Pyecroft

“ I saw Captain Malan turn to his senior.
“Come to my cabin!” said Panke gratingly, and led the way. Pyecroft and I stayed still.
“It’s all right,” said Pyecroft. “They daren’t leave us loose aboard for one revolution,” and I knew that he had seen what I had seen.
“You, too!” said Captain Malan, returning suddenly. We passed the sentry between white enamelled walls of speckless small arms, and since that Royal Marine Light infantryman was visibly suffocating from curiosity, I winked at him. We entered the chintz-adorned, photo-speckled, brass-fendered, tile-stoved main cabin. ”

“ Thus we floated in space as souls drift through raw time. Night added herself to the fog, and I laid hold on my limbs jealously, lest they, too, should melt in the general dissolution.
“Where’s that prevaricatin’ fishmonger?” said Pyecroft, turning a lantern on a scant yard of the gleaming wire-rope that pointed like a stick to my left. “He’s doin’ some fancy steerin’ on his own. No wonder Mr. Hincheliffe is blasphemious. The tow’s sheered off to starboard, Sir. He’ll fair pull the stern out of us.”
Moorshed, invisible, cursed through the megaphone into invisibility. ”

“ Pyecroft bit back a weighty reproof.
"Wind her up, Mr. Leggatt," he said, "and ram 'er at the first lowest place in the ridge. You men fall in an' push behind if she checks."
"What's that for? You ain't never—"
"We're goin' to shift 'im. All you've got to do is to 'elp the car over the ridge an' then take cover. You talk too much." He swung out of the car, and Leggatt mounted. The churn of the machinery drowned Mr. Voss's protests, but as the car drew away along the sands westerly, followed by the men, he said to Pyecroft : ' But—but suppose you annoy him? He may blow up the works. ”

“ I said to my man, “help Salmon home with my car.”
“Home? Now? It’s hard. It’s cruel hard,” said Leggat, almost with a sob.
Hinchcliffe outlined my car’s condition briefly to the two engineers. Mr. Pyecroft clung to our guest, who stared with affrighted eyes at the palpitating Octopod; and the free wind of high Sussex whimpered across the ling.
“I am quite agreeable to walkin’ ’ome all the way on my feet,” said our guest. “I wouldn’t go to any railway station. It ’ud be just the proper finish to our little joke.” He laughed nervously.
“What’s the evolution?” said Pyecroft. ”

“ Pyecroft," he says, "it can't have escaped your notice that we 'ave one angry and 'ighly intelligent army in front of us, an' another 'ighly angry and equally intelligent army in our rear. What 'ud you recommend?"
'Most men would have besought 'im to do a lateral glide while there was yet time, but all I said was: "The rocking-horse isn't expended yet, sir."
'He laid his hand on my shoulder. "Pye," says he, "there's worse men than you in loftier places. They shall 'ave it. None the less," he remarks, "the ice is undeniably packing." ”

“ At the edge of the evening she smelt the sea to southward and sheered thither like the strong-winged albatross, to circle enormously amid green flats fringed by martello towers.
“Ain’t that Eastbourne yonder?” said our guest, reviving. “I’ve a aunt there—she’s cook to a J.P.—could identify me.”
“Don’t worry her for a little thing like that,” said Pyecroft; and ere he had ceased to praise family love, our unpaid judiciary, and domestic service, the Downs rose between us and the sea, and the Long Man of Hillingdon lay out upon the turf. ”

“ Mr. Pyecroft leaned forward and dealt the Marine a large pattern Navy kick. “’Ere, Glass! You was sentry when ’Op went to the old man—the first time, with Antonio’s washin’-book. Tell us what transpired. You’re sober. You don’t know how sober you are!”
The Marine cautiously raised his head a few inches. As Mr. Pyecroft said, he was sober—after some R.M.L.I. fashion of his own devising. “’Op bounds in like a startled anteloper, carryin’ ’is signal-slate at the ready. ”

“ He wouldn't have kept much longer without some one in his own language to tell it to. I don't know any man I ever took more compassion on than Jules. 'Is sufferings swelled him up centimetres, and all he could do on the Hard was to kiss Lootenant Morshed and me, and your Mr. Leggatt. He deserved that much. A cordial beggar.'
Pyecroft looked at the washed cups on the table, and the low sunshine on my car's back in the yard. ”

“ We floated, a minute speck, between the two hulls, while the pipes went for the captain’s galley on the Devolution.
“That’s all right,” said Moorshed. “Wait till the gangway’s down and then board her decently. We oughtn’t to be expected to climb up a ship we’ve sunk.”
Pyecroft lay on his disreputable oars till Captain Malan, full-uniformed, descended the Devolution’s side. ”

