Mr. Seymour

“ Seymour, “the vicar improves upon acquaintance.”
“It must be acknowledged that you have puffed him into consequence,” observed Mrs. Seymour.
The countenance had, after a short time, swelled to ten times its original dimensions: the children deafened Mr. Seymour with their shouts, and the good-humoured clergyman was actually convulsed with laughter. The stop-cock was now turned; the elastic bladder became smaller and smaller, and the features underwent a corresponding diminution, until they once again assumed their original dimensions. ”

“ Seymour gave a dinner party for twelve, the guests of honor being Miss Betty and Uncle Job. Such things were common with the landlord of the Dragon, and this, too, notwithstanding the marked disapproval of many good people in Appletop, who looked upon them as frivolous innovations, and therefore likely to lead to harm. Mr. Seymour, however, maintained that the practice was a good one, and this in the face of all, on the ground that the custom was old, and one, moreover, he had been used to in his own country. ”

“ Besides--I hope I may be forgiven for plotting and planning for you--but I have always hoped that you would become the wife of John Seymour."
"His wife," sobbed Eleanor. "Oh, mamma, John Seymour's nobody."
"Nobody!" echoed the indignant lady. "Lord John Seymour nobody!"
"But I don't like him, mother."
"Ugh!" growled Mrs. Seymour. "Listen. I have not accepted the proposals of this Mr. Marlborough; but I have not rejected them. I must say he seems liberal enough and rich enough; proposing I don't know what in the way of settlements: but these low-born people are often lavish. ”

“ At length, however, he suddenly brought round his horse, pushed it violently between that of Seymour and the lady's jennet, and exclaimed, "My post is on the right, sir; and I will not give it up to any man--though he be the grandson of a saucy Earl, who once well nigh lost his head for his presumption."
Seymour's eyes flashed fire; and he had seized the bridle of the knight's horse, when Arabella interposed. "I beseech--I entreat!" she cried. "Oh, Mr. Seymour, do not show yourself so intemperate as this person, who certainly strangely forgets himself, to do such things in my presence." ”

“ Timmis valued the servant much less than the servant valued the master.
“Only look here, Wally,” cried he; “here stands Andrew, like an ass between two bundles of hay.”
“Rather like a bundle of hay between two asses, I think,” replied Mr. Wallis; and good-naturedly tapping me on the shoulder, he continued—“accept Mr. Crobble's offer, Master Andrew: you're much too good for Timmis—he can soon get a grubby half-crown boy—but you may wait a long time for such an eligible offer.” ”

“ The vicar appeared on horseback, bustling in all directions, now conversing with the major, now with Mr. Seymour; at one time moderating the pace of the horsemen, and at another, keeping back the pedestrians, whose eagerness to push forward created an inconvenient crowd in the foremost ranks. Mr. Twaddleton held in his right hand a wand decorated with ivy leaves, and which resembled in appearance the thyrsus of Bacchus, except that the cone on its summit had been replaced by a bunch of roses. ”

“ Crobble; “d'ye think—have you any friends?”
“None, sir; my father is a poor man, and quite unable.” I could scarcely speak—like the driver of the one-horse chaise, I could neither advance nor recede.
“The father,” said Mr. Timmis, “is only a poor shoe-maker—a good fellow tho'—an excellent fit!”
“You mean to say,” cried Mr. Wallis, “it were bootless to seek security of the shoe-maker.”
A laugh ensued; and, notwithstanding my agitated feelings, I could not forbear being tickled by Mr. Wallis's humour, and joining in the merriment. ”

“ Eleanor struggled up from the sofa, and Mrs. Seymour rose in hauteur, all the blood of the Loftuses flashing from her light grey eyes. Then ensued a contest; each side struggling for the mastership; Mrs. Seymour refusing to hold commune with him, and Mr. Marlborough insisting upon being heard. ”

“ The change will do him good," Mr. Seymour answered, toying with her hair.
"Sometime, papa, but not now. Wait till he is strong. He can study with me; why not?"
"Oh, fie on you! But what do you think, Job?" Mr. Seymour asked after a pause. "Suppose we leave it until another day. There is some sense in what Kit says," he went on, patting her cheeks. "Gilbert doesn't look very rugged, and besides he could not do much before the summer vacation."
"I had not thought of his health," Uncle Job answered, looking me over as one might a horse he thought of running for first prize. ”

