Bertie Wooster

“ You will find him much more entertaining than me.”
“No,” answered Bertie, with great gravity; “he isn’t so amusing; but I think he is a good boy. He cares about being good much more than you do.”
Queenie turned round upon Bertie with an air of outraged pride and with eyes that flashed angrily. She pointed imperiously towards the boundary fence that divided the Squire’s property from her father’s.
“If you are going to compare me to your precious David, you need not trouble to come here again. Go to your dear fisher people, since you are so fond of them. ”

“ A smile stole over Bertie’s face.
“That will be nice,” he said.
“And Phil is never cross. We’ll both help you to be happy. Only you must not be too good, you know, or we shall be frightened of you.”
Bertie’s face was bright again now. He did not quite understand Queenie’s words, but he saw that she was friendly again.
“You shall come to see us soon,” she said. “Have you any lessons to do?”
“No; the doctor says I mustn’t do any yet; but I read in the Squire’s study sometimes.” ”

“ He asked his questions in absolute ignorance or oblivion of all these facts, and when the father began to tell little anecdotes of the rides he and his children had taken together long, long ago, Bertie listened with undivided interest and pleasure, not in the least realizing—how should he?—that this moment was almost as great a turning-point in his benefactor’s life as the one when he took the child in his arms in the lonely churchyard and called him his adopted son. ”

“ I chipped in at this juncture, chilled to the marrow.
“Bertie!” said Aunt Agatha, dropping the motherly manner for a bit and giving me the cold eye.
“Yes, but I say....”
“It is young men like you, Bertie, who make the person with the future of the race at heart despair. Cursed with too much money, you fritter away in idle selfishness a life which might have been made useful, helpful and profitable. You do nothing but waste your time on frivolous pleasures. You are simply an anti-social animal, a drone. Bertie, it is imperative that you marry.” ”

“ The other man followed, though he often looked back, laughing to see the donkey carriage and the little boy driver.
[Pg 68]
"There's a good bit of things in the world that we never see," he said to his companion. "The Squire's son is a pert little chap, isn't he now?"
"He's the politest young un I ever see," was Tom's answer.
Bertie, meanwhile, drove through the field,—there was quite a good road now,—and on by the lake to Woodlawn. His father was standing near a company of men who were digging with spades, throwing the dirt out behind them. ”

“ When they returned, there was no Bertie. He had dragged himself away to the office, barricaded himself in, and sunk upon the floor in a gin-soaked nightmare, wherein he died a thousand deaths while the valorous fight went on around him. In the morning, sick and headachey from the gin, he crawled out to find the sun still in the sky and God presumable in heaven, for his hosts were alive and uninjured.
Harriwell pressed him to stay on longer, but Bertie insisted on sailing immediately on the Arla for Tulagi, where, until the following steamer day, he stuck close by the Commissioner's house. ”

“ He doesn’t ever forget us quite. I’ll try always to be strong and of a good courage, and not to be afraid of anything. I think He’s sure to go on taking care of me, as He’s always been so kind.”
And Bertie went on his way with a contented smile, feeling very safe and happy in the sense of 215the loving protection of the great Father in heaven. His destination was the churchyard, and as he approached he glanced up at the clock in the tower, and saw that he had plenty of time at his disposal before he should have to meet the Squire at the gate he had mentioned as the trysting-place. ”

“ Bertie considered a moment and then said,—
“The Squire?”
“No, not the Squire; he only cares for his own property. Papa says our land is nothing to his; he wouldn’t care for it. Guess again.”
Bertie was puzzled.
“Dr. Lighton?” he asked, doubtfully; but Queenie’s laugh was answer enough.
“No, indeed! Where would he get the money from? Guess again.”
“I can’t; there’s nobody else I know. Are you sure I know him?”
272“Of course you do! You must guess. You’ve seen him at our house often and often.”
Bertie paused again, hesitated, and suggested, timidly,—
“Uncle Fred?”
Queenie clapped her hands. ”

“ Bertie was less interested upon this point than upon others.
“Will you ever come here after you go away?”
“Oh, yes; we shall be sure to come and see Uncle Fred sometimes.”
Bertie looked pleased.
“That will be nice. We shall be able to play together, and you won’t forget me. I don’t like people to go right away and forget and get forgotten; it seems rather sad, don’t you think?” ”

