Various

“ Henry, my lad, thirteen shillings and elevenpence a day is thirteen shillings and elevenpence a day; now isn't it? And war isn't war when there is a peace coming on. Why then throw up a fat income just for the sake of getting into long trousers? You stay where you are till they come and fetch you. ”

“ That is my out basket, and every letter which goes out goes out of the out.
"And then, Sir, we have the Card Index. A complete record of every officer in the Army, permanent or temporary."
"Are there still temporary officers in the Army?" asks the audience, not being able to think of anything better to ask, and clearly being called upon to ask something.
"Sergeant-Major, turn up 'Officers, army, temporary, the, in,' for this gentleman."
And thus the shameful truth comes out. One card only—mine.
Exit audience wondering what manner of intrepid man this Henry might be. ”

“ On the whole, from a literary point of view, the hydros come out better than the mere hotels. But of course they have unequalled advantages. With such material as Dowsing Radiant Heat, D'Arsonval High Frequency and Fango Mud Treatment almost any writer could be sensational. What is High Frequency, I wonder? It is clear, at any rate, that it would be madness to have a hydro without it.
Well, I have selected my hotel—on purely literary grounds. ”

“ Bournemouth, exceptionally fortunate in having at once the most select hotel on the South coast, the largest and best-appointed hotel on the South coast and the largest and most up-to-date hotel on the South coast, has positively only one which has the finest position on the South coast. ”

“ I remonstrated as the taxi-driver, cowed by the look in her eye, drew up to the kerb, "if we take a taxi we shan't have anything left to pay for the flat."
"Victory Mansions, Trebarwith Road. Drive fast!" shouted Betty as she pushed me into the cab.
"Now you've done it," I said bitterly. "Do you know I've only five pounds ten on me at the moment? We shall lose the flat while we're quarrelling with the driver." ”

“ Bradshaw was George. Indeed, it is difficult to think what other name a man of his calibre could have had. But many people will be surprised to hear that Mr. Bradshaw is no longer alive. Whatever one thinks of his work one is inclined to think of him as a living personality, working laboriously at some terminus—probably at the Charing Cross Hotel. ”

“ Saturday.—Heard at the Club that if the Coalition is not better supported in their attempts to carry out progressive reforms and combat the forces of Revolution and Anarchy, they will form themselves into a new party and go to the country. Locally we are to have, in addition to the retiring Coalitionist, a Free Liberal candidate, a Labour Party candidate, a couple of Independent candidates, a People's Party candidate, a National Party candidate, a Modern Party candidate, a Britannic Party candidate, and an Efficiency Party candidate. ”

“ But the happiest of all our authors is Madame Albanesi, who "finds her brain-spur in a blank sheet of paper, and not the ghost of an idea what she is going to write about." Less fortunate writers labour assiduously only to leave the minds of their readers a blank, without the ghost of an idea of what the author has been writing about. ”

“ Sir Donald Macleans's proposed reduction in the Vote on Account for the Civil Services was the much more mouth-filling morsel of one hundred million pounds. Mr. Chamberlain considered it very handsome of the Opposition, on the eve, he understood, of coming into office, thus to cut off its own supplies. Nevertheless he declined to accept the generous offer. Our finances would be all right if the House would back the Government by practising economy as well as preaching it. ”

“ You see, though lots of people write the Army List, no one ever reads it; only from time to time a man will surreptitiously turn up his own name, just to renew his feeling of self-importance, or in an emergency he will look up the name of a friend in order to get the right initials after it and not risk giving that personal offence which may prevent the loan.... ”

“ It must be the other managers at these annual meetings. Yes, the restraint of the collaborators is wonderful, and in one point only has it broken down. There are no fewer than seventeen hotels with an Unrivalled Situation, and two of these are at Harrogate. For a small place like the British Isles it seems to me that this is too many.
For the rest, what imagery, what exaltation we find in this Appendix! Dazed with imagined beauty we pass from one splendid haunt to another. ”

“ A disturbance in the rear of the hut indicated that Elfred was heading for cover.
"'E 's twice my size," he wailed as strong hands hauled him back.
"The challenger admits that he holds a slight advantage in weight," continued the M.C., "but considers that is counterbalanced by his advanced years."
"This is your fiendish work," hissed Percival to Frederick.
"Not a bit of it, old sportsman," replied Frederick cheerfully. "The patent rights are held by 'Enery. I merely mentioned to him that Elfred possessed a desirable bath-plug that it might be useful to acquire." ”

“ On the wrapper you will observe the woman stepping bodily out of the picture, like the ancestors in the whisky advertisement; this, however, is a symbolic rather than an actual presentment. But there is plenty without it: a rightful heir, mountain castles amid the eternal snows, a villain (with sorceries) , half-a-dozen [pg 240] attempted murders and the most hair-lifting duel imaginable. Soberly considered the whole business is a riot of delirium, belonging flagrantly to that realm where all the world's a screen, and all the men and women merely movies. ”

