“ More than fifty per cent. of Mr. Punch’s illustrations of Scottish humour come from his pencil; and he is ahead of his confrères not only in quantity but in quality—none of them has beaten him in the pictorial representation of Scottish character. The shrewd, dour faces of some of his Scotsmen are inimitable.
[7]
MR. PUNCH’S
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
Maxim for Young Scotsmen who are Fond of Dancing.—“Youth must have its fling.”
A Bitter Disappointment.—Being served with a glass of Bass when you called for old Edinburgh. ”

“ This was scarcely what Tammas had expected. Hendry was usually one of his most devoted admirers. There was an awkward silence, which made me feel uncomfortable. I am only a poor Dominie, but some of my happiest hours had been passed on the pig-sty. Were these merry meetings to come to an end? Pete took up the talking.
“Hendry, my man,” he observed, as he helped himself out of Tammas’s snuff-mull, “ye’re ower kyow-owy. Ye ken humour’s a thing ’at spouts out o’ its ain accord, an’ there’s no nae spouter in Thrums ’at can match wi’ Tammas.” ”

“ Reverend Stranger. “My good man, can you tell me the nearest way to the cathedral?”
Scottish Cabby. “Jist inside the cab here, sir.”
[46]
A SECOND VISIT TO SCOTLAND (Being an additional Chapter to “The Tour in the Hebrides”)
“Sir,” said Dr. Johnson, “let us take a walk down Princes Street.”
Finding the great man in so excellent a humour, I seized upon the opportunity to put to him many interesting questions.
“Sir,” said I, “pray what do you think of Edinburgh?” ”

“ But they’ll lauch at me. Noo then,” he roared out, “‘A pie sat on a pear-tree.’”
We all knew this song of Tammas’s. A shout of laughter went up from the whole gathering. The stranger fell backwards into the sty a senseless mass.
“Man, man,” said Hookey to Tammas, as we walked home; “what a crittur ye are! ”

“ Guest. “Na, na, I’ll tak’ nae mair! I’m in a new lodgin’, and I’m no vera weel acquainted wi’ the stair!!”
[34]
“AULD EDINBRO’”
Saxon Traveller. “This is too bad, waiter! I told you we wanted to go by the 9.30 train, and here’s breakfast not ready!”
Celtic Waiter. “A weel, sir, fac’ is, the cook tak’s a gless!”
Scotland for Ever!—Benjamin Barking Creek (thinking he is going to pull the mighty leg of MacTavish) . But you must allow that the national emblem of your country is the thistle.
The MacTavish. And for why? Because we grow it for ye Southrons to eat! ”

“ First Boatman (sotto voce) . “That’s only the weeds he’s caught.”
Second Boatman. “Haud yer tongue, ye muckle sumph! It’s a glass of whusky we’ll be gettin’ if the body thinks he’s lost a fush!”
[156]
Country Gentleman (who thought he’d got such a treasure of a new gardener) . “Tut, tut, tut! Bless my soul, Saunders! How——what’s all this? Disgracefully intoxicated at this hour of the morning! Ain’t you ashamed of yourself?!”
Saunders. “’Sh-hamed! (Hic.) Na, na, ’m nae sae drunk as that comes t’! Ah ken varra weel what a’m aboot!!”
[157]
“SHOUTHER TO SHOUTHER!” ”

“ Dear Maister Punch,—I’ve heerd often enough aboot ye as a kind sort o’ buddy, whae putts the warld richt, when it has gaun wrang, and I’m thinking to write tae ye, a screed about thae feckless critters, the South’ren tourists whae owerrun Auld Scotland at this time o’ the year with their coo-ponds and their excursion tuckets, thinking to tak their pleesures on the cheap. Noo, the hotels in this country are famed for their vera moderate charges. ”

“ And as for a bed! weel, no one can find faut with half of a sovereign? And yet thae tourists are aye complainin’. Hotel folk in Scotland should have fixed charges throughout. I, for yin, will make free to say that I will cheerfully pay them, when I find it necessary, one pound ten shullin’s for bed and breakfast and maybe half-a-croon for a good glass of the cratur, as a settler afterwards. If the hotel folk would all agree to some moderate charge like that, they could think aboot Culloden with eequanimity! ”

“ English Angler (on this side of the Tweed) . “Hi, Donald! come over and help me to land him—a 20-pounder I’ll swear——”
Highlander (on the other) . “It wull tak’ ye a lang time to lan’ that fush too, d’ye ken, sir, whatever!—Ye hae heuket the kingdom o’ auld Scotland!”
[171]
Northern Gamekeeper. ”

“ Minister. “Weel, John, an hoo did ye like ma son’s discoorse?”
John. “Weel, meenister, ah maun admeet he’s vera soond, but, oh man! he’s no deep! His pronoonciation’s no vera gweed; but ah’ve nae doobt he’ll impruv’!”
[154]
“It juist took a grip o’ me,” replied Tammas, without moving a muscle; “it flashed upon me ’at he’d no stand that auld song. That’s where the humour o’ it comes in.”
“Ou, ay,” added Hendry, “Thrums is the place for rale humour.” On the whole, I agree with him. ”