“ So Bertie tries to look bold, and marches up, like a soldier going to battle. "Left, left! right, right!" calls out the voice under the table. But this time it is loud and strong, like that of a captain of the drill.
Bertie is a brave little boy: so he marches straight up to the door,—which stands open,—and looks out. Then he claps his chubby hands, and shouts, "Oh! it was my uncle Frank under the table. I forgot he was such a funny man. Oh, uncle Frank! How can you get in the house and out of the house, and nobody see you?" ”

“ Bertie is still the Squire’s boy, and has never wavered in his allegiance to his adopted father. He follows him about like his shadow, is his companion on his every expedition, and no father and son could ever have been more deeply attached than is this elderly man to the son of his adoption, who now wears his name and is acknowledged as his heir.
Bertie is growing a tall, strong lad now, and has quite shaken off the childish delicacy that had given some anxiety at first. ”

“ She raised her splendid eyes in amaze, with a delicate shudder through all her laces. “Bertie! You would break my heart! What can you dream of?”
“Oh, lots of us end so! How is a man to end?” answered Bertie philosophically, while his thoughts still ran off in a speculative skepticism. “Is there a heart to break?”
Her ladyship looked at him an laughed.
“A Werther in the Guards! I don't think the role will suit either you or your corps, Bertie; but if you do it, pray do it artistically. ”

“ You will do as those before you have done, and more if the way opens before you? You will try to be a credit to a name that I love and respect for the sake of those who have borne it before me? When you are Squire of Arlingham, Bertie, you will try to be a good one?”
It is hard for Bertie to answer questions like these, yet he looks up, after a struggle with himself, and says,—
“I will try, father, I will try my very best; but I cannot bear to think of it. It is so hard to think of being left alone again.”
The Squire with his quiet smile points to the words upon the marble slab. ”

“ He looked like a demon to Dot in the half-light—a black imp mounted on a black mare riding to perdition. She was glad to leave him behind.
But as they drew up before the great house that loomed gaunt and eerie in the gathering darkness the galloping hoofs drew near again, and before they were out of the car Nap was beside them.
He flung himself out of the saddle, with a curt, "Here, Bertie! Take the brute for me. Mind her teeth! She's in a vile temper."
"What a beast you are!" was Bertie's comment, as he went to the panting animal. ”

“ But if that is the right word, then that’s what her manner was as she ventilated the subject of poor old Tuppy. If you had been able to go simply by the sound of her voice, she might have been a court poet cutting loose about an Oriental monarch, or Gussie Fink-Nottle describing his last consignment of newts.
“It’s so nice, Bertie, talking to somebody who really takes a sensible view about this man Glossop. Mother says he’s a good chap, which is simply absurd. Anybody can see that he’s absolutely impossible. ”

“ Bertie was fond of his birds, and had names for some of them, but his favorite was Cocky Twitters, a bold, saucy, droll fellow, who was always whisking about as if he had every thing in the bird-world to attend to. He fought like a little game-cock if any other sparrow troubled him, but he was good to the weak and timid ones, and never failed to carry a nice crumb or two to his old papa, who had something the matter with his wing, and seldom went far from the little brown house stuck like a wasp's nest on one of the trees. ”

“ That gentleman still held the too-familiar revolver in his hand. It had long been the secret longing of Bertie's soul to possess one of his own; henceforward he would hate the sight of the too-agile arm for evermore.
"You don't look like a doctor's son. Own up you lied."
"I--I didn't, sir."
"A pretty sort of doctor's son you look! Has your father any money?"
A wild idea entered Bertie's brain. He remembered how Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins had risen to the bait.
"Ye--yes, sir; he's very rich. He'd give a thousand pounds to get me back again." ”

“ Bertie was a very articulate and modern man of affairs. He had buck teeth, and on his eye-glasses was a gold chain leading to a dainty hook behind his left ear. He believed in town-boosting, organized motor tours, Boy Scouts, baseball, and the hanging of I. W. W.'s; and his most dolorous regret was that Wheatsylvania was too small—as yet—to have a Y. M. C. A. or a Commercial Club. Plunging in beside him was his fiancée, Miss Ada Quist, daughter of the feed and implement store. Her nose was sharp, but not so sharp as her voice or the suspiciousness with which she faced Martin. ”

