Snorky

“ His collar cut under his imprisoned neck and his large white hands, longing for sheltering pockets, seemed to float before him like inflated balloons. If his were complete manhood,—oh for a soft shirt and a turned down collar!
"Kill it," said Snorky under his breath.
"What's wrong?"
"Kill that flag of liberty, you chump!" said Snorky, glowering at the flaming edge of the silk bandana handkerchief which Skippy was sporting at his breast pocket.
"What's wrong with that? Every one does it."
"Wrong! Look around you." ”

“ You go to bed thinking the bottom's been kicked out of things and you wake up feeling so Jim dandy rip-roarin' chuck full of happiness that you wonder what's happened, and then you remember that you're cured! Your time's your own. You can wear, do and say what you like, spend your money on yourself. You're free! Now it is queer, isn't it?"
"Like having a tooth out?" said Snorky.
"Exactly."
"Say, what story did you cook up about me to Margarita Tupper?" said Skippy, tying the white cravat for the sixth time.
"Bygones is bygones," said Snorky evasively. ”

“ L'AMOUR a des raisons que la raison connait pas," say the French, who ought to know, and the first expansive sentimental affection of a boy for a chum has also its illogical quality. Now, Skippy adored Snorky and the affection was returned. He felt that Snorky would die for him, as of course he would lay down his own life for his friend, if they should ever hunt together in African jungles. He was willing to share Snorky's last dime, keep his confidences, and fight shoulder to shoulder. ”

“ Wouldn't it be nobler to surrender the fictitious conquest to his beloved friend, to adopt a sacrificial attitude and allow Snorky to go in and win her?
"I say, old boy, I'm awfully sorry; do you really care?"
"For Mimi Lafontaine? For a girl that can't tell a man from a cabbage? Ha, ha!"
All kindly feelings vanished. [67]
"What's the good of calling yourself names?" said Skippy crushingly. He picked up the photograph and smiled at it. "Mimi is a flirt, but she has her good points."
"Look here!" said Snorky, rising in sudden fury. "There's one question has got to be answered right now." ”

“ Then his eyes fell on a group of photographs in the shape of postal cards; a wonderful assortment of fleshlings, of young ladies who dazzle and display abundant charms before the footlights. He remembered that an explanation was due to Snorky, and that the explanation would have to be very convincing. One photograph fascinated him; it was so like the way Tina would look, if there were a Tina! ”

“ Skippy'll need his money for other things. Thank the Lord the only thing he can get into of mine, is a necktie. Hard luck!"
Perhaps a little of the practical reactions had occurred to Snorky, for he flung a shoe at the diminutive Finnegan and was still in a brown study when Skippy came in.
"If he starts to wash he's in love. Bet that's why he's been so friendly," he thought, waiting developments. "I thought it was queer he didn't sulk more after the big smell!"
In fact Snorky had been considerably puzzled at his roommate's actions after the fiasco of the Mosquito-Proof Socks. ”

“ One way or the other they start to making you miserable just as soon as you show them you've fallen for them. Now why?"
"Woman has no sense of gratitude," said Snorky, who had heard the phrase from a brother who had suffered.
"And you can't be friends with them—well you know, just friends."
"I know," said Snorky heavily.
"What gets me," said Skippy, "is why we fall and fall and fall." ”

“ That evening, Skippy, excusing himself from Snorky, who was taking Margarita to a lecture on the fauna and flora of Yucatan, set out for the parsonage with a thumping heart. If the truth be told he was not altogether convinced of the durability of his attraction for Miss Jennie, but he was quite certain of one thing, if there was even a sporting chance of Snorky's adding the blonde sister to his photographic gallery in the communal room in the Kennedy House, he could never confess failure! ”

“ Skippy fell back on a chair and fanned himself.
"What's the use?" he said disconsolately.
"Women are our inferiors," said Snorky wickedly.
"What eyes!"
"Woman is like a harp—"
"Woman!" said Skippy rousing himself indignantly. "You don't call that a woman! That's Maude Adams and Lorna Doone and—and the Gibson Girl rolled into one!"
"Don't blame you," said Snorky heavily. "It ain't right to let anything as wonderful as that roam around loose. Skippy, it's all wrong." ”

