Hilaire Belloc

“ On reaching the Horse Guards’ Parade an enormous crowd was discovered stretching as far as the eye could reach, but leaving between themselves and the grand stand a space, through which could defile the procession which had been arranged. At precisely fifteen minutes to six Mr. Chamberlain rose to address the crowd, and by a fine conception the brass band, the flags, and the various contingents of the procession began marching past at the same time. ”

“ Lord Byron had wittily said that still waters ran deep, and he, for his part, after a long life spent in close, hard-headed bargaining, had noticed that the less a man said, the more he was worth. It was a rule he himself had always observed. In his conception of Empire, the silent man, who never spoke, but did, should rule until he reached the sky.
(Here Lord Lansdowne began muttering to himself, Lord Halsbury openly pulled out his watch, Mr. Balfour shut his eyes and crossed his legs, and the Duke of Marlborough said “Hear, hear!” in a subdued voice.) ”

“ He ascribed this deplorable breakdown partly to the ignorance of technical detail prevalent among politicians, but more to the devilish contrivances which gave foreign machinery a specious appearance of superiority to our own. He thought it could be proved that no one of these trades would have declined or disappeared had not Britain suffered from this most unjust and tricky form of competition. He was confident of one thing—that unless the greatest attention was given by the Committee to what he called “Spade-work,” uninteresting but essential matters of fact, it was all up with the Empire. ”

“ Mr. Rockefeller was a great man. He (witness) had then turned his attention to the English field, and had discovered vast lakes of oil in Devon, Norfolk, Denbigh, Cumberland, and Rutland. He had floated ten companies.
Mr. Balfour (aside) : Wasted capital!
Witness: They had all gone bankrupt, and their bankruptcy was undoubtedly due to underselling from America. England had more undeveloped oil than any other country in the world.
Mr. Chamberlain: Now let me put you a practical question. If we prohibited the import of foreign oil, could you float an eleventh company? ”

“ Business is business, my lord. (Loud laughter, in which Mr. Chamberlain joined.) There’s nothing to laugh at. Every man must make the best of himself.
Lord Lansdowne: How were these bicycles bestowed? Did you ask people to your country house, and give them by way of their private secretaries, or did you forget to send in the bill? ”

“ There was old Sir Charles Gorle, there was, member of Parliament and all, and he knew for certain as that old man in his brewery never bought none but Sussex, and he’d have a law....”
Mr. Chamberlain (sternly) : “Stand down.”
Witness (loudly) : “Ar! I’m a plain man and not to be druv, and I tell you....”
Lord Lansdowne: “Stand down, sir!”
Witness (more loudly) : “I tell you if you let these dang Sussex W’ops....”
The whole Committee here rose and in chorus ordered the witness to stand down.
Witness: “You hear me! These Sussex W’ops, they have the vly; they aren’t....” ”

“ A Trained Lion was sworn, and showed, in the most amusing manner, under the artificial stimulus of a trainer with a whip, how in old age, with his teeth drawn and his spirit thoroughly broken, even so dangerous a beast could be put to the most useful work: such as rolling a log, balancing a see-saw, ploughing the sand, wiping something off a slate, doing a little spade work, and even roaring at command more loudly than in youth. ”

“ England is a sieve.”
Witness here left the box, and the Committee rose in a state of seething excitement, several of the more commonplace members repeating mechanically, “A sieve!” “A regular sieve!” “Poor old England is a sieve!”
Mr. Chamberlain looked radiant in a black frock coat and top hat, with boots to match, and a flower of some kind in his buttonhole, while Mr. Balfour was quite cheerful and vivacious. As the Court rose the opinion was freely expressed that the day’s work has given the Cause a great lift forward. ”

“ When this little scene had come to an end, the witness proceeded to give evidence that the great mass of imported manufactured goods were loaded with damnable contraptions, with the undoubted object of destroying our own industry, and of supplanting them by that of the foreigner. ”

“ SECTION III. Gold has accumulated so rapidly of late years as at once to clog the main channels of business, and to make men lose all sense of the value of the precious metal. An increase of five million pounds a year in the circulating medium of the country cannot be regarded without alarm. ”

“ Paper is everywhere creeping in in the place of metal, in the shape of cheques, bank-notes, stamps, I.O.U.s, and dunning letters: a state of affairs rather worthy of Spain than of a Race which has spread its language over half the new world. ”

“ He did not think it seemly that a man should talk too much about himself. He would therefore make no allusion to the services he had rendered his country. Such as they were, they could never be more than the services of one man. ”

“ SECTION VI. No less than fourteen professors of political economy have pointed out, in a very able manifesto, that they differ from some of the most remarkable of our politicians upon fiscal matters. This alone should show the intense interest aroused by the whole question, and the absurdity of pretending that an inquiry was not demanded.
SECTION VII. We are informed by our colleagues that they have been scurrilously attacked by no less than fourteen pedants, whom they believe to be in the pay of foreign powers. ”

“ When the meaning is grasped it will amply account for our great annual loss of gold.
(Here the Committee betrayed an interest bordering on frenzy, leaning forward and fixing burning eyes on the witness, who continued:)
“The number of passenger tickets taken at the ports of this country is over 12 millions annually. (Sensation.) Ships’ crews (excluding coasters) , fishermen running across to the continent, fugitive criminals, and King’s messengers bring the number up to 18 millions. (Sensation.) Not one of these 18 millions leaves without a sum of money ... many carry away immense sums ... ”

