Sexual intimacy

“ It will appear, as this discussion proceeds, that the sexual problems of today are conditioned by the inhibitions placed by modern economic conditions upon the natural and instinctive expression of the erotic impulse. In brief, both men and women talk [18] sex and particularly women, in a certain extensive class of society, for the real though disguised purpose of exciting themselves sexually. ”

“ Such unnatural stimulation of the female is not infrequently practiced by the male—by the lover and even by the husband—it may be because he himself derives pleasure from such perverted practices, and wishes to obtain sexual gratification without the risk of impregnation, or because he is himself incompetent for normal complete intercourse. ”

“ The art of love certainly includes such primary facts of sexual hygiene, but it involves also the whole erotic discipline of marriage, and that is why its significance is so great, for the welfare and happiness of the individual, for the stability of sexual unions, and indirectly for the race, since the art of love is ultimately the art of attaining the right conditions for procreation. ”

“ And now, taking a still further step, we may say that it has a spiritual value in relation to our whole conception of the sexual impulse. Our attitude towards the naked human body is the test of our attitude towards the instinct of sex. If our own and our fellows' bodies seem to us intrinsically shameful or disgusting, nothing will ever really ennoble or purify our conceptions of sexual love. Love craves the flesh, and if the flesh is shameful the lover must be shameful. ”

“ The unbridled passion of the primitive races of mankind, the coercive love of beauty felt by the ancient Greeks, the swelling flood of erotism of the great mass of people of all times, is gradually guided into the quiet channel of the marriage bed; and even though monogamic marriage is incapable of fully providing for all manifestations of sexual passion, still, from the medical point of view, we must maintain that marriage is for women the most hygienic and the most proper means of gratification of the sexual impulse. ”

“ But in woman a certain sensual desire for caresses, connected more or less with unconscious and ill-defined sexual sensations, is not limited to [95] the male sex but extends to other women, to children, and even to animals, apart from pathologically inverted sexual appetites. Young normal girls often like to sleep together in the same bed, to caress and kiss each other, which is not the case with normal young men. ”

“ But as the brain and its faculties develop, powerfully aided indeed by the very difficulties of the sexual life, the impulse for sexual union has to traverse ever longer, slower, more painful paths, before it reaches—and sometimes it never reaches—its ultimate object. This means that sex gradually becomes intertwined with all the highest and subtlest human emotions and activities, with the refinements of social intercourse, with high adventure in every sphere, with art, with religion. ”

“ All that we can say in a general way concerning the complex entanglement of our sentiments and instincts is that, the most deeply rooted characters in human nature are at the same time, phylogenetically speaking, the most ancient.
Among the most profound instincts of sexual life, we find moral and intellectual incongruities. Along with excitement of the sexual appetite in the male by the odor of the female genital organs, or by the sight of erotic pictures, we find the most touching conjugal love, and life-long devotion of one conjoint for the other and for the children. ”

“ I have indicated that sexually she takes her cue from her husband. What does she know, do you suppose—know deeply and instinctively—that makes her do this, while other women refuse to?
She knows this: that it is the man who, from the purely physical viewpoint, has to be ready before sexual intercourse can take place. No matter how many books have been written that ignore the fact, it is nevertheless true that, if the man does not have an erection, love-making cannot take place. ”

“ Knowledge of sexual matters gives rise to the tendency of picturing erotic situations and relations, impelled by the pleasurable emotion of placing the mother, or the subject of the greatest sexual curiosity, in the situation of secret unfaithfulness and clandestine love affairs. ”

“ The modest and coy reluctance characteristic alike of the maiden and of the wife, promote an increase of sexual excitement in the opposite sex, and this not only in a man of purely sensual character, whose vanity is stimulated by his being the chosen one among many—a circumstance which, in view of the great dependence of the sexual act upon psychical processes and imaginative influences, is by no means devoid of importance. ”

“ But because of the more or less clear consciousness that sexual intercourse is really what is most desired in love, and because of the lack of courage openly to admit it, attempts are made to justify it from a social standpoint. ”

“ Not in this respect alone, however, is the sexual life of woman of paramount importance; it is, in addition, the mainspring of the well-being and progress of the family, of the nation, of the entire human race. ”

“ Nor do I see any reason why, during the first period in which they are able to enjoy without intermission the pleasures of sexual intercourse, they should, in accordance with any theory whatever, impose on themselves further restraints than those demanded by care for their physical and mental health. ”

“ The act of sexual union, the most sublime function of the organism, is degraded into a profligate act of lust; it is no longer undertaken in the interest of the perpetuation of the species, but exclusively for the pleasure of the individual, and without any relation to the needs of the community. ”

“ A 26-year-old workingman relates: ‘At 17 years of age an older friend of mine induced me once to have sexual intercourse with a woman—I was unaware at the time of my urning disposition—and I felt such disgust that I vomited. ”

“ Indeed, in this country, psychoanalysts, of the first rank in other respects, have been said to recommend both men and women patients to make what arrangements they could to indulge in sexual intercourse, even if unmarried. ”

“ No act can be quite so intimate as the sexual embrace. ”

“ These facts explain the singular caprices of the sexual appetite and orgasm in the normal woman, in whom these phenomena are not easily produced without love.
The same woman who loves one man and not another is susceptible to sexual appetite and voluptuous sensations when she cohabits with the first, while she is often absolutely cold and insensible to the most passionate embraces of the second. This fact explains the possibility of prostitution as it exists among women. ”

“ This dual division of the erotic feelings has on the one side brought about such fine and lofty, and on the other such coarse and debased manifestations that neither one nor the other has any counterpart among the nations—or classes within a nation—where this division is unknown, since there the freedom of sexual choice is undisputed. ”