“ The honour of the Army is at stake."
"I ain't all that set on the honour of the Army," said Elfred. "But 'im being the challenger, shouldn't I be justified in putting the plug in one of my gloves?"
"The rules don't provide for such a contingency. Hurry up now and get stripped, and I'll give you twenty francs if you win."
Both combatants were warmly received. 'Enery's decorative tattooing was much admired, and Elfred was urgently requested not to spoil the pictures. By desire of the referee the stakes were handed to him—Frederick producing the five francs for 'Enery—and the battle commenced. ”

“ It was early evident that the Navy intended shock tactics, while the Army favoured a system of elastic defence. A salvo of short-arm jabs by 'Enery was answered by long-range sniping on the part of Elfred, no direct hits being recorded. Towards the end of the round 'Enery attempted to approach under cover of a smoke screen, but action was broken off at the sound of the gong. ”

“ We can only suppose that the driver must have been new to his job.
A vicar has written to the Press complaining indignantly of a London firm's offer to supply sermons at five shillings each. We are not surprised. Five shillings is a lot of money to give for a sermon.
The Llangollen Golf Club has decided to allow Sunday golf. In extenuation it is pointed out that the Welsh for "stymied" does not constitute a breach of the Sabbath, as is the case with the Scots equivalent. ”

“ Karissima, says Vere to Maestro later in the evening, is depressed. Because she hasn't a child. They both tremendously want a child. Maestro, silently showing his watch-dial, would seem to wish to suggest that they were unreasonably impatient. Karissima also pleads. Well, he will see what he can do. But there's an awful penalty. For a new Russian dancer cannot be made unless another surrenders life. ”

“ No arrangement has yet been made for the carrying on of the Food Ministry, though it is said that one food profiteer has offered to buy the place as a memento.
"All the great men are dead," states a London newspaper. ”

“ Percival left his seat to confer with the shrinking Elfred.
"'E can 'ave the old bath-plug an' welcome, Sir, as far as I'm concerned," said the latter.
"Tut, tut!" said Percival. "You must make a fight for it. ”

“ Mandelbaum, of New York: "All this talk about Fritz being down and out is all bunk!" Germany is full of energy and hate; she will soon be a monarchy again; will undersell the world; is assiduously preparing for air supremacy as the way to revanche. ”

“ Then she led the way to our cab.
"Hotel Splendid!" I said magnificently to the driver.
"Wot," he growled, "not in them slippers?"
"True," I said, with what dignity I could muster, and gave him the address of our lodgings.
"None the less," I said to Betty, "you shall lunch among the profiteers. This is a great day, and it is yours."
The Inter-University Sports.
Great interest is being taken in the plucky attempt of Cambridge to beat America, Africa and Europe (with Oxford) . ”

“ I don't know whether it is due to the Scottish climate or to the legal atmosphere that the author omits all reference to the feminine sex or affairs of the heart; but anyhow it seemed right and meet that women should be left at home when men were engaged upon such violent and dastardly business. ”

“ The personnel has been drastically reduced, and parents are actually being offered a premium of three hundred pounds to remove their sons from Osborne. On the other hand promotion from the lower deck was to be encouraged, and in future every youngster entering the Navy would metaphorically carry a broad-pennant in his ditty-box. ”

“ Mr. Bonar Law read a telegram from Lord Kilmarnock regarding the situation in Berlin. As it was already a day old, was admittedly based on a communiqué from Wolff's Bureau, "censored" by Mr. Trebitsch Lincoln (late Liberal Member for Darlington) , and had in the meantime been officially contradicted by the old Government, it did not add much to our knowledge.
Time was when it was usual to move to reduce a Vote by a hundred pounds if you wanted to defeat the Government. But such paltry figures are no good in these spacious days. ”

“ Or rather I have selected two. One is the place where they have the Famous Whirlpool Baths. I shall go there at once.
The manager of the other is a great artist; alone among the collaborators he understands simplicity. His contribution occupies a whole page; but there is practically nothing in it, nothing about cuisine or sanitation, or elegance or comfort. Only, in the middle, he writes quite simply The Most Perfect Hotel in the World.
A.P.H.
Footnote 1: (return)
"Bradshaw's General Railway and Steam Navigation Guide for Great Britain and Ireland." ”

“ The great Food-prices debate hardly justified its preliminary advertisement. Mr. McCurdy took sure ground when he argued that high prices were mainly due to world-shortage; and, though he entered more disputable territory when he declared that the Profiteering Act was not primarily intended to punish profiteers, Mr. ”