Bernard Shaw

“ LORD SUMMERHAYS. The danger of public business is that it never ends. A man may kill himself at it. JOHNNY. Or he can spend more on it than it brings him in: thats how I look at it. What I say is that everybody's business is nobody's business. I hope I'm not a hard man, nor a narrow man, nor unwilling to pay reasonable taxes, and subscribe in reason to deserving charities, and even serve on a jury in my turn; and no man can say I ever refused to help a friend out of a difficulty when he was worth helping. ”

“ You can have Johnny. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Thank you. Ive lived so long in a country where a man may have fifty sons, who are no more to him than a regiment of soldiers, that I'm afraid Ive lost the English feeling about it. TARLETON. [restless again] You mean Jinghiskahn. Ah yes. Good thing the empire. Educates us. Opens our minds. Knocks the Bible out of us. And civilizes the other chaps. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Yes: it civilizes them. And it uncivilizes us. Their gain. Our loss, Tarleton, believe me, our loss. TARLETON. Well, why not? Averages out the human race. Makes the nigger half an Englishman. ”

“ Lord Summerhays: I ask you to excuse me for a few moments. There are times when a man needs to meditate in solitude on his destiny. A chord is touched; and he sees the drama of his life as a spectator sees a play. Laugh if you feel inclined: no man sees the comic side of it more than I. In the theatre of life everyone may be amused except the actor. ”

“ You are not in your first youth. TARLETON. No matter. Theres magic in the night When the heart is young. My heart is young. Besides, I'm a married man, not a widower like you. A married man can do anything he likes if his wife dont mind. A widower cant be too careful. Not that I would have you think me an unprincipled man or a bad husband. I'm not. But Ive a superabundance of vitality. Read Pepys' Diary. LORD SUMMERHAYS. The woman is your guest, Tarleton. TARLETON. Well, is she? A woman I bring into my house is my guest. A woman you bring into my house is my guest. ”

“ Why should a woman allow Nature to put a false mask of age on her when she knows that shes as young as ever? Why should she look in the glass and see a wrinkled lie when a touch of fine art will shew her a glorious truth? The wrinkles are a dodge to repel young men. Suppose she doesnt want to repel young men! Suppose she likes them! MRS TARLETON. Bunny: take Hypatia out into the grounds for a walk: theres a good boy. John has got one of his naughty fits this evening. HYPATIA. Oh, never mind me. I'm used to him. BENTLEY. I'm not. ”

“ TARLETON. When I married Patsy's mother, I was in love with her. PERCIVAL. For the first time? TARLETON. Yes: for the first time. PERCIVAL. For the last time? LORD SUMMERHAYS. [revolted] Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. HYPATIA. Oh, dont mind me. I dont care. I'm accustomed to Papa's adventures. TARLETON. [blushing painfully] Patsy, my child: that was not—not delicate. HYPATIA. Well, papa, youve never shewn any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really dont see why I shouldnt talk to you about yours. It's such nonsense! Do you think young people dont know? ”

“ Joey: have you taken Hypatia away from me? LORD SUMMERHAYS. [severely] Bentley! Bentley! Control yourself, sir. TARLETON. Come, Mr Percival! the shutters are up on the gentlemanly business. Try the truth. PERCIVAL. I am in a wretched position. If I tell the truth nobody will believe me. TARLETON. Oh yes they will. The truth makes everybody believe it. PERCIVAL. It also makes everybody pretend not to believe it. Mrs Tarleton: youre not playing the game. MRS TARLETON. I dont think youve behaved at all nicely, Mr Percival. BENTLEY. I wouldnt have played you such a dirty trick, Joey. ”

“ Johnny Tarleton, an ordinary young business man of thirty or less, is taking his weekly Friday to Tuesday in the house of his father, John Tarleton, who has made a great deal of money out of Tarleton's Underwear. The house is in Surrey, on the slope of Hindhead; and Johnny, reclining, novel in hand, in a swinging chair with a little awning above it, is enshrined in a spacious half hemisphere of glass which forms a pavilion commanding the garden, and, beyond it, a barren but lovely landscape of hill profile with fir trees, commons of bracken and gorse, and wonderful cloud pictures. ”

