Various

“ In Venice Vulcan's echoes hiss and roar,
And idle sits the hapless Gondolier.
His Gondola is crumbling on the shore,
The Penny Steamer's whistle racks his ear.
'Arry exults—but Beauty is not here;
Trade swells, Arts grow—but Nature seems to die.
Hucksters may boast that Venice is less "dear,"
"Progresso!" is the Press, the Public cry ”

“ Madame Metterbrun doesn't exactly know what to say, but Miss Louisa comes to the rescue. "O Mr. Puller"—he is frequently at their house in London, and they know him intimately—"I always say to Mamma, when we're abroad, that I do like to hear you talk French"—Puller smirks and thinks to himself that this is a girl of sense and rare appreciation—"because," she goes on quietly, and all at table are listening, "because your speaking French reminds me so of home." Her home is London. I think Puller won't ask Miss Louisa for an opinion on his French accent again in a hurry. ”

“ This year has been a great one for America in London. The Exhibition in West Kensington, with its Wild West Show, has attracted its thousands, and at this moment two dramas (both from the United States) are very popular in the Strand and Oxford Street. A few nights ago, anxious to save you the trouble of filling a stall with your customary urbanity and critical acumen (to say nothing of your august person and opera-glasses) , I visited the Princess's, to assist at a performance of The Shadows of a Great City. ”

“ Puller is in the highest possible spirits: surrounded by this company, all drinking his drinks, he as it were takes the chair and presides. He knocks on the table, which brings the waiter, to whom he says, holding up a couple of fingers "Two with you,"—whereat the waiter only smiles upon the eccentric Englishman, shakes his head, and wisely retires.
"Ah, Miladi," says Puller, "you must take a course of Roberts. He's a rum 'un." Then he sings, "He's all right when you know him, but you've got to hear him fust."
His guests politely smile, all except the Countess. ”

“ Taking this on the whole for encouragement, Puller commences the song from which he has already quoted the chorus. What the words are I do not catch, but as Puller reproduces to the life the style and manner of a London Music-Hall singer, and cocks his hat on one side, it is no wonder that the French people at the other table turn towards us in amazement.
"For goodness sake, Mr. Puller!" cries the Countess, rising from her chair in consternation. Jane also rises, Miss Casanova is laughing nervously. The Metterbruns look utterly astonished. ”

“ And," she adds, making the bracelets jingle again, as with a tragedy queen's action of the right arm she sweeps away into space whole realms of Music Halls and comic singers, "that was quite enough."
"Didn't he make you laugh?" continues Puller, still in the character of a stern cross-examiner.
"Laugh!" almost shrieks the Countess, extending her hands so suddenly that I have only time to throw myself back to avoid a sharp tap on the head from her fan. "Heavens! not a bit! not the least bit in the world! ”

“ I am beginning to feel like an unpopular man at a dance. I regard the people wallowing at the windows with a growing hate; they are the elect—but that is no reason why they should parade it in that ostentatious way—bad taste!... ”

“ I am overjoyed—really. I no longer hate people. I too am an initiate! But I can pity poor devils who are houseless, I hope.... I order sundry things: "Send them in to Plapper's." Luggage regained and sent back—to Plapper's. I feel self-respect once more.
6 p.m.—Returning to Plapper's. And in this secure retreat my Nautical drama is destined to see the light—if Plapper only knew! I feel an affection already for this humble temporary home. Mrs. P. meets me at the door. "So sorry, Sir—but you can't have the rooms, after all! Plapper had let 'em quite unbeknown to me!" ”

“ The modern Venetian takes pleasure not only in neglecting but in persecuting the palace and the gondola.... As to the gondola, the mass of Venetians possess none, and rarely go in them.... They forget that the much-desired foreigner does not come to Venice to read signboards from a steamboat up and down the Grand Canal; and, by handing over this magnificent waterway to a company of foreign speculators, they have well-nigh reduced the ancient body of gondoliers to beggary. ”

“ I grow morbid. Remember words of song, entreating vague somethings (perhaps stars) "to smile on their vagabond boy"—no one smiles on me. And I to have vapoured about "throwing the handkerchief." Fool—fool!... They are more sympathetic in the back-streets, though. "Starmouth is very full!" They say, complacently, "they don't know if there's any place I could get into, not to say at once—they really don't!" ”

“ Sir,—Your Correspondent, a "Stifled Invalid," wants to know how, in these days of ill-drained and ill-ventilated lodgings, he can secure a breath of fresh sea-air without the risk of being prostrated by a local fever, or poisoned by sewer gas. His course is simple enough. He has only to do as I have done. Let him get a furniture-van (if he is a married man with a family, he will want more—I have five) , and hire a traction-engine to drag him to some well-known watering-place, and deposit him on the Pier. ”

“ Puller, whose idea of making things pleasant, and, as he expresses it, "sweetening everyone all round," is to order "drinks" for everybody, insists upon the party taking "consommations"—he loves saying this word—at his expense. The Countess at first objects, as also does Madame Metterbrun; but, on Puller's explaining that he belongs to "The Two-with-you Society," they accept this explanation as utterly unintelligible but perfectly satisfactory; and so, accepting Puller's al fresco hospitality, we form a cheerful group round two tables put together for our accommodation. ”

“ In this jungle of houses, what is wanted is fresh air.
Everyone of you toilers should be given the real "Freedom of the City,"
by having free spaces bestowed on you.
It is better to learn how to expand the limbs, and play rounders, and
leap over the frog, and fly kites,
Than to acquire in a school-room elementary education, consisting of
algebra and Assyrian hieroglyphics, spelling, Greek, Italian, and
advanced trigonometry. ”

