Various

“ Maids of the Inn can and do sing charmingly. The Masquers can and do dance. Plot no object. It's all elegant and graceful, but distinctly sad, as how can it be anything else to the accompaniment of that cracked piano, whose temporary absence must deprive Margate Sands of much harmless enjoyment. "They haven't smiled once," I say to my neighbour. "No more have I," he replies crustily, but then explains that Queen Elizabeth didn't like smiling unless she smiled first. The Masquing men are most anxious and attentive to their steps ”

“ Thenceforward Matthews regarded as a doomed man. Chamberlain made speech conclusively showing innocence of Miss Cass. Not only was her father leader of the brass band, but it was clear she had not been out of the house on the nights the policeman swore he saw her in Regent Street. Attorney-General came to rescue of colleague, but movement ineffectual. Old Morality uttered some ponderous commonplaces without avail. Caine, revelling in temporary freedom, lashed the Home Secretary. Grandolph, that pink of chivalry, finding his old friend and colleague down, joyously jumped on him. ”

“ Then they open out gracefully, and discover the Columbine of Part the First with a lot of young men— (Oh!) ,—all seated together in the basin of the fountain. The young men in masks— (Aha!—now I see why this is called a Masque!—Now I am happy, whether Queen Elizabeth would have liked it or not!) —come out of the fountain, quite dry, rather unpolitely leaving poor Columbine still in the basin under the dripping water. ”

“ Old Morality, in his oldest and most moral manner, moved to appropriate remaining time of House for Government business. Fire opened upon him from all sides in protest against arrangement. Every man with a Bill wanted day to bring it forward. Chaplin in most magnificent manner joined in protest. Smith having replied in detail seemed that the incident was closed. But in fact was only beginning. Smith had greatly shocked Gladstone by incidentally alluding to Opposition as "entirely unparalleled in annals of Parliament." ”

“ My neighbour says, "Old Elizabeth would have liked all this sort of thing." Poor dear! I pity her, I ask if Indian is to be taken as an advertisement for the Wild West? Neighbour replies, hesitatingly, that he knows the book has been altered from what it was three hundred years ago to suit the present time, so that perhaps I may be right. The cracked piano, which is having a hard day of it, breaks out into a lively measure. ”

“ There are fiddles, and basses, and a second-hand cracked piano, suggestive of having been hired from itinerant Minstrels on Margate Sands. My neighbour asks me if the band is "Coote and Tinney?" My reply is evident—"More Tinny than Coot." Neighbour informs me that the cracked piano is really a very old instrument, in use about the time of Queen Elizabeth. Exactly: just what I should have thought. The Benchers ought to have been rich enough by now to have bought a new one. When a thing is to be done, do it well. ”

“ And the cracked piano, too, for music, which, on the exit of the Giants and the Columbine, comes out as strong as the poor old thing can when supported by violins and violoncellos.
Enter "Silenus and his Crew." I hear some one say this. Not a bit like a crew. Not a sailor among them. Perhaps as this is a Mask, they are sailors in disguise. Silenus is, of course, supposed to be intoxicated. If he is intended to represent an ugly old man, dismally drunk, and making painful efforts to catch a note, he succeeds, to the life. ”

“ Harcourt stroked Ministerialist back wrong way; and Goschen replied in animated speech. One little flash disturbed monotony of earlier part of sitting. Elderly young man, name of Coleridge, trotted out again the mean and spiteful reference to Old Morality's Book-stall connection. O. M., for once moved to anger, hotly resented impertinence.
Haven't we had enough of this now? It was Tim Healy began it. Not desirable that men without a tithe of Tim's talent should imitate his ingrained ill-manners. ”

“ PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOLUME 93. JULY 16, 1887.
[Pg 13]
THE LAST VISIT TO THE ACADEMY. ABSURD TO A DEGREE.
Now that girls have proved themselves capable of earning the highest University honours, why should women remain debarred of University degrees? If any senatorial difficulty precludes the removal of that ridiculous injustice, a girl forbidden to term herself a Bachelor of Arts, for example, might, it has been suggested, "invent some other title more significant of the distinction she has won." No invention could be easier. ”

“ Smith came down, and surrendered unconditionally in the Cass case. Promised to make the inquiry which Matthews had refused. John Dillon suggested that, in order to save time, Ministers should in future make up their minds what to do before the Division was taken. Matthews said nothing. Rather sorry for him. Thought I'd cheer him up a bit.
"Don't take this too much to heart," I said. "Good deal of talk about it just now, but soon be forgotten."
"Take what to heart?" he asked, with pretty air of surprise. "Smith is only confirming what I said when I promised an inquiry." ”

“ I thinks as the reel natives is quite a triumph of Hart. There's quite a grand pictur of the dear old Bank, with all the Carts and Cabs and Omnibuses, and people being all scrowged up together, just like life, and ewerybody a wondering how on earth they shall hever be able to cross, jest like life, and the Bus Coachman a flirtin with the lady passenger on the box, jest like life, and the Policeman a driving away the pore little beggar, jest like life. Ah, it's a reel lovely pictur that is, and werry creditabel to Mr. ”

“ Grandolph found Matthews on Treasury Bench, looking as if nothing had happened, and as if nothing was going to happen. House curiously crowded, considering. The old story over again, with just a difference in enumeration of the chapter. Hitherto been on Coercion Bill, First Reading, Second Reading, Committee Stage, and Report Stage. Now Third Reading moved. Gladstone begins it all over again, as if nothing had yet been said. ”

“ It's a nice young Lady, named, as I see by the Catalog, Euridice, which I beleeve is Greek for "You're a nice one!" who is a trying for to pull a rock down, but I'm sure she'll never do it, though she has taken off ewery morsel of her close, ewen down to her stockings, to give her more strength. ”

“ Hades is a cumming towards her, and won't he jest be shocked! And then here's another young Lady, almost as lightly drest, a sitting quietly on a large cold stone, as if there wasn't no North-East wind a blowing, and by moonlight too. What time can she expect to git home, and what will her poor Mother say when she sees her?
If I'd ha' bin Mr. Hayne, Esq., M.P., I'd ha bort a new Hat afore I was painted for my pictur, and ewen gone to the xpense of a new pair of gloves, speshally as his pictur is a going to be given to sumbody. ”

“ Story tells us a story as I've offen witnessed, when a young swell stands treat to a few frends and then ain't got enuff money to pay the bill! Wot a nuisance for him, but still wuss for the Landlord, and wussest of all for the pore Waiter. Poor Mr. Grossmith looks werry much paler than when I saw him after a jolly dinner at the Mettropole. ”

“ I think the most perthetic pictur in the hole lot is the one called "the Dunce." He's a setting all by hisself, pore feller, what they calls detained, a trying his werry best to do his lesson and he can't do it. ”

“ That he shall provide his own crown, which must be a decidedly showy affair, and should be so constructed as, by a little manipulation, it could, in any sudden outbreak of popular fury, be made to assume the appearance of an ordinary top-hat. ”

“ That he must understand that his household will be composed partly of traitors, whom, however, as the Government will see that his bedroom door is provided with an extra bolt, he need only keep carefully under his eye during the daytime. ”

“ In the next rooms its the great Cardinal Manning, who ewerybody loves and respects, Waiters and all, though it does rather try our loyalty to see him at dinner, when he don't eat enuff wittles to fatten a church mouse. If I'd ha' bin Sir Edward Watkin, the grate Railway King, I'd ha had a much cleaner shave afore I set for my pictur than he had. I know as he doesn't like to be thought a close shaver in gineral, but, in this werry partickler case, he might have made a xcepshun to his gineral rule. ”