“ Hereupon I told him my tale, and for proof, as we topped the hill, pointed out the little group round my car.
All supreme emotion is dumb. Kysh put on the brake and hugged me to his bosom till I groaned. Then, as I remember, he crooned like a mother returned to her suckling.
“Divine! Divine!” he murmured. “Command me.”
“Take charge of the situation,” I said. “You’ll find a Mr. Pyecroft on the quarter-deck. I’m altogether out of it.” ”

“ The uncle, sunk in his chair, snored a little; the canary answered with a shrill lullaby. Pyecroft picked up the duster, threw it over the cage, put his finger to his lips, and we tiptoed out into the shop, while Leggatt brought the car round.
'I'll look out for the news in the papers,' I said, as I got in.
'Oh, we short-circuited that! Nothing trarnspired excep' a statement to the effect that some Territorial battalions had played about with turnips at the conclusion of the manœuvres. The taxpayer don't know all he gets for his money. ”

“ Pritchard insisted. “Why—why—to listen to him you wouldn’t think that only yesterday——”
“Pritch,” said Pyecroft, “be warned in time. If we begin tellin’ what we know about each other we’ll be turned out of the pub. Not to mention aggravated desertion on several occasions——”
“Never anything more than absence without leaf—I defy you to prove it,” said the Sergeant hotly. “An’ if it comes to that how about Vancouver in ’87?”
“How about it? Who pulled bow in the gig going ashore? Who told Boy Niven...?” ”

“ Pyecroft’s answer. “I ’ave ascertained that Stiletto, Wraith, and Kobbold left at 6 P.M. with the first division o’ Red Fleet’s cruisers except Devolotion and Cryptic, which are delayed by engine-room defects.” Then to me: “Won’t you go aboard? Mr. Moorshed ’ud like some one to talk to. You buy an ’am an’ see life.” ”

“ I said, “and this Marine. Will you please give the boat’s crew a drink now, and another in half an hour if—if Mr.——”
“Pyecroft,” said the square man. “Emanuel Pyecroft, second-class petty-officer.”
“—Mr. Pyecroft doesn’t object?”
“He don’t. Clear out. Goldin’, you picket the hill by yourself, throwin’ out a skirmishin’-line in ample time to let me know when Number One’s comin’ down from his vittles.”
The crowd dissolved. We passed into the quiet of the inner bar, the Red Marine zealously leading the way. ”

“ Pyecroft?” I said.
“Only water. Warm water, with a little whisky an’ sugar an’ per’aps a lemon.”
“Mine’s beer,” said the Marine. “It always was.”
“Look ’ere, Glass. You take an’ go to sleep. The picket’ll be comin’ for you in a little time, an’ per’aps you’ll ’ave slep’ it off by then. What’s your ship, now?” said Mr. Wessels.
“The Ship o’ State—most important?” said the Red Marine magnificently, and shut his eyes.
“That’s right,” said Mr. Pyecroft. “He’s safest where he is. An’ now—here’s santy to us all!—what d’you want o’ me?” ”

“ Moorshed was at the wheel, and another man worked the whistle.
“This fog is the best thing could ha’ happened to us,” said Moorshed. “It gives us our chance to run in on the quiet.... Hal-lo!”
A cracked bell rang. Clean and sharp (beautifully grained, too) , a bowsprit surged over our starboard bow, the bobstay confidentially hooking itself into our forward rail.
I saw Pyecroft’s arm fly up; heard at the same moment the severing of the tense rope, the working of the wheel, Moorshed’s voice down the tube saying, “Astern a little, please, Mr. Hinchcliffe!” ”

“ Pyecroft, I do not feel myself justified towards my generous and long-suffering employer in takin' on that kind of ballast as well." I assure you he considered your interests.'
'And the girls?' I asked.
'Oh, I left that to Jules. I'm a monogomite by nature. So we embarked strictly ong garçong. But I should tell you, in case he didn't, that your Mr. Leggatt's care for your interests 'ad extended to sheathing the car in matting and gunny-bags to preserve her paint-work. ”

“ We’ve run as much as one mile and a half without incident," he replied tartly.
"Then you’re lucky," said my engineer, bristling in turn.
"They’ll wreck the whole turret out o’ nasty professional spite in a minute," said Pyecroft. "That’s the worst o’ machinery. Man dead ahead, Hinch—semaphorin’ like the flagship in a fit!"
"Amen!" said Hinchcliffe. "Shall I stop, or shall I cut him down?"
He stopped, for full in the centre of the Linghurst Road stood a person in pepper-and-salt raiment (ready-made) , with a brown telegraph envelope in his hands. ”

