various contributors

“ Dear Sir,—I am in receipt of your letter, but I would beg to refer you to your lease. You will find it there expressly stipulated that you shall insure in some office of repute in London or Westminster to be approved of in writing by the Lessors. In these circumstances you will no doubt be persuaded of the desirability of sending me the premium forthwith, in order to effect an insurance which has your Lessors' approval. It possible that the office you name would give you credit for so much of is the premium as is proportionate to the risk unexpired. ”

“ The fingers flew through their complicated task and the web seemed to grow visibly.
"Haven't you both," I said, "done about enough? Talk about mufflers! In my day a muffler was something a man wore round his neck; but your mufflers would serve to clothe a whole platoon from head to heel with something left over. Benevolence is all very well, but you shouldn't overdo it. There isn't a soldier alive who wouldn't trip over your mufflers. Think of him tripped up by a muffler and caught by a German." ”

“ You men know I'm by way of being a financial authority. Well, who wants financial advice nowadays? I give you my word of honour I've sold nothing since the war began except half-a-dozen articles on the weakness of Germany's financial position. If it is anything like my financial position the war won't last long. ”

“ Another suggestion is that a sepecial Veterans' Wing should be formed, which, instead of marching, would go out at the week-ends with a couple of cement-hounds and look for cement foundations. It is felt that the work would be useful and yet not too active. It is in the same spirit that we discuss what will be done with the Corps. as a whole when the Germans arrive. The pessimistic view is that we shall be immediately interned by the War Office, to keep us out of trouble. Others, more hopeful, think that we might be kept for "exchanges," in case the enemy make any notable captures. ”

“ Without a word the intruder produced a revolver and levelled it at Carmichael. Caught like a rat in a trap, the latter, after a moment's hesitation, handed over the despatches and leaned back with an expression of bitter despair.
"It is Raymond Blütherski!" he gasped when he was again alone. "I am ruined!"
Chapter II.
There was not an instant to be lost. Dashing down the steps of the Foreign Office, Carmichael leapt into the waiting motor and shouted hoarsely to the driver. A moment later the car was disappearing rapidly down the street. ”

“ When our two soldiers wear them we hope they will feel that there is a little magic in them as well as a great deal of warmth. There is love knitted into them and admiration and gratitude, and there are quiet thoughts of beautiful English country-sides and happy homes which our soldiers are helping to guard for us, though they are far away. ”

“ As a critic, he cannot plead in extenuation the dictum of Disraeli that critics are those who have failed in Literature and Art. He has written several successful plays, was English editor of L'Art, was among the founders of the New Gallery, and remains established as one of our best after-dinner speakers. Of such is the kingdom of Bohemia. From these various sources he draws a stream of reminiscence that runs pleasantly through many pages. The only drawback to the delight with which I read them arose from the circumstance that the volume was uncut. ”

“ Within twenty-four hours of completing his fortifications he was sailing for India.
We all contemplate that time when our valises shall be, unhappily, no longer with us. The odd things we must still have are: towel, razor, soap, shaving soap, shaving brush, tooth-brush, extra bows, socks and so-on's, mess-tin, knife, fork, spoon, revolver, ammunition, compass, clasp-knife, field-service pocket-book, note-books, sketching-books, lamp, flask, bandages, mug and house-wife. ”

“ I said. "You really are getting on to-day. A week ago I thought you'd never get finished, and now———" I waved my hand encouragingly at the two heaps of wool-work.
"There," said Helen, "you've made me drop one."
"Pick it up again," I said with enthusiasm. "What were girls made for if not to pick up dropped stitches? But tell me," I added, "what would happen if you didn't pick it up?"
"My soldier," said Helen gloomily, "would go into the trenches and, instead of having a muffler, he would suddenly find himself coming undone all over him. Do you think he would like that?" ”

“ American rights would have been worth quite as much. Touring companies in the provinces, Colonial rights, translation rights—why, I should have made ten thousand—no, in business matters one must be accurate—say, twenty thousand. ”

“ So little of you is the enemy, so much the friend, that I don't care to take the responsibility of arresting you. But perhaps I ought to resign. Come and have a sandwich, I've just time for one, and we can talk it over."
"Right," he said, "we may as well. By the way, it was my grandparents on my mother's side who were French and German." Then, producing his warrant card, he said, "I am a Special too. My name's Briggs."
Some of our Soldiers, who were within seventy yards of the German trenches, hoisted an improvised target. The Germans did the same. ”

“ Policy No. 3,262,854.
Dear Sir,—I regret that owing to my absence in Scotland the safe receipt of this policy was not sooner acknowledged. But I still more regret to have to inform you that the insured premises were totally destroyed by fire at a late hour last night, the cause of ignition being ascribed to the caretaker's habit of smoking in bed. Whilst sympathising with you in your loss, I find, on reference to my lease, that I am under covenant to reinstate them as speedily as possible. ”

“ England, in despair, then decided that a supreme effort must be made, and began to arm and mobilize. The art faction got hold of Sir Edward Grey—nobbled him, as you say. It was upon learning of this treacherous preparation and its dastardly motive, that our sublime Kaiser took the action he did. I say it with conviction, there would have been no war but for England's mad desire to possess again the Leonardo wax bust.'
"'But what about the violation of Belgium?' I asked.
"'Ah!' he said darkly. 'It was England's intention to march through Belgium to Berlin to get the bust. ”

“ Paul's Cathedral and Westminster Abbey should be covered over with dark cloths every night, and that shoddy reproductions of these edifices should be run up in another part of London, and be brilliantly illuminated so as to attract the attention of the enemy. ”

