Various

“ Taylor, as a recorder of history in Scott’s Last Expedition, was, I thought, a little too familiar; in these and other articles he is much more at home. But it is upon Dr. Wilson’s pictures (both serious and comic) that The South Polar Times can most justly pride itself. I envy Mr. Cherry-Garrard so prolific and brilliant a contributor. Still more I envy him (and all his colleagues at Cape Evans) the knowledge of such a man. ”

“ Really, it was most extraordinary. Nothing like it has ever been known in our family. I really cannot understand it.
Everybody passed the plate, and at last it came to Mr. Jones. He pointed at the top piece of bread-and-butter. Yes, he actually pointed. He then made the following extraordinary remark: “I say, hasn’t this broken loose from the bread-pudding, what, what?” Thereupon he pushed it on one side and took the next slice. I was ashamed and mortified for such a thing to happen in my house. Really, it was most extraordinary. ”

“ I said, “but my butter-dish was doing itself proud. It had sneaked up to a magnificent toast-rack with stabling accommodation for about eight pieces, given by somebody with a title. And you ought to have seen the fish-slices. The fish-slices wore gorgeous. I expect William will spend a great part of his married life in slicing fish. It will be a great change from golf-balls. But I think you really ought to have said a few hearty and well-chosen words to the young people.”
“That’s just it,” replied Charles in a mournful voice. “I did. I talked to the bride.” ”

“ Here the First Gentleman of Europe had displayed the rounded symmetry of those calves which had defied the serried legions of the French and, in their lighter moments, had captured the wayward fancies of the fair or mitigated the harshness of a statesman. ”

“ Perhaps the most striking result of Professor Keith’s appeal so far has come from the Isle of Man, where a magnificent three-legged skeleton has been discovered in the Caves of Bradda. The remains have been pronounced by Professor Quellin, the famous Manx anthropologist, to be those of a man not less than 175 years of age, whose facial angle bears so marked a resemblance to that of Mr. Hall Caine as to warrant the hypothesis that he was one of the royal ancestors of the eminent novelist. ”

“ Three numbers of The South Polar Times were brought out at Cape Evans, the winter quarters of Captain Scott, during 1911. Mr. Apsley Cherry-Garrard, the editor, has now presented them to a wider circle under the auspices of Smith, Elder, hoping that they will prove “a source of interest and pleasure to the friends of the expedition.” He need have no fears. Of course a paper produced under such conditions is in its nature esoteric, and many of its jokes are lost if you “don’t know Jimson.” But if you have previously read Scott’s Last Expedition then you will “know Jimson” ”

“ Highly commended.—A. should explain to his hostess that he has a peculiar hobby, to wit, collecting slices of bread-and-butter from the houses of the great. His collection of Royal Family slices is unrivalled. Might he have the pleasure and honour of adding to his collection this dainty specimen? He should then reverently fold the slice in two and place it in his breast-pocket. ”

“ Every time a new person came on the stage my friend eagerly perked up and lost his depression, hoping that at last it might be one of his old delights—a juggler or knockabout or something like that—but always he was disappointed. ”

“ For some weeks we have not flinched from filling our columns with picturesque accounts of the epoch-making events taking place there; and yet the Ginger-beer Press has cruelly put off its readers with the scantiest details, or else refrained from any sort of reference. We make our protest all the more vigorously because many of those readers have been driven to read our own journal in preference to the erroneous and misleading sheets to which we have referred. ”

“ Professor Keith, of the Royal College of Surgeons, reporting on the skeleton of a prehistoric twelve-year-old boy recently discovered near Ipswich, pronounces his stature to be much the same as the average height of a modern boy of the same age, but the size of the head is remarkably large. The professor states that he and his colleagues are trying to get hold of people of every period, going as far back as they can. ”

“ Perhaps, however, the most vital question of all will be raised in The Daily Jingo, where “Pro Bono Publico” will lay down his views on “Our Softening Sinews.” In his well-known style, which is so happy a blend of public spirit and split infinitives, he will plead for less indulgence in our dealings with the young. “We are,” he says in his peroration, which we were privileged to see, “raising up a soft breed, and we shall live to bitterly rue it. The future of the race is, of course, on the knees of the gods, but let us determine to also lay it across the knee of parent and schoolmaster. ”

“ With the approach of the silly season one’s thoughts turn naturally to the prospect of stealing into print and enjoying all the sweets of authorship without the reception of a cheque to vulgarise them. ”

“ A. should make a facetious remark, such as, “Hasn’t this escaped from the bread pudding?” He should then playfully but firmly push the slice aside and trust to luck on the next.
(2) A. must out of courtesy to his hostess accept thankfully whatever she places before him. Any other course of conduct would be an affront. It now however becomes his personal property and he can adopt whichever of the following courses is most convenient—
(a) Secrete it in a fancy flower-pot or in the gramophone.
(b) If the dog is a silent eater hold it behind his back so that the dog may get it. ”

“ To the announcement that “in view of the grave situation the King has thought it right to summon representatives of Parties, both British and Irish, to a Conference in Buckingham Palace, with the object of discussing outstanding issues in relation to the problem of Irish government,” he had only one new thing to add. It was that the Speaker would preside over the Conference.
This was the only passage in the brief formal conversation, to which Leader of Opposition and Leader of Irish Nationalists contributed, that elicited general cheer. A high tribute to occupant of the Chair. ”

