various contributors

“ But he is not allowed to start till after the meal is over, ever since he got down early one morning and had the whole place laid out in army corps and fortresses, with a horrid tangle of knives and forks, cruet-stands, rolls, egg-cups, plates and coffee-pots, at the point where the main action was going on in the centre.
But he is not at all satisfied with the breakfast-table. He has to crowd things terribly close together at one end in order to have room for the Eastern theatre; and Posen (a toast-rack) keeps falling off the edge. ”

“ CHARIVARIA.
"Our future lies upon the water," once boasted the Kaiser. "And our present lies in it," as the German soldier remarked when the Belgians opened the dykes near Antwerp.
⁂
The mass of the German people would seem to be extraordinarily ill-informed in regard to the War and to stand sadly in need of enlightenment in some respects. For example, their ebullitions of rage against everyone and everything English shows that they are ignorant of the fact that we are a decadent nation and a negligible quantity in the War. ”

“ Private Tree is wrong again. Silence, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right turn! Where are you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick march! Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."
James was now thoroughly enjoying himself. ”

“ I repeated. "No; what about her? Has she given them notice?
"Well, she's not exactly the Pottingers' governess," he replied, "but governess to some intimate friends of theirs named Ings living at Ponders End. Anyhow, I can absolutely vouch for the truth of the story."
"Get on," I said, "Don't keep me on tenterhooks. What's she done?"
"Why, the police have discovered that she's a German spy," said Bolsover mysteriously. ”

“ I have repeatedly warned Nicholas that God is against him. It is like his impious self-assurance to imagine that One whose services I have exclusively secured for My side could for moment entertain the idea of supporting My enemies. ”

“ All goes badly, and things began to threaten an impasse, when one foggy night the raft is cut in two by a paddle-boat and the pair get separated and nearly killed. They are so pleased to be restored to one another alive that they tacitly agree to waive their differences. It is perhaps rather a puerile denouement, and not likely to be very helpful to the newly-wedded public. There must be very few couples who can count on having their elemental differences healed by means of a collision between a honeymoon raft and a paddle-steamer on a Burmese river. ”

“ Brutality is acknowledged by the most distinguished Teutonic psychologists to have an important place in modern warfare, as serving to maintain a properly submissive attitude on the part of the unarmed enemy, and the College has been established to complete this side in the training of cadets for the Imperial German field army. ”

“ Then he laughed scornfully.
"Why, Wonderson!" cried one of the Hunt. "What on earth are you doing here? I understood you were being married this morning."
"That is so," replied Ralph easily. "But I see no reason why I shouldn't hunt first. Drake, you know, played bowls during a crisis, and Nero fiddled."
As he spoke he watched Sir Ernest narrowly. The Master was making his way towards the iron cage in which the fox cub was imprisoned. Ralph edged his horse insensibly nearer.
Amid the eager plaudits of the Hunt Sir Ernest leaned down from his saddle and raised the catch with a flourish. ”

“ Less than a year ago India was in state of ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of Viceroy. The Kaiser, secretly plotting treacherous design on friend and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game, and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army those supplied by India and Ireland."
The Rt. Hon. John Burns fails to recognise his portrait as painted by a German Press Agency artist. ”

“ It would seem a far cry from the clash of armies to the romance of a honeymoon spent on a raft de luxe drifting lazily down a river of Burma. That is the theme of Love's Legend (Constable) , by Mr. Fielding Hall, author of The Soul of a People. But there may be a war of sex with sex scarcely less tragic than the wars of men with men (or brutes) . The author shows us an oldish husband—a civil servant—who surmounts, with not too much indelicacy, the primary difficulty of his young wife's ingenuousness in relation to the sacrament of marriage. ”

“ Clarence goes to mother and says, "May we go fishing this afternoon?" Mother says "No," and hurries off to the sewing meeting somewhere. They are all making things for soldiers, and soldiers' wives and children, and Belgian peasants. Briefly, when she's gone, Clarence writes on a piece of paper the fact that Mother has no objection to our fishing, shows it to our governess, and off we go. Isn't that clever of Germany? When mother returns she forgets to ask of the governess what we have been doing, and it is all right. ”

“ Outrages on Non-Combatants.
We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. ”

