Aristophanes

“ PHIDIPPIDES
Yes, father. But what are you driving at?
STREPSIADES
That is the school of wisdom. There, they prove that we are coals enclosed on all sides under a vast extinguisher, which is the sky. [14] If well paid, [15] these men also teach one how to gain law-suits, whether they be just or not.
PHIDIPPIDES
What do they call themselves?
STREPSIADES
I do not know exactly, but they are deep thinkers and most admirable people.
PHIDIPPIDES
Bah! the wretches! I know them; you mean those quacks with livid faces, [16] those barefoot fellows, such as that miserable Socrates and Chærephon. ”

“ STREPSIADES
'Tis Socrates, the Melian, [73] and Chærephon, who knows how to measure the jump of a flea.
PHIDIPPIDES
Have you reached such a pitch of madness that you believe those bilious fellows?
STREPSIADES
Use better language, and do not insult men who are clever and full of wisdom, who, to economize, are never shaved, shun the gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to eat up my wealth. But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my stead.
PHIDIPPIDES
And what good can be learnt of them?
STREPSIADES
What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge. ”

“ By great Zeus! by all the gods! you shall not scoff at me with impunity.
STREPSIADES
Ah! how you amuse me with your gods! how ridiculous it seems to a sage to hear Zeus invoked.
PASIAS
Your blasphemies will one day meet their reward. But, come, will you repay me my money, yes or no? Answer me, that I may go.
STREPSIADES
Wait a moment, I am going to give you a distinct answer. (Goes indoors and returns immediately with a kneading-trough.)
PASIAS
What do you think he will do?
WITNESS
He will pay the debt.
STREPSIADES
Where is the man who demands money? Tell me, what is this? ”

“ SOCRATES
Henceforward, following our example, you will recognize no other gods but Chaos, the Clouds and the Tongue, these three alone.
STREPSIADES
I would not speak to the others, even if I should meet them in the street; not a single sacrifice, not a libation, not a grain of incense for them!
CHORUS
Tell us boldly then what you want of us; you cannot fail to succeed, if you honour and revere us and if you are resolved to become a clever man.
STREPSIADES
Oh, sovereign goddesses, 'tis but a very small favour that I ask of you ”

“ SOCRATES
I traverse the air and contemplate the sun.
STREPSIADES
Thus 'tis not on the solid ground, but from the height of this basket, that you slight the gods, if indeed.... [26]
SOCRATES
I have to suspend my brain and mingle the subtle essence of my mind with this air, which is of the like nature, in order to clearly penetrate the things of heaven. [27] I should have discovered nothing, had I remained on the ground to consider from below the things that are above; for the earth by its force attracts the sap of the mind to itself. 'Tis just the same with the water-cress. ”

“ STREPSIADES
My ruin has been the madness for horses, a most rapacious evil; but teach me one of your two methods of reasoning, the one whose object is not to repay anything, and, may the gods bear witness, that I am ready to pay any fee you may name.
SOCRATES
By which gods will you swear? To begin with, the gods are not a coin current with us. ”

“ PHIDIPPIDES
Tell me, is it not right, that in turn I should beat you for your good? since it is for a man's own best interest to be beaten. What! must your body be free of blows, and not mine? am I not free-born too? the children are to weep and the fathers go free?
STREPSIADES
But...
PHIDIPPIDES
You will tell me, that according to the law, 'tis the lot of children to be beaten. But I reply that the old men are children twice over and that it is far more fitting to chastise them than the young, for there is less excuse for their faults. ”

“ PHIDIPPIDES
My uncle Megacles will not leave me without horses; I shall go to him and laugh at your anger.
STREPSIADES
One rebuff shall not dishearten me. With the help of the gods I will enter this school and learn myself. But at my age, memory has gone and the mind is slow to grasp things. How can all these fine distinctions, these subtleties be learned? Bah! why should I dally thus instead of rapping at the door? Slave, slave! (He knocks and calls.) ”

