William Schwenck Gilbert

“ Lady Foggerty screamed and fainted. Mr. Bortle, her father, rose, purple with rage, and thus delivered himself:
“Fred! Fred Foggerty! you're drunk—drunk at your own table! He must be drunk—to insult his wife in this manner—on this day of all others! Look, sir! Look at your work, scoundrel! She's fainted! Confound you, sir, she's fainted!"
"Be composed, Mr. Bortle," said Lord Portico.
"Be composed! No, sir, I shall not be composed. I am not here to be dictated to by anybody, whatever his rank, Lord Portico—be he baron, viscount, earl, marquis, duke, or king. ”

“ Ralph embraced Josephine rapturously as the crew danced, shouted, and flung up their caps for very joy. It was arranged that the happy pair, accompanied by the ship's company, should steal away that very night at twelve, in order to be married without a moment's delay, and as they all knew a chorus which happened to fit the situation exactly, they sung it as loud as they could:
Let's give three cheers for the sailor's bride,
Who casts all thoughts of rank aside,
Who gives up home and fortune too,
For the honest love of a sailor true! ”

“ Bobstay, "if you go for to infuriate this here ship's crew too far, I won't answer for being able to hold them in. I'm shocked, that's what I am, shocked."
"Messmates," said Ralph, who had been greatly impressed by what Sir Joseph had said, "my mind's made up. I'll speak to the Captain's daughter, and tell her, like an honest man, of the honest love I have for her!"
The crew cheered loudly.
"Is not my love as good as another's?" continued Ralph, "Is not my heart as true as another's? Have I not hands and eyes and ears and limbs like another?" ”

“ And Josephine rushed into Ralph's outstretched arms.
"She's the figure-head of my ship of life—the bright beacon that guides me into the port of happiness—the rarest, the purest gem that ever sparkled on a poor but worthy fellow's trusting brow."
The crew burst into tears at this lovely speech and sobbed heavily. It had quite a different effect on Sir Joseph who, forgetting all his dignity, danced about the deck in a blind fury. ”

“ So when Captain Corcoran praised his crew so highly, Sir Joseph Porter said to him, very angrily:
"Don't patronize them, sir. That you are their Captain is a mere accident of birth. I cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronized because an accident of birth has placed you above them, and them below you."
Poor Captain Corcoran turned very red and felt extremely tingly down the back at being so publicly rebuked. It is always a mistake to rebuke people in the presence of those who have to obey them, if it can possibly be avoided. ”

“ Katisha, for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly hut surely consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me! ”

“ I have not dwelt at any length on Emmie Talboys' appearance and characteristics, for, when I first knew her, she did not make any very decided impression on me. She had a quiet, retiring, assuming way with her, that appeared rather to shun observation than to court it; and, at first, her extreme nervousness made us feel that the ordinary matter-of-course attentions which we should have paid to any other young lady, would have frightened the poor little woman out of her senses. ”

“ I myself am one of the plainest men I have ever met, and at the same time I don't know a more agreeable old gentleman. But so strong was the prejudice against poor Dick Deadeye, that nothing he could say or do appeared to be right. The worst construction was placed upon his most innocent remarks, and his noblest sentiments were always attributed to some unworthy motive. They had no idea what the motive was, but they felt sure there was a motive, and that he ought to be ashamed of it. Dick Deadeye sighed sadly when Mr. Bobstay spoke so disparagingly of him. ”

“ Kneel, Jurymen, oh, kneel!
(All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden from audience.)
Usher.
Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise,
'Twixt rich and poor—'twixt low and high,
That you will well and truly try.
Jury (raising their hands, which alone are visible) . ”

“ Little Buttercup, who always knew more about people than anybody else, knew a good deal of Captain Corcoran's history, as will presently appear. He was not really Captain Corcoran, and she knew it. More than that, she knew who he really was, but it did not suit her to tell him just then. I believe that this mysterious Little Buttercup was able to prove, from the hidden depths of her miscellaneous information, that every human being alive was somebody else, and that no human being alive was what people really supposed him to be. ”

