Aristophanes

“ How everything succeeds to our wish, when the gods are willing and Fortune favours us! how opportunely everything falls out.
Trygæus.
Nothing could be truer, for look! here stands the altar all ready at my door.
Chorus.
Hurry, hurry, for the winds are fickle; make haste, while the divine will is set on stopping this cruel war and is showering on us the most striking benefits.
Trygæus.
Here is the basket of barley-seed mingled with salt, the chaplet and the sacred knife; and there is the fire; so we are only waiting for the sheep. ”

“ If there be a citizen, greedy for military rank and honours, who refuses, oh, divine Peace! to restore you to daylight, may he behave as cowardly as Cleonymus on the battlefield.
Trygæus.
If a lance-maker or a dealer in shields desires war for the sake of better trade, may he be taken by pirates and eat nothing but barley.
Chorus.
If some ambitious man does not help us, because he wants to become a General, or if a slave is plotting to pass over to the enemy, let his limbs be broken on the wheel, may he be beaten to death with rods! As for us, may Fortune favour us! ”

“ Come, friends, none but husbandmen on the rope.
Hermes.
Ah! that will do ever so much better.
Chorus.
He says the thing is going well. Come, all of you, together and with a will.
Trygæus.
’Tis the husbandmen who are doing all the work.
Chorus.
Come then, come, and all together! Hah! hah! at last there is some unanimity in the work. Don’t let us give up, let us redouble our efforts. There! now we have it! Come then, all together! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave! All together! (Peace is drawn out of the pit.) ”

“ Aye, I hasten there; if I return without one, I shall have no cause for laughing. [Exit.
Trygæus.
Ah! what is to become of us, wretched mortals that we are? See the danger that threatens if he returns with the pestle, for War will quietly amuse himself with pounding all the towns of Hellas to pieces. Ah! Bacchus! cause this herald of evil to perish on his road!
War.
Well!
Tumult (who has returned) .
Well, what?
War.
You have brought back nothing?
Tumult.
Alas! the Athenians have lost their pestle—the tanner, who ground Greece to powder. [19]
Trygæus. ”

“ Alas! how frightened I am! oh! I have no heart for jests. Ah! machinist, take great care of me. There is already a wind whirling round my navel; take great care or, from sheer fright, I shall form food for my beetle. . . . But I think I am no longer far from the gods; aye, that is the dwelling of Zeus, I perceive. Hullo! Hi! where is the doorkeeper? Will no one open?
The scene changes and heaven is presented.
Hermes.
Meseems I can sniff a man. (He perceives Trygæus astride his beetle.) Why, what plague is this?
Trygæus.
A horse-beetle. ”

“ Trygæus.
’Tis Hyperbolus, who now holds empire on the Pnyx. (To Peace.) What now? you turn away your head!
Hermes.
She is vexed, that the people should give themselves a wretch of that kind for their chief.
Trygæus.
Oh! we shall not employ him again; but the people, seeing themselves without a leader, took him haphazard, just as a man, who is naked, springs upon the first cloak he sees. ”

“ Trygæus.
Blood cannot please Peace, so let us spill none upon her altar. Therefore go and sacrifice the sheep in the house, cut off the legs and bring them here; thus the carcase will be saved for the choragus.
Chorus.
You, who remain here, get chopped wood and everything needed for the sacrifice ready.
Trygæus.
Don’t I look like a diviner preparing his mystic fire?
Chorus.
Undoubtedly. Will anything that it behoves a wise man to know escape you? Don’t you know all that a man should know, who is distinguished for his wisdom and inventive daring? ”

“ I am very certain, that being the son of such a father, you will never forget this song of the buckler. You, who remain to the feast, ’tis your duty to devour dish after dish and not to ply empty jaws. Come, put heart into the work and eat with your mouths full. For, believe me, poor friends, white teeth are useless furniture, if they chew nothing.
Chorus.
Never fear; thanks all the same for your good advice.
Trygæus.
You, who yesterday were dying of hunger, come, stuff yourselves with this fine hare-stew; ’tis not every day that we find cakes lying neglected. ”

