F. Colburn Adams

“ Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on how you can best serve them. ”

“ The confused figures of men who had stood contemplating here and there about the square, now rushed down the lane, and soon came in hearing of moans and lamentations, which grew louder and louder, as of one in great distress. "Oh! unworthy sinner that I am, let every man exert himself to remedy this misfortune!" a stifled voice was heard to cry out, as a crowd, having gathered round a pit, where some workmen had been digging for a well, discovered no less a person at the bottom, half buried in sand and water, than Major Roger Potter. ”

“ And, dear Polly, I have now a better chance than ever, having fallen in with a great politician in search of fame. By joining our fortunes I will so manage it as to get the better of my enemies; and with a little aid from my friends of the newspapers, you will yet see me in power. I am a man of valor, I mix but little honey with my brimstone; and let my enemies say what they will, take my word for it, you shall yet see yourself the wife of a foreign minister. ”

“ Now and then he gathers his stray effusions together, and gives them to the forgiving world in a book that sends a titillation of joy to the hearts of his numerous admirers, and also sets every fashionable critic to praising it as the most wonderful work of the age; for unlike the wise critic, the fashionable critic eschews envy, and invariably puffs the bantlings of his fellows. In fine, the fashionable critic is always tied to some lady friend, who has written a book he is about to notice in Putnam, a journal he has nearly choked to death with his great learning. ”

“ I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he ever betrayed his trust; no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he cannot twist the government round his thumbs; and no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he artfully connived at doing wrong; for he knows his thread of life has not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a man has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, not one has yet been found to raise his finger against my honor ”

“ I had well nigh dispatched my breakfast, when there arose a loud noise, as of voices in dispute, in the bar-room. Bessie began to tremble from head to foot, and to turn pale. "You must give up the pig, or stand the chances-now mind that!" said a voice which I at once recognized as that of the renowned Major Potter.
"Heaven knows I am a man of peace; but you must make good the loss I have suffered. All this trouble and mischief is done by the audacious brute you have brought into the town. You go out for good, and always come home bringing the town trouble. ”

“ In truth, I felt my poverty pinching, and I was hungry."
"Two human ills no amount of courage can overcome," rejoined the general, with a patronizing bow.
"It was midnight when I fell asleep, having quenched my thirst, at the spring; but the thought of home seriously disturbed my slumbers. However, as morning advanced, I got into a deep sleep, from which I awoke when the sun was up; and hearing the voice of Angelio, which floated soft and sweetly through the grove, as she sang a plaintive song, I fancied myself transported into a fairy land. ”

“ But if you knew what a miserable thing it is to be a critic, you would, I knew, say a man had better follow the devil with a fife and drum than depend on the tricks of booksellers for his bread, which is come the fashion with critics at this day."
"Upon my soul, Mr. Tickler," replied the major, rising to his feet, as sound a man as ever was seen, "I reverence you for your good sense. The truth is, I hold it none the worse of a man that he have not his mouth full of Latin every minute in the day. And as my wife Polly knows, I have languages enough at my tongue's end ”

“ Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. ”

“ I have already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."
"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of being a Secretary. ”

“ But I venture to assert, that never until the history of General Roger Sherman Potter was given to the world, could there be found any record of a great monarch who had ruled supreme over a kingdom, won battles such as mankind never had dreamed of, and indeed gained so much glory that every general in the nation was envious of it, escaping, on a mule, from the country he had conquered, and leaving his army to the devil and the enemy. ”

“ Indeed, madam, I have, while in Mexico, led various forlorn hopes, charged the enemy's lines, and looked a shower of bullets in the teeth without winking; and all these dangers I would repeat a dozen times rather than face the fire of your beauty, to which every hero, however great, must surrender himself a captive."
"What you say of my beauty, I might say of your valor, than which there is to woman no stronger object of admiration. To pay homage to valor is womanly on the part of our sex. ”

“ Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world. ”

“ Again he shook my hand fervently, as a pleasing delirium seemed to have seized upon his senses. "Accidents are sometimes equal to conquests," he continued. "Know, then, that you confront Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter. Like a titillation of the fancy, I have been thrown up and down by the tide of political fortune and misfortune until I became sickened of it, and resolved to seek obscurity, and live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and such wares as the good people of this remote part of the world might have a demand for. ”

“ Society bowed to a general; the people were charmed by a general; a general was every thing to a Young American Banking House like that of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter. No matter how visionary your scheme, you had only to tie a general to it, and success was certain. If you could buy up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then the general would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was the custom of the day, to praise every scheme they were engaged in. ”

“ My love for truth in all matters of history constrains me to say, that these reporters made a great mistake, since nothing could have been more simple, and yet in keeping with true greatness, than the major's reception at the hotel, and this for the very reason that he had outdistanced the rabble. My declining years and gray hairs forbid me envying any man his laurels, but I will not degrade a noble profession by making myself the vassal of every great man who sets foot on these shores. ”