“ A foot's sort of different. Shall I make it a button to press on or a sort of slipper to push up and down?"
There was a cut of the famous bridge across [28] the Rhine, but a hurried examination brought him no comfort. He looked over at Snorky across the aisles and Snorky winked back at him in the triumph of achievement. Still if Snorky was to share in the fabulous returns it was only right that Snorky should contribute to the practical details! The truth is that Skippy in calmer mood had already begun to regret the impulse of the day before. ”

“ Skippy brought out a fan, spread it, and pinned it affectionately above the photograph gallery.
"I guess that'll hold him," he said to himself. "Poor old Snorky! I hope his heart is strong enough."
"Been doing quite a bit of fussing yourself," said Snorky with a new respect. "Why didn't you ever tell a fellow?"
"I never discuss women," said Skippy, dusting off the fourth photograph. ”

“ What's her line?"
"Stiff as a ramrod—prim as an old maid, conversation strictly educational."
"Well, what does she look like?"
"Flabby as a cart-horse."
"Say, what the devil—"
"Grub's o.k. and there'll be fun after," said Snorky by way of justification.
"How's the old folks?"
"Mr. Balou? He's a terror, gives you the [260] willies. If he doesn't freeze you the old girl will."
Skippy's traditional scepticism of any statement with the Snorky stamp would have warned him at any other time. But this being in a way a new experience in strange waters, his nervousness got the better of him. ”

“ Skippy then reluctantly admitted the destructive force of Snorky Green's criticism of the Souvenir Toothbrush; he admitted it, but he could not forgive him for being right. There are certain things which one does not forgive a brother, a sister, or the chum of chums.
After all, was Snorky Green worthy of that privileged and exalted position? A disturbing doubt began to creep into Skippy's imagination. He passed over the treachery in the matter of the now defunct Bedelle Foot Regulator; that might conceivably have been the fault of an inferior temperament. ”

“ To be magnanimous he gave it a little extra squeeze.
"That's not fair," said Vivi.
"All's fair in love and war," said Skippy who, under the influence of outward conditions, momentarily forgot his rôle.
"My aunt's cat's pants," said Snorky enviously, when they had departed. "You're getting to be a rapid worker, old top, you certainly are!"
"Oh I've learned a thing or two," said Skippy pompously.
"Splash with your toes, old horse," said Snorky, shaking his head. "Look out, Vivi's an old stager. She collects them."
"What?"
"Scalps," said Snorky with a significant gesture. ”

“ How long have you known her, and how the deuce did you get her photo?" said Snorky, with blazing eyes.
Skippy was in a quandary. A false step might tumble about him the glorious fabric of his new reputation. He went to his bureau and thoughtfully considered the pink morocco case stolen from his sister's collection. Revenge had been sweet, yet the impulse was still on him. He decided that a quick conquest would be the more galling to a rival's pride. ”

“ Snorky proceeded to lift the broken cover of the soap dish, and brought forth a cake which he tendered gingerly to Dennis for his olfactory inspection.
"What a lovely pink stink!" he exclaimed, after one sniff. "Smells like the cook on her Sunday off."
"Are you convinced?"
"I am. Skippy, the human scent-box is undoubtedly in love. Object matrimony."
"He's got it bad this time," said Snorky, remembering that they had a reputation as lady-killers to maintain.
"If you will associate with 'em, it's bound to happen," said Finnegan in his rapid fire style. "I know the symptoms. ”

“ He examined the four photographs carefully.
"They can't all be sisters," he said gloomily; besides, he knew that his roommate, more fortunate than he, had to bear but one such cross. "Danged if I can see what gets them. If that fellow's a lady charmer, I'll hire out for a matinée idol!"
On the pin cushion was a pin in the shape of [53] an arrow (an arrow of course suggested a transpierced heart) , which Snorky wore for important ceremonies, when he donned a perpendicular collar and a white coaching tie. ”

“ Twenty minutes later, as he was solicitously examining the crease in the soft lovely black trousers, after hanging the swallow-tailed coat over a padded hanger, Snorky came in with a face of thunder.
"Well, what do you think?" he said nervously.
"They forgot to put in the pants," said Skippy, leaping to the worst.
"Shucks, no. There's a party on to-night."
"A party?"
"There'll be millions of people to dinner and a dance after." ”

