Percival Leigh

“ RULE IX.
INTEREST, &c.
To think of getting on in this world without Interest, is ridiculous. Place and Promotion are not for Fitness or Worthiness, but to serve particular Interests, private or public; and yet a [73] number of very simple persons, who have as large a green streak in them as a sage cheese, without its sageness, are continually wondering that virtue and talent do not get all the "good things" of a vicious community. Punch forbid! Is not virtue declared to be its own reward? and as to talent,—let a man be content with that. It is a positive monopoly to covet wit and money too. ”

“ In England there is nothing truly national but this debt, or dead weight, which is the mighty pendulum which makes the national clock "go upon tick." It is the true foundation of political economy and of social faith or trust; "'pon tick" is the basis of the wealth and happiness of our country, which it makes the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations. ”

“ Whenever there is a "rising," it is a sure sign that taxation is too light; consequently taxation should be so accommodated to the habits, tastes, and feelings of the people, as to fit them at all points, like well-made harness. If they grow too enlightened we can double the window-tax; if they be disposed to kick, put on the breeching in the shape of an income-tax; if they go too much by the head, we can raise the price of malt, and, by way of a martingale, put a duty on spirits; if they jib, we can touch them on the raw with "the house duty;" ”

“ It is surely something to know that in your little self a hundred are subject to hopes, fears, anxieties, speculations, aspirations, and a world of such like poetry. The greater the number of creditors, the greater must be the sensation produced; and the production of a sensation is every thing in fashionable society.
The old proverb was, "Out of debt out of danger;" but modern arithmetic teaches, "In debt out of danger;" the law of debtor and creditor being fashioned according to this maxim, which is now the Lex Scripta of the courts. ”

“ On the same principle of "Proportion," the operative is to have for his share the pleasure of [56] doing the labour; for if one man had the labour and the gains too, it would be abominable, and destructive to all the usages of society.
It is also strictly proportional, that we should pay not only for what we have, but for that which we have not. Thus church-rates ought to be inflicted, not so much for the benefit of the church, but as the substitute for that wholesome discipline of flagellation, unhappily discontinued, and for the "good of the soul;" ”

“ Hence the perishing of annual multitudes may be looked upon as a proof of the national wealth; and the poor-law system, and the Queen's Letter, but so much concern utterly useless; and the only remedy for our abundant population is for us to return to the system of the ancients, and legalize a few Herods, or, to go further back, to make every man a Saturn—the eater of his own children. ”

“ There is a tendency in every industrious nation to get on too fast. Taxation is the fly-wheel which softens and regulates the motion of the national machinery, the safety valve which prevents explosion, while that accumulation of taxation called the dead weight is a "clogger" to keep things down. ”

“ Subtraction is perhaps one of the most fashionable of all the rules; and any one who sets himself down for a gentleman must expect to be beset by a swarm of hungry locusts, who make a rule to bleed him at every pore till he becomes poor. ”

“ In this case, however, the pleasure increases with the entanglement, as the fly said in the honey-pot. The arms of a fair lady are the softest bonds; the poison of a maiden's lip the sweetest poison. To be in love is to be entangled in a cobweb of ten thousand ecstasies, where every string is bliss, and every mesh is beauty. In this web, Cupid sits as an angel in one corner, and Hymen on the other ”

“ Division teaches how to divide a number into two or more equal parts, as in the division of prize-money.
[39] Division is of great importance, whether political, ecclesiastical, commercial, civil, or social. Nothing is more likely to destroy your opponents than a split. Divide et impera is the true Machiavelian policy of all governments.
Numbers, that is the multitude, are to be divided, in a variety of ways,—by mob orators, or by mob-sneaks, or by parliamentary flounderers, or by mystifying pulpit demagogues. ”

“ The Rule of Subtraction is perhaps the most useful in either national, political, or commercial Arithmetic; "Take from" being the universal maxim of mankind from the day that Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit. ”

“ Hence, it is possible that even dissenters may be saved—the trouble of spending their money in other ways.
The "Tax upon Incomes" affords also a striking example of the doctrine of Proportionals. It is so beautifully equalized, that the loss upon one branch of trade is not to be set off against the gain of another, the object of the act being, no doubt, to put a stop to trade altogether, as the best means of placing things statu quo, the grand desideratum of modern legislation.
[57] "Bear ye each other's burdens" is a sublime maxim. ”

“ It must not be forgotten that this rule is one of proportionals, as its name imports. It therefore teaches proportion in all its relations, social and political; it is the rule of our country, and seeks to develop that beautiful equality and justice, so conspicuous in all our institutions, exemplified in the following well-known legal and constitutional maxim, viz. "One man may steal a horse, but another must not look over the hedge." ”

“ Principle, or Principal, is an old term used by our forefathers in "money matters" and commercial transactions, but is now obsolete. It formerly represented capital, and raised the British merchant in the scale of nations; but it is now a maxim of trade to discard Principle as not being consistent with Interest. It is paradoxically Capital to take care of our Interest, but it seldom requires any Principle to do so.
"The want of money is the root of all evil." Such is the new reading, according to the translation of a new sect called the Tinites. ”

“ Constructiveness, the organ of building, lies as a foundation for that of Music, and handy for the grating of saws, the knocking of hammers, and the squeaking of wheelbarrows, as accompaniments to Haydn's symphonies. Metaphysics are also handy for wit. Ideality is a parallelopiped, Hope is a square, Cautiousness a circle, Eventuality a semicircle; then we have cones, rhomboids, trapeziums, polygons, hexagons, decagons; [143] while Language, like the science itself, is all my eye. ”