“ Suddenly a great noise was heard in the distance, and the rotund figure of the major, mounted upon old Battle, and dressed in a slouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, made his appearance, followed by a mob of boys, hooting and shouting at the very top of their voices. The animal, not at all disturbed by the singular character of the ovation, moved forward at a methodical pace, whilst the major, judging from his extreme good humor, was not a little delighted at the honors he imagined were being showered upon him. ”

“ Let your insanity for writing books not beguile you into crime; and above all, I would enjoin you, my son, never to write the 'Life and Character' of an in-going President, for then, to follow the fashion of the day, and make for him a life that would apply with equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sable subjects, will be necessary that you write him down the hero of adventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score of delinquincies his real life is blemished with. ”

“ And as his coat was threadbare, and his hair short cropped, many thought him a man who could better maintain his dignity at a distance, though heaven might send him fortune and earth give him bounties. But as neither the man of commerce nor the man of letters were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, who found his reward in buffets and hardships, and frequently wore the tattered garments in which he had gained his laurels, it was not to be expected that his preeminence would be recognized at first sight by any but his companions in arms. ”

“ Having served his master this shabby trick, old Battle took to his heels, and dashing down the enemy's lines, sent such a thrill of terror to the hearts of the superstitious Kaloramas as made them scamper for dear life. In truth they fancied him the pale horse of the devil, so often described to them by the priests. Dashing onward with increased speed and wildness, the bewildered animal ran with great force upon the King's mule, prostrating animal and rider dead upon the ground, and, in sorrow and tears do I record it, breaking his own neck. ”

“ And now that I am more a man of acts than words, as no doubt you have read, let me say that I accept this great honor, the sincerity of which is evident in the earnestness with which you offer it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your great metropolis may grow greater and be all you expect of it; and like a chaste and virtuous woman, do you see to her, that she be not exposed to the designs of demagogues, and that her virtues creep along with her fair fame. ”

“ Being a friend and fellow fortune seeker, I need have no scruple in saying to you, that I have always held it an axiom, that all great men husband their valor well, and never use it except with great discretion. In truth, and as I hope to honor the profession to which I belong, it was the exercise of that worthy discretion God implanted in my heart that saved me from two duels, the consequences of which might have been very bloody. ”

“ The major bowed and spread his hands, in the left of which he held the engrossing emblem of his dignity, his three cornered hat.
"Gentlemen!" said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, "I thank you for this great honor, which I may or may not have merited. You know it does not say much for a man that he speaks of himself; but this I will say, that the man who serves his country for his country is the man for me. If you, being people of high quality and much respect, (I never judge men from what they seem on the outside, not I!) ”

“ In addressing the great and the good-the hero who has fought his country's battles, and the statesman who has carried her safely through impending dangers, our emotions too frequently carry away our power to render due homage. Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for this feeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a statesman and patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well known and appreciated among us. ”

“ He cast a wild and confused look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. ”

“ And therefore I say to you, for I hold it an honor and no disgrace to be a politician, that if you will hear patiently the cause of my dispute with this parson, I will accept your decision in the matter as final. But, heaven save the mark! use your judgment a little, sir, and be not like some of our judges, who seek to please those who promise most, and having little virtue, ask you to accept their good advice in excuse for their evil example. ”

“ I am ready to write your excellency speeches by the dozen, with the quality to your mind; but as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that if you but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I can employ the time much more to my liking; for several comely damsels, with rich olive complexions, have already sang to me, and, as your excellency knows, I am a critic of tender parts."
"I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil from your elbow and you will soon forget the songs of these damsels. If they throw a sly wink or two, turn your back and walk away. ”

“ He therefore got quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gown of a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reaching the high-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full speed toward Jolliffee, confident that he would overtake or get some tidings of his straying army on the road. When he had got some three miles over the road, he turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, and said: "To the devil with you, Mister Priests, for General Potter owes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. See what it is to leave until morning a job you should have done at night!" ”

“ As to the moral of the representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice is better shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement of the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. ”

“ It makes no difference; for I hold it just as well that a man inherit the characteristics of a great man from a similarity of name and profession as by having the same blood in his veins. I hold to this philosophy, which I find squares with that accepted by most of our great politicians at this day. On my reputation as a military man, sir, I came to respect these principles from first hearing them advanced by General Cheves McDuffy Quattlebum, while in the Mexican War, which I had the honor to fight in. ”

“ O, Charles!"
"Please, my good woman," spoke the major, pausing, and looking surprised at the strange object he fancied in his bed, "you might find better business than this. You must know, I am a man of family, and have a wife, which is enough for any honest man. So if you will just take yourself away like an honest woman, as I would have every one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have heard of these tricks, and am not ready to be robbed of my character." ”