“ One day the little maid did not appear on her balcony, and for several days I saw nothing of her; and although I threw my flowers as usual, no flower came to keep it company. However, after a time, she reappeared, dressed in black, and crying often, and then I knew that the poor child's mother was dead, and, as far as I knew, she was alone in the world. The flowers came no more for many days, nor did she show any sign of recognition, but kept her eyes on her work, except when she placed her handkerchief to them. ”

“ Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married to-day to the man I love best, and I believe I am the very happiest girl in Japan! Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In "all but" perfection?
Peep. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know. ”

“ It was such a maddening little nose, and had so extraordinary an effect on the world at large that, whenever she went into Society, she found it necessary to wear a large pasteboard artificial nose of so unbecoming and ridiculous a description that people passed her without taking the smallest notice of her. This alone is enough to show what a kind-hearted and self-sacrificing girl was the beautiful Josephine Corcoran. One of the smartest sailors on board Her Majesty's Ship Pinafore was a young fellow called Ralph Rackstraw, though, as will be seen presently, that was not his real name. ”

“ We hear that you fell in love with a man, and that you ran into debt, and that you borrowed money, and that you told stories, and that you actually were the cause of a duel between two of your admirers. All this is very, very dreadful!"
How they knew all this I cannot for the life of me imagine, as they had held no communication whatever with the world during the ex-Queen's absence.
"It is all true," said the Queen, "and, as you say, it is very dreadful. But make some allowance for me. See what evil effect the presence among you of one mortal, and that one a very good one, has worked! ”

“ You see I'm only a topman—a mere fore-mast hand—"
"Don't be ashamed of that," said Sir Joseph, "a topman is necessarily at the top of everything."
This, of course, was not the case, but Sir Joseph, having been a solicitor, did not know any better.
"Well, your honour," said Ralph, "love burns as brightly on the forecastle as it does on the deck, and Josephine is the fairest bud that ever blossomed on the tree of a poor fellow's wildest hopes!"
Sir Joseph could scarcely believe his ears.
"Are you referring to—er—Miss Josephine Corcoran?" gasped Sir Joseph. ”

“ Sir Joseph has explained our true position to us, and if he says that a British sailor is any man's equal, why it's our duty to believe him!"
"That's right enough!" muttered all the sailors, except Dick Deadeye, who knew better.
"You're on the wrong tack," said he, "and so's Sir Joseph. He means well, but he don't know. When people have to obey other people's orders, equality's out of the question."
I really believe that if the crew had not been restrained by humane consideration, they would have pulled Dick Deadeye's hair. ”

“ Yum. (still sobbing) . Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself!
Nank. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be down-hearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let's— let's be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.)
Pish. By all means. Let's— let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves. Pitti. It's — it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.)
Yum. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL.
Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing, Nanki-Poo, and Pish-Tush. ”

“ Good, virtuous straightforward, and temperate men were engaged to blameless women who were calculated to make admirable wives and mothers, and there was every prospect that Ploverleigh would become celebrated as the only Home of Perfect Happiness. There was but one sad soul in the village. The good old Bishop had drunk freely of the philtre, but there was no one left to love him. It was pitiable to see the poor love-lorn prelate as he wandered disconsolately through the smiling meadows of Ploverleigh, pouring out the accents of his love to an incorporeal abstraction. ”

“ At length the Hot Cross Bun was ordered to make ready to go to sea, and Little Buttercup, who couldn't bear the thought that she might never see him again, dressed herself in sailor's clothes, and presented herself on board, as a (not very) young man who wanted to go to sea. Captain Corcoran, who, as a matter of course, did not recognize her in this disguise, accepted her as a member of his crew, and when the Hot Cross Bun sailed Little Buttercup sailed with it. ”

“ This sounds rather conceited of Ralph, but he had learnt from Captain Corcoran to speak the exact truth on all occasions. Besides, he wanted to convince Sir Joseph how right he was in the opinion he had formed.
"Now tell me, Ralph—don't be afraid—how does your Captain treat you?"
"A better Captain don't walk the deck, your honour!"
And all the rest of the crew said "Hear, hear!"
This was not quite what Sir Joseph wanted. He would rather that Ralph had said, "Well, he does his best, poor chap," or something of that half complimentary kind. However, he managed to conceal his disappointment. ”