“ It is in the other corner of the smoke-room that the Cheering-Up Association meets. There we all come and relate our business troubles and listen to the troubles of our friends. It is wonderful how consoling other people's troubles are. ”

“ On board the liner which had been responsible both for the collision and the rescue, Raymond Blütherski, sinister figure, was seen to leave his cabin and disappear down the corridor. An instant later Carmichael and Capperton entered stealthily. With quick cat-like movements the detective pushed open the doer and tip-toed into the cabin. ”

“ Among other items being produced at the Ambassadors' Theatre by an Anglo-Franco-Belgian company is "My Lady's Undress." A contemporary describes this as "a good take-off."
"English submarine after a rude battle drowned the German Ship Heine."
This is from The Bahia Blanca Times (the only foreign paper we take in) , and shows how the news gets about.
The Daily News quotes the Berlin Taegliche Rundschau as follows:—
"Germany and Holland... are neighbours of ethnological affinity and united by numerous commercial and intellectual bombs."
Even the bombs in Germany are cultured. ”

“ In F Company as now constituted it runs: "Angus, have you seen my pull-through anywhere?" "No, Gerald, I have not." "You are sure you haven't taken it by mistake?" "I assure you I have not; but, if you want a pull-through, I am sure Clement would not mind your borrowing his temporarily."
Among our last draft of recruits was a newly-joined officer who had been at the military business before. What he liked about us was that we are Territorials, immune from this new "platoon" system. "I like people," he said, "who call half a company a half-company." ”

“ No one could tell you. Day after day Englishmen, disguised even as German gentlemen, thronged the museum, all asking the way to the bust. We were continually on our guard. Attendants patrolled the room day and night. ”

“ It has been pointed out that the War has had a most satisfactory effect on criminality. And even in civil actions witnesses would seem to be turning over a new leaf, and even insisting on giving evidence against themselves. For example, we learn from The Northwood Gazette that a van driver, charged the other day with damaging a motorcar, said in cross-examination:—"I pulled up about fifteen years after the accident happened." ”

“ Coasting Bohemia is the attractive title of a series of essays upon men and matters by Mr. Comyns Carr, issued in a portly volume published by Macmillan. During the last forty years Mr. Carr, eminently a clubbable man, has made the acquaintance and enjoyed the friendship of a galaxy of painters, authors and actors. He was equally at home with Millais, Alma-Tadema, Rosetti, Burne-Jones, Whistler, George Meredith, Henry Irving and Arthur Sullivan. A shrewd observer, quick in sympathy, apt in characterisation, he has much that is interesting and informing to say of each. ”

“ In contemplating the present season's output of fiction I have been impressed by the number of novels that might apparently have been written with an eye to the conditions that attended their publication. Which, unless one credits our romancers with much further sight than is commonly supposed to be their portion, is absurd. ”

“ What else can one eliminate? The only thing is to reform one's life and learn to be a pantechnicon; one may also, with a little ingenuity, use one's clothes to serve a double purpose. I have only got as far as evolving a scheme for tying up all the outlets of my breeches and then filling them with air, so that one leg makes a bolster and the other a pillow—two articles which, you will observe, were omitted from the inventory. ”

“ My platoon had got together some-how, and murmurs came to us from the platoons behind us. You know how quickly a rumour will run through a company. Such a rumour now ran through ours. It went from man to man ”

“ There's an amusing scene when Burton's chief, a thoroughly resourceful specimen of his tribe, cries down, under the same mysterious influence, the pseudo-antiques he is selling, and so intrigues his old friends the dealers that, with a curious naïveté, they make absurdly high bids in the belief that the auctioneer is up to some profitable little game. ”

“ So we talk, but at heart we take it seriously; and very seriously and gratefully we take the real soldiers who give up their time to teach us, and do not seem to think that that time will be altogether wasted.
A. A. M.
MISTAKEN POLICY.
"Thorny Bank."
Dear Sir,—I am directed to give you notice that the Vesuvius-Fire Insurance Co., Ltd. has lately acquired the freehold of these premises and desires to have the insurance against loss or damage by fire transferred to itself. The premium, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per cent. on their value, is fifteen shillings. ”

“ There are, of course, always pessimists among us, but we would beg the editor of The Barmouth and County Advertiser to try not to be downhearted. Impressed, no doubt, by the recent sale of two German warships to Turkey, he gives voice to the following opinion in a leader:—"Our Fleet to-day is supreme; but no one knows when an auction may take place..."
⁂
It has suddenly become more imperative than ever that the War should be finished quickly. ”

“ To this the War Office replied that they were in receipt of our favour, thanked us for our kind patronage, assured us of their immediate attention to our esteemed commands on this and all occasions, and begged (positively begged) to be allowed to remain our obedient servants. ”

“ There would indeed seem to be good grounds for Germany's displeasure, for a gentleman just returned from Budapest ways that the Hungarian Minister of the Interior has actually issued an official circular to the mayors and prefects throughout the land enjoining upon them the duty of treating citizens of hostile states sojourning in their midst with humanity and sympathy. ”

“ Punch begs to invite his readers to help the kind people of Holland on whom the care of so many Belgian refugees has fallen. Contributions will be gladly received by the International Women's Relief Committee (Miss Chrystal Macmillan, Treasurer) , 7, Adam Street, Adelphi, W.C.
Scene: A Recruiting Station in Ireland. In order not to lose a stalwart recruit who happens to be under the standard height measurement the examining officer makes a brilliant suggestion to Sergeant O'Flanagan—
—which suggestion Sergeant O'Flanagan carries out with a highly satisfactory result. ”