W. S. Gilbert

“ Ah, it's a thousand pities he's such a poor opinion of himself, for a finer fellow don't walk! Well, I'll do my best for him. "Plead for him as though it was for your own father"—that's what my heart's a-remarkin' to me just now. But here she comes! Steady! Steady it is! (Enter Rose—he is much struck by her.) By the Port Admiral, but she's a tight little craft! Come, come, she's not for you, Dick, and yet—she's fit to marry Lord Nelson! By the Flag of Old England, I can't look at her unmoved. ROSE. Sir, you are agitated— RICH. Aye, aye, my lass, well said! ”

“ ERN. You won't be haunted much longer. The law must be on its last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to life again—resume all my social and civil functions, and claim my darling as my blushing bride! JULIA. Oh—then you haven't heard? ERN. My love, I've heard nothing. How could I? There are no daily papers where I come from. JULIA. Why, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and now he's Grand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century! ERN. What! But you're not serious—you're only joking! JULIA. My good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don't chaff bogies. ”

“ Why did five-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your grass-plot last autumn? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Why did five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond? Don't tell me it was the gold-fish! No, no—delays are dangerous, and if we are to marry, the sooner the better. DUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS. PHYLLIS. None shall part us from each other, One in life and death are we: All in all to one another— I to thee and thou to me! BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower— Thou the idol; I the throng— Thou the day and I the hour— Thou the singer ”

“ A Sassenach chief may be bonily built,
He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt;
Stick a skeän in his hose—wear an acre of stripes—
But he cannot assume an affection for pipes.
Clonglockety’s pipings all night and all day
Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay;
The girls were amused at his singular spleen,
Especially Ellen M‘Jones Aberdeen,
“Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad,
With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad.
If you really must play on that cursed affair,
My goodness! play something resembling an air.” ”

“ Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you. (Ruth rises) RUTH: The two words were so much alike! FREDERIC: They were. They still are, though years have rolled over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation ceases. Individually, I love you all with affection unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a disgust that amounts to absolute detestation. Oh! pity me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself bound to devote myself heart and soul to your extermination! ALL: Poor lad — poor lad! ”

“ But here, on the Hot Cross Bun, it was “How do you do, my dear?”
When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big big D—
But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild “Dear me!”
Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could scarcely call them slick:
Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick;
And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair,
They spent more time than a sailor should on his back back hair.
They certainly shivered and shook when ordered aloft to run,
And they screamed when Lieutenant Belaye discharged his only gun. ”

“ SIR M. No high-born exacting beauty Blazing like a jewelled sun— But a wife who'll do her duty, As that duty should be done! MRS. P. I'm no saucy minx and giddy— Hussies such as them abound— But a clean and tidy widdy Well be-known for miles around! DR.D. All the village now have mated, All are happy as can be— I to live alone am fated: No one's left to marry me! ENSEMBLE. She will tend him etc. (Exeunt Sir Marmaduke, Mrs. Partlet, and Aline, with Alexis. Dr. Daly looks after them sentimentally, then exits with a sigh.) ”

“ You are a lucky fellow, sir—a very lucky fellow! ALEXIS Father, I am welling over with limpid joy! No sicklying taint of sorrow overlies the lucid lake of liquid love, upon which, hand in hand, Aline and I are to float into eternity! SIR M. Alexis, I desire that of your love for this young lady you do not speak so openly. You are always singing ballads in praise of her beauty, and you expect the very menials who wait behind your chair to chorus your ecstasies. It is not delicate. ALEXIS Father, a man who loves as I love— SIR M. Pooh pooh, sir! ”

“ It seems that she's a fairy From Andersen's library, And I took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary! PEERS. We took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary! QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble, You may tremble! CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us, Is tremendous! LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling, Doom appalling! QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it, And he shall wreak it! (Indicating Strephon.) PEERS. Oh, spare us! QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay— Flocks and herds that bleat and low ”

“ And when he's of age, If he will, I'll engage, He may capture the heart of a queen, the heart of a queen! ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will. But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill! If he wants to make sure of his Jill! ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time, His twig he'll so carefully lime That every bird Will come down at his word, Whatever its plumage and clime. He must learn that the thrill of a touch May mean little, or nothing, or much ”

“ No, no—not a word against Dick. I'll stick up for him through thick and thin! RICH. Thankye, Rob, thankye. You're a true friend. I've acted accordin' to my heart's dictates, and such orders as them no man should disobey. ENSEMBLE—RICHARD, ROBIN, and ROSE. In sailing o'er life's ocean wide Your heart should be your only guide; With summer sea and favouring wind, Yourself in port you'll surely find. SOLO—RICHARD. My heart says, "To this maiden strike— She's captured you. She's just the sort of girl you like— You know you do. If other man her heart should gain, I shall resign." ”

“ Yes, a lonely, childless old man is Sir Gilbert, but still carrying himself bravely before the world, as if in defiance of all the blows a cruel fate has aimed at him, and still retaining a large measure of his old irritability of temper and imperiousness of manner. Would it be too much to wonder whether his heart is ever touched with compunction, or regret, when his eyes chance to rest on a certain tablet above the family pew—that pew now empty of all but himself—which professes to record the death of his firstborn? ”

“ SIR ROD. Better? ROB. Yes—better now! Whew! SIR ROD. Well, do you consent? ROB. But it's such an ungentlemanly thing to do! SIR ROD. As you please. (To Ghosts.) Carry on! ROB. Stop—I can't stand it! I agree! I promise! It shall be done! SIR ROD. To-day? ROB. To-day! SIR ROD. At once? ROB. At once! I retract! I apologize! I had no idea it was anything like that! CHORUS. He yields! He answers to our call! We do not ask for more. A sturdy fellow, after all, This latest Ruddigore! All perish in unheard-of woe Who dare our wills defy ”

