W. Heath Robinson

“ After demolishing the chicken we played the most exciting games of dominoes until we were tired of them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then touch wood. And what could have been more refreshing than those cups of tea! And what more invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of cocoanut ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that we crunched between the games! And the songs and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-house to its rotting foundations! My word! ”

“ As higher and higher it climbed the sky, one by one there leapt from the earth beneath each stone an aged Druid all clothed in white, with long waving grey locks and beard, and crowned with garlands of oak leaves, holly, laurels, and mistletoe. When the circle of Druids was quite complete the old rascal who had lured me from my shop, and who now appeared to be their chief, stepped towards me, now far too bewildered and astounded to resist, and solemnly placed upon my brow a wreath of wild violets. ”

“ On the centre of the floor was piled a great heap of children's toys,—tin trumpets, wooden horses, drums, hoops, skipping-ropes, rocking-horses, peg-tops, in fact, every conceivable toy that a sensible child could wish for. Around this great heap, instead of children, sat all the poor miserable old men I had seen enter the barrel, and amongst them I now perceived my husband, who certainly seemed no happier than the rest. ”

“ Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal robes, except for one short hour in the morning to perform ablutions in the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown. Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert. ”

“ Why should you, who are maybe blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowed oyster of her only consolation since the death of her husband? A heart of rock would have melted at the cries of your victim, but you, ungenerous, can have no heart at all, and entirely drag the name of whelk through the mud. ”

“ But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. ”

“ Though anxious enough to continue their journey, all the army awaited with great patience the pleasure of the old sportsman. At length Knut, who had been eagerly watching the King for some time, as he frisked about the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could not restrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal joined in the sport, then Quentin, then Noah, then Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chase become, soon all the force were frantically running about the fields with the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by the carriage and darned his old stockings. ”

“ The eagles took the whole thing very seriously and, flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky in their eagerness to begin; and all the other guests, the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos, the storks, the flamingoes, the wild cats, the pelicans, the wild geese, the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal contributing to the general noise, there was such an awful din that the snake could only obtain silence by using the thin end of his long body as a flail on the drum-like sides of the elephant. ”

“ Bill now waited a very long time before the wicket opened again, and in the meantime his poor comrades, nearly overcome with their fatigue and their hunger, had set up their camp before the walls and prepared their breakfast, after eating which not one of them was able to keep his eyes open a moment longer, and all fell fast asleep before their fires. Even the old King dozed off and snored peacefully in his tent, forgetting, for the first time in twenty-four hours, the sticks of liquorice, upon the enjoyment of which he had so much set his heart. ”

“ The lions and tigers rolled on their backs in the grass, in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives: the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so violently that they could hardly support their own huge bulks and leant against one another to prevent themselves coming down with a crash; such a great lump had risen in the throat of the giraffe as quite distorted his otherwise graceful neck; while the monkeys gibbered and blubbered tearfully to themselves, and the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into a trance. ”

“ Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels, with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. ”

“ Now it happened one morning, about this time, that the gates, to every one's surprise, were thrown open, and a messenger, with a flag of truce, came forth. The poor fellow looked hungry enough, indeed, yet the Merchant's Wife roughly seized upon the famished creature, much to his annoyance, and brought him to the general. Bill, hoping that he had come with an offer from the King of Persia to surrender the city, joyfully handed the young man a chair and a biscuit, and, before allowing him to speak, insisted on his eating a bowl of hot porridge. ”

“ The King's excitement knew no bounds and, after distributing amongst his followers the contents of his pocket, he insisted on climbing out of his chariot, and giving each of his officers in turn a ride therein. Having travelled some little way, the King suddenly called a halt, and held up his hand for silence, and then, in the clear air, could be heard the bells of Troy! More excited than ever, the King now took off his crown, and removing some of the jewels with the pen-knife which Bill had presented to him on his birthday, gave one to each of his chief officers. ”

“ WHEN the Sicilian Char-woman had finished the narration of her truly wonderful experiences, and while the army were yet applauding her, the King stepped down from his chair, and taking the good woman by the hand, explained to her the object of their great expedition. 'And now,' said the astute old monarch in conclusion, 'powerful as we undoubtedly are, and as you can see for yourself that we are, we have yet one weakness, and that weakness is, that we cannot boast of a single char-woman of any description within our ranks. ”

“ I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS
beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised, made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is that I fell from my position right on to the table. Both my aunt and the maid fainted at once quite away, and the timid green-toed button crane of Baraboo was in such a terrible flutter that in its excitement it snapped the slender gold chain that held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost to view. ”

“ Nestling amongst its stone-capped hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind nature as a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and such indeed it proved to be, for no more kindly and genial souls than the Troutpegsters could be found. ”

“ However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. ”

“ Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those sweet memories!
'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every evening. With drooping head, and visibly quaking with awe, he gradually crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face, writhing at my feet. ”

“ Seated in a circle on the grass beneath the trees, the good souls enjoyed to the full the simple fare before them, and then, after once more cheering the old monarch, retired to their tents to sleep, and to dream of the morrow in store for them.
Next morning, with the exception of the old King, who intended to rest and remain in bed all day, every one was up betimes. After a hearty meal, Bill explained to them all the dangers of the great forest, and the necessity of returning to camp at dusk. ”

“ STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS
Bill alone of the whole force remained awake, and waited and waited, and as he stood before the gates of the little town, the noise within grew louder and louder until there was a terrific hub-bub within the walls. At last the wicket opened and the face of the respectable Mayor appeared in the little opening, but so altered that at first Bill hardly recognised his good host of the day before, so upset and disturbed did he seem. ”

“ Strange to say the contents of the tin had not diminished by so much as a single pinch, and such a fit of sneezing seized the old scoundrel that he rolled on the grass in the greatest distress, quite unable to put the usual spell upon me. All the other Druids, with abject terror expressed on their faces, sank at once into the ground. The form of the head Druid, sneezing and sneezing and sneezing, gradually faded away before my eyes, and long after he had completely disappeared the sneezing could still be heard. ”

“ THERE GREW IN FRONT OP ME A GREAT MOUND
again, he soon jumped down, and I dodged him in and out of the stones for at least three hours by the church clock, and then weary and utterly dejected I sat me down on a stone in the centre of the ring and wept bitterly. Directly beneath me I could see, through my tears, the lights of our little town shine out here and there from the gathering darkness, while over the hills, away to my left, the edge of the full red moon began to show. ”

“ The old snake, however, did not recover as quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened from his trance, he could see that all the others had vanished, and that I was lying on the grass, quite unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet, returned to my side. "Ha, ha!" said he to himself, his savage nature having returned in all its force, "what a slice of luck! By gum! I never see such a beauty. Won't the youngsters be just delighted!" ”

“ Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. ”

“ Yet none were able to help me in the quest I had so much at heart.
'At last I returned to Sicily without the clove kernels, and, too ashamed to appear before the Leanmuffins without the completed prescription, I wandered about the island in despair, resting at night in the caves of the mountains, satisfying the cravings of my hunger on the hard dry leaves of the cactus. ”

“ So our intelligent and resourceful mother and father decided, after much deliberation with the family solicitor, and the vicar of the parish, that Blaura should succeed to the title and all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdripping when she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the same time, Mellinid should become the owner of Blowdripping Hall, with its priceless collections of pictures, old china, fossils and foreign stamps, and Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park, in which the Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its herds of hedgehogs, elands and gnu. ”

“ Our anxious mother, in a state of alarm, lit a great fire and, after making him take a bowl of steaming fish gruel, with his feet at the same time in a bath of hot sea-water, she sent him to bed, and covered him up with as many fish skins as she could spare from the house. The next day he was decidedly worse, and our anxiety increased day by day as he showed no signs of improvement. Very soon, with no one to replenish our larder, our stores began to run low, and starvation stared us in the face. ”

“ In the morning every one awoke in the best of spirits, and brimful of the many things they had to tell of the happy time they had spent the day before. The old monarch seemed much refreshed for his long rest, and before sitting down to breakfast every one in turn went up to him and shook the happy old boy by the hand, wishing him many happy returns, after which they all sat down and enjoyed a substantial breakfast. ”

“ The lobster in his turn, seeing the conger approach, at once understood that the affair was all off and left his little cave by the back door as conger entered by the front, and made for the place where he knew he would find the crab, arguing to himself thus:—"At any rate, the crab will make an excellent supper to which I have every right; for after all, as I have before remarked, business is business, and he will certainly be unable to fulfil his obligations." ”

“ On opening the door I nearly fainted in my horror, for whom should I behold but the King of Persia and all his court, and as far as the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up by the morning sun, staring intently at the shed. ”

“ The Boy Scout practised scouting by continually losing his patron and then finding him again, while the Respectable Gentleman himself kept his respectability in hand by behaving most politely to all the trees of the forest,—raising his hat to the silver-birches, leaving his card on the ash-trees, introducing a hornbeam to a blackthorn, apologising to the thistles for treading on their lower leaves, and, in fact, behaving like the perfect gentleman he was, and having a really enjoyable day. ”

“ Possessed with the idea that their pursuers were in much greater force than they really were, the scared wretches made for the gates of the city, out of which they ran as hard as they could. Bill, the General, wisely allowed them to pass through his lines, which they did in the maddest terror, and then fled far away over the plain, as the besieging forces once more closed in around the city. ”