R. von Krafft-Ebing

“ Honored sir, I have a responsible occupation, and I think I can give the assurance that my abnormal inclination has never, even in a hair’s breadth, caused me to deviate from the duty imposed on me. Aside from this abnormality, I am not insane, and I might ultimately become contented; but I have, particularly of late years, suffered too much not to look on the future with painful feeling. For the future will certainly not bring fulfillment of the desire which constantly glows under the ashes,—the desire to possess a lover who understands and returns my love. ”

“ I believe that onanism has changed the inborn feeling into a burning passion. I might long ago have put an end to my misery, since I have no fear of death, and since in religion—which, strange to say, has not departed from my impure heart—I find no warning against suicide. But the consciousness that I am not alone responsible, and that a worm has nipped my whole life in the bud,—a certain comfort that has sprung up of late out of indescribable suffering,—leads me to see whether comparative happiness in life cannot be obtained on an entirely new basis: something which fills the whole heart. ”

“ When the time is past when we men are permitted to carry sun-umbrellas, I have to endure great sensitiveness of the skin of my face, until sun-umbrellas can again be used. On awaking in the morning, I am confused for a few moments, as if I were seeking for myself; then the imperative feeling of being a woman awakens. ”

“ Urnings I hate in intimate relation, and for the majority of them I have an inexplicable and unjust aversion. I have never had but one urning for an intimate friend. On the other hand, the most affectionate and enduring ties bind me to men of my own age, in whose company I delight, but with whom I have no sexual relations, and who have no idea of my condition. ”

“ I often have the desire, however, to represent Sacher-Masoch in his ‘Venus in Furs.’ There a man makes himself the voluntary slave of a woman, and feels an intense thrill of lustful pleasure, if he is only chastised and humiliated by her. But I naturally feel that I could, under no circumstances, become the slave of a woman, but only of a man; more correctly, of a young man; one, however, for whom I should have such an infinite love that I could give myself up entirely to his mercy or cruelty. ”

“ As long as I have control of myself, I use all my strength to combat my nature. It is terrible when one can have no pleasure in associating with friends, and every erect soldier or butcher-boy makes one tremble and throb. It is frightful when night comes, and I watch at the window for some one to urinate against a wall across the way, and give me an opportunity to see his genitals. These thoughts are terrible; and besides, there is the consciousness of the immorality and criminality of my state of mind and my longing. I have a repugnance for myself that I cannot describe. ”

“ I am also sure that my respect for a woman—I move much in the society of ladies, and enjoy it—would change immediately to repugnance, were I to notice any sensual inclination in her toward me. In my dreams and sensual fancies of men, I always think of myself in such positions with them that their faces are always toward mine. My greatest delight would be to have a powerful man, undressed, take me in his arms with a force I could not resist. In such situations I always think of myself in a passive rôle, and have to force my feelings, in order to think of myself in any other position. ”

“ Convinced that the enigma of our existence can be solved, or, at least, illuminated, only by the unprejudiced thought of scientific men, I describe my life only with the aim of perhaps clearing up this cruel error of Nature, and possibly doing a kindness to people like me to come in later generations; for there will be urnings as long as men are born, just as it is a fact that they have existed in every age. ”

“ The picture of eternity seen by the faith of the Christian is that of a paradise freed from all earthly sensuality, promising the purest of intellectual happiness; the fancy of the Mussulman fills the future life with the delights of a harem full of houris.
In spite of all the aids which religion, law, education, and morality give civilized man in the bridling of his passions, he is always in danger of sinking from the clear height of pure, chaste love into the mire of common sensuality. ”

“ Even in his changed form, even when he can no longer recall the masculine sexual feeling, he would not wish to be forced to feel like a woman. He still knows very well that, before, he did not constantly feel sexually; that he was merely a human being uninfluenced by sex. Now, suddenly, he has to regard his former individuality as a mask, and constantly feel like a woman, only having a change when, every four weeks, he has his periodical sickness, and in the intervals his insatiable female desire. If he could but awake without immediately being forced to feel like a woman! ”

“ Nothing is so prone to contaminate—under certain circumstances, even to exhaust—the source of all noble and ideal sentiments, which arise of themselves from a normally developing sexual instinct, as the practice of masturbation in early years. It despoils the unfolding bud of perfume and beauty, and leaves behind only the coarse, animal desire for sexual satisfaction. If an individual, spoiled in this manner, reaches an age of maturity, there is wanting in him that æsthetic, ideal, pure, and free impulse which draws one toward the opposite sex. ”