“ Give me hope, and what I lack in education and polite accomplishments, that I will endeavour to acquire. Drive me to despair, and in death alone I shall look for consolation. I am proud and cannot stoop to implore. I have spoken and I wait your word. JOS. You shall not wait long. Your proffered love I haughtily reject. Go, sir, and learn to cast your eyes on some village maiden in your own poor rank—they should be lowered before your captain's daughter. DUET—JOSEPHINE and RALPH JOS. Refrain, audacious tar, Your suit from pressing, Remember what you are, And whom addressing! ”

“ Which star do John and the brilliant men I have mentioned occupy?
I wonder!
[152]
Chapter XXIX
W. S. GILBERT
One of the most gifted men I have ever met was W. S. Gilbert, of Gilbert & Sullivan fame. He was not a very pleasant companion socially as he was more of a cynic than a wit, but at intervals he would make his cynicism subservient and become most agreeable.
At the Crystal Palace one evening I had the pleasure of being seated next to him at a banquet, where, Bernand, Editor of "Punch," was chairman. ”

“ And then, perhaps, he'd show how he himself performed the trick,
And illustrate his meaning with a poppy and a stick.
Or, if it rained, the little maid would stop at home, and look
At his favourable notices, all pasted in a book,
And then her cheek would flush—her swimming eyes would dance with joy
In a glow of admiration at the prowess of her boy.
[Pg 282]
One summer eve, at supper-time, the gentle Gilbert said
(As he helped his pretty Annie to a slice of collared head) ,
"This collared head reminds me that to-morrow is the day
When I decapitate your former lover, Peter Gray." ”

“ Gilbert's second induction was that they are "true and intimate parts of the globe," [78] that is, that they are piece of the "materia prima" of all we see about us. For they "seem to contain within themselves the potency of the earth's core and of its inmost viscera." [79] Whence, in Gilbert's philosophy, the earthy matter of the elements was not passive or inert [80] as it was in Aristotle's, but already had the magnetic powers of loadstone. Being endowed with properties, it was, in peripatetic terms, a simple body. ”

“ Sir Gilbert, for his part, was well satisfied that his cousin should make the Chase her home for as long as it might suit her convenience to do so. That he would feel her departure as a loss whenever it should take place, he began to realise more clearly the longer she stayed. She was capital company; never otherwise than lively and in good spirits, not a bit in awe of him, and imbued with a sufficiency of the combative element to make her always ready to administer that pinch of contradiction which men like the Baronet need to put them on their mettle. ”

“ Sir Gilbert, whom advancing years had tended to render more of a recluse than ever, had gradually, and by a process of which he himself was scarcely conscious, begun to entertain a great liking (in his frigid, undemonstrative way) for this frank-eyed, clear-headed, straightforward young man, in whom he could detect no faintest trace of sycophancy, and who knew so well how to retain the full measure of his own self-respect without in any way grating against the amour-propre of his employer. ”

“ And Annie answered, blushing in an interesting way,
“You think, no doubt, I’m sighing for that felon Peter Gray:
That I was his young woman is unquestionably true,
But not since I began a-keeping company with you.”
Then Gilbert, who was irritable, rose and loudly swore
He’d know the reason why if she refused to tell him more;
And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes)
“You mustn’t ask no questions, and you won’t be told no lies!
“Few lovers have the privilege enjoyed, my dear, by you,
Of chopping off a rival’s head and quartering him too! ”

“ CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc. (Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.) (Enter Phyllis.) PHYL. (half crying) . I can't think why I'm not in better spirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger than himself! (Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.) LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling! LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own! PHYL. Don't! How dare you? ”

“ Sir Gilbert had furnished him with no information as to how and where the young man had been brought up, and, in lack of some such data, he felt as if he were floundering in the dark. Lewis Clare spoke English with the ease and fluency of one to the manner born, even to the point, judging from certain of his remarks, of being an adept in slang. That he was not a gentleman in himself was certain, and it was equally certain that he lacked the indefinable cachet of one who has been in the habit of mixing in good society. ”

“ Chance led Prince Florian to these shores, and he,
Flushed with the radiance of thy loveliness,
Stood manifest before thine eyes—what then?
Hil. Oh, Heaven, what then! Joy kills as sorrow kills. [Pg 17]
I dare not think what then! Let it suffice
That I have given thee all—that I am thine
For ever and for aye! Enter Mousta unperceived; he places himself so that the dial conceals him from Florian and Hilda. ”

“ Behind his back Giovanna and Luigi exchanged glances of perplexity and dismay. Drawing himself up with a sort of half-shake, as if trying to free himself from some harassing thought, and with a sigh meant for himself alone, Sir Gilbert again faced round.
“Pardon my remissness,” he said with a little gesture of annoyance, on perceiving that both his visitors were still standing, “but it is not every day that one is presented with a grandson. Pray be seated,” he added, and not till they had complied did he find a chair for himself. ”

“ He was a little boy! [Exit ANGELA, L.] PATIENCE [R.C.] It's perfectly dreadful to think of the appalling state I must be in! I had no idea that love was a duty. No wonder they all look so unhappy! Upon my word, I hardly like to associate with myself. I don't think I'm respectable. I'll go at once and fall in love with... [As she turns to go up R., GROSVENOR enters, R.U.E. She sees him and turns back.] a stranger! No. 8. Prithee, pretty maiden (Duet) Patience and Grosvenor GROSVENOR [up-stage, R. ] Prithee, pretty maiden — prithee, tell me true, (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow willow waly!) ”