“ But the man only winked, and, significantly pointing the thumb of his left hand over his sinister shoulder, backed the horse.
"Vell, I'm blessed," exclaimed Mr. S.—and so he was—with a scolding wife and a squalling infant; "and they calls this here a trust, the fools! and there ain't no trust at all!"
And the poor animal got another vindictive cut. Oh! Mr. Martin!—thou friend of quadrupeds!—would that thou had'st been there. "It's all my eye and Betty Martin!" muttered Mr. S., as he wheeled about the jaded beast he drove, and retraced the road. ”

“ Seymour.
“Behold!” continued he, “the Trojan ships!”
“Ay, ay, sure enough,” said the vicar; “but let me see, are their forms according to ancient authority? Very well indeed, Mr. Seymour. Very well; the poops have the bend so accurately described by Ovid and Virgil--‘puppesque recurvæ,’ as the poet has it. And there is the triton; but is its size in proportion to the vessel? Yes, sir, you are doubtless correct, the figure is generally represented of considerable magnitude on ancient medals ”

“ My master agreed that it was more appropriate, and the good-natured Tom Wallis flung the crown he had won to me.
“Here's another,” continued he, as Mr. Timmis was just raising a bottle of pale sherry to his lips—“I say, Jim, what birds are we most like now?”
“Why swallows, to be sure,” quickly replied my patron; who was really, on most occasions, a match for his croney in the sublime art of punning, and making conundrums, a favourite pastime with the wits of the Stock Exchange. ”

“ Mr. Seymour left the Ganges in 1783; and from that period was almost constantly employed in different ships till Nov. 1790, when he was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant, in the Magnificent 74. His next appointment was to the Marlborough, another third rate, in which ship he lost an arm on the memorable 1st June, 1794 [1] . ”

“ A sudden Explosion—a hit by one of the Sportsmen, which the other takes amiss.
A blustering wind arose, and like a burly coachman on mounting his box, took up the rain!
The two crouching friends taking advantage of the cessation in the storm, prepared to start. But in straightening the acute angles of their legs and arms, Mr. Sprigg's piece, by some entanglement in his protecting garb, went off, and the barrel striking Mr. Grubb upon the os nasi, stretched him bawling on the humid turf.
"O! Lord! I'm shot."
"O! my heye!" exclaimed the trembling Spriggs.
"O! my nose!" roared Grubb. ”

“ Pic-nics are his delight; but he always leaves others to bring the grub, and brings nothing but himself. I hate Pic-nics, squatting in the grass don't suit me at all; when once down, I find it no easy matter to get up again, I can tell you."
Hereupon there was a general laugh.
"Talking of Pic-nics," said Mr. Timmis. "reminds me of one that was held the other day in a meadow, on the banks of the Lea. The party, consisting of ladies only, and a little boy, had just spread out their prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were alarmed by the approach of a cow. ”

“ Mr. Crobble was the chief mark for all their sallies, and indeed he really appeared, from his size, to have been intended by Nature for a “butt,” as Mr. Wallis wickedly remarked.
“You told, me, Crobble, of your hunting exploit in Hertfordshire,” said Mr. Wallis; “I'll tell you something as bangs that hollow; I'm sure I thought I should have split with laughter when I heard of it. You know the old frump, my Aunt Betty, Timmis?”
“To be sure—she with the ten thousand in the threes,” replied Mr. Timmis; “a worthy creature; and I'm sure you admire her principal.” ”

“ Lasher would say that's all rot, like the pirates, only I know it isn't." Hugh broke off for lack of breath, nothing else would have stopped him. When he was encouraged he was a terrible talker. He suddenly added in a sharp little voice like the report from a pistol: "So one can't be lonely or anything, can one, if there's always some one about?"
Mr. Pidgen was greatly touched. He put his hand upon Hugh's shoulder. "My dear boy," he said, "my dear boy—dear me, dear me. I'm afraid you're going to have a dreadful time when you grow up. I really mustn't encourage you. ”

“ The more you live in your head, dreaming and seeing things that aren't there, the less you'll see the things that are there. You'll always be tumbling over things. You'll never get on. You'll never be a success."
"Never mind," said Hugh, "it doesn't matter much what you say now, you're only talking 'for my good' like Mr. Lasher. I don't care, I heard what you said yesterday, and it's made all the difference. I'll come and stay with you."
"Well, so you shall," said Mr. Pidgen. "I can't help it. You shall come as often as you like. Upon my soul, I'm younger to-day than I've felt for a long time. ”

