Various

“ Scene—The Smoking-room of a Country-house in December. Six Sportsmen in Smoking-coats. Time, 11.15 p.m.
First Sportsman (concluding a harangue) . All I can say is, I never read such rot in all my life. Why, the fellow doesn't know a gun from a cartridge-bag. I'm perfectly sick of reading that everlasting rubbish about "pampered minions of the aristocracy slaughtering the unresisting pheasant in his thousands at battues." I wonder what the beggars imagine a rocketing pheasant is like? I should like to have seen one of 'em outside Chivy Wood to-day. I never saw taller birds in my life. ”

“ I know guns have this power of projecting horrible emanations of themselves into the slumbers of sportsmen who have not treated them as they deserved. I have suffered from it myself. It was only last week that, having said something derogatory to the dignity of my second gun, I woke with a start at two o'clock in the morning, and found its wraith going through the most horrible antics in a patch of moonlight on my bed-room floor. I shot with that gun on the following day, and missed nearly everything I shot at. ”

“ Even a man whose career has been ruined by malicious persecution will be avoided like a pest if it is known that he dins the account of his wrongs into everyone's ears. How, then, shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of ordinary sport be listened to with patience? Of all bores, the grievancemonger is the fiercest and worst. Lay this great truth by in your memory, and be mindful of it in more important matters than sport when the occasion arises.
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I have been asked to say, whether a man may abuse his gun? ”

“ Take my advice, therefore, and abstain from abusing your gun.
Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include the following subjects:— (1) The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom every district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with somebody; (2) "The best shot in England," who is to be found in every country-side, and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his particular district take a patriotic pride; (3) the folly and wickedness of those who talk or write ignorantly against any kind of sport ”

“ Nothing of course is more poisonous to the aggrieved one than to stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once only, he may produce it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for making even this slight concession. ”

“ The tedium is relieved by a very audible dispute outside between the Driver of the Baby's Caravan and the Wife of the Conjuror next door, who appears to have excited the Driver's displeasure by consenting to take the money in the absence of the Baby's proprietress.
The Driver (with dignity) . I consider it a bloomin' liberty, and a downright piece of himpertinence, you comin' 'ere interferin' with with my business—and so I tell yer!
The Lady (with more dignity) . ”

“ Charity Begins Abroad.—The following advertisement (which recently appeared in the Times) has been sent for solution:—
GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of 100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in Europe, Africa, America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM, capable of giving important profits. Offers to be addressed, &c.
In reply to this appeal, Mr. Punch begs to say that "the gentleman with knowledge of business" seems to be anxious to act as an alter ego to a serious (not a jocular) firm "capable of giving profits." ”

“ CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. The Smoking-Room (continued) .
I may assume, that after the terrible example given in my last chapter, you have firmly made up your mind never on any account to take service in the great army of bores. But this determination is not all that is necessary. A man must constantly keep a strict guard on himself, lest he should unconsciously deviate even for a few minutes into the regions of boredom. Whatever you do, let nothing tempt you to relate more than once any grievance you may have. ”

“ Seemed to think we shot pheasants perched in the trees, and went on to say that wasn't the sport for him; he liked to go after his game, and find it for himself. Who the deuce cares if he does? If he can't talk better sense than that, no wonder Cleveland beat him in the election.
Third Sp. Pure rubbish, of course. Still I must say, apart from pheasants, I like the old plan of letting your dogs work. It's far more sport than walking up partridges in line, or getting them driven at you. ”

“ The position being right out of the way of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the river-fog district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures by damp, its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate our Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to dealing with the precipitation of sludge. ”

“ I could not speak, for I was just enjoying an unusually subtle flavour. Then one of the guests, a member of my Club, whispered to my aunt, and tapped his forehead. Then she tapped her forehead, and all the guests tapped their foreheads. I had finished that flavour, so I said, "My dear Aunt, I am not mad, I——" "Then," said she, "you must be intoxicated. Leave the house!" ”

“ THE RHODES COLOSSUS. ["Mr. Rhodes announced that it was his intention, either with the help of his friends or by himself, to continue the telegraph northwards, across the Zambesi, through Nyassaland, and along Lake Tanganyika to Uganda. Nor is this all.... This colossal Monte Cristo means to cross the Soudan ... and to complete the overland telegraph line from Cape Town to Cairo; that is, from England to the whole of her possessions or colonies, or 'spheres of influence' in Africa."—The Times.]
The World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone! ”

“ A sensational picture attracts, and distracts. In this collection the Baron can recommend The Beryl Coronet, The Red-Headed League, The Copper Beeches, and The Speckled Band. The best time for reading any one of these stories is the last thing at night, before turning in. "At such an hour, try The Speckled Band, and see how you like it," says the Bold Baron.
The Baron's assistant dives into the Christmas Card Basket, and produces Raphael Tuck and Sons,—"Tuck," a schoolword dear to "our boys,"—who lead off the Christmas dance. Daintily and picturesquely got up, their Cards are quite full. ”

“ LADIES IN THE HUNTING FIELD. It is The Opinion of Mr. Phunkie "that the Fair Sex is all very well at the Covert Side, and he has no objection to a little quiet Flirtation there; but if a Man is expected to go hanging round a Girl when Hounds are running, the thing is apt to become a dooce of a Nuisance!"
TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.
["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at Westminster Police Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving for each pair of trousers 81⁄4d., and for each flannel-belt, rather less than one penny."—Daily Paper.] ”

“ Inside is an ordinary tent, with a rough platform at the further end, whereon is an empty chair, at which a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and patiently staring for the last quarter of an hour. ”

“ It was advisable that the bodies as well as the minds of children educated by the School-Boards should receive attention. Their bodies should be brought to as near perfection as possible; every muscle should be brought into play. ”

“ A hundred and forty-five pheasants, fifty-six rabbits, eleven hares, three pigeons, and a woodcock. We should have got a hundred and eighty pheasants if they hadn't dodged us in the big wood. I can't make out where they went.
Second Sp. It's a deuced difficult wood to beat, that is. I thought we should have got more hares, all the same.
Chalmers. Hares! I think I'm precious lucky to get so many nowadays. There won't be a hare left in a year or two. ”

“ Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on my hat—do not cause me to suspend the sitting.
First Mem. Surely a civil question deserves a civil answer?
Esquire Harcourt. Not in a nation that has bled on the field of battle. ”

“ L. May I open this 'ere packet now, Master?
The Y. M. If you don't tell nobody what's in it, you may. I've sold as many as I keer to a' ready.
The Agr. L. (opening the parcel, and finding a toy-watch of the value of one farthing sterling) . 'Ere, I'll give yer this back—'tain't no good to me!
The Y. M. (with concern) . I'm reelly very sorry, Sir, I've given you a wrong 'un by mistake. I quite fancied as——Allow me to apologise, and, as a proof I 'aven't lost your good opinion, give me a penny for this one. ”