Hans Jakob Christoph von Grimmelshausen

“ HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS BECAME A NOBLEMAN
When a thing is to be, all things shape themselves to that end. Now did I conceive that fortune had taken me to husband, or at least bound herself so close to me that the most contrary happenings must turn out to my profit: as when I learned at the commandant's table that my servant with my two fine horses had come from Soest. But I knew not (what at last I found) that tricky Fortune hath the sirens' art, who do shew themselves kindest to those to whom they wish most harm, and so doth raise a man the higher but for this end: to cast him down the deeper. ”

“ I thought, "Simplicissimus, thou art now alone, and so 'twas to be expected that the evil one should endeavour to torment thee. Didst not look that that malicious spirit would make thy life hard for thee? Yet why take count of him, when thou hast God to thy friend? Thou needest but somewhat wherein to exercise thyself; else wilt thou come to thy ruin from mere idleness and superfluity; for besides him thou hast no enemy but thine own self and the plenty and pleasaunce of this island; therefore make thy resolve to strive against him who in his own conceit is the strongest of all. ”

“ For I will send such a hero that he shall have need of no soldiers and yet shall reform the whole world; at his birth I will grant to him a body well formed and stronger than had ever Hercules, adorned to the full with princeliness, wisdom, and understanding: to this shall Venus add so comely a face that he shall excel Narcissus, Adonis, and even my Ganymede: and she shall grant to him, besides his other fine parts, dignity, charm, and presence excelling all, and so make him beloved by all the world, for which cause I will look more kindly upon it in the hour of his birth. ”

“ This restless life was not to my liking, and often I did wish myself back in Hanau, yet in vain: my greatest torment was that I could not talk with the men, and must suffer myself to be kicked, plagued, beaten, and driven by each and all: and the chiefest pastime that my colonel had was that I should sing to him in German, and puff my cheeks like the other stable-lads, which 'tis true happened but seldom, yet then I got me such a shower of buffets that the red blood flowed, and I soon had enough. ”

“ But hardly had I drawn nigh when the evil spirit cried out of the poor man, "Oho! rascal, doth ill-luck send thee hither? I did think to find thee with Oliver in our hellish abode when I should return, and now I see thou art to be found here. Thou adulterous, murderous whoremonger, canst thou think to escape us? O ye priests, have naught to do with him: he is a worse hypocrite and liar than I: he doth but mock and make a jest of God and religion." Thereupon the exorcist commanded the spirit to be silent, for none would believe him as being an arch-liar. ”

“ Yet I found comfort in my stone that I had brought with me from the very bowels of the earth. "Patience, patience!" said I to myself: "this will again repay thee for all sufferings undergone. All good things take time, and fine rewards be not won without great toil and labour: else would every fool need but to wipe his beard to get possession at will of even such a noble spring as thou hast in thy poke." ”

“ Couldst thou not, unwise creature, understand before this, that thy ever-blessed teacher would never have left the world for that hard life which he led in the desert, if he had hoped to find in the world true peace, and real rest, and eternal salvation? O poor Simplicissimus, go thy way and receive the reward of the idle thoughts thou hast cherished and thy presumptuous folly. Thou hast no wrong to complain of, neither any innocence to comfort thee with, for thou hast hastened to meet thine own torment and the death to follow thereafter. ”

“ The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul's happiness and the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next world. ”

“ Yet I stopped not here, but decked out my best horse, which Jump-i'-th'-field had gotten from the Hessian captain, with saddle, bridle, and arms in such fashion that when I was mounted one might well have taken me for another St. George. And nothing grieved me more than to know I was no nobleman, and so could not clothe my servant and my horse-boys in my livery. Yet, I thought, all things have their beginning; if thou hast a coat-of-arms then canst thou have thine own livery; and when thou art an ensign, thou must have a signet-ring, though thou art no nobleman. ”

“ So when evening was come there was a gathering both of soldiers of fortune and cavaliers of birth at the cornet's quarters, who sent for me and the corporal: and there was I, to speak the truth, extraordinary courteously entreated by them. I made merry as if I had lost nothing, and carried myself as confidently and open-hearted as I had been no prisoner in the hands of my enemy but among my best friends. Yet I shewed myself as modest as might be; for I could well imagine that my behaviour would be noted to the commandant, which was so, as I afterwards learned. ”

“ At the last I began to hope for better things and besought God's goodness to help me forth from this plight, and being in so pious a mood I said to myself, "Thou fool, thou art neither imprisoned nor fettered: the whole wide world stands open before thee: hast thou not horses enough to take to flight? or, if thou wilt not ride, yet are thy feet swift enough to save thee." ”