“ LORD SUMMERHAYS. It requires some natural talent, which can no doubt be cultivated. It's not really easy to be anything out of the common. HYPATIA. Anyhow, I mean to make a fight for living. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Living your own life, I believe the Suffragist phrase is. HYPATIA. Living any life. Living, instead of withering without even a gardener to snip you off when youre rotten. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Ive lived an active life; but Ive withered all the same. HYPATIA. No: youve worn out: thats quite different. And youve some life in you yet or you wouldnt have fallen in love with me. ”

“ All the pictures are about love-making. The eyes of all of you are sheep's eyes. You are steeped in it, soaked in it: the very texts on the walls of your bedrooms are the ones about love. It is disgusting. It is not healthy. Your women are kept idle and dressed up for no other purpose than to be made love to. I have not been here an hour; and already everybody makes love to me as if because I am a woman it were my profession to be made love to. First you, old pal. I forgave you because you were nice about your wife. HYPATIA. Oh! oh! oh! Oh, papa! LINA. Then you, Lord Summerhays, come to me ”

“ TARLETON. All right, Chickabiddy: it's not bad language: it's only Socialism. MRS TARLETON. Well, I wont have any Socialism in my house. TARLETON. [to Gunner] You hear what Mrs Tarleton says. Well, in this house everybody does what she says or out they go. GUNNER. Do you suppose I want to stay? Do you think I would breathe this polluted atmosphere a moment longer than I could help? BENTLEY. [running forward between Lina and Gunner] But what did you mean by what you said about Miss Tarleton and Mr Percival, you beastly rotter, you? GUNNER. [to Tarleton] Oh! is Hypatia your daughter? ”

“ LORD SUMMERHAYS. Giving the show away is a method like any other method. Keeping it to yourself is only another method. I should keep an open mind about it. JOHNNY. Has it ever occurred to you that a man with an open mind must be a bit of a scoundrel? If you ask me, I like a man who makes up his mind once for all as to whats right and whats wrong and then sticks to it. At all events you know where to have him. LORD SUMMERHAYS. That may not be his object. BENTLEY. He may want to have you, old chap. JOHNNY. Well, let him. ”

“ LORD SUMMERHAYS. Shew me what? HYPATIA. Girls withering into ladies. Ladies withering into old maids. Nursing old women. Running errands for old men. Good for nothing else at last. Oh, you cant imagine the fiendish selfishness of the old people and the maudlin sacrifice of the young. It's more unbearable than any poverty: more horrible than any regular-right-down wickedness. ”

“ If every man who dislikes me is to throw a handful of mud in my face, and every woman who likes me is to behave like Potiphar's wife, then I shall be a slave: the slave of uncertainty: the slave of fear: the worst of all slaveries. How would you like it if every laborer you met in the road were to make love to you? ”

“ MRS TARLETON. But you cant eat billiard balls, child! TARLETON. Get em, Chickabiddy. I understand. [He imitates a juggler tossing up balls] . Eh? LINA. [going to him, past his wife] Just so. TARLETON. Billiard balls and cues. Plates, knives, and forks. Two paraffin lamps and a hatstand. LINA. No: that is popular low-class business. In our family we touch nothing but classical work. Anybody can do lamps and hatstands. I can do silver bullets. That is really hard. [She passes on to Lord Summerhays, and looks gravely down at him as he sits by the writing table] . ”

“ You neednt be afraid of the aristocracy, dear: theyre only human creatures like ourselves after all; and youll hold your own with them easy enough. HYPATIA. Oh, I'm not a bit afraid of them, I assure you. MRS TARLETON. Well, no, not afraid of them, exactly; but youve got to pick up their ways. You know, dear, I never quite agreed with your father's notion of keeping clear of them, and sending you to a school that was so expensive that they couldnt afford to send their daughters there; so that all the girls belonged to big business families like ourselves. ”

“ Lord Summerhays smiles; bows; and goes out through the vestibule door, followed by Johnny. Mrs Tarleton sits down at the worktable and takes out her darning materials and one of her husband's socks. Hypatia is at the other side of the table, on her mother's right. They chat as they work. HYPATIA. I wonder whether they laugh at us when they are by themselves! MRS TARLETON. Who? HYPATIA. Bentley and his father and all the toffs in their set. MRS TARLETON. Oh, thats only their way. I used to think that the aristocracy were a nasty sneering lot, and that they were laughing at me and John. ”

