Irwin Leslie Gordon

“ Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters. Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal. [Pg 110]
WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:
Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score 100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was steady before they shuffled. ”

“ Ham gave me subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor. He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular Christmas presents.
When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh! yes, I did not get my egg today. ”

“ These have been 500 long, long years. That’s quite a while to live with one woman. It’s our radium anniversary. Did not receive any presents.—By this time I know all her faults. My, I’ve learned a lot in these years. I’ve found that Mrs. Noah never makes a mistake, that I am always wrong, and that everything has always been my fault. It’s funny how these women have their own way. Grandpa used to say it was just the same when he was young.—Just to think—everybody who attended our wedding—preacher and all—have passed away.
Mrs. Noah dressed in her wedding gown tonight. ”

“ Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book. They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of noise at night. ”

“ Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are getting thin.—Seven more kittens today.
[Pg 74] THURSDAY.
Remarks:
One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little, seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish. ”

“ Ham caught her dress in it. Poor Ham got an awful lecture. She complained to the captain, but I beat it to the bridge. Some women are so funny.—The moon came up tonight. All the young married people are out on deck spooning. It’s a peculiar thing how the moon and steamers affect some people. I can hear Mrs. Noah snoring now. A few hundred years ago we also used to be sentimental.—Put up the awnings today.—Walked around the deck 24 times after supper.—Wish there were some nice old school teachers aboard. ”

“ We reached the spot in the ocean where we captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s a cartoon of me in today’s Diluvian Times. ”

“ Ham’s cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper. [Pg 99]
SATURDAY.
Remarks:
Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’s Diluvian Times. I laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance. They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. ”

“ She told him grandpa Adam often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light down there.
[Pg 82] WEDNESDAY.
Remarks:
Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says I am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is really working.—A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway, they are more practical than kittens. ”

“ Noah brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost.
[Pg 60] FRIDAY.
Remarks:
We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem, and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough dancer. ”

“ Rain half over.—Camels took a drink today. First time since the tenth. I’d hate to be a camel.—I won the pool on the ship’s run.—We have to watch the flies all the time to keep them away from the fly-paper.—Shem complains that the lions eat too much meat. Meat is expensive these days. ”

“ Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is miserable. ”

“ What the Medes and Persians say about trouble coming in bunches is true. Now, the heating apparatus won’t work. Nothing like that ever happened when we were down south. At 2.20 the hippo began shivering. At 2.30 the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking. At 3.00 the elephants shivered. At 4.00 the bothriospondylus madagascariensis began shaking. At 4.15 the Ark shook.—We drove the birds to the boiler room, and put the butterflies into the thermo bottle.—Surely poor Job won’t have more troubles than poor me. ”

“ Just to think what a big trust their descendants will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake. Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River. Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. ”

“ I have to save him for Jonah.—My steamer rug is almost worn out.—Ouch! I just killed a mosquito. I don’t mind their singing, but I can’t get used to their bites.—One of my back teeth began to ache. [Pg 36]
THURSDAY. Course—straight ahead. Weather—rain. Wind—same. Sea—same. Ship’s Run—same.
Remarks:
An all-day rain.—I can’t get along with Mrs. Ham. About all she can do is sit around and try to look pretty. She can’t even do that very well. Her family thought Ham married her for her money. Some women are so useless. Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth are so different. ”

“ Tomorrow I’ll be a rich man. We are going to have a rabbit and turtle race. Bet all the officers 5 to 1 on the turtle. I saw all the officers winking, but they don’t know I got a tip from Æsop’s animal book. It may be wrong to bet on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the family anyway.—Held another lifeboat drill today. The boat was in the ocean in one hour. ”

“ Shem declared he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for them. [Pg 108]
MONDAY.
Remarks:
Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard. Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. ”

“ Women folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the wash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I always thought women’s clothes were too complicated anyway.—Made an inspection of the staterooms. ”

“ That impertinent Ham did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil everything. [Pg 101]
TUESDAY.
Remarks:
No Diluvian Times today. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in 479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes a lot of fuss over the puppy. ”