“ There are no men in this Fairyland. I can't have a man in my Paradise—at least, not at first. I know so much about men, being myself a man, that I would rather not think of them in connection with a place where all is calm, and gentle, and tranquil, and happy. I know so little about women, that I propose to people this happy, dreamy, peaceful place with none but women. ”

“ The butt of epauletted Scorn— [1]
⁠The mark of quarter-deck derision—
Have dared to raise my wormy eyes
⁠Above the dust to which you'd mould me;
In manhood's glorious pride to rise,
⁠I am an Englishman—behold me! And at once all the crew, carried off their feet with enthusiasm, shouted their own domestic National Anthem, led by the energetic Mr. Bobstay:
He is an Englishman! ”

“ Enter Katisha, Ko-Ko, Pitti-Sing and Pooh-Bah. They throw themselves at the Mikado's feet.
Kat. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy even for Pooh-Bah!
Mik. I beg your pardon; I don't think I quite caught that remark.
Pooh. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh! You've not been long about it!
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh. I am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent—
Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel. ”

“ One day Captain Paulby came home earlier than usual, looking very grave, and with him came the kind doctor, and with them another doctor, an older man, but also very kind. They went up into little Mim's room, and they stayed so long that Joe and I stole down from our old dark play-room to hear, if we could, the reason of his father's unexpected return. And Joe and I cried as if our hearts would break, for our dear little wife was dying. ”

“ Céline, I——"
At this point he looked over her shoulder, and saw, standing behind her De Quillac, white and stern, with a drawn sword in his hand. The truth flashed upon Richelieu in a moment.
"This is a trap," said he.
"It is a trap," replied Céline.
"It is a trap," repeated De Quillac. "For many months you have grossly insulted my wife, and, through my wife, myself. I have sent you challenge after challenge, but my messages were ignored by you. Inflamed beyond endurance at the many outrages you have dared to inflict upon us, we have devised this plan to get you into our power." ”

“ Baylis and Culpepper had not over-stated the singular effects of the “Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-First-Sight Draught.” Sir Caractacus's hard and firmly-set features gradually relaxed as the old lady sipped the contents of her glass. Zorah set it down when she had quite emptied it, and as she did so her eyes met those of the good old Baronet. She blushed under the ardour of his gaze, and a tear trembled on her old eyelid.
"You're a remarkably fine woman," said Sir Caractacus, "and singularly well preserved for your age." ”

“ Enter Pooh-Bah.
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes.
Ko. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know— this is getting serious— a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner. ”

“ Zorah is not what the world calls beautiful."
“Zorah is very good, and very clean and honest, and quite, quite sober in her habits,” said Jessie warmly, “and that is worth more—far more than beauty, dear papa. Beauty will fade and perish, but personal cleanliness is practically undying, for it can be renewed whenever it discovers symptoms of decay. Oh, I am sure you will be happy!” And Jessie hurried off to tell Stanley Gay how nobly the potion had done its work. ”

“ She's stuck to me through thick and thin, for I've had a hardish time of it, take one thing with another, and here I am thrown high and dry beyond the reach, as I humbly believe, of poverty, with my boy here—look up, young John—with my boy here a-serving the Queen; (John, my boy, fill up) —a-serving the Queen, God bless her, and doing more to make his old dad's heart happy, by doing that for ninety pound a year than if he was managing a bank with five hundred. Gentlemen, this is all Pintle and Sim, and what I say is, Here's the health of Pintle and Sim, and God bless 'em. The Firm, gentlemen. ”

“ I consider very likely that I am a judge of metaphysics without knowing it. I am in the habit of hissing a play as soon as I am bored. I consider it quite likely that I might be bored by scenes with which other people might be pleased. There is no accounting for tastes. I do not know whether hissing a dull scene at the commencement of a play would or would not be likely to disconcert the actors and render them unfit to do justice to their parts. I consider that that is their look out.
Lord Reginald Fitz-Urse.—I was a member of the audience to-night. ”