“ What a pity young Bentley is not a painter! Tarleton meditating on his destiny. Not in a toga. Not in the trappings of the tragedian or the philosopher. In plain coat and trousers: a man like any other man. And beneath that coat and trousers a human soul. Tarleton's Underwear! [He goes out gravely into the vestibule] . MRS TARLETON. [fondly] I suppose it's a wife's partiality, Lord Summerhays; but I do think John is really great. I'm sure he was meant to be a king. My father looked down on John, because he was a rate collector, and John kept a shop. ”

“ We arranged it all: he and I. We got Papa and Mamma and Johnny out of the way splendidly; and then Bentley took himself off, and left us—you and me!—to take a walk through the heather and admire the scenery of Hindhead. You never dreamt that it was all a plan: that what made me so nice was the way I was playing up to my destiny as the sweet girl that was to make your boy happy. And then! and then! [She rises to dance and clap her hands in her glee] . LORD SUMMERHAYS. [shuddering] Stop, stop. Can no woman understand a man's delicacy? ”

“ I talked like a duchess; and if Johnny or Hypatia let slip a word that was like old times, I was down on them like anything. And now I'm beginning to do it myself at every turn. LORD SUMMERHAYS. There comes a time when all that seems to matter so little. Even queens drop the mask when they reach our time of life. MRS TARLETON. Let you alone for giving a thing a pretty turn! Youre a humbug, you know, Lord Summerhays. John doesnt know it; and Johnny doesnt know it ”

“ An open mind is all very well in clever talky-talky; but in conduct and in business give me solid ground. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Yes: the quicksands make life difficult. Still, there they are. It's no use pretending theyre rocks. JOHNNY. I dont know. You can draw a line and make other chaps toe it. Thats what I call morality. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Very true. But you dont make any progress when youre toeing a line. HYPATIA. [suddenly, as if she could bear no more of it] Bentley: do go and play tennis with Johnny. You must take exercise. LORD SUMMERHAYS. Do, my boy, do. ”

“ TARLETON. Theres a trapeze and bars and things in the billiard room. LINA. Come. You need a few exercises. I'll teach you how to stop crying. [She takes his arm and leads him off into the vestibule] . A young man, cheaply dressed and strange in manner, appears in the garden; steals to the pavilion door; and looks in. Seeing that there is nobody, he enters cautiously until he has come far enough to see into the hatstand corner. He draws a revolver, and examines it, apparently to make sure that it is loaded. Then his attention is caught by the Turkish bath. ”

“ HYPATIA. I think Mr Percival is most ungentlemanly; but I wont be protected. I'll not have my affairs interfered with by men on pretence of protecting me. I'm not your baby. If I interfered between you and a woman, you would soon tell me to mind my own business. TARLETON. Children: dont squabble. Read Dr Watts. Behave yourselves. JOHNNY. Ive nothing more to say; and as I dont seem to be wanted here, I shall take myself off. [He goes out with affected calm through the pavilion] . TARLETON. Summerhays: a family is an awful thing, an impossible thing. Cat and dog. Patsy: I'm ashamed of you. ”

“ I am a woman of the world: I have thousands of friends: every night crowds of people applaud me, delight in me, buy my picture, pay hard-earned money to see me. I am strong: I am skilful: I am brave: I am independent: I am unbought: I am all that a woman ought to be ”

“ HYPATIA. Another talker! Men like conventions because men made them. I didnt make them: I dont like them: I wont keep them. Now, what will you do? PERCIVAL. Bolt. [He runs out through the pavilion] . HYPATIA. I'll catch you. [She dashes off in pursuit] . During this conversation the head of the scandalized man in the Turkish bath has repeatedly risen from the lunette, with a strong expression of moral shock. It vanishes abruptly as the two turn towards it in their flight. At the same moment Tarleton comes back through the vestibule door, exhausted by severe and unaccustomed exercise. ”

“ Well, youve come to the wrong shop for it: youll get no justice here: we dont keep it. Human nature is what we stock. THE MAN. Human nature! Debauchery! gluttony! selfishness! robbery of the poor! Is that what you call human nature? TARLETON. No: thats what you call it. Come, my lad! Whats the matter with you? You dont look starved; and youve a decent suit of clothes. THE MAN. Forty-two shillings. TARLETON. They can do you a very decent suit for forty-two shillings. ”