“ Trygæus.
You will work my death if you don’t subdue your shouts. War will come running out and trample everything beneath his feet.
Chorus.
Well then! Let him confound, let him trample, let him overturn everything! We cannot help giving vent to our joy.
Trygæus.
Oh! cruel fate! My friends! in the name of the gods, what possesses you? Your dancing will wreck the success of a fine undertaking.
Chorus.
’Tis not I who want to dance; ’tis my legs that bound with delight. ”

“ Trygæus.
What do I bid? Oh! I am ashamed to say. Still, as the clasp is of good workmanship, I would give two, even three measures of dried figs; I could use ’em for dusting the table.
Crest-maker.
All right, tell them to bring me the dried figs; ’tis always better than nothing.
Trygæus.
Take them away, be off with your crests and get you gone; they are moulting, they are losing all their hair; I would not give a single fig for them.
A Breastplate-maker.
Good gods, what am I going to do with this fine ten-minæ breast-plate, which is so splendidly made?
Trygæus. ”

“ Bring the libations.
Hierocles.
The tongue is cut separately.
Trygæus.
We know all that. But just listen to one piece of advice.
Hierocles.
And that is?
Trygæus.
Don’t talk, for ’tis divine Peace to whom we are sacrificing.
Hierocles.
Oh! wretched mortals, oh, you idiots!
Trygæus.
Keep such ugly terms for yourself.
Hierocles.
What! you are so ignorant you don’t understand the will of the gods and you make a treaty, you, who are men, with apes, who are full of malice! [109]
Trygæus. ”

“ Muse, spit upon them abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.
Trygæus.
Ah! ’tis a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good as broken through it. How small you were, to be sure, when seen from heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great rascals; but seen close, you look even worse. ”

“ Ah! the left leg too will have its fling; well, ’tis but its right. I am so happy, so delighted at not having to carry my buckler any more. I sing and I laugh more than if I had cast my old age, as a serpent does its skin.
Trygæus.
No, ’tis no time for joy yet, for you are not sure of success. But when you have got the goddess, then rejoice, shout and laugh; thenceforward you will be able to sail or stay at home, to make love or sleep, to attend festivals and processions, to play at cottabos, [26] live like true Sybarites and to shout, Io, io! ”

“ Trygæus.
When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even better.
Chorus.
E’en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind.
Trygæus.
Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you appraise my true merits.
Chorus.
Excepting the gods, there is none greater than yourself, and that will ever be our opinion. ”

“ Trygæus, my best of friends, what a fine stroke of business you have done for me by bringing back Peace! Formerly my sickles would not have sold at an obolus apiece, to-day I am being paid fifty drachmæ for every one. And here is a neighbour who is selling his casks for the country at three drachmæ each. So come, Trygæus, take as many sickles and casks as you will for nothing. Accept them for nothing; ’tis because of our handsome profits on our sales that we offer you these wedding presents. ”

“ Trygæus.
We cannot give you any until the wolf unites with the sheep.
Hierocles.
I will embrace your knees.
Trygæus.
’Tis lost labour, good fellow; you will never smooth the rough spikes of the hedgehog. . . . Come, spectators, join us in our feast. ”

“ The townsfolk are less ill-used, but that is how the husbandmen are treated by these men of war, the hated of the gods and of men, who know nothing but how to throw away their shield. For this reason, if it please heaven, I propose to call these rascals to account, for they are lions in times of peace, but sneaking foxes when it comes to fighting.
Trygæus.
Oh! oh! what a crowd for the nuptial feast! Here! dust the tables with this crest, which is good for nothing else now. Halloa! produce the cakes, the thrushes, plenty of good jugged hare and the little loaves. ”

