Various

“ Lord Illingworth.
"What is a good woman?" asked the Journalist.
"A woman who admires bad men," answered Lord Illingworth.
"What is a bad man?"
"A man who smokes gold-tipped cigarettes."
"Which would you rather, or go fishing?" inquired the Mere Boy, irreverently.
"Because it's a jar, of course. There are two kinds of women, the plain and the coloured. But all art is quite useless."
"I say!" exclaimed Lord Henry, taking from his friend's pocket a gold match-box, curiously carved, and wrought with his initials in chrysoprases and peridots. "I say, you know, Illingworth—come—that's mine. ”

“ William Wobler owes his seat in Parliament to-day! (His hearers receive this with frank incredulity.) Ah, but it is, though, and I denounce him, as I have denounced him before, and shall denounce him while I have power to raise my voice, as a man who has proved himself utterly unworthy of the efforts I have made on his behalf. Some people are saying they want Thomas Tiddler in North Paddington. I say—Never! Not as long as I've breath in my body shall Thomas Tiddler be returned for any constituency! No, gentlemen: here I stand before you, with no money, and only one lung. ”

“ I hold that a man who is capable of attracting an audience by such gifts of oratory as he may possess, is perfectly justified in making a collection afterwards, whether he requires the money or not. But this person has become so degraded, so destitute of any sense of honour, so soaked and sodden with gin, that he now turns round on the principles he once professed, and is to be seen going round with a hat laden with the coppers of those who are infinitely worse off than—judging from his dress and prosperous appearance—he evidently is himself! ”

“ Dillon, amid scene of tumultuous excitement, admitted that phrase not in itself defensible, but pleaded that words had been spoken amid great provocation. The massacre at Mitchelstown had taken place just before; its memories were hot within him, and, out of the indignation of his heart, his tongue had spoken.
As Dillon urged this plea, T. W. Russell made a hurried remark in Joseph's ear. J. smiled grimly; the Lord had delivered the enemy into his hand. ”

“ I prefer to appeal to you, the people of London. It's a disgrace—a public disgrace—that you people should allow such a man as myself to walk the streets without food! (A voice. "Why don't yer work?") Work? Am I not working? Am I not in my proper place here to-night?
The Crowd (with hearty unanimity) . No!
The Orator (with exultation) . Then support me in the name of all you hold dear! I have my work to accomplish, and I shall accomplish it by the aid of the People's pence, by the aid of the People's sixpences,—aye, and by the aid of the People's shillings! ”

“ The sporting-looking young man is Captain Coddington, who is 'in town' for the season."
"And who are the two men, exactly alike, tall and dark, who are smoking gold-tipped cigarettes, and talking epigrams?" I asked. I like to know who people are, and the person in the silver domino seemed well-informed.
"The uninvitable in pursuit of the indigestible," murmured Lord Illingworth.
"Those are Lord Illingworth, and Lord Henry Wotton. They always say exactly the same things. They are awfully clever, and cynical. Those two ladies talking together are known as Nora and Dora. ”

“ But I know a blunder is sometimes worse than a crime. The fact is, about the time I spoke at Castlerea, things were so bad in Ireland, the police so little hesitating to shoot, that I got mixed up in my dates, and remembered Mitchelstown when I was thinking about something else. ”

“ I have no hesitation in saying that if such language as he has favoured us with was uttered against a public man in any other community, in any other country, in any other hemisphere in the civilized globe, the audience would have risen in righteous indignation, and chased the cowardly aggressor back to the vile den from whose obscurity he would have done better never to emerge! ”

“ The front of the house is quite a "mask of flowers," which the Master of the Gray's Inn Revels, himself present in a gorgeous and awe-inspiring uniform, regards with a benign and appreciative smile. Interesting to note a number of ordinarily quiet and unobtrusive individuals, personally known to me as the mildest-mannered men, who now appear as the fiercest, and, on such a night, the hottest of warriors ”

“ Nay, Sir Steward, thou hast much misunderstood thy trust. The housing of the poor, rather than of the rich, is thy prime function. Attend first to this little list of Metropolitan Improvements, which cannot be unfamiliar to thine ears and eyes. ”

“ A large and utterly irreverent crowd is listening with cheerful intolerance to a Persevering Gentleman, of a highly respectable and almost scholarly appearance, who is addressing them from a three-legged stool on nothing in particular, though he has apparently committed himself by charging a certain Statesman with at least two political murders. ”

“ The lovers are only interrupted by the fall of the curtain, and there are no sleeping draughts, poisonings, or burials. It is a realisation of the line in The Critic, "In the Queen's name I charge you all to drop your swords and daggers!" ”

“ House of Commons, Monday, July 3.—The fat in the fire again. Who put it there? "I," said Joey C., "with my ready ladle; I swooped it in." So he did, lighting up with sudden flame embers that seemed quite dead. At end of speech on Wolmer's Amendment, seeing John Dillon sitting opposite, asked him what about few remarks made at Castlerea, in which he had threatened, when Irishmen came to their own on College Green, they would have police, sheriffs, and bailiffs, under their control, and would "remember" their enemies? ”

“ It is the shawl of a betrayed heroine in melodrama. There never was anything so hideous as your shawl!"
"Impertinence! To dare to speak to me like this! I'm the success of the season, and you were forbidden the country," said Charley's Aunt, furiously.
The second Mrs. Tanqueray here chimed in, giving her opinion, which did not add to the harmony of the gathering, and a secondary quarrel was going on, because Captain Coddington had said that the scent Comtesse Zicka used "was not quite up to date," and the latter was offended. In fact, there was a regular row all round. ”

“ Unionists rapturous round their Grand Old Man. The other side had Mr. G. with his fourscore years and four. Villiers of Wolverhampton topped him by seven years. Nearly carried him into division lobby shoulder high; beat hasty retreat after doing this last service to his country.
"Fact is, you know, Toby," he said, "I'm not quite the young fellow I used to be; can't stand the racket as was easy enough some sixty or seventy years ago. If they'll kindly excuse me, I'll go and take a walk with the crowd to see the illuminations in Piccadilly. ”

“ That proves they've found him out; they know him for the grovelling soaker he is, a wretch tottering on the verge of delirium tremens, and, rightly, they'll have nothing to do with him. It's very possible, gentlemen, that he may have rich relations in the place where most of us have rich relations—I refer to the workhouse! ”

“ But verily this matter is exceptional and urgent. "Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat;" and they who superintend the People's housing should surely themselves be adequately, not to say magnificently, housed. ”

“ Smart hits at somebody, and all that sort of thing.
Fourth P. Quite. Really better fun than the other sort of thing. Much better fun to have to listen to epigrams and all that sort of thing, than to have to follow something or other with interest. ”

“ We must preserve order.
And to do this we have only to observe "move on."
Parliamentary.—Change of name. Mr. Conybeare henceforth to be known as "Conybore," with the accent on the "bore."
TOO AWFUL TO CONTEMPLATE! A Confidence. After the Garden Party.
"Oh, such a dreadful Thing happened to Me! I went up to Lady Exe,—I had something very particular to say to her,—and I didn't see she was talking to one of the Royal Princes. Well, just fancy! I took no sort of Notice of him, but I just said what I had to say to her. ”