Robert Seymour

“ I WAS startled by the batho-romantic sentiment of Matthew, somewhat in the same manner as the young lady at the bookseller's, when she was accosted by a musical dustman, with—"I say, ma'am, do you happen to have the hair of 'All round my hat I vears a green villow?'"
But, however ridiculous they may appear, such incongruous characters are by no means caricatures—nay, are "as plentiful as blackberries," especially in the lower grades of society.
I was indulging in a reverie of this sort, when Monsieur Dubois, my kind and gentlemanly tutor, abruptly entered the office. ”

“ Timmis valued the servant much less than the servant valued the master.
"Only look here, Wally," cried he; "here stands Andrew, like an ass between two bundles of hay."
"Rather like a bundle of hay between two asses, I think," replied Mr. Wallis; and good-naturedly tapping me on the shoulder, he continued—" accept Mr. Crobble's offer, Master Andrew: you're much too good for Timmis—he can soon get a grubby half-crown boy—but you may wait a long time for such an eligible offer."
"Eighteen shillings a week," said Mr. Crobble ”

“ Crobble; "d'ye think—have you any friends?"
"None, sir; my father is a poor man, and quite unable." I could scarcely speak—like the driver of the one-horse chaise, I could neither advance nor recede.
"The father," said Mr. Timmis, "is only a poor shoe-maker—a good fellow tho'—an excellent fit!"
"You mean to say," cried Mr. Wallis, "it were bootless to seek security of the shoe-maker." ”

“ Crobble, sir—but—I have received so many favours from you, that I'm afraid I might seem ungrateful."
The good-natured Mr. Wallis happily stepped in at this moment to my relief.
"Nonsense," replied Mr. Timmis; "the stock is delivered to the highest bidder; here Crobble backs eighteen shillings a week against my half-a-crown-take him." ”

“ Pic-nics are his delight; but he always leaves others to bring the grub, and brings nothing but himself. I hate Pic-nics, squatting in the grass don't suit me at all; when once down, I find it no easy matter to get up again, I can tell you."
Hereupon there was a general laugh.
"Talking of Pic-nics," said Mr. Timmis. "reminds me of one that was held the other day in a meadow, on the banks of the Lea. The party, consisting of ladies only, and a little boy, had just spread out their prog on a clean table-cloth, when they were alarmed by the approach of a cow. ”

“ They have no care for the morrow, but spend lavishly the hard-earned wages of their adventurous life. To one like myself, who early knew the value of money, this thoughtless extravagance certainly appeared unaccountable, and nearly allied to madness; but, when I reflected that they are sometimes imprisoned in a ship for years, without touching land, and frequently in peril of losing their lives—that they have scarcely time to scatter their wages and prize-money in the short intervals which chance offers them of mixing with their fellow-men, my wonder changed to pity. ”

“ Timmis.
"When I heard of the accident, of course, as in duty bound, I wrote an anxious letter of affectionate enquiry and condolence. At the same period, seeing an advertisement in the Times—'To be sold, warranted sound, a gray-mare, very fast, and carries a lady; likewise a bay-cob, quiet to ride or drive, and has carried a lady'—I was so tickled with the co-incidence, that I cut it out, and sent it to her in an envelope."
"Prime! by Jove!"—shouted Mr. Crobble—"But, I say, Wallis—you should have sent her a 'duck' too, as a symbolical memorial of her accident!" ”

“ The next morning, punctual to the hour, I waited at his office, which was in a large building adjoining the Stock Exchange, as full as a dove-cot, with gentlemen of the same feather.
"O!" said he, eyeing my parent, "and you're this chap's father, are you? What are you?" ”

“ Wallis of its truth; and he immediately entered into an explanation on the Frenchman's situation. He had known him, he said, for several years as a tutor in the family of one of his clients, by whom he was much respected: a heavy loss had compelled them suddenly to reduce their establishment; Dubois had entreated to remain with his pupil—refused to receive any salary—and had even served his old patron in the capacity of a menial, adhering to him in all his misfortunes, and only parted with him, reluctantly, at the door of the debtor's prison! ”

