Various

“ There is no better spring month in which to move than April. Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm tree on Arbor day—it may grow up to be the tree under which Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the British—who knows! The farmer will do well to apply fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. ”

“ In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for such as need them.
Never string your beans till they are old enough to understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose their temper.
Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a Tom and Jerry, but it never works. ”

“ To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others. ”

“ Meals will be served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning—this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.
From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.
From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.
The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.
Gardening Note:
If you sow wild oats you are likely to reap a crop of "tares." ”

“ Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. It is by his root that he survives.
Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight. ”

“ The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat—without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted. ”

“ SATURDAY JANUARY A man's a man for a' that—there is in it. HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY
It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree that he was made President. And very few men get into office simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics? ”

“ Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist in September. THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY OCTOBER The baby's favorite, often heard at night—a high-bawl in A flat. HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER
Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it—the brandy, we mean.
We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. ”

“ Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. ”

“ Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' Slippers.
Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.
Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.
Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking.
Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next generation.
Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.
It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't loosen.
Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of Widow's Weeds ”

“ SATURDAY SEPTEMBER It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it. LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
How to Trim Rich Relations.
This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. ”

“ A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.
Street Car Hint:
If a person walks on your right foot kick a person with your left. ”

“ Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days) , you will find yourself rich beyond the dreams of avarice. ”

“ The Zodiacal sharp who runs things during January is Aquarius, which being translated means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.
From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the 15th to the 20th it will do it.
Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the last week in January, but by February 1st you will have become accustomed and resigned to your old habits. ”

“ Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion. ”

“ A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves—sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar. ”

“ He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think he is going to be a President of the Common Council.
Health Note:
A hot brick is a good thing for the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head. ”

“ It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry ”

“ Be careful not to criticize, as that will make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.
A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an opiate.
Health Hint:
All that blisters is not good for a cold.
Lucky Advice:
It is unlucky to fall down 13 flights of stairs. ”

“ Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark.
A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens? ”

“ To gaze at anything with the naked eye is immodest.
—Anthony Comstock. FRIDAY SATURDAY JANUARY Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the reputation. SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD
Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck." ”

“ No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched polls. ”

“ Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed. ”

“ Great envy among the thirsty. TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAYJuly 4th is a great day for those who love to tell us that "all men are created free and equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth of Juliars. ”

“ It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."
In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.
Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant:
A Turkish Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.
SUNDAY MONDAY (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of thanks to John B. Moran for removing screens from hotel windows. TUESDAY WEDNESDAY"The greatest blessing of all is that I am no longer kept awake nights by persons who are making modern improvements." ”

“ A bas Dreyfus! (1906) Vive le Dreyfus! TUESDAY (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. P. S.—Do not confound with canard, which arrived with Boston to remain always. WEDNESDAY THURSDAYHONOR TO WHOM, ETC. We're all of us selfishly slow to confess
How much others aid us in winning success;
But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see
How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be. FRIDAY SATURDAY JULY Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook. SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
(Recent Interpretations)
AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January. ”

“ The farmer with a Jersey cow
Can live as fine as silk
For he has got, you must allow,
His thorough-bred and milk.
A Hint on Luck:
A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; a piece of luck is the real thing.
Fashion Hint:
With peek-a-boo waist and short sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.
SUNDAY MONDAY (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus. (1908) Extra session of Congress held at Washington. TUESDAY WEDNESDAYDo not take this day off. It is a "dog day" and he may want it. THURSDAY FRIDAY (697) The Venetians elect their first doge. (1906) The beef packers try their last dodge. ”

“ Theodore, of Washington, calls Council of Muck-rakers. THURSDAY FRIDAYFIRST CANOE—Doesn't it make you tired to be taken out by one of those fresh young men who doesn't know how to paddle? SECOND CANOE—Yes, it often quite upsets me. SATURDAY OCTOBER There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every neck. ”

“ Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.
SUNDAY MONDAY (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. Rejoicing in Harlem. TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II of France. Rainy days become popular. FRIDAYThe woman who wears a short bathing skirt is not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife of a popular magazine editor and cultivate exposure because she has caught the habit. —Supton Eclair. SATURDAY AUGUST No successful business man ever spends his own money. ”

“ TUESDAY (1793) Washington D.C. named in honor of Washington deceased. WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAYIt was in this month that S. N. Akes left Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y. SATURDAY MARCH When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign that he has trouble before him. SPRING, GENTLE SPRING
One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled the following:
"Gentle Spring has come at last,
So keep your furnace fires full blast!"
It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring poet. ”

“ MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAYMay 7—Cannon's boom set off by speech from Uncle Joe—Presidential Bee taking terrible risk at Cannon's mouth. FRIDAYIf two wrongs do not make a right—how many franchises make a wrong? SATURDAY JUNE The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success. ”

“ Confusion invented by Confucius. SATURDAY FEBRUARY A woman's college is a dangerous thing. HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH
Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and think about this to your heart's content. This probably will warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your coal bill.
How to Handle a Muck-Rake
The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the celebrated Norse Berserker. ”

“ Order of Muck-rakers established in Washington. TUESDAY WEDNESDAY (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in the Bull-rushes. (1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the meat bill. THURSDAYINFINITUDE! Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable
He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable:
He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful,
But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable. FRIDAY SATURDAY JULY An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be. ”

“ As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. ”