William Schwenck Gilbert

“ One day Captain Paulby came home earlier than usual, looking very grave, and with him came the kind doctor, and with them another doctor, an older man, but also very kind. They went up into little Mim's room, and they stayed so long that Joe and I stole down from our old dark play-room to hear, if we could, the reason of his father's unexpected return. And Joe and I cried as if our hearts would break, for our dear little wife was dying. ”

“ We hear that you fell in love with a man, and that you ran into debt, and that you borrowed money, and that you told stories, and that you actually were the cause of a duel between two of your admirers. All this is very, very dreadful!"
How they knew all this I cannot for the life of me imagine, as they had held no communication whatever with the world during the ex-Queen's absence.
"It is all true," said the Queen, "and, as you say, it is very dreadful. But make some allowance for me. See what evil effect the presence among you of one mortal, and that one a very good one, has worked! ”

“ Good, virtuous straightforward, and temperate men were engaged to blameless women who were calculated to make admirable wives and mothers, and there was every prospect that Ploverleigh would become celebrated as the only Home of Perfect Happiness. There was but one sad soul in the village. The good old Bishop had drunk freely of the philtre, but there was no one left to love him. It was pitiable to see the poor love-lorn prelate as he wandered disconsolately through the smiling meadows of Ploverleigh, pouring out the accents of his love to an incorporeal abstraction. ”

“ Baylis and Culpepper had not over-stated the singular effects of the “Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-First-Sight Draught.” Sir Caractacus's hard and firmly-set features gradually relaxed as the old lady sipped the contents of her glass. Zorah set it down when she had quite emptied it, and as she did so her eyes met those of the good old Baronet. She blushed under the ardour of his gaze, and a tear trembled on her old eyelid.
"You're a remarkably fine woman," said Sir Caractacus, "and singularly well preserved for your age." ”

“ Céline, I——"
At this point he looked over her shoulder, and saw, standing behind her De Quillac, white and stern, with a drawn sword in his hand. The truth flashed upon Richelieu in a moment.
"This is a trap," said he.
"It is a trap," replied Céline.
"It is a trap," repeated De Quillac. "For many months you have grossly insulted my wife, and, through my wife, myself. I have sent you challenge after challenge, but my messages were ignored by you. Inflamed beyond endurance at the many outrages you have dared to inflict upon us, we have devised this plan to get you into our power." ”

“ The two brothers, John and James, looked moody, and Georgina was uncomfortably affectionate. I felt rather conscience smitten.
I began to think that in marrying Bridget secretly, I was perhaps acting an underhand part towards Georgina. I had never looked at it in that light before; it had always seemed to me to be the most natural thing in the world that a man who had engaged himself to Georgina should take the earliest opportunity of getting out of the engagement. ”

“ Zorah is not what the world calls beautiful."
“Zorah is very good, and very clean and honest, and quite, quite sober in her habits,” said Jessie warmly, “and that is worth more—far more than beauty, dear papa. Beauty will fade and perish, but personal cleanliness is practically undying, for it can be renewed whenever it discovers symptoms of decay. Oh, I am sure you will be happy!” And Jessie hurried off to tell Stanley Gay how nobly the potion had done its work. ”

“ Mister Maxwell; she's a good girl, she is—I don't like that sort of thing—she's a good girl, and you must leave her alone."
"Confound it. Levy, stop your infernal—no, no, I beg your pardon—there, you're a good fellow, and mean well—I respect you for it, but you mistake my meaning."
"Oh, it's all right, is it, Mister Maxwell? Well, you're a gentleman, and I don't believe you'd do a dirty thing. Her name is Tolboysh—Tolboysh."
"Then she and her mother are old and intimate friends of ours, and they are advertised for in to-day's Times. For God's sake let us go to them!" ”

“ I consider very likely that I am a judge of metaphysics without knowing it. I am in the habit of hissing a play as soon as I am bored. I consider it quite likely that I might be bored by scenes with which other people might be pleased. There is no accounting for tastes. I do not know whether hissing a dull scene at the commencement of a play would or would not be likely to disconcert the actors and render them unfit to do justice to their parts. I consider that that is their look out.
Lord Reginald Fitz-Urse.—I was a member of the audience to-night. ”

“ One day the little maid did not appear on her balcony, and for several days I saw nothing of her; and although I threw my flowers as usual, no flower came to keep it company. However, after a time, she reappeared, dressed in black, and crying often, and then I knew that the poor child's mother was dead, and, as far as I knew, she was alone in the world. The flowers came no more for many days, nor did she show any sign of recognition, but kept her eyes on her work, except when she placed her handkerchief to them. ”