“ It is largely this remarkable function of sexual pleasure which is decisive in settling the argument of those who claim that continence is the only alternative to the animal end of marriage. That argument ignores the liberating and harmonising influences, giving wholesome balance and sanity to the whole organism, imparted by a sexual union which is the outcome of the psychic as well as physical needs. There is, further, in the attainment of the spiritual end of marriage, much more than the benefit of each individual separately. ”

“ Regulated sexual intercourse, such as is rendered possible by marriage, has often a favorable influence on previously existing states of nervous weakness. But we should go too far if we were to attribute the beneficial effect of married life on such conditions solely to sexual intercourse. ”

“ Those also themselves greatly need enlightenment who, for instance, advise a young bridegroom who has always lived a chaste life to visit a prostitute before marriage, in order to prove his sexual potency. ”

“ In saying the husband is rarely if ever to blame for a frigidity problem I am running counter to a vast body of information that has been published; in the 1930’s in particular, book after book appeared, each showing conclusively that a happily married sexual life depended on the male’s skill in arousing the woman. ”

“ Very gradually, however, a change takes place in this respect, so that in every period of social life since the very earliest, the modesty of young girls, the high valuation put upon the preservation of virginity, the ethical approbation of chastity in the wife, respect for the duties and rights of the mother, the reverence felt for the matron—all these, throughout the sexual life of woman, have had a civilizing, ennobling, and elevating effect. ”

“ Such children seldom result from the "tired bed" or worn-out passion, love killed by sexual excesses, indifference on the part of one of the participants of the union, "duty" intercourse without affection or passion, or forced sexual relations. ”

“ On the other hand, an ever-larger proportion of girls belonging to the “middle and upper classes,” abstaining alike from the good and the evil results of marriage, falls under the yoke of sexual impulses denied satisfaction or gratified by abnormal means, and suffers in consequence both physically and mentally. ”

“ I have myself known cases in which women were able to experience the voluptuous acme in intercourse with men whom they earnestly loved, whilst in intercourse with men to whom they were indifferent, the voluptuous sensation and the sense of satisfaction were wanting, even though in some of these cases the peripheral processes culminated in ejaculation. Such a physically complete sexual act, without voluptuous acme or sense of satisfaction, may occur when the woman, having intercourse with a man whom she does not love, pictures in imagination that she is having intercourse with her lover. ”

“ Ribbing, however, justly observes: “Sexual intercourse results from a natural impulse, and he whose senses are unimpaired, and who has learned, at the same time, amid the tumult of his sensations, to preserve proper consideration for his wife—such a man runs little danger of making any mistake. In 276opposition to the opinion of many, I regard it as entirely right and reasonable that husband and wife should have intercourse whenever physically and mentally impelled to that act. ”

“ The wise adaptation of these regulations requires, however, a full understanding of the mental and physical processes, an exact recognition of the bodily states and intellectual sensibilities, of woman regarded as a sexual being. ”

“ That active and somewhat savage dislike must have had its origin in the consciousness that the perpetual virgin was a witness, however reluctantly, to the unpalatable fact that sexual intercourse was not for every woman an absolute necessity ”

“ The reasons for her fear are hidden from her, are locked in her unconscious mind. Consciously she may wish, above all things, to achieve real closeness with her husband, to give and receive the greatest of all mutual joys between man and woman, sexual gratification. ”

“ Gradually she finds herself allowing her new tenderness and concern for her husband to become a part of the meaning of her sexual embrace. She sees and feels the pleasure her sexual thawing brings him, and this process becomes circular, his increased pleasure giving her more pleasure. And with his pleasure in mind she now seeks out more and more those things that please him, and her exploration leads inevitably to the discovery that what pleases him most, outside of his own sensations, is her pleasure. ”

“ A quarrelsome temper, coldness and repulsion on the part of a woman cool the desires of the man, while an ardent sexual desire on the part of the woman, her love and tenderness, tend to increase and maintain them. We are dealing here with purely animal sexual instinct, and we may state that the sexual appetite of woman generally excites strongly that of man, and considerably increases his pleasure during coitus. ”

“ Sexual excesses in the country are more conformable to nature. Apart from marriage, we meet with concubinage, infidelity, and sometimes prostitution, but these excesses are never widely spread in small places where every one knows each other. ”

“ In some cases, fortunately sufficiently rare, the stimulation of the sexual impulse and the longing for its satisfaction are so intense, that a kind of demi-vierge is brought into being, a young woman who is concerned only to preserve the physical token of virginity, but whose thoughts and fancies are anything but maidenly. ”

“ There seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of sexual expression does impair one’s psychological balance and mental health. Personality can be damaged and physical health may be damaged. But if we rule out climactic sexual relations with another person what alternatives are left? ”

“ The novelists who speculate on the eroticism of the public are no doubt more interested in describing sexual passion and amorous intoxication, with all the catastrophes and conflicts which arise from them, than the tranquil and regular love of a couple more advanced in age, the greatest happiness of which consists in harmony of sentiment and thought, as well as the mutual regard and devotion of the couple for each other.
Sexual appetite and sexual power in man become extinguished between the ages of sixty and eighty; old men of eighty are sometimes still capable, but they are no longer fecund. ”

“ It is well known that not a few women experience powerful and uncontrolled sensual inclinations, just like those of men. On the other hand, we must insist that quite a large number of women possess the so-called naturae frigidae, and have no sensual inclination to sexual intercourse, to which they are either indifferent, or in some cases strongly averse, even regarding it with horror. ”

“ And this elementary sexual longing it is that clouds the woman’s brain, that drives her into the man’s arms, that leads her to forget all the shame threatening her and her child, that brings her to sexual union—not the longing for a child, not the so-called impulse to motherhood.” And again: “Woman yearns for love, all her love-organs cry out for love, soul and body * * *. ”