“ After we have pretty well exhausted the list, and objected to this one as having a head voice, or to that as using the vibrato, or to the other as dwelling on an upper note ("queer sort of existence," says Puller, gradually coming up, as it were to the surface to open his mouth for breath,—whereat Cousin Jane smiles, and Miss Casanova lazily nods approbation of the joke—while the rest of us ignore Puller, putting him aside as not wanted just now,—when down he goes again) , we generally agree that Gayarré is about the best tenor we have had in London for some time ”

“ At this season of the year when so many who are off "for the grouse," think twice before putting their hands into their pockets for the exorbitant fare of a journey first-class, my method of securing all its comfort at half the cost, may possibly find some votaries willing to profit by my experience. ”

“ We, the non-combatants, feel that the mailed gauntlet has been thrown down by the Countess as a challenge to the Metterbruns.
"O Mother!" faintly remonstrates Miss Casanova, who loves a stall at the Opera. She fears that her mother's energetic declaration means war, and fans herself helplessly. ”

“ Don't object to boys, as a class, but this particular boy is pallid, with something round his throat, and an indescribable air about him of conscious deadliness, and pride in the unusual terror he inspires, which can only be accounted for by recent Measles. ”

“ I know what I like"— ("Hear! hear!" sotto voce from Puller, coming up again to the surface, which draws a languidly approving inclination of the head from Miss Casanova, and a smile, deprecating the interruption, from Cousin Jane) ,—"and I must say," continues the Countess, emphatically, "I would rather have one hour of Salvini in Othello, than a whole month of the best Operas by the best composers,—Wagner included," and down comes her hand on the table, all the bracelets ringing down the curtain on the first act. ”

“ I am living rent free, and, beyond the cost of a family ticket for the Pier, which, though it is disputed by the Committee, I insist gives me a right to have my vans on as well, have, as yet, been put to no expense whatever. There was a report that the Local Fire Brigade had resolved, in the event of my not moving off, to force me to do so by "pumping" me out, but I am loth to believe this. Meantime we are having some excellent fishing with a lawn-tennis net. The traction-engine is to call for me in a month. ”

“ Here was a suggestion of The Ticket of Leave Man, there a notion from The Colleen Bawn, and yonder ideas from The Long Strike and Arrah-na-Pogue. There is nothing new under the sun, and The Shadows of a Great City is no exception to the rule. ”

“ Before I start I provide myself with a six-foot mattrass, several yards of rope, and four screw-hooks, which, the moment I enter the cabin, I proceed with a large gimlet to fasten to the ceiling, and, before the Steward or passengers have had time to protest, I have rigged myself up a capital swinging bed in the very centre of the vessel. To jump in, occupy it, and keep officials at bay with an umbrella, only needs a little nerve and practice, and when once fairly out of port, specially if it be rough, one is not very easily dislodged. ”

“ An Irish peasant sometimes when his pig is poorly, kills the animal, as he says, to save its life, whereby, of course, he means, to save his bacon. Fishermen should be up to curing all fish that are curable—except—they are not bootmakers—the cure of soles! ”

“ One who has Gone to Pieces.
SALUBRITIES ABROAD.
Still at Royat. Hotel Continental.—À propos of Puller "airing his French" Miss Louisa Metterbrun said something delightful to him the other day at dinner. Puller had been instructing us all in some French idioms until Madame Metterbrun set him right in his pronunciation. He owned that he had made a slip. "But," says he, wagging his head and pulling up his wristbands with the air of a man thoroughly well satisfied with himself generally, "but I think you'll allow that I can speak French better than most Englishmen, eh?" ”

“ Puller has recovered his high spirits. The temperature has changed: the waters are agreeing with him. So is the dinner hour, which M. Hall, our landlord, kindly permits us to have at the exceptional and un-Royat-like hour of 7·30. At dinner he is convivial. Madame Metterbrun and her two daughters are discussing music. Cousin Jane is deeply interested in listening to Madame Metterbrun on Wagner. The young Ladies are thorough Wagnerites. ”

“ Gladstone going to move hostile Resolution on Government proposal to proclaim Land League. Every Member in town early in his place. Members from afar arrived post haste. Even Randolph, temporarily returns. Old Morality smiles ghastly smile of welcome, but knees tremble as he wonders what Randolph means to do. The O'Gorman Mahon back again, Parnell having elected him for Carlow County. The old boy as young as ever, and full of reminiscences of his early Parliamentary career, which goes back immeasurable distance. ”

“ Effie. "But, dear Mamma, how can we help being selfish, Maud and I? You and Papa have always given way to us in everything! Unselfish Parents always make Selfish Children, you know—and vice versa!"
Maud. "Yes; and, according to that, Mummy darling, just think what nice Unselfish Grandchildren you'll have, if we ever Marry!"
JUPITER TONANS! "Shall I fetch your thunderbolt, Jove?" inquired Ganymede.—Ixion in Heaven.
Modern Jupiter loquitur:—
A bolt, a potent one, and brought at need! ”

“ Punch, or the London Charivari Volume 93, September 3rd 1887 edited by Sir Francis Burnand SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH.
3 p.m.—Arrive at Starmouth—the retired Watering-place at which I propose to write the Nautical Drama that is to render me famous and wealthy. Leave luggage at Station, and go in search of lodgings. Hotel out of the question—table d'hôte quite fatal to inspiration. On the Esplanade, noting likely places with critical eye. Perhaps I am a little fastidious. What I should really like is a little cottage ”