“ Bertie was a gentleman who could throw the money about, and he had a noble heart. He would never leave an old pal in the lurch. The devil's in it, we must help each other in this world. Say a hundred?
"You are a rascal!" cried Bertie. "We had agreed on thirty pounds. I have not a hundred pounds; I am not rich."
Well, of course he knew that; but Mr. Westhove no doubt, gave his friend sixpence now and then, and Mr. Westhove was made of money. Come, come, Mr. Van Maeren must think it over; he really should do something for an old pal and a hundred pounds was not the whole world after all. ”

“ Bertie was not like ordinary men; he was very lazy, and lived too contentedly at the expense of others—a thing that Westhove could not understand, and over which in his good nature he simply shook his head with a smile—but Bertie was not wicked. So he was concealing nothing from Eva but that Bertie had no money. Still, he had meant to say something, something was seething in his brain. Eva was looking at him wide-eyed; he must speak. ”

“ Billy made an unseemly rejoinder, but even in the making was visited by inspiration. He saw the whole thing as it really was. “By Jove!” said he, “we couldn’t get back in time for dinner.”
“There’s my bonny boy!” said Bertie, with pride; and he touched up the black gelding. Uneasiness had left both of them. Cambridge was manifestly impossible; an error in judgment; food compelled them to seek the Bird-in-Hand. “We’ll try Quincy, anyhow,” Bertie said. Billy suggested that they inquire of people on the road. This provided a new sporting event: they could bet upon the answers. ”

“ Bertie continued to rub his ear.
"Bailey, if I let you off these lines will you promise to try to give me less cause to punish you?"
"You can't help letting me off them anyhow," said Bertie.
"Can't I? I suppose, young gentleman, you think you're getting the best of me?"
"I know I am," said Bertie.
"Oh, you know you are! Then let me do my best to relieve you of that delusion. Shall I tell you what you are doing? You're doing your best to sow the seeds of a shameful manhood and a wasted life; if you don't take care you'll reap the harvest by-and-by! ”

“ Eustace started to giggle pretty freely.
“Smooth work, Bertie, smooth work!” he said. “I’m sorry for poor old Claude, but there was no alternative. I eluded his vigilance at Waterloo and snaked off in a taxi. I suppose the poor old ass is wondering where the deuce I’ve got to. But it couldn’t be helped. If you really seriously expected me to go slogging off to South Africa, you shouldn’t have introduced me to Miss Wardour last night. I want to tell you all about that, Bertie. I’m not a man,” said Eustace, sitting down on the bed, “who falls in love with every girl he sees. ”

“ He asked, “How about Cambridge and a little Oscar to finish off with?” Bertie frowned. This would be failure. Was Billy willing to go back and face John the successful?
“It would only cost me five dollars,” said Billy.
“Ten,” Bertie corrected. He recalled to Billy the matter about the landlady’s hair.
“By Jove, that’s so!” cried Billy, brightening. It seemed conclusive. But he grew cloudy again the next moment. He was of opinion that one could go too far in a thing. ”

“ He knew he should be miserable as soon as he felt himself upon the water.
154Phil came up at the moment to make the same suggestion that Queenie had done, and the attention of the other boys was attracted, and they learned for the first time Bertie’s horror of the water.
“Why, that must never be allowed to go on!” cried Walter, with a twinkle in his eye. “Bertie will grow up a pitiful coward if we don’t take him in hand. Little boys who are afraid must get over their fears. Come along, Bertie, and get into that boat at once. I’ll guarantee you shall be safe.” ”

“ So she talked a good deal of anticipated delights, and pitied “poor Bertie” a good deal, wondering whatever he would find to do all through the long winter months, with nobody to play with “except that fisher-boy, David.”
Bertie, however, did not seem at all put out by the prospect of his loneliness, as depicted by Queenie. He smiled when she pitied him, and said,—
“Oh, never mind me; I shall be quite happy. I don’t mind being alone. Besides, there is always the Squire, you know.”
“But he doesn’t play with you.”
“No,” answered Bertie, with his grave smile, “he doesn’t play;” ”