Josiah Allen

“ I never see a sharper, more worrysome “why” in my vihull life than that “why” was. But I kep’ cool, and says I in calm tones:
“Because there has; Folks always have prefaces, Josiah.”
“What makes ’em have ’em? there’s the dumb of it. What makes ’em?”
Says I mekanically,—for a stiddy follerin’ of duty has made reprovin’ my pardner in times of need, a second or third nature to me—“stop swearin’ to once, Josiah Allen! ”

“ I stopped stun still, leggo of his arm, and turned right round and faced my pardner. “Licence the Sentinal, Josiah Allen!” says I.
“Yes,” says he, “they be, and they are tryin’ hard not to have no Sunday neither.”
“A tryin’ to have the Sentinal not keep Sunday?”
“Yes,” says he.
Says I firmly, “Who is the man to go to, to advise the Nation through in this matter? Never! never! did my mission as a Advisor soar up before me more promiscously. Who is the man Josiah Allen?”
Says Josiah, “I have heerd that Gen. Hawley is the head one. But it haint his doin’s; he has been tewed at, night and day.” ”

“ And Tirzah Ann has had cancers; and childern; and consumptions; and has been eloped with; and drownded in the canal, night after night; but good land! in the mornin’ the childern was all right. The sunshine would shine into my heart like the promises in the Bible to them that try to bring up their childern in the fear of the Lord; and I could lay holt of them promises and feel first rate.
And Josiah Allen! I s’pose I have buried that man as many times as he has got hairs on his head, (he is pretty bald) when he’d have a cold or anything. ”

“ Says Josiah: "You are jest as liable to be killed in one place as another."
Says I, with a almost frigid air as I passed him his coffee, "Mebee I shall be drounded on dry land, Josiah Allen, but I don't believe it."
Says he, in a complainin' tone: "I can't get you started onto a exertion for pleasure anyway." ”

“ He knew well what a gloom it would cast over the Sentinal if I wasn’t there, a shadder that would spread (as you may say) from pole to pole. Josiah Allen knew all about it; he knew well how I had lotted on makin’ a martyr of myself in the cause of Right and Wimmen, and here he had to baulk in the harness. Truly, men are as contrary creeters as the earth affords, when they are a mind to be. Every married woman will join with me in sayin’, that there are moments in married life, when mules seem to be patterns of yieldin’ sweetness and obligin’ness compared with lawful pardners. ”

“ The ground is kinder soft and spongy, and you can do it,” says I. “Where did he go to last from here?”
“Down to Philander Daggets'es, to carry home his plow.”
“That angel man!” says I.
“That angel fool!” says Josiah. “Who asked him to go?”
Says I, “When a man gets too good for earth, there is other ways to translate him besides chariots of fire. Who knows but what he has fell down in a fit! And do you go this minute, Josiah Allen, and foller his tracks!”
“I sha'n't foller nobody's tracks, Samantha Allen, till I have sunthin' to eat.” ”

“ And I sez to him, “Hain’t you glad you didn’t sell your mittens and comforter, Josiah?”
And he sez, real snappish, “I wouldn’t be a fool!”
And I sez, “I didn’t mean no hurt, Josiah,” and I added further, as I clapped my hands together to warm ’em, “We are both sufferers, Josiah Allen.”
“Wall,” sez he, “when we get into the house it will be different. Then we can give it a fair test.”
And I sez, a-glancin’ at the empty coal-ben,—
“A-comin’ up from the suller.” ”

“ I had jest as lives be called too loose, as too tight. And you know,”—says I in reasonable tones, “you know Josiah Allen, that we have got to be called sunthin’ by ’em, anyway. We have got money out at interest, and we are goin’ down the hill of life, and if we can go down any easier in a top buggy, I don’t see why we shouldn’t have it to go in.”
So finally after considerable urgin’, I got Josiah 218headed towards Jonesville after a top buggy. And I and the Widder Doodle kep’ watch to the winder all day, expectin’ to see the new buggy a comin’ home with Josiah ”

“ But I had a feelin' that Josiah Allen wuz, as you may say, my lawful prey. I felt that I had a right to question my own pardner for the good of his own soul, and my piece of mind.
And I sez to him in solemn axents:
“Josiah Allen, what time will you get when you are fairly started on your buzz saw, for domestic life, or social, or for religious duties?”
And Josiah sez, “Dumb 'em! I guess a man is a goin' to make money when he has got a chance.” ”