“ I was filled to my moist eyes with the almost sacred beauty of sense and association that clad the landscape.
"Does ’unger produce ’alluciations ?" said Pyecroft in a whisper. "Because I’ve just seen a sacred ibis walkin’ arm in arm with a British cock-pheasant."
"What are you panickin’ at?" said Hinchcliffe. "I’ve been seein’ zebra for the last two minutes, but I ’aven’t complained."
He pointed behind us, and I beheld a superb painted zebra (Burchell’s, I think) , following our track with palpitating nostrils. The car stopped, and it fled away. ”

“ What a little thing is an uncle, Mr. Pyecroft, in the presence o' these glitterin' constellations! Simply ludicrous!" he says, "to waste a rocking-horse on an individual. We must socialise it. But we must get their 'eads up first. Touch off one rocket, if you please."
'I touched off a green three-pounder which rose several thousand metres, and burst into gorgeous stars. "Reproduce the manœuvre," he says, "at the other end o' this ridge—if it don't end in another cliff." So we steamed down the ridge a mile and a half east, and then I let Jules touch off a pink rocket, or he'd ha' kissed me. ”

“ Hinchcliffe’s face grew livid, and, his hand ever so slightly working on the throttle, the car buzzed twenty yards uphill.
“That’s enough. We’ll take your word for it. The mountain will go to Ma’ommed. Stand fast!”
Pyecroft and I and the rug marched up where she and Hinchcliffe fumed together.
“Not as easy as it looks—eh, Hinch?”
“It is dead easy. I’m going to drive her to Instead Wick—aren’t I?” said the first-class engine-room artificer. I thought of his performances with No. 267 and nodded. After all, it was a small privilege to accord to pure genius. ”

“ When he wasn’t drinkin’, in which case all ’is teeth clicked on the glass, ’e was clickin’ ’is four false teeth like a Marconi ticker. ‘Yes! lookin’ for me,’ he said, an’ he went on very softly an’ as you might say affectionately. ‘But, he went on, ‘in future, Mr. Pyecroft, I should take it kindly of you if you’d confine your remarks to the drinks set before you. Otherwise,’ he says, ‘with the best will in the world towards you, I may find myself guilty of murder! Do you understand?’ he says. ”

“ But there’s a lot more——”
“Whack her up, Mr. Hinchcliffe! Come on to the bridge. We can settle it as we go. Well?”
Mr. Pyecroft drew an important breath, and slid off his cap.
“Day an’ night private signals of Red Fleet complete, Sir!” He handed a little paper to Moorshed. “You see, Sir, the trouble was, that Mr. Carteret-Jones bein’, so to say, a little new to his duties, ’ad forgot to give ’is gunner his Admiralty orders in writin’, but, as I told Commander Fasset, Mr. Jones had been repeatin’ ’em to me, nervous-like, most of the way from Portsmouth, so I knew ’em by heart—an’ better. ”

“ The marine whistled penetratingly.
“That’s what I thought,” said Pyecroft. “I went ashore with him in the cutter an’ ’e asked me to walk through the station. He was clickin’ audibly, but otherwise seemed happy-ish.
“‘You might like to know,’ he says, stoppin’ just opposite the Admiral’s front gate, ‘that Phyllis’s Circus will be performin’ at Worcester to-morrow night. So I shall see ’er yet once again. You’ve been very patient with me,’ he says.
“‘Look here, Vickery,’ I said, ‘this thing’s come to be just as much as I can stand. Consume your own smoke. ”

“ It’s only his repartees, which ’e can’t contain, that conquers him. Shall I resume my narrative?”
Another drink was brought on this hint, and Mr. Pyecroft resumed.
“The essence o’ strategy bein’ forethought, the essence o’ tattics is surprise. Per’aps you didn’t know that? My forethought ’avin’ secured the initial advantage in attack, it remained for the old man to ladle out the surprise-packets. ’Eavens! What surprises! That night he dines with the wardroom, bein’ of the kind—I’ve told you as we were a ’appy ship?—that likes it, and the wardroom liked it too. ”

“ Then they turned sharp right--the ruts did--and then she stopped bonnet-high in a manure-heap, sir; but I'll swear it was all of a one in three gradient. I think it was a barnyard. We waited there,' said Leggatt.
'But not for long,' said Pyecroft. 'The lights were towering out of the drums on the position we 'ad so valiantly abandoned; and the Junior Service was escaladin' it en masse. When numerous bodies of 'ighly trained men arrive simultaneous in the same latitude from opposite directions, each remarking briskly, "What the 'ell did you do that for?" ”