Jerome K. Jerome

“ MRS. BEN DIXON.
(To Nelly.) Good-bye, my dear. (Kisses her.) You and I must have a long chat when you come down. Goodbye, Ted. This is what comes of your hiding yourself to starve away from your old aunt. Good-bye, Mr. Medbury. Good-bye, Cherry. Go on, Prim. (Primrose goes out) I want to get out of this and have a think. It's old fools and young fools all making fools of themselves together here. (She goes out.)
MR. BEN DIXON.
(To Cherry.) We are both charmed, my dear sir, charmed. I shall feel now that there is someone to look after them, and see that they never want for anything. ”

“ TED MORRIS.
Oh, no, it's nothing very terrible to be "spun," if you've got anything to spin on.
THEODORE TRAVERS
Yes—a top spins best when it's full of air—a man doesn't.
ADAM CHERRY.
You see, you won't let anybody help you, Ted
TED MORRIS.
(Rising.) Oh, that's only my nonsense, Mr. Cherry. We're not paupers. (To Theodore.) Are you coming upstairs to see Nelly? ”

“ NELLY MORRIS.
I'm afraid that doesn't promise very well for Ted.
MRS. WHEEDLES.
No, my dear, I am sorely afraid he won't pass—sorely afraid. But there, you can never tell, and one should always look on the bright side of things, they say. (Beginning to cry.)
NELLY MORRIS.
You don't help one to do so very much, Mrs. Wheedles.
MRS. WHEEDLES.
I never like to see anyone too sanguine, my dear. He doesn't eat enough to keep himself well, and you won't let me send a little bit of anything up now and then. ”

“ Oh, Cherry's an old fool, as good and kind a one as ever lived—that's better than some of them are—but an old fool all the same. Now come, Ben, I'm going to do my duty by poor dead Hetty's bairns, and you've got to help me. If they were cannibals or converted acrobats with no claim upon you whatever, you'd be eager enough to.
MR. BEN DIXON.
Precisely so, my dear. That is just it. You see, a public philanthropist has no right to indulge in private charities. He is meant for all alike. He embraces mankind. I embrace mankind. ”

“ PRIMROSE DEANE.
Not—not very, I'm afraid, dear.
TED MORRIS.
You said you'd lost all your money!
PRIMROSE DEANE.
No, I didn't, Ted. I said somebody might have told you I had. People do tell things about other people that are not true sometimes. (Ted rises and stands by table, looking troubled. Primrose breaks into a ringing laugh.) You can't get out of it now, Ted. I could bring a breach of promise case against you. (Ted still looks stern. Primrose rises and comes to him, playing with one of his coat buttons.) ”

“ Won't you sit over here, my dear? That chair looks so uncomfortable.
MRS. BEN DIXON.
The chair's all right. It's you who seem to be uncomfortable. (Looks round and sees him leaning over the back of the chair looking down into it.) What is it? Am I sitting on anything? (About to rise.)
MR. BEN DIXON.
(Rather alarmed.) No, my dear, nothing whatever. Don't you rise. It's all right. You were speaking about those dear children, Ted and Nelly?
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Difficult to remember what one is talking about with you pirouetting all over the place like a pantomime fairy. ”

“ ADAM CHERRY.
Ah yes. Do; do. (To Nelly.) Au revoir, my dear. Good-bye, Ted. Good-bye. (Goes out.)
TED MORRIS.
(He closes the door, and then returns. Nelly has gone to mantelpiece. He comes to her, and, putting his hands on her shoulders, speaks very gently.) You've done this for me, little woman, but it must not be, dear. Do you think that if I wouldn't ask dear old Aunt Bella for help that I'd take it for this price?
NELLY MORRIS.
One has a right to take what one has paid for. The price has been given. ”

“ THEODORE TRAVERS.
My dear fellow, I never was young. Age is a question of senses, not of seasons. I was born pretty much as you see me now. I told my first lie before most children can lisp the truth. I posed before most children can stand. I drank brandy at an age when most children lick sherbet, and made love while my co-temporaries were making mudpies. ”

“ When Adam Cherry asked me to marry him to let him make our lives smooth, I thought of you.
TED MORRIS.
I know. That's——
NELLY MORRIS.
(Checking him.) And of myself. (A pause.) I'm tired of this life, Ted. I'm tired of living in an attic. I'm tired of being ashamed to go out into the streets until it's dark because of my clothes. I'm tired of feeling hungry. It's such a vulgar feeling. We have no one to help us. You talk about aunt. You know that man has all her money, and he's not likely to let us have any of it—even if we cared to take it. As for Jack—poor boy—what could he give me? ”