“ We vie in vain wi’ English brain;
Hoo can we mak’ a haul, man,
Until we start tae lairn the art
That’s practised in the Mall, man?
[9]
CANDID
Tam (very dry, at door of country inn, Sunday morning) . “Aye, man, ye micht gie me a bit gill oot in a bottle!”
Landlord (from within) . “Weel, ye ken, Tammas, I daurna sell onything the day. And forbye ye got a half-mutchkin awa’ wi’ ye last nicht (after hoors tae) ; it canna be a’ dune yet!”
Tam. “Dune! Losh, man, d’ye think I could sleep an’ whusky i’ the hoose?!”
[10]
“A NICHT WI’ BURNS”
Good Name for a Scots Policeman.—Macnab. ”

“ Thus we knew that Hendry had returned to his ancient allegiance, and that the stranger would be crushed. Then Tammas began——
“Man, man, there’s no nae doubt ’at ye lauch at havers, an’ there’s mony ’at lauchs at your clipper-clapper, but they’re no Thrums fowk, and they canna’ lauch richt. But we maun juist settle this matter. When we’re ta’en up wi’ the makkin’ o’ humour, we’re a’ dependent on other fowk to tak’ note o’ the humour. There’s no nane o’ us ’at’s lauched at anything you’ve telt us. ”

“ A thrummock-touzle hisslin’.
There’s young folks movin’ like a fair,
There’s auld folks quaffin’ sherry.
An’ you sae weary, fu’ o’ care,
When all the world is merry?
Gin ye maun feed your dowie grudge,
At least fill up your programme,
And come victorious from the crush
Like Bonaparte from Wagram. ”

“ But one seat-holder, though he held his seat, could not hold his tongue, and declared that the congregation was insulted. We suspect that the minister knew best. In fact, had the incident occurred anywhere but in Scotland, where every man is proverbially sober, we should have been sure that the minister knew best. Hurrah, for the toddy of Bonnie Dundee!
[77]
COMMERCIAL INSTINCT
Dugald. “Did ye hear that Sawney McNab was ta’en up for stealin’ a coo?”
Donald. “Hoot, toot, the stipit bodie! Could he no bocht it an’ no paid for’t?” ”

“ Second Traveller. “Na, ’m obleeged t’ye—ah dinna tak’t.”
First Traveller. “Man!—that’s a pety!—ye’ve gr-r-raund accaummodation for’t!”
Mr. Boswell. Sir, if I do not trouble you, will [52] you explain to me why Her Majesty should avoid Edinburgh at Christmas time?
Dr. Johnson. Why, sir, the very branches put up in honour of the festive season would treat her with disrespect!
Mr. Boswell. Indeed, sir!
Dr. Johnson. Sir, if Her Most Gracious Majesty visited Edinburgh at Christmas time, would she not find Holly-rood?
Mr. Boswell. Another pun, sir! ”

“ Mr. MacAlister. “No that bad. But is’t no dreadfu’, man, to be sittin’ in thae chairs at ten shullins apiece!”
[111]
“LIVE AND LET LIVE”
Village Doctor (to the Grave-Digger, who is given to whisky) . “Ah, John! I’m sorry to see you in this pitiable condition again!”
Grave-Digger. “Toots, sir! can ye no’ let a’e little fau’t o’ mine gae by? It’s mony a muckle ane o’ yours I ha’e happit owre, an’ said naething aboot!”
[112]
“SCOTCH MIST”
“The rain seems to be clearing off at last, Sandy.”
“Ay, I doot it’s threatenin’ to be dry!”
[113]
PROPHETIC! ”

“ Scots Witness (deliberately) . “That a’ depends, yer honour, on how far ye gae!”
Judge (snappishly) . “Ye understan’ vera weel, sir. If ye follow yer nose, mun, where’ll ye gang till?”
Witness (after a pause) . “Ah’ve always heer-ed it said, yer honour, that if ye follow yer nose too far, it’ll tak’ ye t’ the moon!”
Judge. “Step doon, sir!”— (In an angry aside) .—“The mon’s a fool!”
[181]
Traveller (to Colonial Squatter) . “Hullo, McDonald! I didn’t expect this of you! All your men working on a Sunday!”
Mac. “This is nae Sunday, mun!—it’s Wednesday——”
Traveller. “Not a bit of it! ”

“ And we don’t think that muckle o’ London up here.” Now, whether we use “N.B.” as meaning “North Britain,” or “Nota Bene,” we shall leave you to guess!
Unless we are mistaken, we have seen more than once in English papers a suggestion that the Scots are a race devoid of humour. “He joked wi’ deeficulty” is, we believe, a reference to a Scotsman. “A surgical——.” But no, we shall not repeat that! Oddly enough, the pages of Mr. Punch, true mirror of our national characteristics, yield an abundant harvest of Scottish humour. Have we not already in this same series made merry with “Mr. ”

