Mother-in-law

“ It is evident that already at this period a young married woman dreaded the tyranny of a mother-in-law, who indeed exercised a far greater authority over her than even her own mother. The mother-in-law was alone privileged to accompany the young married woman in society. ”

“ We wonder if young mothers, with their children still around them, speculate on the swiftly passing years which will change the scene! In a single decade, what alterations may there not be in the domestic circle, and how naturally may it come to pass that the daughter-in-law of to-day shall become the mother-in-law of the future. ”

“ Blessed is the young married woman who suffers patiently the infliction of a mother-in-law, for she in turn shall have the felicity of pinching her own daughter-in-law black and blue without remonstrance. ”

“ Frequently, however, a man is denied the privilege of taking his step-mother or his mother-in-law to wife, [1460] and in every state of the group, expressly or by implication, [1461] marriage between aunts and nephews, or uncles and nieces, is forbidden. ”

“ When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter — that’s something. ”

“ The mother-in-law is not dreaded in England. An English mother has no authority over her son: how could she dream of having any over a son-in-law? The mother-in-law is an object of terror in France, where the ascendancy of woman over man is a powerful factor in the social life of the country.
The French woman leads her husband by the nose, and her sons are submissive to her as long as they remain unmarried, and even when they are married they remain more or less under her influence until she dies. ”

“ He has a mother-in-law' (Why always a mother-in-law?) 'He has a mother-in-law, who sends him all day long to look for wood; when he does not bring any home, he is beaten; when he has got any, the Swiss who stands at the entrance of the park takes it all away from him, and keeps it for himself. ”

“ But armed as she is with the unlimited authority with which custom has invested parents, the mother-in-law has not always the best of it in the tussle with her daughter-in-law. She may be{202} good-natured and submit to the other as readily as she has submitted all her life to her husband ”

“ A series of questions which a group of Chinese students in an American university has drawn up include such as the following: "Where a young girl is brought into the home to be reared as the future bride of the boy in the family, is there any limit to the authority of the mother-in-law?" The mother-in-law in such cases being usually the older or chief-mother, she is really the grandmother-in-law. ”

“ It is the chief duty of a girl living in the parental house to practise filial piety towards her father and mother. But after marriage her duty is to honour her father-in-law and mother-in-law, to honour them beyond her father and mother, to love and reverence them with all ardour, and to tend them with practise of every filial piety. While thou honourest thine own parents, think not lightly of thy father-in-law. Never should a woman fail, night and morning, to pay her respects to her father-in-law and mother-in-law. Never should she be remiss in performing any tasks they may require of her. ”

“ When, however, the mother-in-law becomes a widow, she has to take a secondary place, if her daughter-in-law is at all of an age to manage her own affairs. Then the old lady often prefers to leave her son’s house, and to go and live with a married daughter, and the men are generally very good in taking in their mothers-in-law. ”

“ The time-worn jokes about the "mother-in-law" are based upon the fact that it is more often the daughter than the son who is expected to or needs to personally care within her own home for the mother. ”

“ If the maiden's lot is to be the first daughter-in-law in a large family, she becomes simply the one of the family from whom the most drudgery is expected, who obtains the fewest favors, and who is expected to have always the pleasantest of tempers under circumstances not altogether conducive to repose of spirit. The wife of the oldest son has, however, [88] the advantage that, when her mother-in-law dies or retires, she becomes the mistress of the house and the head lady of the family, a position for which her apprenticeship to the old lady has probably exceptionally well fitted her. ”

“ Besides, a mother-in-law who is always there, either in the same room or in the next, is a nuisance, and prevents a young married couple from drawing near to each other, and living exclusively for themselves. ”

“ The relationship of son-in-law and mother-in-law is always a strained one. The wife's mother may live with her under very decided limitations. It is not permitted to her to eat in the presence of her son-in-law, or to enter a room where he happens to be! ”

“ It sometimes happens that the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are suited to each other and live pleasantly together; but this presumes that both entertain exalted views of duty and are blessed with forbearing natures and yielding dispositions. ”

“ Many an honest, manly fellow would burn with shame if he would only consider how often he has not only permitted, but also joined in, the silly, unjust laughter which miserable punsters and negro minstrels and disappointed lovers and other incapables fling at the women of his own household. For if a man is married, or ever hopes to be married, his own mother is, or must be, a mother-in-law. ”

“ If the death of a wife dissolve the affinity between her husband and her daughter, it must dissolve the affinity between him and all her kindred. What follows?
1. A man marries a woman; and by his marriage he sustains affinity to all her kindred. Her mother becomes his mother-in-law ”

“ No children, no—nothin' but mother-in-laws an' tombstones. By gosh, why is it mother-in-laws last so long? I've got five mother-in-laws livin' this minute, an' the good Lord knows I never done anything to encourage 'em. I've lost four wives an' not a single mother-in-law. It don't seem right—now, does it, Anderson?”
“Well, if you'd married somebody nearer your own age, Liff, you might stand some chance of outlivin' their mothers. But you been marryin' women anywheres from fifty to sixty years younger'n you are. You must be derned near eighty.” ”

“ A mother-in-law, however good her intention may be (and no doubt her intentions are always good) , is pretty sure to prove meddlesome and dictatorial to a greater or less degree, and end by being an element of discord in what ought to be a happy home. ”