“ In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it is be-lieved that all civilians will fight to the death against the invader.
The Old British Spirit.
Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth more than a hundred paid men. ”

“ Yes—yes, everything is quite ready."
"There's just one thing, Sir," said Ragley, "if you'll excuse me mentioning it. Supposing as how the lady refuses like."
Sir Ernest tossed away his half-smoked cigar and smiled evilly.
"That has been foreseen," he said. "The shock of Wonderson's arrest will cause her to feel faint. I shall have ready a bottle of smelling salts. I need not go into details ... drugs ... loss of will power ... you see...."
The blood boiling in Ralph's ears prevented him from hearing more. ”

“ Stamping out the Enemy.
"With German factories paralysed and the cold grip of the British Feet about her throat, Germany, it is argued, must bring the war to a close before starvation conquers her." ”

“ Still, the circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.
You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen, minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers—a type not to be confused with the super-soldier—were a very scratch lot; and I must hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial spirits in the profession.) ”

“ The noble courage with which they have crushed a defenceless peasantry (who, by the way, do not seem to share My recognition of the Deity's support of Our methods) has proved them to be the authorised medium of the Divine vengeance. ”

“ The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are encourages. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.
Records in Brutality.
The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants. ”

“ Meanwhile the idea has been taken up by Francis Joseph's brother Emperor, who never likes to miss a good thing. We understand that he has granted to the German Fleet—on account of its gallant conduct in the Kiel Canal—permission to serve outside in the North Sea and also in the Solent. We need hardly add that the news has been received with the utmost geniality by the British Fleet. ”

“ Civilians in the Battle Line.
On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy. Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that, arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "———" (excised by Censor) , they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and utterly routed them. ”

“ We'll chase it flying like a rat
For some fort-guarded Ararat,
And leave it flotsam for Jemima's broom.
Evoe.
Peace: Old and New Style.
Now that the Allies have all agreed not to make separate peaces, we can look forward to the War stopping all at once, and not just a bit at a time, though of course the calendar of the Russians will allow them the option of keeping at it for twelve days after the others have finished. ”

“ He cannot make you understand. He tries to draw maps on the back of envelopes, but his drawing is pitiable, and then naturally he reaches out at any object that happens to be lying on the table, planks it down for Paris or Verdun, and gets seriously to work. He and Sinclair were sitting before the unlit fire in the drawing-room when Sinclair put forth his brilliant hypothesis about a flanking movement on Von Klück's right. Henry was quite certain it was wrong. He was down on his knees in a moment grabbing pieces of coal. ”

“ Amongst other reasons, because the man in whose house the events were supposed to have taken place happens, I know, to be a bachelor, and would not therefore require the the services of a German governess."
"Who was the person referred in the version you heard?" I asked.
"You," he replied.
Footwork.
"In a comparatively short time now, summer gardens will gave to be overhauled, the bedding-out plants taken up, cuttings taken, and the ground prepared for next spring's display ”

“ Lord Rosebery, speaking the other day at Broxburn, said that defeat in us would not mean foreign tax-gatherers in the country. We are glad of this. It would be deplorable if the tax-gatherer were ever to become an unpopular figure with us. ”

“ Even I cannot be in two places at once, and I am too busy in in exchanging felicitations with My Creator in the background of Our western sphere of operations to be able to give My benediction in person to the brave defenders of My beloved Prussia. ”

“ It is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly declared outside the pale of humanity. (Note.—The Censor allows the foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its correctness.)
Brilliant Recruiting Campaign.
Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of the Buffington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their determined Secretary. ”

“ Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first hearing the cries of women and children. ”

“ An appeal has been made for magazines for the men at the front. The following extract from a letter touches on the subject:—"On Wednesday heavy German cavalry charged us with drawn sabres, and we only had a minute to prepare to receive them. ”

“ Anxious Mother. "I hope we've forgotten nothing, Fred?—sandwiches, spirit lamp, sugar, tea, milk, jam, ammunition, knives, forks, repeating rifle, pickles, barbed wire, &c., &c."
The new German National Anthem (we hope) :—Deutschland unter Allies.
We are living in unsettled times. St. Petersburg has become Petrograd, and now we read in The Yorkshire Observer that "The Bradford Baths Committee have decided to alter the name of the Central Baths to 'The Kursaal.'" What next? ”