Gaylord

“ A girl pushed against him and he smiled at her. She wore a white sweater and grey skirt, with a little clasp of imitation pearls around her neck; her hair fell in soft rolls about her face; she was at her very prettiest. Gaylord stood and watched her, and two thoughts followed each other through his mind: "I wish I was in her shoes" ... "Why, since I was born a boy, can't I be like the rest?"
Gaylord was seized with a feeling of vertigo, an actual dizziness, as though he were teetering at the edge of a precipice, looking into a turbulent sea, resisting an impulse to jump into it. ”

“ He shrugged his shoulders and winked at Gaylord. "That's the way to handle women. Make them jump when you yell frog."
He went to the cupboard, got a clean cup and poured himself a cup of black coffee, then sat down at the table and enjoyed it. Said, "Isn't there any school this morning?"
Gaylord's heart figuratively stood still. The moment his father asked him the question he was nervous. There was no need for this, no need at all. His father had always been wonderful to him. He often asked himself what was the reason, why couldn't he feel free around his father? ”

“ Gaylord sputtered but was interrupted by Max.
"I'll tell ya what, sonny," he broke in with a gurgle. "Come on out to the car with me and I'll fix ya up. You'd like a drink, wouldn't you ... sonny? Damn ... ya'a cute little fag!" He grinned, went on. "Got some good whiskey ... best money can buy ... let's get out of this damn joint ... come on, let's go out to my car ... I wanta show ya ... a ..." he tried for Gaylord's cheek again he lost his balance and with a loud "Whoops!" fell into the frightened boy's lap, his hand going between Gaylord's legs. ”

“ Gaylord loved him. He knew that, could feel it, see it in the blue eyes. Joy liked him too ... Others liked him ... He was lucky to have so many friends. All these faces reflected friendship and love. They respected him ... never called him names ... They'd better not ... Too bad Gaylord couldn't say that ...
Gaylord ... and again he thought of the warm body that had plunged out of the blanket. Flesh that had been so cold such a short time before now warm again and ready ... ready for him he told himself ... ”

“ Gaylord took another step, then tried to run. It was like a horrible dream when you tried to scream but no sound came. He couldn't escape now. They had circled him, and, quick as a cat, one had thrown one arm about Gaylord's neck and pressed hard. He put his other arm around his waist and Gaylord felt parts of their bodies touch.
"Come on dearie ... I'm hotter than a bitch dog ... ain't had a piece in two days. Ain't ever been up the back door," he laughed.
Gaylord's waist hurt from the tight gripping. "Don't," he cried. He broke away from the boy. ”

“ Gaylord fixed them with his gaze, taking their image to his brain to hold through the darkness he knew was coming.
Faggot. He had received his answer to this question, and now, what new mysteries were soon to unfold?
Paul raised his hand and with a magic touch the light faded; the luminous naked figure darkened. Again he felt lips on his and the knot went from Gaylord's throat. He felt his shirt being opened and pulled from his trousers. Should he get up and fly from the room before it was too late. Fly from the hands feeling ... groping ... ”

“ Gaylord watched him race through the dancing couples. He was fascinated by his ease and speed. Already he had tagged a girl and had her in his arms. He watched them a moment and then Blake and Joy came into view. He watched Joy look up and laugh into the bronze face so close to her own. What did she say, he wondered. Did she say she loved him? Blake did not—and Gaylord was particularly aware of this—he did not look down, at least not until she had slapped the back of his head, and then it had been brief, very brief. Longingly he watched Blake. Watched the grace the slim strong body possessed. ”

“ Gaylord saw the blood color the bronze of Blake's face had turned, as though the words had been an effort, as though it had taken a long time to find the necessary ones.
"I don't want to do that," cried Gaylord. "Why should I?"
"I know you and this Glenn were out in the woods all day," Blake said glibly. "And don't think I don't know what happened. Shit ... Guess you should be tired ... How many times, Gaylord ... did you make up for lost time?" He tried to grin. "You know, you are cheap and common ... I didn't think you were ... but you are ... you're cheap and common." ”