“ Yet there must be some correct explanation of it; there must be some way in which the mass of mankind can be brought to a milder and more reasonable judgment of it; and, first of all, there must be some way to show that contrary sexual instinct should not be regarded as meaning the same as pederasty, as the majority of men—I may say all—regard it. By such an act a man might erect for himself an immortal monument in the gratitude of thousands of men of present and future generations; for there have been, are, and will ever be, urnings, and in greater number than perhaps has been suspected. ”

“ I have already thought of having my anomaly cured by hypnotism. If it were to be of any use, which I doubt, yet I should certainly desire to be assured of a lasting love for women. For even though I cannot satisfy myself with men, yet I prefer to feel this capability of inordinate lust and love, even ungratified, to being absolutely without feeling. Thus I still have the hope that I shall find opportunity to satisfy the love I desire, the love that would make me happy ”

“ My only happiness is to see myself dressed as a woman without a feeling of shame; indeed, when my face is veiled or masked, I prefer it so, and thus think of myself. Like 213every one of Fashion’s fools, I have a taste for the prevailing mode; so greatly am I transformed. To become accustomed to the thought of feeling only like a woman, and only to remember the previous manner of thought to a certain extent in contrast with it; and, at the same time, to express one’s self as a man,—it requires a long time and an infinite amount of persistence. ”

“ If I should not have this hope fulfilled, I know I shall be unable to long devote myself to my business with pleasure, and I shall soon be in a condition to sacrifice everything to obtain male love. I no longer have any moral scruples on account of my anomalous inclination; I have, in fact, never been troubled because I felt attracted to boys. I am much more inclined to judge morality and immorality in accordance with my feelings than in accordance with fixed principles; for I have always been given to skepticism, and have never yet studied out a fixed belief for myself. ”

“ In order to designate at once my unhappy diseased condition with its correct name, I will state at the beginning that it bears all the marks of what, in your work, ‘Psychopathia Sexualis,’ you have named effemination.
“I am now thirty-eight years old, and, thanks to my abnormality, I look back on a life that has been full of indescribable suffering; so that I am often astonished to think what capacity for suffering a man has. Of late consciousness of the suffering I have endured has become the source of a kind of self-respect, which, in itself, makes my life, in a measure, endurable. ”

“ The patient has never felt any inclination toward persons of the opposite sex. If she thought of marriage, it was only because she sought in matrimony a means of being supported. On the other hand, she felt powerfully attracted by girls. At first she regarded this inclination as friendship; but in the depth of her attachment to female friends, and in the longing she constantly felt for them, she recognized that the feeling was something more than friendship.
The patient cannot understand how a girl can love a man, but she can easily see how a man might love a girl. ”

“ How often in the society of normal men, when the conversation turns to contrary sexual instinct, must one agree with the words of abuse and contempt, while every one of them wounds the heart. On the other hand, there are always the tiresome and indecent jokes and talk about women, etc., that must be heard; and which to-day, in so-called ‘good society,’ are popular—and to show interest and give attention to them! Daily and hourly to see so many handsome men to whom one cannot reveal himself; to be compelled to go without a friend, intercourse with whom we desire so much ”

“ My inclination for women—if, in reality, I have ever had any—grew colder and colder. Two and a half years ago, when I visited a public house with very virile friends, I last performed coitus. There was erection, but no ejaculation. Women have become indifferent to me. A prostitute who acts coarsely excites my repugnance. With intellectual women, particularly when they are elderly, I like to converse, but in their society I am often unskillful and awkward, often devoid of tact. I have never been able to find any charm in woman’s physical form. ”

“ I have an interest in everything that concerns the well-being of humanity, and in science, art, and industry. With my energy it is comparatively easy to postpone for a time the satisfaction of my desires, which will be described hereafter. Intentionally and consciously, I curse the morality of to-day, which forces those who are abnormal sexually to break laws that are voluntarily established, and regards sexual congress of two persons of the same sex as a matter depending on the choice of the individual, and a matter in which law-makers have a right to interfere. ”