“ It is not likely to last above three or four days longer, and as soon as I am thoroughly awake and capable of attending to business, I will certainly send a cheque for my premium. But not till then."
"I tell you, sir," replied Uncle Sparrow, "that the whole thing was a joke. I freely admit it. But it is time that this fooling came to an end. Write the cheque, like a good fellow, or Georgina will be left penniless."
"My own, my love," said Georgina, "don't be ridiculous. You are much older than I"—that wasn't true—"and in the natural course of events I shall survive you. ”

“ And she gave him a written promise to marry him if anything ever happened to the Prince her husband.
"But," said the Count, "can you reconcile yourself to the fact that my proportions are insignificant?"
"Compared with me, as I now am, you are gigantic," said Bertha. "I am cured of my pride in my own splendid stature."
"Good," said the Count. "You have noticed the carbuncle that your husband (husband! ha! ha! but no matter) wears on his middle finger?" ”

“ Although I cannot close my eyes to the terrible consequences that would ensue were your offence to pass absolutely unpunished, I am anxious to give the fullest effect to the very strong recommendation to mercy which the jury have appended to their verdict. On the whole, I concur with that recommendation, for I think you have received but scant justice at the hands of your opponents. The piece that has been played is not your own, and although your own play may be a bad play, you are entitled to expect that it will be played in its integrity and without additions. ”

“ I think I should like to be a burglar."
"Yes," said my father, considering the subject. "Yes, it's a fine manly profession; but it's dangerous, it's highly dangerous."
"Just dangerous enough to be exciting, no more."
"Well," said my father, "if you've a distinct taste for burglary I'll see what can be done."
My dear father was always prompt with pen and ink. That evening he wrote to his old friend Ferdinand Stoneleigh, a burglar of the very highest professional standing, and in a week I was duly and formally articled to him, with a view to ultimate partnership. ”

“ She was surprised at seeing a brown-faced sturdy soldier enter the room, and her astonishment was not diminished when he announced himself as a soldier of the late Captain Redfern's regiment, for Captain Redfern and she had never been on particularly friendly terms, and since Mr. Pintle's death they had come to open war. The mourning that she wore was not by any means the result of emotion at that officer's death, but sprung from a species of natural taste for tombs, and everything that pertained thereunto. ”

“ I hate lady. I like gentleman." Then she added as an after-thought, "You are haughty old customer, but I like you—you rummy old passenger!"
I was exceedingly annoyed at this. I plume myself upon my good taste in dress—that is to say, I study to dress myself in such a manner as to call for no remark of any kind, which I hold to be the perfection of good taste. My personal appearance is simply gentlemanly, without anything remarkable about it. It has been my constant study to be gentlemanly but usual; and to be called a "rummy old passenger" was under the circumstances an irritating thing. ”

“ It did not take me very long to fall in love with her, but a long time passed before I could make up my mind to do more than nod to her every morning, when the old woman moved me from my bed to the sofa at the window, and again in the evening, when the little maid left the balcony for that day. One day, however, when I saw her reflection looking at mine, I nodded to her, and threw a flower into the canal. ”

“ What are we to do? Poor Mr. Pintle! Such a fine old gentleman, and ten years more life you could have declared to; the picture of health he always was. Poor Mr. Pintle!”
And Johnny Pounce wrapped himself in a great-coat and shawl, and hurried through the driving snow across Lincoln's Inn Fields to Carey Street.
The visitors (for they were two) who had so unceremoniously disturbed Johnny's party were waiting for him in a hansom at the office door. ”

“ Mary was the Queen of the Fairies. I make Mary the Queen, because I like the name "Mary" better than any other name I know. People are made kings and queens on earth for no better reasons, and many of them turn out fairly well. The conversation turned on the wickedness of the world. Kate had once been a mortal, but she died, and on account of her surpassing purity was translated to Fairyland. She was the only mortal who had ever been so distinguished. ”

“ She's stuck to me through thick and thin, for I've had a hardish time of it, take one thing with another, and here I am thrown high and dry beyond the reach, as I humbly believe, of poverty, with my boy here—look up, young John—with my boy here a-serving the Queen; (John, my boy, fill up) —a-serving the Queen, God bless her, and doing more to make his old dad's heart happy, by doing that for ninety pound a year than if he was managing a bank with five hundred. Gentlemen, this is all Pintle and Sim, and what I say is, Here's the health of Pintle and Sim, and God bless 'em. The Firm, gentlemen. ”

“ Foggerty, that your career has been a very discreditable one,” said the fairy, when Mr. Foggerty had finished.
“I'm not proud of it, miss. I've done many things in my time that I've had reason to regret. There are many incidents in my career that I'd give anything to blot out.”
“Oh, indeed,” said the fairy. “Now I think I can help you to do that. First of all, how many ornaments are there on that twelfth-cake?”
“Three large ones,” said Freddy; "a Ship, a Harlequin, and a Policeman, besides crackers and other unimportant trifles.” ”