“ So hardly was I warm at home when he said to me, 'Hearken, Oliver, I do see thine asses' ears a-growing fast: thou beest a useless cumberer of the ground, a rogue that will never be worth aught: to learn a trade art thou too old: to serve a lord thou art too insolent, and to understand and follow my profession thou art but useless. Alas, what have I accomplished with all the cost that I have spent on thee? For I did hope to have my joy in thee and to make of thee a man: and now must I buy thee out of the hangman's hand. ”

“ But when hast thou ever seen a person of quality punished by justice for that he has oppressed his people too much? Yea, and more than that, when is the usurer punished, that yet doth pursue this noble trade in secret, and that too under the cloak of Christian love? Why, then, should I be punishable, I that practise it openly without concealment or hypocrisy? My good Simplicissimus, thou hast never read thy Machiavel. I am a man of honest mood, and do follow this manner of life openly and without shame. ”

“ Meanwhile my comrade on the roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of wolves were there. ”

“ Yet was I a fine performer on the bagpipe, whereon I could produce most dolorous strains. But as to knowledge of things divine, none shall ever persuade me that any lad of my age in all Christendom could there beat me, for I knew nought of God or man, of Heaven or hell, of angel or devil, nor could discern between good and evil. So may it be easily understood that I, with such knowledge of theology, lived like our first parents in Paradise, which in their innocence knew nought of sickness or death or dying, and still less of the Resurrection. ”

“ H. God help us! Knowest thou naught of our Blessed Lord God?
S. Yea, yea: 'tis he that stood by our chamber-door; my mammy brought him home from the church feast and stuck him up there.
H. O Gracious God, now for the first time do I perceive what a great favour and benefit it is when Thou impartest knowledge of Thyself, and how naught a man is to whom Thou givest it not! O Lord, vouchsafe to me so to honour Thy holy name that I be worthy to be as zealous in my thanks for this great grace as Thou hast been liberal in the granting of it. ”

“ Now I had already taught my comrade what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for farmers do not often have their houses decorated.
The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught of beer. ”

“ So we rose up and came to the gaming-place, where men tilt with the dice, and loudly they cursed with all the blood and thunder, wounds and damnation that they could lay their tongues to. The place was wellnigh as big as the Old Market at Cologne, spread with cloaks and furnished with tables, and those full of gamesters: and every company had its four-cornered thieves' bones, on which they hazarded their luck; for share their money they must, and give it to one and take it from another. ”

“ So Jupiter answered, "Thou speakest of the matter like a mere man, as if thou didst not know that 'tis possible for us gods so to manage things that only the wicked shall be punished and the good saved: I will raise up a German hero that shall accomplish all with the edge of the sword; he shall destroy all evil men and preserve and exalt the righteous." "Yea," said I, "but such a hero must needs have soldiers, and where soldiers are there is war, and where war is there must the innocent suffer as well as the guilty." ”

“ But the shot harmed the provost as little as if it had struck an anvil. So "Beest thou of that kidney," said Herzbruder, "yet I will not have come to do thee a courtesy in vain: die thou must even if thy soul were grown into thy body." And with that he compelled a musqueteer of the provost's own guard, if he would himself have quarter, to cut him down with an axe. ”

“ So I answered, "Yea, but put the case, brother, that thou art not caught, which is yet but unlikely, since the pitcher that goes often to the well must break at last, yet is such a life as thou leadest the most shameful in the world, so that I scarce can believe thou canst desire to die in it."
"What?" says he, "the most shameful? My brave Simplicissimus, I assure thee that robbery is the most noble exercise that one in these days can find in the world. Tell me how many kingdoms and principalities be there that have not been stolen by violence and so taken. ”

“ I would rather have a master in whose service the horses should tend me: but seeing that I can find none such, I will sooner remain a soldier." "Thy beard," says he, "is yet too small." "No, no," said I, "I will wager I can encounter any man of eighty years: a beard never yet killed a man, or goats would be in high esteem." "Oho!" says he, "if thy courage be as high as thy wit, I will let thee pass for a soldier." ”

“ And as it was our intent to be right merry with each other, we turned in to the best inn, and had minstrels sent for, to play our wine and beer down our throat. So we fell to drinking and roaring; and no sport was wanting, which could make the money fly: nay, I invited also lads from other regiments to be my guests, and so carried myself as a young prince who has command of land and folk and great sums to spend by the year. And thus we fared better than was pleasing to a company of troopers who sat there also at table, but with no such mad tricks as we. ”

“ Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists. ”

“ I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? ”