“ Hoot, mon, there’s nae sic a thing. Just skake up that auld port, and ye’ll find there’s muckle lees in it!”
At the Board-School Lecture.—Professor McCrobe. And now, where do you suppose germs are originated?
Oversmart Lad (promptly) . In Germany, sir!
[Laughter, cheers and—tears.
After a Trip to London.—Archie. Weel, Sandy, an’ hoo did ye pass the time in Lunnon?
Sandy. Richt brawly, mon. An’ forbye, when I’d clappit a stove pipe on my head and put on a frockit coat, ’deed, Archie, if there was a Southron but didna’ take me for a Cockney born and bred!
[105] ”

“ Et’s vera sad to thenk o’ the great number o’ destengweshed men that’s lately been ta’en! ’Deed—I no feel vera weel—mysel!”
[48]
A MERE DETAIL
Friend of the Family. “Weel, Mrs. M‘Glasgie, and how’s your daughter doin’, the one that was married a while ago?”
Mrs. M‘Glasgie. “Oh, varra weel, thank ye, Mr. Brown, varra weel, indeed! She canna abide her man. But then, ye ken, there’s aye a something!!”
[49]
A YOUNG HUMANITARIAN
“Oh, mamma, mamma, couldn’t you interfere? There’s a horrid man squeezing something under his arm, and he is hurting it so!” ”

“ Syn’ she wa’ a peekle weanie, [1]
Kittlin’ [2] owre the flattit greenie,
A’ sae winsom’,
A’ sae hinsom’,
Dainty skirrock [3] Jeanie.
How I coodled [4] in her eekit,
Dooning [5] wha’ nae booties creekit
Till her twa bright een they leekit,
A’ sae hinsom’,
A’ sae winsom’,
Watting sair her cheekit.
Says she, “Let lassies fash their streeps
Wi’ drummie stick an’ paudy peeps,
Gie me my Tam wi’ squeezy-greeps,” [6]
A’ sae winsom’,
A’ sae hinsom’,
“Ane whiskey-toddy on fowre leeps.” [7]
Wull ye be my ain, my lassie? ”

“ Guard (to excited passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the train is starting) . “Ye’re too late, sir. Ye canna enter.”
Stalwart Aberdonian. “I maun!”
Guard (holding him back) . “Ye canna.”
Aberdonian. “Tell ye I maun—I weel!” (Gripping Guard.) “If I maunna, ye sanna!!!”
[118]
HOMAGE TO THE SCOTS RIFLES BY A SPITEFUL COMPETITOR
It seems that the Scots
Turn out much better shots
At long distance, than most of the Englishmen are:
But this we all knew
That a Scotsman could do—
Make a small piece of metal go awfully far.
[119]
AT BILKINS’S ROYAL HOTEL (LIMITED) , LONDON.
Mac (hungry) . ”

“ Mac. “Aweel! Think o’ that, noo! We hinna seen a sowl for three months, an’ there’s nae an almanack i’ the hoose, an’ we’ve gotten jummelt up a’ th’gether!!”
[182]
Malcolm (to the Colonel, who had been narrating his fishing adventures all over the globe) . “Ye must ha’e had gran’ sport among the black men, sir! Hed they ony releegion?”—Colonel. “All kinds, Malcolm. ”

“ Punch Library of Humour
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON COUNTRY LIFE IN THE HIGHLANDS SCOTTISH HUMOUR IRISH HUMOUR COCKNEY HUMOUR IN SOCIETY AFTER DINNER STORIES IN BOHEMIA AT THE PLAY MR. PUNCH AT HOME ON THE CONTINONG RAILWAY BOOK AT THE SEASIDE MR. PUNCH AFLOAT IN THE HUNTING FIELD MR. PUNCH ON TOUR WITH ROD AND GUN MR. PUNCH AWHEEL BOOK OF SPORTS GOLF STORIES IN WIG AND GOWN ON THE WARPATH BOOK OF LOVE WITH THE CHILDREN
[5]
“N.B.”
An English friend of ours called many years ago at Inverness Post Office for some letters awaiting him there. ”

“ Gude luck deliver ye—and then
Ye’ll no dread Tophet!
[91]
A WARNING TO LAWSONITES
First Scots Boatman. “Weel, Geordie, hoo got ye on the day?”
Second Ditto (drouthy, he had been out with a Free Kirk Minister, a strict abstainer) . “Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took him whaur there was nae fush!”
[92]
DRIVING A BARGAIN
Economical Drover. “A teeck’t tae Faa’kirk.”
Polite Clerk. “Five-and-ninepence, please.”
Drover. “Ah’ll gie ye five shillings!”
Clerk (astonished) .. “Eh!”
Drover. “Weel, ah’ll gie ye five-an’-thrippence, an’ deil a bawbee mair! Is’t a bargain?!” ”

“ Peter. “Na, laddie, this is ane o’ thae things a body can never learn. There’s no nae use in a man takin’ tae this job unless he has a naiteral born aptitude for’d!”
[185]
GOING TO EXTREMES
He of the ruffled temper. “As sure’s ma name’s Tammas Paterson, I’ll hae the law o’ ye, though it should cost me hauf-a-croon!”
[186]
CARBINE PRACTICE
Sandy McGuttle and a friend of his marking in butt. Officer in charge of squad at the shooting-range wonders why the deuce they don’t signal that last shot. He has also grave doubts about the number of bulls’-eyes already recorded. ”