“ He closed his eyes from the fevered dream, except that he knew that the dream lay only in his mind. It was all real as a stone, and all he had to do was open his eyes and re-enter the nightmare.
He opened his eyes and returned to reality. To the bright young faces running from pale pink to deep tans. The dresses of the girls patterned the scene before him with whites, blues and yellows. A boy laughed and affectionately placed his arms around his girl, his white teeth showing against large red lips. How young and happy he seemed. Gaylord wished he might do the same thing with such ease. ”

“ He could never win him back ... if only Blake didn't hate him.
"Bob," Gaylord began, "please don't hate me. Can't we be friends?"
"I don't think so," Blake said sharply. "I'll take you home. You said you were tired. No ... I don't think so ..."
Again the vibrating was around him and again Gaylord looked into the space before him. He sat there silently looking into the moving sky toward the high clear stars. They looked down as hard and cruel as death. He could feel himself shrinking to pigmy size under the gigantic sky. The wind went through it, crying. ”

“ He looked up from his book, stared at the wall of his little room, felt he had no reason to hate his father and felt slightly ashamed. Gaylord was just lucky to have a rich dad. And even with the new car Gaylord didn't seem too happy. He was almost sad at times.
I wonder if Gay likes me, he thought. I wonder if he does. I hope he does ... I hope we become good friends. He sure is pretty, I've never seen a boy so pretty ... he looks just like a girl. ”

“ Gaylord was always keen on dinner invitations. And because he was a son of Vondeplosshe the same family friends endured his conceited twaddle and his knock-kneed, wicked little self, and sighed with relief when he went away. It would be so much easier to send these dethroned sons of rich men a supply of groceries and an order for coal!
Besides these lines of activity Gaylord wrote society items for the paper, and as he knew everyone and everything about them he was worth a stipend to the editor. He was considered a divine dancer by the buds, and counted as a cutey by widows. ”

“ Gaylord looked at the heavy fabric. How could he stand it, why even with his thin tropical gabardine he wore it was warm. Rogers must be roasting ... "Mine's hot too," he agreed.
"I was going to call you last night and ask you to go to the show with me."
"I wish you would have ... I stayed home all evening."
"I was afraid you didn't like westerns, so I went alone. Then too, I just knew you wouldn't be home on Saturday night. I've called during the week and you're never at home ... do you ever stay home?" ”

“ Gaylord thought for a minute. "Guess Dad will be glad I'm going out for a change. I've always stayed home too much, he says. From now on I'm going to go to everything. I'm going to go to every dance or party from now on. I'm not going to say no any more. If I'm a flop I might as well find it out now. I might as well."
Gaylord considered himself a mistreated hero; he still smarted under the insults of his classmates. ”

“ From inside the shelter he drew a tarpaulin, unfolded it and brought forth a seine.
"Dam, you're smart, Glenn," Gaylord said, by his side.
"Ya want a nickel?" Then he brought out a shovel. "And if we can't catch any bait we can dig for some. There's lots of worms."
With only their shorts on they pulled the seine through the shallow water, and it wasn't long before they had a can full of minnows. Gaylord fell once but he only laughed and pulled at the wet shorts sticking close to his body. Rogers baited one of the hooks and handed the pole to Gaylord. Then he baited one for himself. ”

“ Gaylord wanted to say something else, but when words wouldn't come, he smiled. He felt the blood creeping into his cheeks and silently cursed himself. There was something warmly companionable about this boy. "I need someone," thought Gaylord desperately. "I need someone and I believe he needs someone too. I'm young, maybe, only seventeen. But I'm older than my years in some things. But there is no one to understand ..." Maybe he would understand ... maybe ...
The gym director waited for them. ”

“ THE NARROW ROAD IN FRONT OF them was red earth free of traffic, except for them. Gaylord could hear the sound of the car wheels and feel the vibration against his closed lids. He shivered at his thoughts. He was lying bound, stretched out on the red earth, his body naked, and slashed like that of some person being sacrificed. Around him danced vicious creatures, carrying sharp thin twigs, slapping and cutting into his torn flesh. Still they continued, jabbing red hot pieces of smoking steel; touching his heart with the first lunge. ”