“ A STAGE PLAY.
Most men, whatever their occupation may be, are accustomed to study man exclusively from their own point of view. A man who passes his life behind a tavern bar is apt to divide the human race into those who habitually refresh themselves in public-houses, and those who do not. A policeman classes society under two great heads—prosecutors and prisoners. In a footman's eyes, his fellow-men are either visitors or servants; in an author's, they are publishers or reviewers. Now, it is conceivable that a man may be at once a prosecutor, a visitor, and a publisher ”

“ But you have not been so fortunate as to have your play produced at one of these well-regulated establishments. You have had the misfortune to fall into the hands of a manager who is no manager, and of a company who, whatever their histrionic skill may be, are wholly disentitled, by lack of taste and discretion, to such latitude as the most experienced author would gladly concede to an actor who has reasonable claims to rank as an artist. ”

“ So as Johnny Pounce he grew up, as Johnny Pounce he fought the battle of life, in a timidly courageous sort of way, like the comic soldier in the Battle of Waterloo, who is such a terrible coward until the necessity arises of engaging six or eight cuirassiers at once. ”

“ Allow me to present you with this guinea, which I have no doubt will enable you to reach your destination."
"You are an impertinent old scamp to dare to offer me money," said the Old Lady; "and, as a punishment, you will be good enough to offer guineas out of that bag to everyone you meet, until further notice."
And the wretched miser retreated in great amazement to the smoking-room (which he knew was empty) , offering guineas right and left to imaginary applicants, and screaming downstairs to Mistress Dorothy in the bar-parlour, that he had altogether failed in his mission. ”

“ So he became a hanger-on to the office in which he had temporarily served, and picked up occasional coppers as a kind of out-door message carrier.
"Why you look out of sorts; had your dinner, Shab?" asked the clerk.
"No, sir, no—not yet."
"Thought not; you look hungry. Here's sixpence for you—no I haven't got it."
"Looks hungry," thought young John, "by Jove, he is hungry too. Here, my man," added he aloud, "here's a shilling for you, and in God's name get something to eat."
A clerk from another room burst into the office. ”

“ The truth is that Shakespeare is not light reading. But an absolute ignorance of the works of Shakespeare is most properly held to be disgraceful, and so when it comes to pass that a play of Shakespeare is adequately presented people rush to see it in order to familiarize themselves, in the readiest and easiest and most agreeable way, with works with which it is considered—and most rightly—that all Englishmen should be familiar. ”

“ Enter Hamlet and Players.
⁠Ham. Good morrow, sir. This is our company of players. They have come to town to do honour and add completeness to our revels.
⁠Cl. Good sirs, we welcome you to Elsinore.
Prepare you now—we are agog to taste
The intellectual treat in store for us.
⁠Ham. We are ready, sir. But before we begin, I would speak a word to you who are to play this piece. I have chosen this play in the face of sturdy opposition from my well-esteemed friends, who were for playing a piece with less bombastick fury and more frolick. ”

“ Bah! Bagman good as anybody else! Never be ashamed—look at me! Me not blush at myself. What you say I am?—eh? You not guess. Duchess? No! Countess? No! Lady of large property—wife of Liverpool merchant? Devil a bit! Missionary woman? No! Tight-rope dancer? No! Stewardess on West Indiaman spending pay? Yes—Hullo! What's that?"
I did not know what it was, but there was a sudden snap and our carriage suddenly slackened speed, and eventually stopped. I put my head out of the window. The coupling had broken, and our carriage and the guard's van had been separated from the rest of the train. ”

“ It is absolutely necessary that every actor should have the context of his scenes before his eyes as he studies them. He also says (does Facile) that it is a monstrous shame and an unheard-of injustice to place three-act pieces on the stage with fewer than thirty rehearsals, in ten of which the scenes should be set as they will be set at night, and in five of which every soul engaged should be dressed and made up as they will be dressed and made up at night. ”

“ We start for Chester to-day—we used to have friends there, who may still remember us, and place us in the way of earning a respectable living; God only knows what is to become of us should they fail. Forgive me, dear Mr. Maxwell, for taking this course without consulting you or Mr. Bailey. After your exceeding kindness to me and mine, I am afraid that you will think I am acting most ungratefully in thus leaving London without speaking to you on the subject. ”

“ Time went by, and as the little maid grew up, her reflection grew down, and at last she was quite a little woman of, I suppose, sixteen or seventeen. I can only work for a couple of hours or so in the brightest part of the day, so I had plenty of time on my hands in which to watch her movements, and sufficient imagination to weave a little romance about her, and to endow her with a beauty which, to a great extent, I had to take for granted. ”