“ Oh, mortal! you, who desire to instruct yourself in our great wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks will envy you your good fortune. Only you must have the memory and ardour for study, you must know how to stand the tests, hold your own, go forward without feeling fatigue, caring but little for food, abstaining from wine, gymnastic exercises and other similar follies, in fact, you must believe as every man of intellect should, that the greatest of all blessings is to live and think more clearly than the vulgar herd, to shine in the contests of words. ”

“ When we shall have taught you, your glory among the mortals will reach even to the skies.
STREPSIADES
Wherein will that profit me?
CHORUS
You will pass your whole life among us and will be the most envied of men.
STREPSIADES
Shall I really ever see such happiness?
CHORUS
Clients will be everlastingly besieging your door in crowds, burning to get at you, to explain their business to you and to consult you about their suits, which, in return for your ability, will bring you in great sums. But, Socrates, begin the lessons you want to teach this old man ”

“ I invoke my illustrious father, the divine Æther, the universal sustainer of life, and Phœbus, who, from the summit of his chariot, sets the world aflame with his dazzling rays, Phœbus, a mighty deity amongst the gods and adored amongst mortals.
Most wise spectators, lend us all your attention. Give heed to our just reproaches. There exist no gods to whom this city owes more than it does to us, whom alone you forget. Not a sacrifice, not a libation is there for those who protect you! Have you decreed some mad expedition? Well! we thunder or we fall down in rain. ”

“ SOCRATES
By Respiration, the Breath of Life! By Chaos! By the Air! I have never seen a man so gross, so inept, so stupid, so forgetful. All the little quibbles, which I teach him, he forgets even before he has learnt them. Yet I will not give it up, I will make him come out here into the open air. Where are you, Strepsiades? ”

“ No, he strikes his own Temple, and Sunium, the promontory of Athens, [42] and the towering oaks. Now, why should he do that? An oak is no perjurer.
STREPSIADES
I cannot tell, but it seems to me well argued. What is the thunder then?
SOCRATES
When a dry wind ascends to the Clouds and gets shut into them, it blows them out like a bladder; finally, being too confined, it bursts them, escapes with fierce violence and a roar to flash into flame by reason of its own impetuosity.
STREPSIADES
Forsooth, 'tis just what happened to me one day. 'Twas at the feast of Zeus! ”

“ We grant you this, and henceforward no eloquence shall more often succeed with the people than your own.
STREPSIADES
May the god shield me from possessing great eloquence! 'Tis not what I want. I want to be able to turn bad lawsuits to my own advantage and to slip through the fingers of my creditors.
CHORUS
It shall be as you wish, for your ambitions are modest. Commit yourself fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists. ”

“ Then, if you happen to commit one of these faults inherent in human weakness, some seduction or adultery, and you are caught in the act, you are lost, if you cannot speak. But follow my teaching and you will be able to satisfy your passions, to dance, to laugh, to blush at nothing. Are you surprised in adultery? Then up and tell the husband you are not guilty, and recall to him the example of Zeus, who allowed himself to be conquered by love and by women. Being but a mortal, can you be stronger than a god? ”

“ PHIDIPPIDES (still sleeping)
How many times round the track is the race for the chariots of war? [6]
STREPSIADES
'Tis your own father you are driving to death ... to ruin. Come! what debt comes next, after that of Pasias? ... Three minæ to Amynias for a chariot and its two wheels.
PHIDIPPIDES (still asleep)
Give the horse a good roll in the dust and lead him home.
STREPSIADES
Ah! wretched boy! 'tis my money that you are making roll. My creditors have distrained on my goods, and here are others again, who demand security for their interest. ”

“ Come blows, come hunger, thirst, heat or cold, little matters it to me; they may flay me, if I only escape my debts, if only I win the reputation of being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent, shameless, a braggart, and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at quibbles, a complete table of the laws, a thorough rattle, a fox to slip through any hole; supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an artful fellow, a blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces, cunning, intolerable, a gluttonous dog. ”

