Molière

“ How silly of you, Toinette, to be so afflicted at his death.
TOI. Ah! Ma'am, I thought I ought to cry.
BEL. Pooh! it is not worth the trouble. What loss is it to anybody,
and what good did he do in this world? A wretch, unpleasant to
everybody; of nauseous, dirty habits; always a clyster or a dose of
physic in his body. Always snivelling, coughing, spitting; a stupid,
tedious, ill-natured fellow, who was for ever fatiguing people and
scolding night and day at his maids and servants.
TOI. An excellent funeral oration!
BEL. Toinette, you must help me to carry out my design ”

“ All the Doctors and Apothecaries dance to the sound of instruments and voices, the clapping of hands, and the beating of Apothecaries’ mortars.
Surgeon
May he just see his learned stipulations and fill the offices of surgeons and apothecaries.
Chorus
Live a long life, live a long life, live a long life, live a long life, a hundred times let the new doctor who speaks so well live a long life! For a thousand, thousand years let him eat and drink, and cure and kill.
Apothecary
May all his years be good and favorable for him and may he never grapple with plagues or epidemics that are evil beasts. ”

“ SCENE XXII.--ARGAN, BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.
ANG. Ah! what a delightful surprise! Father, since heaven has given
you back to our love, let me here throw myself at your feet to implore
one favour of you. If you do not approve of what my heart feels, if
you refuse to give me Cléante for a husband, I conjure you, at least,
not to force me to marry another. It is all I have to ask of you.
CLE. (_throwing himself at_ ARGAN'S _feet_) . Ah! Sir, allow
your heart to be touched by her entreaties and by mine, and do not
oppose our mutual love. ”

“ When a doctor speaks to us of assisting, succouring nature, of removing what is injurious to it, of giving it what it is defective in, of restoring it, and giving back to it the full exercise of its functions, when he speaks of purifying the blood, of refreshing the bowels and the brain, of correcting the spleen, of rebuilding the lungs, of renovating the liver, of fortifying the heart, of re-establishing and keeping up the natural heat, and of possessing secrets wherewith to lengthen life of many years—he repeats to you the romance of physic. ”

“ Suffer me, then, Madam, to make to-day on the altar of your
charms the offering of a heart which longs for and is ambitious of no
greater glory than to be till death, Madam, your most humble, most
obedient, most faithful servant and husband.
TOI. Ah! See what it is to study, and how one learns to say fine
things!
ARG. (_to_ CLÉANTE) . Well! what do you say to that?
CLE. The gentleman does wonders, and if he is as good a doctor as he
is an orator, it will be most pleasant to be one of his patients. ”

“ SCENE V.—ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.
Toi. (to Argan) . Indeed, Sir, I am of your opinion now, and I unsay all that I said yesterday. Here are Mr. Diafoirus the father, and Mr. Diafoirus the son, who are coming to visit you. How well provided with a son-in-law you will be! You will see the best-made young fellow in the world, and the most intellectual. He said but two words to me, it is true, but I was struck with them, and your daughter will be delighted with him. ”

“ Behold him suffering from this mortal blow; he cannot bear the dreadful idea of seeing her he loves in the arms of another; and in his despair he finds the means of introducing himself into the house of his shepherdess, in order to learn her feelings and to hear from her the fate he must expect. There he sees everything ready for what he fears; he sees the unworthy rival whom the caprice of a father opposes to the tenderness of his love; he sees that ridiculous rival triumphant near the lovely shepherdess, as if already assured of his conquest. ”

“ ARG. Why will you not believe that a man can cure another?
BER. For the simple reason, brother, that the springs of our machines
are mysteries about which men are as yet completely in the dark, and
nature has put too thick a veil before our eyes for us to know
anything about it.
ARG. Then, according to you, the doctors know nothing at all.
BER. Oh yes, brother. Most of them have some knowledge of the best
classics, can talk fine Latin, can give a Greek name to every disease,
can define and distinguish them ”

