“ BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train ”

“ Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. ”

“ JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a "waser."
JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. ”

“ HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. ”

“ CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. ”

“ FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)
FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to fame. ”

“ Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with ambitions. ”

“ NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after it.
NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable opposition. ”

“ SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons between march compositions.
SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the fittest.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. ”

“ KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. ”

“ MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly made the patron saint of France.
MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat) .
MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by everybody and the contents by few.
MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires.
MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. ”

“ EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi) .
EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the taxi.
EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. ”

“ BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is considered fair.
BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection forts. ”

“ CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could wave at him.
CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain.
CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way through five acts. ”

“ EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise enough to stop before he got too high.
EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. ”

“ FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines.
G
GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation.
GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait manufacturer.
GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. ”

“ THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.
TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.
TIFFANY, (12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in love.
(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an actress.
TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. ”

“ HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a lecture.
HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. ”

“ A Man's Works Take After Him.
MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not have to see alone.
MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test.
MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other lines had Marconi lived before his time.
MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. ”

“ He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. ”

“ With a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest majority in history until the ballots were hatched. ”

“ PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy.
PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain.
PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your hair.
PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. ”

“ NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the time.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell.
NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht.
NERO (first name forgotten) . A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in the Eternal City. ”

“ THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. ”

“ PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical.
PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States. ”