T. Edgar Pemberton

“ Mr. W. Upon my soul, you know, this strikes me as being exceedingly interesting, and I really think that some one ought, in the cause of humanity, to come forward and submit himself to the experiment.
Fer. My dear uncle, you charm me. You evidently mean to place yourself in the light of the felon of the family whom I hoped to find; and, considering that you are not a felon, I really take it very kindly. When shall I inject—
Mr. W. No, no, Ferdinand; don't misunderstand me. As a man, and as a father, I don't feel justified in suspending my animation even for a minute. ”

“ My aunt, is, after all, one of the family, and by another member of it family prejudices ought to be observed.
Mr. W. (relieved) . What a good fellow you are, Ferdinand! You deserve a fortune. Now tell us how you have made it.
Walter. You have made me very curious, sir; for a fortune is just the thing which I want to make.
Fer. My dear sir, it is merely a question of time and tact, and the greater the tact the less need for time. Mine is a pure case of tact. ”

“ Ferdinand, do me a kindness. You are on the look-out for some one who does not object to be frozen. In the interests of science, I'm quite prepared to immolate myself. Freeze me, and I'll bless you as long as you keep me frozen.
Mrs. W. (approaching Emily and Walter) . Lastly, I was conscious when these dear ones (embraces them) revealed themselves to me in their true colors, and I learned that it was consistent with my duty to my parents to give them my blessing. ”

“ I confess I've buoyed myself up with the hope that I should find a felon in my own family, which would make things easy and pleasant for me. Is there one, uncle? I said good-by to a lot of cousins who promised well in that direction.
Mr. W. No, Ferdinand, there isn't one.
Fer. Hard lines, because there must be one soon.
Walter. But, failing a felon, what shall you do?
Fer. I see only one course open—I must marry, and freeze my wife.
Walter. You would have sufficient confidence in the project, sir, to try the experiment on your wife? ”

“ Emily. I need not tell you, papa, how happy this makes me.
Mr. W. I'm very glad, my dear, to know that one member of the family is likely to be happy. Now, Ferdinand, I'm quite ready. Freeze me.
Fer. With pleasure. You will feel one sharp prick in the lobe—
Mrs. W. Hold, hateful trifler with the sacred laws of nature! Is such a man as that fit to be frozen? I will freeze you when we are alone, sir! Ah, sad it is, when the old must be taught by the young, and that the daughter's lot should be happier than the mother's! (To Emily.) ”

“ Walter. Then why do not you submit yourself to the ordeal?
Fer. Damme, sir, don't you understand that as the proprietor of the patent I couldn't safely show any one how to bring me to life again? There's only one man could do it, and that's the American inventor; and he's such a devilish grasping fellow that when he hears I've brought the thing over here without consulting him, he'd be capable of keeping me suspended indefinitely.
Mr. W. Then how do you mean to proceed?
Fer. Oh! look out for a felon. England is the best field for that sort of thing, and that's why I came over here. ”

“ You take two or three drops of this colorless fluid, make the smallest of punctures in the lobe of the right ear, inject it, and the pain goes as if by magic. If you are suffering now, aunt—
Mrs. W. I am always suffering.
Fer. Then let me try.
Mr. W. Yes, my dear. Let Ferdinand try.
Mrs. W. It is your wish that I should do so, Mr. Watmuff?
Mr. W. My dear, of course it is. I would give anything to see you free from pain.
Mrs. W. It is enough; my husband's wish is law to me. (To Ferdinand.) Apply your remedy, sir. ”

“ Mr. W. What! Do you mean to say that you were sensible all the time that—
Mrs. W. I was conscious during the entire period. I was conscious, Mr. Watmuff, when you were gloating and exulting over what you believed to be my lifeless body.
Mr. W. (sinks in chair, and buries his face in his hands) . Oh, don't! Spare me! spare me!
Mrs. W. I was conscious, Mr. Watmuff, when you abstracted from my pocket the key of the cellar.
Mr. W. (groaning) . Oh, don't! don't! ”

“ Man has wife who makes things unpleasant at home,—freezes or suspends his animation till she comes round.
Walter. There is hardly novelty in that notion. Men before now have, under such circumstances, suspended themselves.
Fer. With a rope. Yes. But how much better is my plan! A few drops of this colorless liquid (producing bottle) injected into lobe of ear of patient will freeze, or suspend animation of patient, during will of practitioner. Remedy, few drops of another liquid injected into lobe of other ear, and warm bath. ”

“ I only remember being free, and being—well—married. Marriages, they say, are made in Heaven. I don't want to be irreverent, but sometimes I can't help wishing that Heaven had left me, as the charity cards say, "totally unprovided for." ”

“ Father of family finds things bad,—freezes, or suspends animation of family, and puts them on shelves until times mend. Man thinks he ought to give up horses, but doesn't like to sell old favorites,—freezes, or suspends their animation till price of hay and corn comes down, and things generally go up. ”

“ An American with more than usually speculative and powerful mind gets over the difficulty. Frost.
Mr. W. Frost?
Fer. Frost. Liquid discovered which, injected into the ear of animal, freezes him pro tem., and suspends the beggars animation for as long as you please. Freeze and suspend your animal in America,—unfreeze him in England by simple process of another liquid, and a warm bath,—he lives again,—you kill him,—and get fresh meat. Important to every man who keeps horse, cow, sheep, or pig,—vide advertisement of company, whose motto is, "Not lost, but gone before." (All rise.)
Walter. ”

“ To be running about from morning to night, as I am, continually relieving my fellow creatures from the excruciating pangs of neuralgia, makes life one long summer's day of happiness. It makes me so light-hearted that I'm always singing, or humming, or whistling, and so I'm known among my friends as the musical instrument.
Mrs. W. And what, may I ask, is your remedy?
Fer. The simplest thing in the world. You take— (feeling in his pocket for bottle) —Hullo! By Jove!— (seeing bottle on table) —Ah! ”

“ Watmuff into cupboard, and close the door on her.)
Mr. W. And now come, Ferdinand, and give me a light in the cellar.
(Exit Ferdinand Swift and Mr. Watmuff, door R.)
Mrs. W. (appearing at door of cupboard) . Varlets! Varlets! I say. Oh, that the spirits of my parents should witness this day! For some wives it is ordained that their husbands shall, so to speak, fly in their faces,—my most miserable husband has smoked in mine! Bitterly shall he rue it. My thanks are indeed due to that worthy young man, whom I fear I have misjudged, who apprised me of my danger ”