“ He pressed his hands around the school's bronze door knob and looked down. Its color reminded him of Blake. His fingers gathered themselves into small fists and he pressed his hands against the knob. If only it could be Blake in his grasp. He glanced at the pane in the door as if it might reveal the handsome face but only his own sad eyes were caught in its blurred coldness.
Gaylord's legs ached. He left the door ajar and turned down the long corridor. It was filled with yelling and hurrying students. Their arms were burdened with books, but in their faces were no signs of pain. ”

“ He smiled his affectionate smile and the dimples deepened.
Gaylord grinned back at him. What would he think if he told him about Blake ... The things they had done together? He wanted to tell someone about the feeling in his heart; he was so happy he wanted to tell someone, and who better than Glenn Rogers? Would he understand? Would he think it awful he loved a man? ”

“ He remembered the look on Gaylord's face at noon. Remembered him saying ‘I'm not hungry ... This glare is too bright ... I've got a headache ...' He remembered the look on the boys in the opposite car too ... There was something wrong there ... something very wrong or why had Gaylord wanted to move so quick. The sun was not in his face but he hadn't said anything. He saw Gaylord in his thoughts as he had seen him then.
"What's the matter, Glenn?" his mother asked. "Aren't you hungry? The stew's real good ... I made it because you like it so much ... There's some fresh bread too." ”

“ Gaylord blushed at his mother's ex-housekeeper's actions. She was crude but she had been so good to him. He had been sorry when she left them to get married.
"Hello, Selma," Gaylord said. He tried to smile.
"Ya sure growing ... look more like your paw than ever, durn if you don't." She scratched under her arm. "How's yer folks?"
They were all watching and he felt embarrassed. Why should he feel that way? Even if her hat was outdated or the rouge on her cheeks smeared, what did it matter?
"Selma," he began, "this is Mrs. Rogers and Glenn Rogers." ”

“ Gaylord straightened up with a motion like a ballet dancer; then, he sat very still studying Rogers through long lashes that were longer than most girls'.
So, he said to himself, yes, I've had it easy. I've been called names all my life ... been pushed and made fun of too many times ... I've never been hunting and a horse would scare me to death. But you have. You've done all these things. You've never been called names ... You haven't laid in bed and cried yourself to sleep because some boy had kicked you. ”

“ Gaylord laughed at the accusations. "I wasn't out with any girl last night ... I just feel good this morning ... Did I tell you we're going to New Orleans tomorrow, Glenn?" Unconsciously, he spread his legs and rubbed between them. "Darn these shorts," he said with disgust.
"What?" asked Glenn, looking at the hand pulling at the trousers.
"Oh, I've got on a pair of shorts that's tight as all get-out. I should have put on another pair ... Did you ever wear a pair that cut?"
"I sure have."
"That's exactly what I've got on right now ... Feels like I've got ants in my pants." ”

“ A larger city couldn't have been any colder than this small town. This clannish place with its bullies and farmers. This infested burg he hated because no one thought of him as grown ... everyone still called him a boy. Damn them ... all of them ... every damn, damn one of them.
At times there was an ugliness about him that pressed on his heart, suffocating him. It was like that now. There were people around him but they seemed to be playing by themselves in a grey mountain world. Gaylord caught himself wondering whether the auditorium really existed ”

“ The coachman bowed obsequiously as the two emerged from the car.
"Is Mrs. Gaylord still at the hotel?" inquired the lady.
"She is ma'am." And he closed the door and drove away. Not a word was spoken during the short ride, for an oppressive lull such as sometimes precedes a storm had settled down over the hearts of each, and it did not lift until the carriage stopped. [430]
Mrs. Gaylord came into the parlor to greet the visitors with a hesitating step. She was alone! After the introductions Mrs. Hamilton asked for Lily. "Her father is so impatient to meet her," was the supplementary remark. ”