“ All the 'Change is as busy as the devil in a high wind.”
“No—no more dabbling, Timmis,” replied Mr. Crobble; “I lost a cool hundred last account; I want a word in private with you”—and he glanced towards me; upon which I seized my hat, and took up my position at my old post on the landing. How were my feelings altered since I first loitered there, listening to the marvels of poor Matthew!
I was lost in a pleasant reverie, when the sharp voice of Mr. Timmis recalled me.
“Andrew,” said he, “my friend Crobble wants a clerk, and has cast his eye upon you. What do you say?” ”

“ Wallis said, to "grub" at his expense.
They nick-named him Maximo Rotundo—and he well deserved the title.
"Where's Timmis?" said he, one day after he had taken a seat, and puffed and blowed for the space of five minutes—"Cuss them stairs; they'll be the death o' me."
I ran to summon my master.
"How are you, old fellow?" demanded Mr. Timmis; "tip us your fin."
"Queer!" replied Mr. Crobble,—tapping his breast gently with his fat fist, and puffing out his cheeks—to indicate that his lungs were disordered.
"What, bellows to mend?" cried my accomplished patron— D___ me, never say die!" ”

“ Crobble having 'satisfied' the boatman, Mr. Wallis gave me half-a-crown, and bade me make the best of my way home. I pocketed the money, and resolved to 'go on the highway,' and trudge on foot.
“Andrew,” said my worthy patron, “now don't go and make a beast of yourself, but walk straight home.”
“Andrew,” said Mr. Wallis, imitating his friend's tone of admonition; “if any body asks you to treat 'em, bolt; if any body offers to treat you, retreat!”
“Andrew,” said Mr. Crobble, who was determined to put in his oar, and row in the same boat as his friends; “Andrew,”—“Yes, Sir;” ”

“ And leaping the hedge he took the 'pork' in his arms, while the sportsmen who had used their arms so destructively now took to their legs for security. But ignorance of the locality led them into the midst of a village, and the stentorian shouts of the pig-bearer soon bringing a multitude at their heels, Mr. Richard Grubb was arrested in his flight. Seized fast by the collar, in the grasp of the butcher and constable of the place, all escape was vain. Spriggs kept a respectful distance. ”

“ Richard. Mr. Augustus Spriggs now raised his chum upon his legs, and was certainly rather alarmed at the sanguinary effusion.
“Vere's your hankercher?—here!—take mine,—that's it—there!—let's look at it.”
“Can you see it?” said Grubb, mournfully twisting about his face most ludicrously, and trying at the same time to level his optics towards the damaged gnomon.
“Yes!”
“I can't feel it,” said Grubb; “it's numbed like dead.”
“My gun vent off quite by haccident, and if your nose is spoilt, can't you have a vax von?—Come, it ain't so bad!” ”

“ Mr. Crobble interrupted our colloquy. “All right t'other side the channel, Mounseer,” cried be, elated; “we've licked Boney: he's done up; stocks are up; and Timmis, (your old master, Andrew) is as busy as a bee—only he's making money instead of honey!”
He shook hands with Monsieur Dubois; and congratulated him upon the restoration of Louis the Eighteenth.
I mentioned to him Monsieur Dubois' intention of proceeding immediately to France. “He's right,” cried he; “let every man stick to his King and his country ”

“ Seymour’s first sketch was of a long, thin man. The present immortal one he made from my description of a friend of mine at Richmond—a fat old beau who would wear, in spite of the ladies’ protests, drab tights and black gaiters. His name was John Foster.1
1 Is there not a blend of Mr. ”

“ Timmis; and his friend joined in the laugh.
“I was a-thinking, Timmis—don't you belong to a cricketclub?”
“To be sure.”
—“Of joining you.”
“That's the ticket,” cried Timmis—“consider yourself elected; I can carry any thing there. I'm quite the cock of the walk, and no mistake. Next Thursday's a field-day—I'll introduce you. Lord! you'll soon be right as a trivet.”
Mr Wallis was summoned, and the affair was soon arranged; and I had the gratification of being present at Mr. Crobble's inauguration. ”