“ Glossomancy is the new science which enables you to read people’s characters by the shape and size of their tongues. The above candidate for the position of parlour-maid is in the act of responding to an inquiry as to whether she is honest, industrious, good-tempered, truthful and obliging. There is fear that her action, though purely scientific, may prove fatal to the intelligent girl’s chances. ”

“ The descriptions of hardships borne and physical difficulties overcome by his hero are so vivid that they convey a sensation of actual bodily strain in a manner that only one other living writer can equal. ”

“ Note.—If the dog refuses to touch it, say loudly, “I cannot understand how any animal can decline such delightful bread-and-butter.” He can then openly dispose of it in the grate or the waste-paper-basket on the ground that the dog’s nose has vitiated its freshness.
LOVE’S LABOUR WELL LOST. [Lines inspired by a dark lady, who remarked, à propos of a recent disaster, that all fair girls were untrustworthy.] ”

“ It is not that the scope of the story—a man’s regeneration by love and hardship—isn’t a good one: quite the contrary. It is that I simply do not believe that human beings, especially those that figure in this book, would ever talk about themselves in this particular way. ”

“ Not only in California and not only in the lower grades of society, is Youth, vigorous and unspoilt, bound to acquire the taste if it would foregather on lively and intimate terms with its fellows; and not only in the saloons of the Oakland water-front are [pg 120] fine youngsters drinking themselves permanently silly because it is their only way of being men among men, jolly good fellows among jolly good fellows. ”

“ Problem 3.—A. is paying a call. His hostess offers him bread-and-butter. He notices that the top piece has suffered from the heat. What should A. do?
Answer adjudged correct.—A. should politely take the plate from his hostess, murmuring, “May I offer it to you?” If she refuses he should offer it to his nearest neighbour. When the offending slice has been got rid of in this way he can help himself to the next slice and then return the plate to its owner. ”

“ A storm of indignation has been raised in Berlin by an order (instigated, it is said, in a very high quarter) that all cafés must close at 2 A.M. A petition is being circulated which points out that this order will kill Berlin’s tourist traffic, “as the night life of the city is the only attraction for visitors.” ”

“ Business done.—Budget Bill dealt with on Report stage.
Thursday.—With that austerity that since Stuart times has marked relations of House of Commons with royalty Mr. Hogge is known at Westminster simply as the Member for East Edinburgh, a position he with characteristic modesty accepts. But blood, especially royal blood, like murder, will out. Lineal descendant of one of the oldest dynasties in the world’s history, Mr. Hogge cannot be expected always and altogether to be free from ancestral influence. ”

“ From Ulster-on-the-brain.
O. S.
The Best Holiday Insurance.
Mr. Punch ventures to hint to the gentlest among his readers that, while there are excellent methods of insuring against the disturbance of their holidays by accident or bad weather, the best way for them to insure happiness is to offer a share of it to those who cannot afford a holiday of their own. The very easy sum of Ten Shillings means a Fortnight among green fields or by the sea for one poor child, if the gift is sent—and now is the moment—to the Earl of Arran, Hon. ”

“ For instance, a cast of the head of a modern “nut” shows a compactness which compares most favourably with the overgrown cranium of the prehistoric boy reported on by Professor Keith.
The Captain of the Preparatory School. “Well, youngster, what is it? Want my autograph?”
“To-day there are 2,000,000 muskrats in Bohemia, and, like rabbits in Australia, they are spreading all over the fruitful regions of the province and destroying fish in the breeding ponds.”—Daily Mail.
You should see our rabbit destroying our trout. ”

“ Hogge: Can the Prime Minister say whether any of those taking part in the Conference attached any conditions to their entering the Conference?
‘I cannot sty,’ replied the Premier.”—Evening News.
Was this quite worthy of the Prime Minister? We ourselves do not care for these personal jokes on people’s names. ”

“ In conjunction with The Perfect Little Lady, which will discuss “The Highest Type of Man,” the editor of The Brain Pan will throw open his columns to all those with views on “The Most Attractive Girl.” For the start he has secured the services of “Virile Englishman,” who will put aside her knitting to take up the pen in obedience to his commands. The Perfect Little Lady’s first letter will be contributed by “Sweet Seventeen,” who has studied her subject by diligent attendance at all the best boxing matches of the current year. ”

“ The diarist purports to have been first drunk at the age of five, again at the age of seven, almost perpetually for a spell of years from the age of fifteen, and yet to have taken over a quarter of a century to acquire a liking for alcohol. ”

“ To each of them we sent a representative to ask for a subscription to the Society. Though they had never heard of it before, every one of those two hundred and fifty was easily intimidated into subscribing.
“Now let us consider another date—March 3rd. Several striking instances had led us to suspect that a person born on March 3rd comes into the world with an ineradicable passion for gambling. I will give you just one of these. A gentleman one day imagined he was seriously ill and called in a doctor. The latter laughed at his fears and offered to bet him that he would live to be seventy. ”