Various

“ THE PILFERER. To all Volapuk-speaking Folk.
There exists at this moment no institution which even aspires to be to the Volapuk-speaking world what We were whilst still We remained in Northumberland Street, and looked after things generally. The wise are few. The governing minds are never numerous. But We have one, and We have determined to expand it over a new Monthly Magazine. At the outset We, being, after all, human, were confronted by the difficulty of finding a title. ”

“ The Pilferer will not be a colourless reflection of public opinion for the time being. It will certainly not be a Party organ, and that for sufficient reason. Neither Party has at this moment any distinctive body of doctrine, any well-conceived system of faith, which would justify Us in labelling Our new monthly with a Party badge. Moreover than which, We have some reason to believe that neither Party, nor any subdivision of Party, particularly cares to be associated with Us. ”

“ There is not a street in London, nor a village in the country, which is not capable of producing, even at short notice, and under slight pressure, a man or a woman who will spend two hours a week, every week in the year, in more or less irksome voluntary exertion in order to sell the Pilferer. ”

“ Spinks my pet parrot, Penelope, for this performance?
Mrs. G. No, dear. I didn't know they ever played it with a parrot.
Lady S. Well, they don't usually, but Mr. Spinks told me that, after studying the piece very very carefully, he had come to the conclusion that there ought to be a parrot in Lady Shorthorn's drawing-room, and he begged me to lend him mine. Fortunately it scarcely ever talks. Oh, there's Mr. Penfold! How old he's getting to look. He never seems to have a good word to say for anyone in his critiques. They're very late in beginning. ”

“ We are the man who can interpret the best thought of his day in such a manner as to render it accessible to the general intelligence of Our age. We are the true Prophet of Our time, and We hope to make a modest profit out of Our new venture. ”

“ We go into this waste land to possess it. It is capable of being made to flourish as of old under the stimulating radiance of a great ideal, and the diligent and intelligent culture of one who, like Ourselves, has the capacity for direction. ”

“ So Cold-in-the-head had rather a bad time of it generally.
One day the feeble little Ailment was wandering aimlessly about in search of a resting-place, when it came upon an enormous establishment thronged with thousands of working-men. When the employés are described as "working-men," it is not, however, quite accurate, for at that moment they were not working.
"Why are you idle?" sneezed out little Cold-in-the-head in a tone of compassion. ”

“ What's more, I'm certain of it, for I distinctly recognised your voice in the parrot's.
Gushby. Pooh! nonsense! If I had taught it to say anything, it would have been something worse than that, you may be sure.
Spinks. You always were kind. As for Jarp, he was in the plot. Otherwise do you think any man could have made such a fool of himself?
In Front of the Curtain.
Lady Surbiton. That's what I've always said. There's so much esprit de corps and good feeling amongst Amateurs—none of that wretched jealousy and bickering which ruins professionals. ”

“ Sir,—I am in no way interested in the present pavement controversy, but I would direct public attention to the real source of all the mischief, and that is the ineffective shoeing of the unhappy horses, who are compelled to struggle with the difficulties created for them by a parcel of Paving Authorities. What we want is a general order issued by the Board of Trade obliging all horse-owners to provide those they possess with a couple of pairs of The Patent India-rubber frog and flannel-soled Horse-Shoes, warranted to support the most stumbling beast on any pavement whatever. ”

“ At one time of my life I wrote far too many articles to have much opinion of the ability required to produce them, or their value to anyone when produced. What I did write was much better than the general run of articles. Now I do not write, there is nothing in the Magazines. If you can get it out for nothing, and sell it for sixpence, you will do well.
Lord W-ls-l-y.
Ranger's House, Greenwich Park, S.E. Sunday.
Dear Mr. Pilferer,—In answer to your note, I have nothing to say of any interest. ”

“ Whistles up and down the scale. Much laughter. Spinks feels that violent measures are necessary if the piece is not to be utterly ruined. He perceives Jarp standing at the wings made up as Binns the Butler. A happy thought flashes on him. He nods meaningly at Jarp. ”

“ By the preaching of a man who energises the activity of the Church by the ideals of chivalry and the production of a Sixpenny Monthly, made up of pickings from other people's pockets. Visible in many ways is the decadence of the Daily Press since We left it. The Mentor of Young Democracy has abandoned philosophy, and stuffs the ears of his Telemachus with the skirts of Calypso's petticoats, the latest scandals of the Court, and the prurient purrings of abandoned womankind in places where you accept the unaccustomed cigar, and drink the unfamiliar champagne. ”

“ The Elderly Gentleman, smiling in the full conviction of having extricated himself from a difficult situation with consummate tact and diplomacy, goes off unsteadily in the direction of Piccadilly, accompanied by a suite of small boys who have kindly resolved to see him through any further adventures that may await his progress. The Cabman remains to discuss the affair at great length on the curbstone. ”

“ Shortly before Scene opens, an Elderly Gentleman has suddenly stopped the cab in which he has been driving, and, without offering to pay the fare, has got out and shuffled off with a handbag. The Cabman has descended from his seat and overtaken the old gentleman, who is now perceived to be lamentably intoxicated. The usual crowd springs up from nowhere, and follows the dispute with keen and delighted interest.
Cabman. Look 'ere, you ain't goin' not without payin' me, you know—where's my two shillings? ”

