Robert Montgomery Bird

“ Longstraw," said Ebenezer Wild, (who was no Quaker, though his father had been before him) , "I am surprised a reasonable man should make such a request. I have told you twenty times you would ruin yourself by your cursed philanthropy—can't consent to be ruined with you. Pity you, Mr. Longstraw—awfully swindled; wonder you could trust such a knave as Abel Snipe—sorry to hear matters look so black for Jonathan—thought better of him—quite unnatural to be defrauded by one's own flesh and blood." ”

“ Singing and dancing were more practised than hard work. In a word, my master's slaves were an idle, worthless set, but as happy as the day was long. I may say the same of myself; I certainly was a very merry and joyous personage, and my companions, who envied me for being the favourite of young master, used to call me Giggling Tom.
But there is an end to the mirth of the slave, as well as the joy of the master. A cloud at last came betwixt me and the sun; a new thought awoke in my bosom, bringing with it a revolution of feeling, which extended to the breasts of all my companions. ”

“ But the wonder of all is the woman's head; look at that! That, sir, is neither silicious nor carbonaceous, but fleshy—I say, sir, fleshy. It remains in its natural condition; the skin is soft and resilient; you see the naturalness of the colour, of the lips, and, above all, of the eyes. And yet, sir, that head, that flesh is indestructible, unless, indeed, by fire, and strong acids or alkalis. It is embalmed, sir! embalmed according to the new process of this doctor with the unpronounceable Dutch name; and I can tell you, sir, that the man is a chymist such as was never heard of before. ”

“ The horror of the spectacle drove me from the chamber, and I ran to my own to fall down and die; when the blessed thought entered my mind, that the wo on my spirit, the anguish, the distraction, were but a dream—that my very existence, as the miser and broken-hearted father, was a phantasm rather than a reality, since it was a borrowed existence—and that it was in my power to exchange it, as I had done other modes of being, for a better. I was Sheppard Lee, not Abram Skinner ”

“ Nature is a painter—Nature is a musician; and her sons can do nothing better than follow her example. But were Nature neither, it is not the less evident that these arts are lawful and sinless. They can be proved so, uncle Zachariah, upon thine own system of philanthropy; for they add to the happiness of our existence, and they do so without corrupting our morals or injuring our neighbours. I say, uncle," quoth Jonathan, who had pronounced this defence with much enthusiasm, and now concluded with a grin of triumph, "I have thee there dead as a herring!" ”

“ Jim Jumble is as independent and saucy as ever, but I can bear with his humours, he is so faithful, industrious, and, as I may add, so happy to see his master once more prospering in the world. He and Dinah are singing all day long.
My estate is small, and it may be that it will never increase. I am, however, content with it; and content is the secret of all enjoyment. I am not ashamed to labour in my fields. On the contrary, I have learned to be grateful to Providence that it ordained me to a lot of toil, wherein I find the truest source of health, self-approbation, and happiness. ”

“ Thee has often loaned to them, and not often borrowed. Sure thee has many friends who can spare money better than I can."
"Oh, thou ungrateful young man!" said I.
"Don't go to call me hard names," said the perfidious and unfeeling youth; "for, if thee comes to that, uncle Zachariah, I can tell thee, thee is the ungrateful man—though not a young one. Haven't I been as a son to thee for eighteen long years? haven't I humoured all thy foolish old notions, even to the point of giving alms, talking about virtue and philanthropy, and so on? haven't I given up Ellen Wild to please thee? ”

“ In a word, uncle, if thee does not permit me to marry Ellen soon, he will break the match. And so, if thee will make me a happy man—"
"I will," said I, with uncommon fervour; "thee shall marry the maiden, and I will straightway see what I can do for thee. Verily, what is wealth but the dross of the earth, unless used to purchase happiness for those that are worthy."
At these words Jonathan leaped for joy, seized my hand and kissed it, vowed I was "his dear old dad, for all I was only his uncle," and ran from the room—doubtless to impart the happy tidings to his mistress. ”

“ But, of a surety, Abel Snipe, this business will be as gambling?"
"Yea, and verily," said Abel Snipe, "it is as gambling when a gambler follows it; but in the hands of an honest man it is an honest profession. Is not money, bagged up in stocks and other investments, as merchandise? and, as merchandise, shall it not be lawfully bought and sold?"
"And moreover," said Jonathan, with equal earnestness, "if it be no better than cheating and swindling, this same buying and selling, are we not embarking in it out of charity? ”

“ These words filled me with concern and displeasure.
"Surely," said I, "the young man Jonathan is not averse to deeds of charity?"
"Verily," said Abel, clasping his hands, and looking as if he would have wept, "the excellent and beloved youth doth value money more than the good which money may produce; and of that good he esteemeth chiefly the portion that falleth to his own lot. Of a surety, I do fear he hath an eagerness and hankering, a fleshly appetite and an exceeding strong desire, after the things of the world. ”

“ Every man pitied my misfortune, every one inveighed with becoming severity against the villany of those by whom I was ruined, but every one was astonished that a reasonable man like me should expect another reasonable man to part with his money. In short, it was evident that my friends loved borrowing better than lending; and I left the door of the twelfth with the agreeable conviction on my spirit, that human nature was of the nature of a stone, I being the only man of the thousand million in the world that had actually a heart in my bosom. ”

