Josh Billings

“ I don’t think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it.
The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas.
The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes.
The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man.
Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don’t appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. ”

“ Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him, and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov innersence in them. ”

“ The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.
Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.
The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.
A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.
Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.
A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns. ”

“ It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.
Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.
FOUNDLINGS.
He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.
It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.
Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.
The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole. ”

“ If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw. ”

“ I like grit in everything, except mi hash, thare iz when i kant bear it. Giv every man yu meet a good big haff ov the turnpike, but if he insists upon the whole ov it, the religion ov the Billings family iz to arbitrate the kase at onst. If a man smotes yu on one cheek, turn him the other one if yu like, but dont let him smote that. This aint fair.
ARGUMENTS. It iz az diffikult to define a sukcess, az it iz to ackount for the meazles.
Coquets make better wives than Prudes do, but thank the Lord, thare iz better ones in market than either ov them.
Q.–What's yure opinyun ov Rats? ”

“ Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.
Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik ”

“ The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt—he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.
It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog. ”

“ When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell tu mutch ov wisdom; and when [Pg 74] his hed gits down into his harte, his wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.
I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a false buzzum.
Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.
Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles—short, sharp, and shiny.
The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their turns at killing ever sinse. ”

“ He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers more from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum.
Hiz ears are like a rabbits, always on end for sum disaster, and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east wind.
He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring.
Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without satisfacshun.
The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves are alwus strung, he lasts like an old phiddle. ”

“ An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don’t understand the language.
Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing. ”

“ Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.
HARK! Cunning men are like a hand saw,—they only hav teeth on one side ov them. ”

“ Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.
If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.
Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.
The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.
I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 207 was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.
It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example. ”

“ A dog iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.
Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.
Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.
Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man “Father,” when he least expekts it.
All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.
If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved. ”

“ Man waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew enjoy it till he had arnt it ”

“ The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov themselfs.
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Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.
I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.
Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.
Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;—a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image. ”

“ Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.
The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz—death.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.
The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits. ”

“ I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.
The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.
I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.
A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.
I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.
Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.
I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve. ”

“ Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.
Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.
Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.
Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.
Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out—just bi acksident. ”

“ I beleave in suggar coated pills.—I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.
The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus. ”

“ When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "an affair ov honnor." ”

“ During hiz old age he winters in the alms houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he cums to die, he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibuss horse, with hiz old shuze on. The loafer cares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make enny man a loafer. The loafer rather covets disgrase, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git in this world without digging. We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust loafer, and probably shant hav ov the last one, but in mi opinyun, they hav existed just about az long az man haz. ”

“ They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen’s, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper.
A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain’t worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn’t ketch only 43 rats.
It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things.
A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won’t see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel. ”

“ Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.
It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.
Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.
The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. ”

“ Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. ”

“ Then agin their iz sum who must hav Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar. But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew git into. ”

“ Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to say amen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.
“Reform! Reform!” this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.
Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.
Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.
It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.
He who sues for suckcess don’t git it so often az he who demands it.
Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her. ”