“ Time went by, and as the little maid grew up, her reflection grew down, and at last she was quite a little woman of, I suppose, sixteen or seventeen. I can only work for a couple of hours or so in the brightest part of the day, so I had plenty of time on my hands in which to watch her movements, and sufficient imagination to weave a little romance about her, and to endow her with a beauty which, to a great extent, I had to take for granted. ”

“ Although I cannot close my eyes to the terrible consequences that would ensue were your offence to pass absolutely unpunished, I am anxious to give the fullest effect to the very strong recommendation to mercy which the jury have appended to their verdict. On the whole, I concur with that recommendation, for I think you have received but scant justice at the hands of your opponents. The piece that has been played is not your own, and although your own play may be a bad play, you are entitled to expect that it will be played in its integrity and without additions. ”

“ A STAGE PLAY.
Most men, whatever their occupation may be, are accustomed to study man exclusively from their own point of view. A man who passes his life behind a tavern bar is apt to divide the human race into those who habitually refresh themselves in public-houses, and those who do not. A policeman classes society under two great heads—prosecutors and prisoners. In a footman's eyes, his fellow-men are either visitors or servants; in an author's, they are publishers or reviewers. Now, it is conceivable that a man may be at once a prosecutor, a visitor, and a publisher ”

“ The two brothers, John and James, looked moody, and Georgina was uncomfortably affectionate. I felt rather conscience smitten.
I began to think that in marrying Bridget secretly, I was perhaps acting an underhand part towards Georgina. I had never looked at it in that light before; it had always seemed to me to be the most natural thing in the world that a man who had engaged himself to Georgina should take the earliest opportunity of getting out of the engagement. ”

“ It did not take me very long to fall in love with her, but a long time passed before I could make up my mind to do more than nod to her every morning, when the old woman moved me from my bed to the sofa at the window, and again in the evening, when the little maid left the balcony for that day. One day, however, when I saw her reflection looking at mine, I nodded to her, and threw a flower into the canal. ”

“ Richelieu, infinitely pained at the news, was so good as to offer to remain with her until she should feel well enough to rejoin her friends—an offer which Céline gratefully accepted.
Left alone with her, he, as a matter of course, condoled with her on her affliction, and suggested many remedies, which she pettishly rejected.
"Bah! Monsieur le Duc, are you so young a hand as not to understand that there are headaches for which a congenial tête-à-tête is the best remedy? These friends of yours—they worry me. They talk so much, and they do not talk well. I can listen to you, but not to them." ”

“ And she gave him a written promise to marry him if anything ever happened to the Prince her husband.
"But," said the Count, "can you reconcile yourself to the fact that my proportions are insignificant?"
"Compared with me, as I now am, you are gigantic," said Bertha. "I am cured of my pride in my own splendid stature."
"Good," said the Count. "You have noticed the carbuncle that your husband (husband! ha! ha! but no matter) wears on his middle finger?" ”

“ So as Johnny Pounce he grew up, as Johnny Pounce he fought the battle of life, in a timidly courageous sort of way, like the comic soldier in the Battle of Waterloo, who is such a terrible coward until the necessity arises of engaging six or eight cuirassiers at once. ”

“ I think I should like to be a burglar."
"Yes," said my father, considering the subject. "Yes, it's a fine manly profession; but it's dangerous, it's highly dangerous."
"Just dangerous enough to be exciting, no more."
"Well," said my father, "if you've a distinct taste for burglary I'll see what can be done."
My dear father was always prompt with pen and ink. That evening he wrote to his old friend Ferdinand Stoneleigh, a burglar of the very highest professional standing, and in a week I was duly and formally articled to him, with a view to ultimate partnership. ”

“ Mister Maxwell; she's a good girl, she is—I don't like that sort of thing—she's a good girl, and you must leave her alone."
"Confound it. Levy, stop your infernal—no, no, I beg your pardon—there, you're a good fellow, and mean well—I respect you for it, but you mistake my meaning."
"Oh, it's all right, is it, Mister Maxwell? Well, you're a gentleman, and I don't believe you'd do a dirty thing. Her name is Tolboysh—Tolboysh."
"Then she and her mother are old and intimate friends of ours, and they are advertised for in to-day's Times. For God's sake let us go to them!" ”