“ He sees nothing obscure in physic, nothing doubtful,
nothing difficult, and through an impetuous prepossession, an
obstinate confidence, a coarse common sense and reason, orders right
and left purgatives and bleedings, and hesitates at nothing. We must
bear him no ill-will for the harm he does us; it is with the best
intentions in the world that he will send you into the next world, and
in killing you he will do no more than he has done to his wife and
children, and than he would do to himself, if need be. ”

“ Toinette, if he deceives me, I shall never in all my life
believe in any man.
TOI. Here is your father coming back.
SCENE V.--ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE.
ARG. I say, Angélique, I have a piece of news for yon which, perhaps,
you did not expect. You have been asked of me in marriage. Halloa! how
is that? You are smiling. It is pleasant, is it not, that word
marriage? there is nothing so funny to young girls. Ah! nature!
nature! So, from what I see, daughter, there is no need of my asking
you if you are willing to marry. ”

“ MR. PUR. Since you have forsaken the obedience you owe to your
doctor....
TOI. It cries for vengeance.
MR. PUR. Since you have declared yourself a rebel against the remedies
I had prescribed for you....
ARG. No, no, certainly not.
MR. PUR. I must now tell you that I give you up to your bad
constitution, to the imtemperament of your intestines, to the
corruption of your blood, to the acrimony of your bile, and to the
feculence of your humours.
TOI. It serves you right.
ARG. Alas!
MR. PUR. And I will have you before four days in an incurable state.
ARG. Ah! mercy on me! ”

“ A shepherd was paying
every attention to the beauties of a play, when he was disturbed by a
noise close to him, and on turning round he saw a scoundrel who, with
insolent language, was annoying a young shepherdess. He immediately
espoused the cause of a sex to which all men owe homage; and after
having chastised the brute for his insolence, he came near the
shepherdess to comfort her. He sees a young girl with the most
beautiful eyes he has ever beheld, who is shedding tears which he
thinks the most precious in the world. ”

“ Madam, how much you have lost by not being at the second
father, the statue of Memnon, and the flower styled heliotrope.
ARG. Come, my daughter, shake hands with this gentleman, and pledge
him your troth.
ANG. Father!
ARG. Well? What do you mean by "Father"?
ANG. I beseech you not to be in such a hurry; give us time to become
acquainted with each other, and to see grow in us that sympathy so
necessary to a perfect union. ”

“ ARG. Wait a moment, brother, I'll be back directly.
TOI. Here, Sir; you forget that you cannot get about without a stick.
ARG. Ay, to be sure.
SCENE II.--BÉRALDE, TOINETTE.
TOI. Pray, do not give up the interest of your niece.
BER. No, I shall do all in my power to forward her wishes.
TOI. We must prevent this foolish marriage which he has got into his
head, from taking place. And I thought to myself that it would be a
good thing to introduce a doctor here, having a full understanding of
our wishes, to disgust him with his Mr. Purgon, and abuse his mode of
treating him. ”

“ ARG. No, make her come here.
TOI. He cannot give her a good lesson if they are not left alone.
ARG. Oh! yes, he can.
TOI. Sir, it will stun you; and you should have nothing to disturb you
in the state of health you are in.
ARG. No, no; I like music, and I should be glad to...Ah! here she is.
(_To_ TOINETTE) Go and see if my wife is dressed.
SCENE IV.--ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE.
ARG. Come, my daughter, your music-master is gone into the country,
and here is a person whom he sends instead, to give you your lesson.
ANG. (_recognising_ CLÉANTE) . O heavens! ”

“ Purgon holds in his hands the thread of your life, and that he has supreme authority to prolong it or to cut it short at his will. Remember that the springs of your life are in yourself, and that all the wrath of Mr. Purgon can do as little towards making you die, as his remedies can do to make you live. ”