“ He entreated to be conducted to the abodes of affliction, and there the conversion was completed. He became a changed man, and in a few days was almost as zealous an alms-giver as myself. I took him to my arms, and said—
"Now, Jonathan, thee is a man in whom I no longer fear the seductions of the flesh. Thee shall marry the maid Ellen, and be set up in business."
"Nay," said Jonathan; "not so. I am yet but as a youth in years, and the time sufficeth for all things. Let not the whirl of business and the joy of the honey-moon disturb the virtue that is yet young and frail in my bosom. ”

“ A murmur, with twenty or more faint shrieks from the females present, attested the admiration with which the spectators caught sight of this wonderful triumph of skill and science; but I—heavens and earth! what were my feelings, what was my astonishment, when I beheld in that lifeless mummy my own lost body! the mortal tenement in which I had first drawn the breath, and experienced the woes, of life! the body of Sheppard Lee the Jerseyman! ”

“ I was cured of my hypochondriasis—I may say, also, of my dyspepsy—being kept by Tibbikens and my sister in such a starved condition, that it was impossible I should ever more complain of indigestion. But I was not yet cured of my melancholy; nothing but canvass-backs and terapins could cure that—and these, alas! were never more to bless my lips. Tibbikens had pronounced their fate, and with them, mine: thenceforth and for ever my diet was to be looked for in those—next to my digestive apparatus—chief favourites of my sister, bran bread and hickory ashes ”

“ How great was my satisfaction then to behold myself surrounded by my friends, and in my own house; how much greater to know I was no longer to be persecuted by the odious German doctor, who, my brother-in-law gave me to understand, in reply to my anxious questions, had not only given over all designs on my person, but had actually departed from the neighbourhood, and from the State of New-Jersey, satisfied, doubtless, that I was a living man, and no longer a mummy. ”

“ Such a servant was needed by the humane Zachariah; his philanthropy left him no time to attend to his own affairs, and his nephew Jonathan had fallen in love, and become incompetent to their management.
Never was experiment more happy for subject and object: Abel Snipe was made an honest and useful man; and Zachariah Longstraw obtained a friend and servant without price. The gratitude of Abel was equal to his ability; humility, fidelity, and religion, were the least of his virtues—he became a philanthropist, like his master. ”

“ My companions began to talk of violence and dream of blood. A week before there was not one of them who would not have risked his life to save his master's; the scene was now changed—my master walked daily, though without knowing it, among volcanoes; all looked upon him askant, and muttered curses as he passed. A kinder-hearted man and easier master never lived; and it may seem incredible that he should be hated without any real cause. ”

“ Truly, I have heard much said of thy wealth, and thy avarice, friend Abram; but, verily, not a word of thy kind-heartedness and charity: and know, that goodness and charity are the only securities against the ills, both sore and manifold, that spring from groaning coffers. I say to thee, friend Abram, hast thou ever given a dollar in alms to the poor, or acquitted a single penny of obligation to the hard-run of thy customers? ”

“ I say again, I cannot account for my being so contented with bondage. It may be, however, that there is nothing necessarily adverse to happiness in slavery itself, unaccompanied by other evils; and that when the slave is ground by no oppression and goaded by no cruelty, he is not apt to repine or moralize upon his condition, nor to seek for those torments of sentiment which imagination associates with the idea of slavery in the abstract. ”

“ Of a verity, I was the African's friend.
But, oh! the wickedness of the world, and the ingratitude thereof! The heart of man is even as the soil of the earth, which, the more it is stirred up by cultivation, the more barren and worthless it becomes. It is as the fields of the Ancient Dominion, where, if a man soweth barley and corn, he shall reap a harvest of Jamestown weed, poke-berries, and scrub pines. ”

“ Words cannot paint my grief. I crept away from the scene of confusion, ashamed of my manhood, ashamed even of my philanthropy. I reached the door of my house; it was just dusk; a poor man standing at the door implored my charity for a miserable creature, as he called himself. "Go to the devil!" said I.
"You are Zachariah Longstraw?" said another man, tapping me on the shoulder. "I am," said I, supposing he was a beggar like the other; "and you may go to the devil too." ”

“ Vain counsel, vain sacrifice of safety to humanity; the faithful overseer (for it was he who made this heroic effort to save his master's children, his master and young Andrews lying dead or mortally wounded on the porch) was cut down on the spot, and the shrieks of the children as they fled, some into the open air by a back door, and others to the upper chambers, and the savage yells of triumph with which they were pursued, told how vainly he had devoted himself to save them. ”

“ I believe, indeed, that the charity of a discreet and truly conscientious man never injures his fortune, but may, in many instances, actually tend to its increase; since the love of benevolence may stimulate him to new labours of acquisition, that he may have the greater means of doing good. But I am also of opinion, and I think it may be demonstrated by a good accountant, that a man who has a revenue of a thousand a year, and bestows fifteen hundred in charity, will, in due course of time, find himself as poor as his pensioners. ”