“ Any one with an adequate idea of the mental and moral suffering, of the anxiety and care, that the urning must endure; of the constant hypocrisy and secrecy he must practice, in order to conceal his inner instinct; of the difficulties that meet him in satisfying his natural desire,—can only be surprised that more insanity and nervous disturbance does not occur in urnings. The greater part of these abnormal states would not be developed, if the urning, like another, could find a simple and easy way in which to satisfy his sexual desire,—if he were not forever troubled by these anxieties! ”

“ During the last three years I have never lost for an instant the feeling of being a woman, and now, owing to habit, this is no longer annoying to me, though during this period I have felt debased; for a man could endure to feel like a woman without a desire for enjoyment; but when desires come! The happiness ceases; then come the burning, the heat, the feeling of turgor of the genitals (when the penis is not in a state of erection the genitals do not play any part) . ”

“ When she has become a mother she divides her love between child and husband. Sensuality disappears in the mother’s love. Thereafter, in marital intercourse, the wife finds less sensual satisfaction than proof of the love of her husband.
A woman loves with her whole soul. To her love is life; to a man it is the joy of life. To him misfortune in love is a wound; but it costs a woman her life, or at least her happiness. ”

“ In inner feeling and sexual desire, I am completely a woman. Without thorough education,—I passed through but few classes in the Gymnasium,—I am yet intelligent, like to read well-written, improving books, and have good judgment; but I allow myself to be carried away by the feelings of the moment, and I am easily influenced by any one who knows my weakness and how to make use of it. Constantly making resolves, I have never the energy to carry them out; like a woman, I am moody and nervous, often irritated without reason, and sometimes mean. ”

“ I have always absolutely despised pederasty as something unworthy a man, and I only wish that all those like me would do the same; but, unfortunately, with many this is not the case. If all like me thought as I do, then the contempt and scoffing of men that feel differently would be a still greater injustice to us than it now is.
“Toward the man I love I feel completely like a woman, and, therefore, in the sexual act I am quite passive. In general, my whole sensibility and feeling are feminine. ”

“ The mere æsthetic effect, the beauty of costly furs, to which every one is more or less susceptible; which, since Raphael’s Fornarina and Reuben’s Helene Fourment, has been used as the foil and frame of female beauty by innumerable painters; and which plays so important a rôle in fashion,—the art and science of female dress,—this æsthetic effect, as has been remarked, explains nothing here. Beautiful furs have the same æsthetic effect on me as on normal individuals, and affect me in the same way that flowers, ribbons, precious stones, and other ornaments affect every one. ”

“ When the patient was gently told of the congenital and deep constitutional significance of his sexual anomaly, and shown that, therefore, the creation of a normal sexual condition was doubtful, he thought that he would be satisfied to remain in his condition. But he wished to know whether it were not possible to eradicate his inclination for men, without attempting to create an equivalent for women; and if, in hypnosis, it could not be suggested to him that, in the future, men be a matter of indifference to him, and that, in intercourse with his friends, he no longer be excited sexually. ”

“ She had passionately loved and kissed some of her female friends, and she would have given up her life for them. Her greatest delight would have been to have constantly lived with such a friend and absolutely possessed her.
In this she felt toward the beloved girl like a man. Even as a little child, she had an inclination only for the play of boys, and she loved to hear shooting and military music, was always much excited by them, and would gladly have gone as a soldier. The chase and war have been her ideals. In the theatre only feminine performers interested her. ”

“ My libido for indulgence in sexual intercourse is extremely slight. Too, I have much love and taste for female handiwork, and, without assistance, I learned to crochet and embroider, and I like to do these things in secret. I also like other female employments, like sewing, etc.; so that at home, where I keep my proclivity perfectly concealed, and guard against indulging it by involuntary activity, I have often won the praise of being as good as a servant-girl; which did not make me ashamed, but, on the contrary, filled me with secret pride. I can make nothing out of dancing with women ”

“ I have emphasized the mental element, in order to show how deeply rooted my abnormal impulse is. I have never felt the slightest touch of sensual love for the opposite sex. The idea of being forced to associate sensually with women is repugnant to me. At times I have suffered enough on being assured of the love of young girls. Like every young man, I have had abundant opportunity to enjoy the modern social pleasures, dancing among them. I like to dance; but if I could dance with men, as a girl, I should be really happy. ”