“ Wallis said, to "grub" at his expense.
They nick-named him Maximo Rotundo—and he well deserved the title.
"Where's Timmis?" said he, one day after he had taken a seat, and puffed and blowed for the space of five minutes—"Cuss them stairs; they'll be the death o' me."
I ran to summon my master.
"How are you, old fellow?" demanded Mr. Timmis; "tip us your fin."
"Queer!" replied Mr. Crobble,—tapping his breast gently with his fat fist, and puffing out his cheeks—to indicate that his lungs were disordered.
"What, bellows to mend?" cried my accomplished patron— D___ me, never say die!" ”

“ Crobble, "they're sure to make fools o' themselves in the end. There's Tom Davis, (you know Tom Davis?) he's always putting his notions into people's heads, and turning the laugh against 'em. If there's a ditch in the way, he's sure to dare some of his companions to leap it, before he overs it himself; if he finds it safe, away he springs like a greyhound."
"Exactly him, I know him," replied Mr. Timmis; "that's what he calls learning to shave upon other people's chins!"
"Excellent!" exclaimed Mr. Wallis.
"He's a very devil," continued Mr. Crobble ”

“ THE horse is really a noble animal—I hate all rail-roads, for putting his nose out of joint—puffing, blowing, smoking, jotting—always going in a straight line: if this mania should continue, we shall soon have the whole island ruled over like a copy-book—nothing but straight lines—and sloping lines through every county in the kingdom! ”

“ Crobble paid a visit to my master.
"Well, old fellow, d___ me me, if you ain't a trump—how's your wind?"—kindly enquired Mr. Timmis.
"Vastly better, thank'ye; how's Wallis and the other fellows?—prime sport that cricketing."
"Yes; but, I say, you'll never have 'a run' of luck, if you stick to the wicket so."
"True; but I made a hit or two, you must allow," replied Mr. Crobble; "though I'm afraid I'm a sorry member."
"A member, indeed!—no, no; you're the body, and we're the—members," replied Mr. Timmis, laughing; "but, halloo! what's that patch on your forehead—bin a fighting?" ”

“ But the man only winked, and, significantly pointing the thumb of his left hand over his sinister shoulder, backed the horse.
"Vell, I'm blessed," exclaimed Mr. S.—and so he was—with a scolding wife and a squalling infant; "and they calls this here a trust, the fools! and there ain't no trust at all!"
And the poor animal got another vindictive cut. Oh! Mr. Martin!—thou friend of quadrupeds!—would that thou had'st been there. "It's all my eye and Betty Martin!" muttered Mr. S., as he wheeled about the jaded beast he drove, and retraced the road. ”

“ Timmis, startled by his sudden exit, looked at Mr. Wallis for an explanation.
"By ___" exclaimed Mr. Wallis seriously—"you've hurt that poor fellow's feelings. I would sooner have given a guinea than he should have heard you. Dubois is a gentleman; and altho' he's completely 'stumped,' and has'nt a place to put his head in, he's tenacious of that respect which is due to every man, whether he happens to be at a premium, or a discount." ”

“ Timmis's numerous clients, was one Mr. Cornelius Crobble, a man of most extraordinary dimensions; he was also a "chum" of, and frequently made one of a party with, his friend Mr. Wallis, and other croneys, to white-bait dinners at Blackwall, and other intellectual banquets. In fact, he seldom made his appearance at the office, but the visit ended in an engagement to dine at some "crack-house" or other. The cost of the "feed," as Mr. Timmis termed it, was generally decided by a toss of "best two and three;" and somehow it invariably happened that Mr. Crobble lost ”

“ Tom was steering, and I took the sculls, sitting my back to him like a gaby!"
"'I, think there must be something wrong about your rowing,' said Tom.
"'My rowing!' cried I; 'nonsense!—it's because you don't steer right.' Well, at last a waterman came alongside, and grinning (the fellow couldn't help it) good-naturedly, pointed out the cause of our dilemma; at which we both laughed heartily. ”

“ Master's daughter, wots come from boarding school! says the sight of 'ems' enough to frighten one into conwulsions!"
Alas! for the prejudice of the world! How much this ignorant remark reminded me of my patron's unfounded hatred of all "forriners." It was precisely the same sentiment, differently expressed, that actuated the thoughts and opinions of both.
I must, however, do Mr. Timmis the justice to say, that he made ample amends to Monsieur Dubois for the affront he had so thoughtlessly put upon the worthy Frenchman; and did all in his power to obtain him pupils. ”