“ Such men are rare.
Witness, continuing, deposed that for no less than eight years past his employers had given away their German bicycles free.
[Sensation. A furious voice from the well of the court cried, “Let me get at him!” and an Anglo-Saxon of huge stature was with difficulty prevented from making an ugly rush. He turned out to be a patentee of the old style of high bicycles, who had been ruined by the competition of safeties.]
“An Anglo-Saxon of huge stature”
Witness, further examined, estimated the total number of bicycles he had thus offered free at a little over three millions. ”

“ A great man perhaps, a loveable man certainly, but after all, only one man.
Lord Beaconsfield had said that men imputed themselves. He was not quite clear what this meant, but,—....
(Here Mr. Chamberlain took up another little bit of paper, frowned, let drop his eye-glass, fiddled a little with his fingers, frowned again, replaced his eye-glass, and explained that he had mislaid some of his notes.)
Continuing in a more natural tone, and with far less fluency, he proceeded to give in detail the reasons for the absence of each of his colleagues. ”

“ Whole sovereigns are dropped in cabs, and capitalists of great prominence allow vast sums to be withdrawn by fraud from their balances at the banks. The precious metals are used in making cigarette cases, medals, and statuettes, and are even wantonly wasted upon objects of superstition in the churches. ”

“ Most of our population, even those betraying every outward sign of prosperity, say that “they do not know where to turn for money.” The young men at our universities are all of them deeply in debt, and even the old men are often pretty dicky. ”

“ The Postmaster-General (hurriedly) : “That’s all right. Well, now, the question is this: if we give you £1 down for every ton of pig iron you shove on the market, and we make it a condition that you pay at least 5s. of it in extra wages, will you clinch?”
Mr. Baines: “Like a nut!”
The witness, who was complimented by Lord Lansdowne on the manly and straightforward way in which he had given his evidence, then stood down.
Mr. Harry Gibbs, farmer of Goudhurst, questioned upon Hops, said that W’ops were in a turrible bad way, and all. He knew his own mind. He was a practical man. ”

“ Lord Halsbury (after consulting his colleagues) : We do not think his name material. Proceed.
Witness (in an emphatic manner) : The facts I have to produce are simple. They are well known. It is their meaning which has escaped the public. ”

“ As it was evidently impious to swear the animal, and impossible to take his affirmation with hand lifted over the head in the Agnostic style, he was allowed to pledge himself by proxy that he would do nothing for the sake of gain, prejudice, hate, love, favour, or worldly advantage. ”

“ The crowd waited in vain for the other members of the Committee; they did not come.
Meanwhile it was explained to the Court within that the three members present constituted a quorum, and the sitting was opened by
Mr. Chamberlain rising and saying he would detain them but a very few moments. He pointed out that his opponents were perpetually harping sordidly upon the mere economic evils which might follow the introduction of Preferential Free Trade. To reply to these criticisms might have baffled a man of less determination ”

“ Now, the Germans, instead of that, which is the right way, they drop the counter, lift the main-ratch, and so get all the head-gear into one piece. (Here the witness paused with a set, angry face; several people in the well of the Court cried “Shame!” and Mr. Balfour’s hand trembled. Then Mr. Lutworthy added in a shaking voice) : One can do nothing against that kind of hitting below the belt.
Mr. Chamberlain: And you took that lying down! ”

“ Lord Halsbury (peevishly) : No! no! no! My good man! All this is privileged, of course.
[The witness, heaving a deep sigh of relief, walked slowly and rather insolently past two policemen, and sauntered into the street, where he was at once arrested.]
Mr. Chamberlain (briskly) : That settles Bicycles. Now for Powder! Next!
[At the mention of “Powder” there stepped forward a most popular gentleman, with whom all members of the Committee warmly shook hands.] ”

“ Mr. Charles Griggs (expert) deposed: That such a gold export would require fifty-six vessels, each 500 ft. long by 45 broad with a draught of 27 ft.
Peter Garry (Private Detective in the pay of the Birmingham Caucus) : “I have watched all the ports, and can swear that no such vessel, let alone fifty-six, has cleared with gold since July, 1902.”
In view of the difficulties raised by this witness, it was determined to call further testimony:
Peter Cale (porter) deposed to hauling great sacks of something hard and heavy on to the passenger boats at Dover last April. ”

“ The Colonial Secretary, it need scarcely be added, did not remain to receive this last testimony to his popularity, but the beginning of the enthusiastic movement in the crowd was enough to convince him that he had thousands at his back, and, as Napoleon is reported to have said to his coachman after Waterloo, “With such numbers behind him a man should be capable of all things.” ”

“ It is extremely difficult to get change.
Numerous cases are on record in which gentlemen of good birth have found themselves in omnibuses without the means to pay their fare. Some of them have been thrown out with violence. ”

“ The distinguished physician, who had himself suffered such pangs, soothed him as best he could, and conveyed the news to the Committee, who were profoundly moved.
Mr. Chamberlain (solemnly) : If this man dies, the Opposition will have a heavy weight upon its soul. ”

“ Witness (calmly) : Upon assertion every great religion has been built.
Mr. Balfour (seraphically) : You are quite right. I have always maintained that the analytical function, and even the quasi-postulated phenomena of the senses⸺
“I have always maintained”
A Voice: Shut up!
Lord Lansdowne (smartly) : If any further expressions of private opinion are delivered from the well of the Court, I, for one, shall protest.
Mr. Chamberlain (to the unknown person) : Ked!
The Court then proceeded to call further witnesses. ”