“ Money isn't everything. No—sentiment's [25] bigger. Fifty-fifty, I said, and fifty-fifty it stands!"
"Then I'll put money into it," said Snorky, offering his hand. "I'll go to my father. But not now—not a word until we get the patent. If any one gets the idea we're lost!"
Skippy jumped at the sound of Butsy White's elephantine descent of the stairs.
"And Skippy," said Snorky Green, with a sudden realization of a man's frailties, "whatever you do—never tell a woman. You understand?"
Skippy, whose relations with the opposite sex were of the cat-and-dog variety, solemnly raised his hand. ”

“ Skippy stretched his arms and yawned deliciously.
"Gee, but a fellow can make an awful fool of himself," he said, thinking now not of the fictitious Tina but of the explanations which must have taken place between his sister and Miss Lafontaine.
"A nice wreck you'd have made of your life, you big boob," said Snorky taking up the photograph and smelling it curiously to see what perfume an actress employed. ”

“ SKIPPY in his sentimental progress had now reached the point where if he could not control the impulses of his sentiments he could at least review the past with some instructive profit.
"Girls are queer things, aren't they?" he said ruminatively to Snorky Green, for the mood of confidence was on him. ”

“ Now Snorky was not without a certain knowledge of human nature, particularly Skippy-nature, so without further interest he proceeded to disrobe, flipping the five-dollar bill on the table with a rakish gesture and saying carelessly:
"The old gal has a heart, anyhow. ”

“ Skippy, having calculated nicely the possibilities of the exchequer, threw out progressively dark, mysterious hints that fed Snorky's curiosity, without any open gift of his confidence. Even Doc Macnooder, aware by all outward signs that the imagination which had conceived of the Foot Regulator was again fermenting, had laid his arm about his shoulders and led him to the Jigger Shop.
But the Skippy Bedelle, who had assumed the trials and tribulations of manhood, had [85] profited by the first disillusionments. ”

“ Snark,” I cried, “for a good man and a true.”
I pressed him to accept a purse of fifty guineas over and above the sum agreed upon.
“No, not a blessed head,” he replied. “Snark’s not a dirty screw, but a man o’ fambly and a proper hartiss at his work. Takes a fair pride in it, he does, which is the reason why his reppitation seizes all Bow Street by the belly.”
Upon this the worthy creature conducted me up the gloomy stairs to the window that commanded the execution ground. The sight that then confronted me I have often met again in dreams. ”

“ Mad or sane, it is certain that Snarley, under a kinder Fate, might have been something more splendid than he was. Mystic, star-gazer, dabbler in black or blackish arts, he seemed in his lowly occupation of shepherd to represent some strange miscarriage of Nature's designs; but Mrs. Abel, who understood the secrets of many hearts, always maintained that Snarley, the breeder of the famous Perryman rams, had found the calling to which he had been fore-ordained from the foundation of the world. ”

“ Even now, though you have been insolent and uncharitable, I am ready to befriend you if you are in want."
"If I am in want!" repeated the Schnorrer scornfully. "Is there anything I do not want?"
"You are married?"
"You correct me—wife and children are the only things I do not lack."
"No pauper does," quoth Grobstock, with a twinkle of restored humour.
[12]
"No," assented the Schnorrer sternly. "The poor man has the fear of Heaven. He obeys the Law and the Commandments. ”

“ She showed a woman's natural interest in her outfit and the plans for her new house, but when she heard you were to be Mr. Sinclair's best man every feminine instinct within her rebelled, and it was with difficulty she could prevent herself from breaking out into a loud 'No!' in face of aunt and lover. From this moment on her state of mind grew desperate. In the parlour, at the theatre, she was the brilliant girl whom all admired and many envied; but in my little room at night she would bury her face in my lap and talk of death, till I moved in a constant atmosphere of dread. ”

“ The poor man put his hand involuntarily to his high collar as if to explain away his apparent arrogance, but in reality because he was not breathing easily under the Schnorrer's attack.
"You are an uncharitable man," he panted hotly, driven to a line of defence he had not anticipated. ”