“ Wallis.
We now approached the 'Plough;' and Mr. Crobble having 'satisfied' the boatman, Mr. Wallis gave me half-a-crown, and bade me make the best of my way home. I pocketed the money, and resolved to 'go on the highway,' and trudge on foot.
"Andrew," said my worthy patron, "now don't go and make a beast of yourself, but walk straight home."
"Andrew," said Mr. Wallis, imitating his friend's tone of admonition; "if any body asks you to treat 'em, bolt; if any body offers to treat you, retreat!" ”

“ At different times, what different meanings the self-same words obtain. According to the reading of the new poor-law guardians, "Union," as far as regards man and wife, is explained "Separation;" or, like a ship when in distress, the "Union" is reversed! In respect of his union, Spriggins would have most relished the reading of the former! But there are paradoxes—a species of verbal puzzle—which, in the course of this ride, our amiable family of the Spriggins's experienced to their great discomfort. ”

“ Matthew, like other youths of a poetical temperament, from Petrarch down to Lord Byron, had a 'passion.'
I accidentally discovered the object of his platonic flame in the person of the little grubby-girl—the servant of the house-keeper—for, as the proverb truly says,
"Love and a cough cannot be hid." ”

“ Is it matter of wonder, then, that while men of superior intellect and education are still weak enough to seek excitement in vinous potations, that the vulgar, poor, and destitute, should endeavour to drown their sorrows by swallowing the liquid fires displayed under various names, by the wily priests of Silenus! ”

“ Mr. Crobble interrupted our colloquy. "All right t'other side the channel, Mounseer," cried be, elated; "we've licked Boney: he's done up; stocks are up; and Timmis, (your old master, Andrew) is as busy as a bee—only he's making money instead of honey!"
He shook hands with Monsieur Dubois; and congratulated him upon the restoration of Louis the Eighteenth.
I mentioned to him Monsieur Dubois' intention of proceeding immediately to France. "He's right," cried he; "let every man stick to his King and his country ”

“ Mr. Crobble was the chief mark for all their sallies, and indeed he really appeared, from his size, to have been intended by Nature for a "butt," as Mr. Wallis wickedly remarked.
"You told, me, Crobble, of your hunting exploit in Hertfordshire," said Mr. Wallis; "I'll tell you something as bangs that hollow; I'm sure I thought I should have split with laughter when I heard of it. You know the old frump, my Aunt Betty, Timmis?"
"To be sure—she with the ten thousand in the threes," replied Mr. Timmis; "a worthy creature; and I'm sure you admire her principal."
"Don't I," cried Wallis ”

“ Timmis was just raising a bottle of pale sherry to his lips—"I say, Jim, what birds are we most like now?"
"Why swallows, to be sure," quickly replied my patron; who was really, on most occasions, a match for his croney in the sublime art of punning, and making conundrums, a favourite pastime with the wits of the Stock Exchange.
CHAPTER V.—The Stalking Horse.
"Retributive Justice"
ON the same landing where Timmis (as he termed it) 'held out,' were five or six closets nick-named offices, and three other boys. One was the nephew of the before-mentioned Wallis, and a very imp of mischief ”

“ Talk of the charities of the wealthy, they are as 'airy nothings' in the scale, compared with the unostentatious sympathy of the poor! The former only give a portion of their excess, while the latter willingly divide their humble crust with a fellow sufferer. ”

“ My father pleaded poverty; and at last he bargained to advance a guinea, and deduct it out of my weekly-wages of two and sixpence, and no board. My father was glad to make any terms, and the affair was consequently soon arranged. I was quickly fitted out, and the next morning attended his orders.
I had, however, little else to do than wait in his office, and run to the Stock Exchange, to summon him when a customer dropped in. ”

“ THE sad only hate a joke. Now, my friend Rory is in no sense a sad fellow, and he loves a joke exceedingly. His anecdotes of the turf are all racy; nor do those of the field less deserve the meed of praise! Lord F____ was a dandy sportsman, and the butt of the regulars. He was described by Rory as a "walkingstick"—slender, but very "knobby"—with a pair of mustaches and an eye-glass. Having lost the scent, he rode one day slick into a gardener's ground, when his prad rammed his hind-legs into a brace of hand-glasses, and his fore-legs into a tulip-bed. ”