“ To arrive at certainty in the matter, I telegraphed to my father-in-law. This morning he arrived here with my mother-in-law. When they examined the girl they found a birth-mark on the left upper arm which convinced the mother that the girl was her daughter.
For you to marry her, under these circumstances, would confuse relationship. On this account and also as I feel it my duty to save you from this alliance so embarrassing to yourself at your age, I finally consented to marry the girl myself. Therefore please to come quickly with all the needful things. ”

“ From this passage we learn that a man is expected to marry his cross-cousin, the daughter of his mother's brother, in the lifetime of his uncle, and that on his uncle's death he is expected to marry the widow, his mother-in-law. Thus once more we are informed, on the best authority, that marriage with a mother-in-law, the widow of a mother's brother, follows as a consequence from a previous marriage with a cross-cousin, her daughter. ”

“ The wife must not only obey her husband, but is also much under the rule of her mother-in-law. A man sometimes brings his concubine into the house, and often her children as well, and these his wife is [pg 109] obliged to adopt. If husband and wife disagree, the go-between is usually consulted, and occasionally succeeds in arranging matters. ”

“ The eldest son, who inherits the house and land, almost invariably brings his wife to his father’s house, where she often becomes little better than a slave to her mother-in-law. By rigid custom she literally forsakes her own kindred, and her “filial duty” is transferred to her husband’s mother, who often takes a dislike to her, and instigates her son to divorce her if she has no children. ”

“ Those quarrels were generally caused and fomented by the female members of the family—a fact which will not seem strange if we try to realise how difficult it must be for several sisters-in-law to live together, with their children and a mother-in-law, within the narrow limits of a peasant's household. The complaints of the young bride, who finds that her mother-in-law puts all the hard work on her shoulders, form a favourite motive in the popular poetry. ”

“ There is hardly any doubt that there is something in the psychological situation of mother-in-law and son-in-law which furthers hostilities between them and renders living together difficult. The fact that the witticisms of civilized races show such a preference for this very mother-in-law theme seems to me to point to the fact that the emotional relations between mother-in-law and son-in-law are controlled by components which stand in sharp contrast to each other. ”

“ No matter whether her family be rich or poor, when a woman is performing her duties in her husband's house, she must look upon her husband's parents as her own. If her honoured father-in-law or mother-in-law fall ill, her being able to plait flowers and paint pictures and make tea will be of no use in the sick-room. To shampoo her parents-in-law, and nurse them affectionately, without employing either shampooer or servant-maid, is the right path of a daughter-in-law. ”

“ People talk of maternal love, and of woman's sphere, of her duty in the home, of her work for her babes, but the law has no reverence for the tie between mother and child, and ignores every claim of the mother who is also a. wife. The unmarried mother is far better off; she has an absolute right to the custody of her own children; none can step in and deprive her of her little ones, for the law respects the maternal tie when no marriage ceremony has "legitimated" it. ”

“ Instead of being left in quiet possession of what is rightfully her own, to use and guard with all a mother's care and watchfulness for the benefit of her children, the law comes in and claims the right to appoint administrators and guardians—to require bonds and a strict accountability from her, and to set off to her a certain share of what should be as wholly hers as it is the husband's when the wife dies. ”

“ Mothers have the right (and widows durante viduitate) to the custody of their sons until they attain the age of seven years, and of their daughters until they attain the age of puberty.
9. The mother's right is forfeited by marrying a stranger, but reverts on her again becoming a widow.
10. The paternal relations succeed to the right of guardianship, for the purposes of education and marriage, in proportion to the proximity of their claims to inherit the estate of the minor. ”

“ Those good, courteous, intelligent mothers-in-law need not alarm themselves—those who become a second mother to their sons-in-law, who double the delights of the dual life, who bring you the valuable blessing of experience and disinterested affection, and who act in the domestic storm as conciliatory judges. Hosanna and everlasting glory to such beings, sent by Providence to double your happiness. ”

“ In fact the law says to every woman: "Choose which of these two positions you will have: if you are legally your husband's wife you can have no legal claim to your children; if legally you are your husband's mistress, then your rights as mother are secure". ”

“ When the law gives to every mother the rights which now only the unmarried mother possesses,335 but imposes at the same time on every father the obligations which now only the married have—then it may be that the child will become a new and more valuable possession in the eyes of the man. ”

“ The present English law gives to the widow one-third of the property, and half the guardianship of the children. In case of divorce, the children under sixteen belong to the mother, unless she is notoriously unfit to have them. ”

“ And I found that by these same laws—when a man in the lifetime of his wife marries another woman, the said woman being in ignorance of the existence of the said wife, shall be held guiltless by the law, and her child or children, if she have any by the said marriage, shall be the legitimate offspring of the mother, legally entitled to bear her name and inherit her estates. ”

“ If she has no parents, no home, merely a room in a boarding house, she and her affianced may go to a clergyman's house and be married there. The church and the law should sanction the rite; therefore she will not permit herself to be married by a magistrate or a justice of the peace. ”

“ The father is the legal guardian of the minor children and by will may appoint a guardian of their property, but he can not deprive the mother of the custody of their persons.
The husband is required by law to support and maintain his family out of his estate and by his services unless the wife sees fit to allow him to use her property for this purpose. ”