“ I felt that I wuz jest as good as they wuz, if they wuz so haughty. But Josiah wantin’ to make himself agreeable to ’em (he hankers after gettin’ into high society) , he took off his hat and bowed low to ’em, before he got out, and sez he, “I am proud to know you, sir,” and tried to shake hands with him. But the man rejected his overtoors and looked perfectly wooden, and oninterested. A big-feelin’, high-headed creeter. Josiah Allen is as good as he is any day. And I whispered to him and sez, “Don’t demean yourself by tryin’ to force your company onto them any more.” ”

“ And so I told Josiah the next mornin', for I thought I would tackle the subject at once. And he says,—
“What do you want to weep on his tomb for, Samantha, at this late day?”
Says I, “The day of love and gratitude never fades into night, Josiah Allen: the sun of gratitude never goes down; it shines on that tomb to-day jest as bright as it did in 1800.”
“Wall, wall! go and weep on it if you want to. But I'll bet half a cent that you'll cry onto the ice-house, as I've heard of other wimmen's doin'. Wimmen don't see into things as men do.” ”

“ I a standin’ there erect and firm on the stoop, with my table cloth on my left arm and earnestness on my eyebrow, and he half bent, a grindin’ away on that old jack knife, with obstinacy on his brow, a tellin’ me in a blind mysterious way that he had his reasons and wouldn’t tell ’em. Oh! how offish and strange men will act. Truly, truly, doth the poet observe, “that men are wild, and have their spells.”
There Josiah Allen had acted to the Debatin’-school all up in arms about goin’. He knew the nation would expect me to be present. ”

“ And his eyes stood out from 1⁄4 to a 1⁄2 a inch in surprise and horrer.
“Yes,” says I, “you’ll find, Josiah Allen, that take it right along from day to day, and from year to year, 92that there are worse creeters to neighbor with than Peace, and Quiet, and Repose.”
“Dummit! scare a man to death, will you?”
Says I: “Stop swearin’ to once, Josiah Allen, and instantly!”
My mean was lofty and scareful, and he stopped. But he went on in a firm and obstinate axent: “I am determined to fix up that house and rent it. Wimmen can’t see into business. They haint got the brains for it. ”

“ But Josiah Allen's wife hain't one to desert a companion in distress. I pinned 'em up as well as I could, and I didn't say a word to hurt his feelin's, only I jest said this to him, as I was fixin' 'em—I fastened my gray eye firmly, and almost sternly onto him, and says I:
"Josiah Allen, is this pleasure?" Says I, "You was determined to come."
"Throw that in my face agin, will you? What if I was? There goes a pin into my leg! I should think I had suffered enough without your stabbin' of me with pins."
"Wal, then, stand still, and not be a-caperin' round so. ”

“ But I was calm and peaceful, knowin’ the table-cloth was on, and Josiah would act first-rate. And then, when a tempest is a howlin’ and a actin’ out-doors, it seems as if I enjoy more than ever the safety and sweet repose and happiness of my own hearth-stun (which last is a poetical simely, our hearth not bein’ stun at all, but iron, with a nickel platin’ round it) .
Wall, there I sot, feelin’ well and lookin’ well. I had combed my hair slick, and put on a clean gingham dress,—when Josiah Allen opened the door and walked in. ”

“ I declare for’t, it give me such feelin’s that I spoke right out to Josiah, and my tones sounded low and awful, for I heerd ’em unbeknown to me.
Says I, “Josiah Allen, what feelin’s it makes me feel to see folks strain so, and hang back from eatin’ a gnat, and then swaller a elephant and a rinosterrous and a drumedary.” Says I, “When a poor man in the case of sickness steals a onion and a codfish, he is called a thief and a robber ”

“ I catched almost wildly at the massive table to try to save myself, and I’ll be hanged if that didn’t give way and spilte on my 300hands, as you may say; it tottled and fell right over onto me; and then I see it was made of rough shackly boards, but upholstered with a gorgeous red and yeller cotton spread, like the chair; they both looked splendid. I gathered myself up, and righted the table murmurin’ to myself, “Put not your trust in princes, nor turkey red calico, Josiah Allen’s wife; set not down upon them blindly, lest you be wearied and faint in your mind, and lame in your body.” ”