“ Hermes.
But hold, the Argives have not pulled the least bit; they have done nothing but laugh at us for our pains while they were getting gain with both hands. [41]
Trygæus.
Ah! my dear sir, the Laconians at all events pull with vigour.
Chorus.
But look! only those among them who generally hold the plough-tail show any zeal, [42] while the armourers impede them in their efforts.
Hermes.
And the Megarians too are doing nothing, yet look how they are pulling and showing their teeth like famished curs; the poor wretches are dying of hunger! [43]
Trygæus. ”

“ Oh, thou, whom men of standing desired and who art good to husbandmen, I have gazed upon thee with delight; and now I go to greet my vines, to caress after so long an absence the fig trees I planted in my youth.
Trygæus.
Friends, let us first adore the goddess, who has delivered us from crests and Gorgons; [49] then let us hurry to our farms, having first bought a nice little piece of salt fish to eat in the fields.
Hermes.
By Posidon! what a fine crew they make and dense as the crust of a cake; they are as nimble as guests on their way to a feast. ”

“ Come, Theoria, I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and confide you to their care.
Servant.
Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.
Trygæus.
Who is it?
Servant.
’Tis Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.
Trygæus.
No, I’m sure he shan’t. He would soon have her done for, licking up all her life juice. [87] Come, Theoria, put down all this gear. [88] —Senate, Prytanes, look upon Theoria and see what precious blessings I place in your hands. [89] Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the victim. ”

“ Trygæus, a rustic patriot, finding no help in men, resolves to ascend to heaven to expostulate personally with Zeus for allowing this wretched state of things to continue. With this object he has fed and trained a gigantic dung-beetle, which he mounts, and is carried, like Bellerophon on Pegasus, on an aerial journey. Eventually he reaches Olympus, only to find that the gods have gone elsewhere, and that the heavenly abode is occupied solely by the demon of War, who is busy pounding up the Greek States in a huge mortar. ”

“ Then, when we have danced, clinked our cups and thrown Hyperbolus through the doorway, we will carry back all our farming tools to the fields and shall pray the gods to give wealth to the Greeks and to cause us all to gather in an abundant barley harvest, enjoy a noble vintage, to grant that we may choke with good figs, that our wives may prove fruitful, that in fact we may recover all our lost blessings, and that the sparkling fire may be restored to the hearth. ”

“ He himself caresses it as though it were a horse, saying, “Oh! my little Pegasus, [3] my noble aerial steed, may your wings soon bear me straight to Zeus!” But what is my master doing? I must stoop down to look through this hole. Oh! great gods! Here! neighbours, run here quick! here is my master flying off mounted on his beetle as if on horseback.
Trygæus.
Gently, gently, go easy, beetle; don’t start off so proudly, or trust at first too greatly to your powers; wait till you have sweated, till the beating of your wings shall make your limb joints supple. ”

“ Trygæus (to the servant) .
Strike, strike this Bacis, this humbugging soothsayer.
Hierocles.
I take to witness . . .
Trygæus.
And I also, that you are a glutton and an impostor. Hold him tight and beat the impostor with a stick.
Servant.
You look to that; I will snatch the skin from him, which he has stolen from us. [113] Are you going to let go that skin, you priest from hell! do you hear! Oh! what a fine crow has come from Oreus! Stretch your wings quickly for Elymnium. [114]
Chorus. ”

“ And then you would tear the poor accused wretch to pieces with your teeth; for the city, all pale with hunger and cowed with terror, gladly snapped up any calumny that was thrown it to devour. So the strangers, seeing what terrible blows the informers dealt, sealed their lips with gold. They grew rich, while you, alas! you could only see that Greece was going to ruin. ’Twas the tanner who was the author of all this woe. [56]
Trygæus. ”

“ After having delivered us from all these wearisome ineptitudes and these low buffooneries, he has built up for us a great art, like a palace with high towers, constructed of fine phrases, great thoughts and of jokes not common on the streets. Moreover ’tis not obscure private persons or women that he stages in his comedies; but, bold as Heracles, ’tis the very greatest whom he attacks, undeterred by the fetid stink of leather or the threats of hearts of mud. ”