“ The American Republic we especially take under our wing (price of the Magazine in the United States 50 cents.) , whilst we work for the Empire, seek to strengthen it, to develop it, and, when necessary, to extend it. We believe in Ourselves, in England, and in Humanity. ”

“ Scene—Theatre Royal, Blankbury, on the first night of the performance of the well-known Comedy of "Heads or Tails?" by the "Thespian Perambulators." Time, 7:50 P.M. A "brilliant and fashionable assemblage" is gradually filling the house. In the Stalls are many distinguished Amateurs of both Sexes, including Lady Surbiton, who has brought her husband and Mrs. Gagmore (Lady Surbiton's particular friend) . The rest of the Stalls are occupied by the immediate friends and relations of the Actors. A few professional Critics are to be seen. ”

“ What are yer all lookin' at? (The Crowd, feeling this rebuke, move away some three paces, and then linger undecidedly.) 'Ere, Cabman, you've no right to lay 'old on that gentleman's bag—you know that as well as I do!
Cabman (somewhat mollified by this tribute to his legal knowledge, releases bag) . Well, he ain't got no right to ride in my keb, and do a guy, without paying nothink, 'as he?
Policeman. All I tell you is—you've no right to detain his bag.
Cabman. Let 'im pay me my legal fare, then—two shillings it is 'e owes me. I don't want to hinterfere with 'im, if he'll pay me. ”

“ We do not "hear them dancing in the hall," as used to happen when Henry Russell still filled the stage of the Concert Hall. But we have our mission, which is to hold the world straight, keep ourselves en évidence, and earn a modest living. ”

“ But what I like best is the putting on of the bands and surplice, the taking of the good book in the right hand, the uprising of the eyeballs, and the general trotting out of the loftiest principles, the purest motives, and the general welfare of our brother men. You are a regular wonner, old pal, and should do ”

“ This proposition was howled down, and the Chairman was again about to address the now somewhat quieted meeting, when a copy of an evening paper, announcing the declaration of war, and the simultaneous seizure of the British end of the Tunnel that morning by two hundred French troops, who had crossed from Boulogne by yesterday's evening Mail-boat, and had passed the night at Folkestone in disguise, was handed up on to the platform. ”

“ Of course, tradition demands that the ladies' parts should be played by professionals, but the introduction of a professional parrot and a professional baby in the First Act was a mistake, which might have ruined the performance. ”

“ Now, if they would develop the North of London, it would be more to the purpose. If they would run a road direct from Charing Cross to, say Zanzibar Terrace, Upper Kensal Green, West, it would really be of service to the public. ”

“ There might possibly be some stupid attempt of our own Government forces to seize upon and even damage, with a view to rendering the Tunnel useless, the works commanding this end of it. Should not a Volunteer Corps of Shareholders be at once organised— ("Hear! hear!") ”

“ Reform does not spell Ruin, lads. Remember Rowland Hill!!!" A CURIOUS CURE.
Dear Mr. Punch, January13, 1890.
So much attention is now bestowed upon the prevailing epidemic that I will not apologise for troubling you with a letter detailing a case that has recently come under my own notice. My eldest son, Augustus, returned home from the educational establishment admirably conducted by my eminent and reverend friend, Dr. Swishtale, apparently in excellent health and spirits, shortly before Christmas Day. ”

“ Mrs. Gagmore. It is delightful to listen to them, certainly. They all look and act like perfect gentlemen. All Mr. Jarp's Butlers are splendid. You can see at a glance that they have only been with good families.
Behind the Curtain.
Hon. B. Boldero. I fancy we shall have good notices to-morrow in the Morning Moonbeam. I saw Penfold laughing immensely.
Spinks (down on his luck) . Did you? (Plucking up a bit.) Well, it "went" capitally. It was only that blessed parrot. ”

“ Each has its particular attraction and appropriateness. But, having submitted the selection of titles for the consideration of some of the foremost men of letters, lawyers, soldiers, scientists, and divines of our time, with a request for an expression of their opinion, we decided upon the title which appears at the head of these few preliminary remarks. We are the Pilferer, price sixpence, published monthly ”

“ We must at once dispatch a deputation to make the best terms we can with the French General in command, for the transit of the one or two, or even three hundred thousand troops they propose to bring over. (Cheers.) Even if we get only an excursion fare out of them, it will be something. ”

“ Elderly Gentleman dives vaguely in a pocket, and eventually produces a threepenny bit, which he tenders magnificently.
Cabman. Thruppence ain't no good to me—two shillings is what I want out o' you—a florin—'j'ear me?
The E. G. (after another dive fishes up three halfpence) . Thash all you're 'titled, to—go 'way, go 'way!
Crowd (soothingly to Cabman) . 'E'll make it up in time—don't 'urry 'im.
Cabman. D' ye think I kin stand 'ere cooling my 'eels, while he's payin' me a 'apn'y every 'arf 'our? I've got my living to earn same as you 'ave! ”