“ We need among us such a man as yourself, Mr. Cherry—you will join our hoard, Mr. Cherry? You will give us the benefit of your experience— of your grasp of business?
ADAM CHERRY.
(Pleased.) Well, if you really think I could be of any help——
MR. BEN DIXON.
Think it! My dear sir, you are the very man we want. I think, Mr. Cherry—I think you suggested put-ting £8,000 into the affair?
ADAM CHERRY.
Yes, Mr. Ben Dixon. It is a big sum for me. In fact—in fact, it represents nearly all my savings. But the scheme seems a very safe one. ”

“ Look at her closely, Ted. You'll see one of the fairest, noblest little women God ever made—who'd just lay down her life for you—who keeps a bonny face and a brave word for you—and a sore heart for herself sometimes. Look at her a little oftener, old man—let her see that you understand and love her for it and—you don't mind my coming the family friend over you, do you, old fellow? ”

“ That's not a respectable man. That's potted respectability. They must have boiled down a church to make that. I never thought that there was so much respectability in the world. I'd never come across so much before, all at one time.
ADAM CHERRY.
And how do you like it?
MRS. BEN DIXON.
I don't like it. There's too much of it for me. I ought to have begun with small doses. My system can't stand it. I live in an atmosphere of respectability, and it's killing me. I never go anywhere that isn't respectable. I never do anything that isn't respectable. ”

“ JACK MEDBURY.
I wonder you care to stop on any longer in this world.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Duty, my dear fellow. I'm wanted down here. The age requires me. Great men are scarce.
TED MORRIS.
And modest—I always thought.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
A popular delusion. They pretend to be. In reality they all think of themselves exactly as I think of myself; I am setting them an example of naturalness and candour.
TED MORRIS.
(Laughs.) You certainly can't be accused of the "pride that apes humility." Well, and how are my respected aunt and uncle?
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Mr. and Mrs. Ben Dixon? ”

“ It serves me right. (Enter Primrose from window.) Oh, my dear child, don't you ever marry. It's only your money they want to get hold of.
PRIMROSE DEANE.
Oh, I'm sure he doesn't.
MRS. BEN DIXON.
He! Lord help the child, you haven't done it already, have you?
PRIMROSE DEANE.
(Confused.) Oh no—no—I—I meant——
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Don't trust him. Don't trust any of 'em. Have it all settled on yourself, and keep your own eye on it. Oh, to think what a fool I've been!
(Nelly has entered, followed by Cherry.)
NELLY MORRIS.
What's the matter, aunt? You're worried about something? ”

“ I don't think. What's brought that artist friend of yours down in such a hurry? There's nothing wrong with Ted, is there?
NELLY MORRIS.
No—I don't think so, aunt.
MRS. BEN DIXON:
Um—just the afternoon for it to happen if there was. Troubles always come together in this world, and they don't even make the usual reduction for taking a quantity.
(Enter Theodore and Ted by window.)
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Want me, mater?
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Yes, I do—look at us all. Did you ever see a collection of people looking more as if they'd just been fined forty shillings all round? ”

“ PRIMROSE DEANE.
(Laughing.) Besides, Theodore, I'm not literary. You know I read the Family Herald.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
My dear Primrose, that's a great mistake people make. A literary man doesn't want a literary wife. It would be like living with a critic. ”

“ Shag! (Turns to Jack.) Friend an artist? Also hard up? Coloured shirt!
JACK MEDBURY.
They last clean so much longer than the white ones.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Quite so—blunt and careless. Gentleman on mantelpiece seems to be suffering from toothache.
TED MORRIS.
(Laughs.) Oh, that's Nelly's nonsense, I suppose. This is Mr. Tapley. We call him Mr. Tapley because he is always so jolly.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
(Shutting book.) Thanks. Now that will be really useful to me. You see I'm a realist. We don't imagine, we study; the world's my scenery, mankind my characters. I write as I run. ”

“ THEODORE TRAVERS.
Ah, step-mater, I've been looking all over the place for you. (Noticing the open paper on the floor where Cherry has dropped it, and, taking in the facts, he looks from one to the other. Then picks up paper, folds it, and puts in his pocket.) Finding out the truth about Ben, I see. Always a very painful matter finding out the truth about people. ”

“ Ben Dixon and Primrose Deane. Mr. Ben Dixon is an unctuous, plausible, smiling old humbug. He is dressed with the nicest regard to ostentatious respectability. Primrose is a sweet, childish girl.)
MR. BEN DIXON.
So we have run you to earth at last, you young rogues. (He kisses Nelly and introduces her to Primrose.)
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Run them to earth! Run them to air you mean. (Referring to Tea's proffered hand.) Lord help the boy, I don't want that. I want a kiss. What's the good of being an aunt if you can't kiss your good-looking young nephews? (Embraces him.) ”