“ RULE VIII.
FRACTIONS.
The word Fractions is from the Latin "Fractus," broken. A Fraction is therefore a part or broken piece. A broken head is a fraction; a broken heart is a fraction; a bankrupt is a fraction—he is [60] broken up; yet a horse is not a fraction, although he may be broken in—but his rider may have a broken neck, which is called an irreducible fraction. Speaking generally, therefore, a fraction may be considered as a "Tarnation Smashification."
FRACTIONAL SIGNS.
Fractions are of two kinds, Vulgar and Decimal. ”

“ But even among these the notion of "humbly, lowly and reverendly," will soon be exploded by the music and dancing system; the new philosophy of the times being, "Jack's as good as his master" and a "tarnation sight better;" every one feels this assurance.
Be assured, gentle readers, there is nothing like brass; it enables a man to put his best leg forward, and a good face upon any thing. Brass is the true philosopher's stone, which turns all it touches into tin. ”

“ National or Political Subtraction.—There is one part of the New Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely, "Now, Cæsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic.
Taxation is necessary just as blood-letting is necessary in plethora. Over-feeding produces a [32] determination of the blood to the head, and then radical rabidity breaks out into rebellion. Over-feeding requires bleeding. ”

“ The rule of Assurance is founded upon the fact, that there are no bounds to human credulity; well sustained assumption, with a very small amount of gumption, being alone requisite for miracles in commerce, trade, politics, or religion. ”

“ Instead of being taught to worship God, we are taught to worship money. Instead of honouring the Queen, we are told to bow down to the "golden image" which trade has set up; we no longer consult our conscience, but our pocket; for principle we read interest—for piety, pelf. ”

“ This wise arrangement of the collective wisdom of the Rule of Three (the three estates) is upon the principle of counter-irritation, that is, the best way to administer to the miserable is to inflict more misery, just as we put [55] a blister on one part to subdue inflammation on another, or set up a mercurial disease to cure a liver complaint. On the other hand, we cure villany by increased rations of beef, bread, beer, and potatoes, in accordance with the maxim, that "the nearest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." ”

“ To be in debt argues credit, and credit respectability, and respectability means, and means resolve themselves into the Funds; here they merge into the blessed obscurity of "nothingness," and being absorbed by the same media, pass for a "something" which is far more formidable than "anything." ”

“ Interest teaches us also to swear to anything and admit nothing; to prove, by the devil's rhetoric, that black is white and white black; to tamper, to shuffle, to misrepresent, to falsify, to scheme, to undervalue, to entangle, to evade, to delay, to humbug, and to cheat in virtue of the monied interest.
FAITH AND DUTY.
In the days of our forefathers, we had a most excellent compendium of Faith and Duty, called [78] the "Church Catechism," which taught us not only to "fear God and honour the King," but to be "true and just in all our dealings." ”

“ Comic Arithmetic.—If we wonder that the human mind could have conceived such a project, what must be our astonishment to find all its beatific visions realized, in such abundant corruscations of wit and drollery, which irradiate every page! ”

“ Detraction may be performed in a variety of ways, as for example:—"Oh, I know him—his great grandfather was—but no matter, and his mother—no better than she should be, but I hate to speak evil of the dead. I have enough to do to mind my own business—and yet one cannot help knowing—but yet nobody knows what he is or how he gets his money. He makes a show certainly, but I like things to be paid for before they are sported. His wife, too—what was she, do you suppose? As I have heard, a cook in a tradesman's family.—Well, a cook is not so bad after all—I am sure it is better than a doctor. ”

“ AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT.
To take care of our Interest is the great law of Nature, and is universally followed. Every one for himself, and Fate for us all, as the donkey said when he danced among the chickens, is as profound a maxim as the gnothi seauton of Plato. [74] "Take care of yourself" is of more importance than "Know thyself." To take care of oneself is a science which comes home to every man's business and bosom. ”

“ Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection of that god of honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add to our store by subtracting from the stores of others, that we may add to our importance. Let us so multiply our resources, by encouraging division among our contemporaries, that we may see their reduction in the perfection of our own practice. ”

“ England is per se a nation of shopkeepers—we do every thing upon the principle of small profits and quick returns. To barter the national honour [106] is legitimate policy; to sell up our enemies has been a practice since the days of the Plantagenets. ”

“ Long Division is so called when a long time is taken for the division of various sums, as in the case of the Deccan prize-money, or the Duke of York's debts. In these cases, various persons are [43] placed in the state of longing—hence the name of the rule, which is a figurative exemplification of "hope deferred."
Rule I—Teaches to work an expected legacy or an estate in reversion, or a right of entail, with a "post-obit bond," cent. per cent. on a stiff stamen.
Rule II—Teaches how to wait for a living instead of working for one. ”

“ It is philosophy turned to account. It is morality above par. It is a religion in which "every man may be his own parson," find his Bible in his ledger, his Creed in the "stock-list," his Psalter in the tariff, his Book of Common Prayer in the railway and canal shares, his Temple in the Royal Exchange, his Altar in his counter, and his God in his money. ”

“ Thick-heads, block-heads, bumble-heads, or basket-heads, which used in former days to be symbols of obesity, and gave rise to the maxim, "Great head, little wit," are now the indications of intellectual superiority. "The bigger the head the greater the genius," as the mushroom said to the cucumber; and to have a head as big as a baker's basket, or the bustle of a lady mayoress, is perfection. ”