“ Young men, your hearts must be panting with impatience. What is Phidippides going to say? If, after such conduct, he proves he has done well, I would not give an obolus for the hide of old men. Come, you, who know how to brandish and hurl the keen shafts of the new science, find a way to convince us, give your language an appearance of truth. ”

“ Why, 'tis this finger; formerly, when a child, I used this one. [65]
SOCRATES
You are as low-minded as you are stupid.
STREPSIADES
But, wretched man, I do not want to learn all this.
SOCRATES
Then what do you want to know?
STREPSIADES
Not that, not that, but the art of false reasoning.
SOCRATES
But you must first learn other things. Come, what are the male quadrupeds?
STREPSIADES
Oh! I know the males thoroughly. Do you take me for a fool then? The ram, the buck, the bull, the dog, the pigeon.
SOCRATES
Do you see what you are doing; is not the female pigeon called the same as the male? ”

“ Strepsiades, a wealthy country gentleman, has been brought to penury and deeply involved in debt by the extravagance and horsy tastes of his son Phidippides. Having heard of the wonderful new art of argument, the royal road to success in litigation, discovered by the Sophists, he hopes that, if only he can enter the 'Phrontisterion,' or Thinking-Shop, of Socrates, he will learn how to turn the tables on his creditors and avoid paying the debts which are dragging him down. He joins the school accordingly, but is found too old and stupid to profit by the lessons. ”

“ Whither does the passion of evil lead! here is a perverse old man, who wants to cheat his creditors; but some mishap, which will speedily punish this rogue for his shameful schemings, cannot fail to overtake him from to-day. For a long time he has been burning to have his son know how to fight against all justice and right and to gain even the most iniquitous causes against his adversaries every one. ”

“ If I am called the Weaker Reasoning in the schools, 'tis precisely because I was the first before all others to discover the means to confute the laws and the decrees of justice. To invoke solely the weaker arguments and yet triumph is a talent worth more than a hundred thousand drachmæ. But see how I shall batter down the sort of education of which he is so proud. Firstly, he forbids you to bathe in hot water. What grounds have you for condemning hot baths? ”

“ How beautiful, high-souled, brilliant is this wisdom that you practise! What a sweet odour of honesty is emitted by your discourse! Happy were those men of other days who lived when you were honoured! And you, seductive talker, come, find some fresh arguments, for your rival has done wonders. ”

“ Being eager to carry off these deposits, they have them paid in a day too soon.
STREPSIADES
Splendid! Ah! poor brutes, [98] who serve for food to us clever folk! You are only down here to swell the number, true blockheads, sheep for shearing, heap of empty pots! Hence I will sound the note of victory for my son and myself. "Oh! happy, Strepsiades! what cleverness is thine! and what a son thou hast here!" Thus my friends and my neighbours will say, jealous at seeing me gain all my suits. But come in, I wish to regale you first.
PASIAS (to his witness)
A man should never lend a single obolus. ”

“ STREPSIADES
Well! What did he contrive, to secure you some supper?
DISCIPLE
He spread over the table a light layer of cinders, bending an iron rod the while; then he took up a pair of compasses and at the same moment unhooked a piece of the victim which was hanging in the palæstra. ”

“ They were not to be seen approaching a lover and themselves rousing his passion by soft modulation of the voice and lustful gaze. At table, they would not have dared, before those older than themselves, to have taken a radish, an aniseed or a leaf of parsley, and much less eat fish or thrushes or cross their legs. ”

“ If you devote yourself to practising my precepts, your chest will be stout, your colour glowing, your shoulders broad, your tongue short, your hips muscular, but your penis small. But if you follow the fashions of the day, you will be pallid in hue, have narrow shoulders, a narrow chest, a long tongue, small hips and a big tool; you will know how to spin forth long-winded arguments on law. You will be persuaded also to regard as splendid everything that is shameful and as shameful everything that is honourable ”