“ BER. You are served according to your wish. One doctor leaves you,
another comes to replace him.
ARG. I greatly fear that you will cause some misfortune.
BER. Oh! You are harping upon that string again?
ARG. Ah! I have on my mind all those diseases that I don't understand,
those....
SCENE X.--ARGAN, BÉRALDE, TOINETTE (_dressed as a doctor_) .
TOI. Allow me, Sir, to come and pay my respects to you, and to offer
you my small services for all the bleedings and purging you may
require.
ARG. I am much obliged to you, Sir. (_To_ BÉRALDE) Toinette
herself, I declare! ”

“ BER. Nothing, brother.
ARG. Nothing?
BER. Nothing. Only rest. Nature, when we leave her free, will herself
gently recover from the disorder into which she has fallen. It is our
anxiety, our impatience, which does the mischief, and most men die of
their remedies, and not of their diseases.
ARG. Still you must acknowledge, brother, that we can in certain
things help nature.
BER. Alas! brother; these are pure fancies, with which we deceive
ourselves. ”

“ ARG. She is the cause of all my bile.
BEL. Don't be so angry.
ARG. And I have asked you ever so many times to send her away.
BEL. Alas! my child, there is no servant without defects. We are
obliged to put up at times with their bad qualities on account of
their good ones. The girl is skilful, careful, diligent, and, above
all, honest; and you know that in our days we must be very careful
what people we take into our house. I say, Toinette.
SCENE VII.--ARGAN, BÉLINE, TOINETTE.
TOI. Madam.
BEL. How is this? Why do you put my husband in a passion? ”

“ BAR. I will willingly cease, brother; and, to change the subject,
allow me to tell you that, because your daughter shows a slight
repugnance to the match you propose, it is no reason why you should
shut her up in a convent. In your choice of a son-in-law you should
not blindly follow the anger which masters you. ”

“ He tries every means to meet again with a sight so dear to him, and the remembrance of which pursues him day and night. But the great watch which is kept over his shepherdess deprives him of all the power of doing so. The violence of his passion urges him to ask in marriage the adorable beauty without whom he can no longer live, and he obtains from her the permission of doing so, by means of a note that he has succeeded in sending to her. ”

“ SCENE V.—ARGAN, BÉRALDE.
Arg. Brother, you’ll be the cause that some misfortune will happen here.
Ber. What a misfortune not to take a clyster prescribed by Mr. Purgon! Once more, brother, is it possible that you can’t be cured of this doctor disease, and that you will thus bring yourself under their remedies?
Arg. Ah! brother. You speak like a man who is quite well, but if you were in my place, you would soon change your way of speaking. It is easy to speak against medicine when one is in perfect health. ”

“ SCENE III:--ARGAN, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE.
CLE. Sir.
TOI. (_to_ CLÉANTE) . Do not speak so loud, for fear of splitting
open the head of Mr. Argan.
CLE. Sir, I am delighted to find you up, and to see you better.
TOI. (_affecting to be angry_) . How! better? It is false; master
is always ill.
CLE. I had heard that your master was better, and I think that he
looks well in the face.
TOI. What do you mean by his looking well in the face? He looks very
bad, and it is only impertinent folks who say that he is better; he
never was so ill in his life. ”

“ ARG. But are you aware, brother, that it is these medicines which keep
me in good health? Mr. Purgon says that I should go off if he were but
three days without taking care of me.
BER. If you are not careful, he will take such care of you that he
will soon send you into the next world.
ARG. But let us reason together, brother; don't you believe at all in
medicine?
BER. No, brother; and I do not see that it is necessary for our
salvation to believe in it.
ARG. What! Do you not hold true a thing acknowledged by everybody, and
revered throughout all ages? ”

“ Well, let him become a doctor, and I will consent to the marriage. (To Cléante) Yes, turn doctor, Sir, and I will give you my daughter.
Cle. Very willingly, Sir, if it is all that is required to become your son-in-law. I will turn doctor; apothecary also, if you like. It is not such a difficult thing after all, and I would do much more to obtain from you the fair Angélique.
Ber. But, brother, it just strikes me; why don’t you turn doctor yourself? It would be much more convenient to have all you want within yourself. ”