“ And then Josiah hollered up and asked me if I was a dumb fool, and twitted me how hauty and overbearin’ Solomon had been to wimmen, how he had looked down on me and acted.
But says I calmly, “Josiah Allen, you have lived with me month after month, and year after year, and you don’t seem to realize the size and heft of the principles I am a carryin’ round with me, no more than if you never see me a performin’ with ’em on a tower. Rememberance of injuries, ridicule, nor Josiah 553can’t put up no bars accrost the path of Right high enough to stop Samantha. She is determined and firm ”

“ Brother Minkley jest that minute sent in word that he was ready, and to hurry up, for the colts wouldn’t stand. (He had hired a neighborin’ team.) And so we two wimmen, sister Minkley and I started home from ’lection.
I don’t know as I ever see Josiah Allen in any 185better spirits, than he was, as we started off on our tower homewards. He had been to the clothin’ store and bought him a new Sentinal neck-tie, red, white and blue. It was too young for him by forty years, and I told him so; but he said he liked it the minute he sot his eyes on it, it was so dressy. That man is vain. ”

“ And Josiah sez in a real mean axent—
“Good reason for that! the sun never rises on’t—it can’t go down where it hain’t riz! I hain’t seen a ray of sunshine sence I come to England!”
Thinkses I, “Dressed or ondressed, I’ve got to interfere,” and I hollered out agin, “Josiah—Josiah Allen!” And he see in my axent a need of haste.
And he come into the room, and I sez—
“Don’t run down a man’s country on a empty stumick, when it is as dark as pitch.”
And he sez, “Then I can’t run it at all.” His axent wuz pitiful. ”

“ And he says, “It hain't always best to tell what you think. I hain't obleeged to,” says he.
And I says, “No. As the poet saith, nobody hain't obleeged to use common sense unless they have got it;” and I says, in a meanin' tone, “No, I can't obleege you to tell me.”
Wall, sure enough, the next day, jest as quick as he got that lumber drawed up to the house, Josiah Allen dressed up, and sot off for Jonesville, and come home at night as tickled a man as I ever see, if not tickleder.
And he says, “Now what do you think, Samantha Allen? Now what do you think about my ridin' on that pass?” ”

“ I never seen a meachener lookin’ vest than hisen, as I went on:
“I’d talk Josiah Allen about men bein’ so pure-minded, and honest. I’d talk about wimmens bein’ whifflin’ and their minds not stabled. I’d talk about the purity of the pole. I’d love to see Josiah Allen’s wife buyin’ votes; bribin’ Miss Gowdey or sister Minkley away from the paths of honesty and virtue, with a petticoat or a bib apron. I’d love to see George Washington offerin’ his jack knife to Patrick Henry to get him to vote his ticket; or Benjamin Franklin, or Thomas Jefferson sellin their votes for store clothes. ”

“ And he said (I mistrust his corns ached worse than common, or sunthin’) , he said, he didn’t see as it wuz any better-natured than Jonesville or Loontown.
And I sez, “Yes it is, Josiah Allen.” Sez I, folks are happier here and more generous, the rich ones seem inclined to help them that need help to a little comfort and happiness. Jest as I have always said, Josiah Allen. When folks are happy, they are more inclined to do good.” ”

“ And I made a vow, then and there (inside of my mind) , that I wouldn’t 104say a word to Josiah Allen on the subject, not if they borrowed us out of house and home. Thinkses I, I can stand it as long as he can; if they spile our things, he has got to pay for new ones; if they waste our property, he has got to lose it; if they spile our comfort, he’s got to stand it as well as I have; and, knowin’ the doggy obstinacy of his sect, I considered this great truth, and acted on it, that the stiller I kep’, and the less I said about ’em, the quicker he’d get sick of ’em ”

“ That wuz a likely thing to do, Josiah Allen, and it raises a man more in my estimation when he’s doin’ sech things as that, than to set up in a political high chair, and have a lot of dirty hands clapped, and beery breaths a cheerin’ him on up the political arena.”
“Oh wall,” sez Josiah, “the doin’s in them woods is enough to make anybody a dumb lunatick. The crazyest lookin’ lot of stuff I ever set eyes on.” ”

“ And though never, never, did a war-horse look so prancin’ and dangerous 411to me, and never did spurs look so heavy and sharp and tejus to my achin’ heels, yet Josiah Allen’s wife is not one to turn her back to Duty’s call—no, my desire to battle with the wrong, my martyrous spirit curbed me in and let me hear him talk.
And he went on to tell me that in the first place he wanted to lay before me the rise, progress, and glory of the Mormon Church. Says he, “In the first place, you know, mum, that God made a distinct revelation to us. Our bible was found written on plates of gold. ”