“ THEODORE TRAVERS.
Among the few that really knew you, yes. Spreading; that's the awkward part of it.
MR. BEN DIXON.
Wh—what do you mean? (Beginning to grow anxious.)
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Have you seen The Illustrated Police News this week?
MR. BEN DIXON.
My dear Theodore, you know I do not countenance such publications.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Um! You've countenanced it this time right enough. (Takes "Illustrated Police News" from his pocket, and, opening it, holds it up.) "The Councillor and the Strong Woman. Amusing Scene at the Aquarium." ”

“ ADAM CHERRY.
I'll leave you to explain the situation to her yourself.
(Cherry goes out slamming the door behind him. Ben Dixon goes to his bag and takes out a prospectus and crossing and standing facing windows begins to read it to himself. While he is doing this Mrs. Ben Dixon and Mrs. Wheedles enter quietly.)
MR. BEN DIXON.
(With prospectus in his hand rehearsing to himself in soft voice what he intends to say to his supposed client.) You will be assisting, my dear madam, in saving many poor souls from destruction; you will also get 15 per cent, for your money. ”

“ There has been, and I'm the poor ninny that's made it.
ADAM CHERRY.
If anyone had asked me for my ideal of respectability—
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Respectability! Man alive, don't talk about it. The very sound of the word makes me ill. It's been my curse from a child. I refused to play hopscotch at eight years old because I thought it wasn't respectable, and went sliding instead and was nearly drowned. It was I who persuaded poor father to give up the fried-fish shop because fried fish wasn't respectable, and he went into oysters and ruined himself in a year. ”

“ Silvia, the beauteous and world-renowned skipping-rope artiste. This lady, upon the death of my father, marries your uncle. Thus Art becomes the golden link connecting the Morris to the Travers family. (About to drink from one of the glasses.) Gin?
TED MORRIS.
No; an experiment. I don't fancy you'd care for it. (Takes glasses away and puts them back in cupboard.) O yes, I recollect now. Mrs. Ben Dixon was a Mrs. Travers, of course. (Noticing that Theo is again writing on his cuff.) Your cuff is getting rather full, isn't it? Don't you carry a note-book? ”

“ I mean, my dear, that she is sunk in Mrs. Ben Dixon.
MRS. BEN DIXON.
Yes, it is a bit of a come down. (Mr. Ben Dixon, crestfallen, retires to the fire.) Well, I am glad to see you. Why, you don't seem to have altered a day. Bless the man, you look quite young. (Cherry chuckles and plumes himself. She puts up her glass and examines him) . Until one looks into you a bit. (He coughs drily) . Well, and what have you been doing with yourself all these years? ”

“ Cherry, that we shall do—but also to benefit humanity at large. Think, Mr. Cherry, what a grand thing it will be to be helping the good cause—to be doing good among one's fellow-creatures—and at a profit, Mr. Cherry—at a very handsome profit—that's the beauty of the scheme. Mr. Cherry, as a man not altogether inexperienced in these matters, I say that never—never before has such an opportunity been presented to the investing public of combining the earthly comfort of a certain 15 per cent, dividend with the ennobling—I say the ennobling—satisfaction of furthering the cause of Heaven. ”

“ I—I thought she was a poor little penniless orphan—dependent on Aunt Bella.
THEODORE TRAVERS.
No; she doesn't suggest the heiress a bit, does she? Just as well she doesn't, perhaps. One doesn't have to be keeping such a continual look out for the fortune-hunting crew. She'll want to see me about that letter, I expect. I shall be down on the Putting Green. (Goes out.)
TED MORRIS.
(Bitterly.) Yes, I was dreaming. This is the awakening. An heiress with two thousand a year, and I with hardly a second coat to my back! A smart pair they'd have said we were—Nelly and I. Damn the money! ”

“ TED MORRIS.
What girl!
THEODORE TRAVERS.
Oh, a protégée of the step-mater's—a dear little thing—suggests roses and old Chippendale. (Takes chair to window.) She can sit over here near me. (At window, he looks out.) Ah, there's the carriage going away now. They are here evidently—all on the stairs in different degrees of exhaustion.
MRS. BEN DIXON.
(Without.) Well, we can't go any higher; it must be this. (Door opens, and in bustles breezily Mrs. Ben Dixon. She is a kindly, blunt, slightly vulgar woman of about forty. Her style in dress is pronounced.) Yes. ”