Julian Street

“ You lean, in a dazed way, upon the rail, turning on maudlin grins and waving your cap at no one in particular, until the crowd becomes a moving blur upon the dock-end. The liner's nose points down the river; gentle vibrations tell you she is under way; small craft dip flags and toot as they go by; the man-made mountain of Manhattan's office buildings drops astern ”

“ There is a horrible fascination about a ship's concert, something hypnotic that draws you, very much against your word and will. I always think of it as a sort of awful antidote that is given to the passengers to counteract the poison of the steady boredom of the ship. It is an event in the voyage, just as the appendicitis operation is an event in life. And as the only people who enjoy the appendicitis operation are the doctors, the only people who go gaily to the concert are those who go there to perform. [Pg 36]
The chairman, for instance, enjoys it very much. ”

“ You feel as if you really knew her personally, having heard her voice so often upon your coffee-mill at home. And of course we have an actor or an actress with us. A liner might as well attempt to go to sea without a rudder as without one. ”

“ Only two things can drive me from the smoke-room: one is the smoke-room steward, who closes up at night; the other is my own sense of shipboard duty toward family or friends. Occasionally one has to go and see how they are faring.
How the ship rolls and lurches the mo [Pg 25] ment that one rises from the leather couch! How cold and damp and windy is the deck, how desolate the ladies' cabin when one comes from the snugness of the smoke-room! Upon a narrow seat just inside the cabin door, an indelicate old person lies, eyes closed and jaws agape. ”

“ Some young men from the section which is the backbone of our country—if not it's fashion centre—appear on deck in dinner-coats and derby hats. They have read somewhere a fashion note stating that "the derby or bowler hat is the one headpiece de rigueur with the Tuxedo or dinner suit," and they mean to be comme il faut upon their trip abroad, or "bust." The other great event is the ship's belle in her pink chiffon. It makes you almost wish you were a dancing-man, to see her. But there are dancing-men enough—among them the ship's doctor. ”

“ The other passengers are, for the most part, colourless and quiet people like ourselves. [Pg 24]
The men upon a liner are divided into two broad classes: the deck crowd and the smoke-room crowd. I can not tell you much about the former, as I see them only now and then at meals; but the smoke-room is always full of pleasant chaps. You see, the smoke-room on an English liner is made (like English law) for men only, and, being made for men, it is the most comfortable place upon the ship. ”

“ Be the man who has a mania for sitting at the captain's table, the man who goes abroad to get a lot of labels on his suit-case, the man who buys a set on Broadway (for two dollars) and sticks them on at home, the [Pg 34] man who howls when bands play "Dixie," the man who wears the Stars and Stripes upon his hat, the man who gambles with the racy-looking stranger underneath the warning smoke-room sign (and stops payment on the cheque by cable) , be personally conducted, be anything you like ”

“ It is like going to war, or playing on the flute: one can't refuse, I mean to say, if one is asked. Eh, what? The only man in England who has a right to say he cannot sing is one who is literally dumb, and as he cannot say it, it is never said. And so, you see, Britannia Rules the Wave, and all that sort of thing.
At the end of the concert, "God Save the King" strikes up, and everybody rises and lifts such voice as he has in song, the American passengers labouring under a conviction that the words begin "My country, 'tis of thee," until the Britons drown them out. ”

“ The United States custom-house spotter ought to look like a detective, but he doesn't. Instead of playing Foxy Quiller, he plays bridge, and probably with you. He adores the ladies—the dear ladies, God bless 'em! For it is the ladies whom the spotter mostly spots: the pretty ladies with big state-rooms and big trunks and big hats; the pretty ladies with the little maids and little evening gowns and little pearls. The spotter has to be the sort of man these ladies like, or else the Government will change his spots. ”

“ They are "these brave, watchful fellows who have our lives in their hands." At this, the chairman looks at the table stewards, who stand about the walls with their napkins and their middle-class grins; brave, watchful fellows trying to look as if they really held our lives and not our dinners in their hands. ”

“ You might suspect her of a golden scaly tail and fins, excepting that you see her tiny, well-shod [Pg 19] feet as they step out firmly on the deck. They never step alone. There are lots of other feet, and larger, that delight in stepping with them. The very wind that loves her wafts her friends—wafts them with tobacco-smoke, as like as not:
"I beg your pardon, does this smoke trouble you?" ”

“ Don't ever fancy that the Cheerful One among the passengers inquires thus because [Pg 30] he cares a whit. He only wishes to emphasise his own immunity from mal de mer, and blow the smoke of his disgusting pipe into your face. Neither his stomach nor his intellect is sensitive. ”

“ Wait until the ship is settled for the night, go out on the dark deck, step over to the rail, and place the left hand lightly but firmly upon it. Then give an upward and outward jump, raising the feet and legs to the right, in such manner as to permit them to pass freely over the obstruction. When they are well over, remove the left hand from the rail. ”

“ Only two other passengers at meals, and—don't you feel it coming?—the captain said it was the—but you fill in the rest. Ah, if the Nausia had only sunk with all on board!
QUITE THE NICEST PLACE ON THE WHOLE SHIP IS THE SMOKE-ROOM.
When the voyage is smooth and the Cheerful One is denied the joy of making sea-sick folk feel sicker, he is disappointed but not idle, for he may still extort confessions from untravelled persons. You know [Pg 31] him: the solid, red-faced man who dresses for dinner and sits at the head of the table eating fried things loud and long when it is rough. ”

“ Low down on the list, they are, nevertheless, up high on the ship. They will remain throughout the voyage upon the topmost deck (cabins de luxe A, B, C, and D) in a state of exclusive and elegant sea-sickness. You will not see them. They have "absolutely nothing in common" with [Pg 23] any of the other passengers—excepting mal de mer and perchance a wife or husband ex-officio.
HOW THE SHIP ROLLS AND LURCHES!
Of course we have an opera-singer on board—a lady with a figure like the profile of a disc record. No home on the rolling deep can be complete without one. ”

“ Also, if we are to have full measure, there must be on board a playwright or a novelist, a scientific man, an absconder, a bishop, a transatlantic sharper; a group of nasal people "personally conducted" by a man with a sad, patient face; a lord, or at the very least, a baron and some counts. ”

“ Paris dressmakers, European hotels, and the American custom-house. If you talk with Europeans, it is always nice to give them fresh impressions as to what's the matter with their country and with them. ”