Various

“ Every extra penny you pay is a smack in the eye for the Kaiser, so cheer up and make a good big return."
"I will do," I said, "what is strictly fair between myself and the Government. I can afford to be just to the Chancellor, but, by Heaven, I cannot afford to be generous. Generosity has no place in an Income Tax return." ”

“ Forget how little business a Bachelor of Law has to lay his sceptical hands on such inappropriate material, and plunge into a jolly, bewildering tangle of tales of magic and adventure, bloodthirstiness and treachery, simple charity, vodka and genial superstition. ”

“ It has come as an immense relief to all true lovers of peace to learn that such German soldiers as have been taking part in the war on the Italian frontier have previously resigned their positions in the Kaiser's army and been re-enrolled under the Austrian flag, so that no untoward incident may disturb the profound peace which exists between Germany and Italy. ”

“ Of course it must be remembered that Italy has now signed on not to enter into a separate peace, and no doubt the only true economy is to make the present one go as far as possible, as it cannot be replaced. Still, since the sinking of the Ancona by a German crew (partially whitewashed so as to look like Austrians) , Italy's neutrality has become of an extremely virulent order. ”

“ Immediately the opposition lines resounded like a rifle-booth at a country fair. However our spectator descended unpunctured, and the only damage done was to our vanity, when Mahomet threw over a message attached to a stone to ask whether we would repeat the performance as he and a pal had a bet on as to who was the best shot and wanted a human aeroplane to judge.
But we have got a long way from Ibrahim. Ibrahim possessed the headpiece I am sending you. ”

“ Under the circumstances she has done nobly well to arm herself with the twin defences of cheerfulness and humour; and if the cheerfulness comes at times near to being that of a martyr on the rack, while the fun is perilously apt to swing from themes that are nice for a lady's wit to others that are not so nice, and back to sheer triviality, what, in the name of a population of sand-flies and negroes, can you expect? ”

“ It is common knowledge in Washington that if he can get no satisfaction on the Ancona question he will either despatch a new note (which will be almost an ultimatum) or simply pass on and declare war on Albania.
Portugal (as the ancient ally of Great Britain) , who has already been involved in a scrap with German troops in Angola, is naturally deeply exercised as to what are her present relations with Turkey. The matter is an urgent one and might become crucial in the event of a Turkish Zeppelin drifting in a fog over Portuguese territory. ”

“ From Joan Dalgleish to Mary Morris, Manchester.
December 23.
Dearest Mary,—I am sending you a little Christmas card, in the shape of a water-colour drawing with a calendar attached, which can be removed each year. It will remind you of the fine time we spent bathing and boating on the Welsh Coast, which I know you people in the North adore. I have long wanted to send you some token of our days together in that pleasant land, and, after much searching, here at last it is. ”

“ Behind him perhaps sits a maiden like Fate, who with abhorred shears fashions strange shapes and borderings of foliage unknown to mere nature. And further still, in yonder obscure and shadowy corner, is one who by her art can penetrate the future and outstrip the foot of Time himself. ”

“ But if you suppose that that is the whole dividend, you are much mistaken. It is the dividend minus the tax. The company saves you trouble by deducting the tax and pays it to the Chancellor for you."
"Bravo the company!" said Francesca.
"And so say I. You see you never get that part of your money, so there's no temptation to spend it—in fact you don't spend it."
"That," she said, "sounds highly plausible."
"Yes, but listen. Suppose you've got some little job at, say, two hundred and fifty pounds a year"—
"Like the little job you were so pleased to get a few years ago." ”

“ Civilisation is turned back to front out there, for although such comforts as refrigerators and electric light are a matter of course, there is still lacking to Mrs. Henry de Jan and her rather shadowy William anything, for instance, in the nature of a road on which to walk, or indeed any approach to their own verandah except, floating on the clay, a narrow plank gangway that has to serve as a hustling high-road for a mixed and dusky populace. ”

“ Incidentally Mahomet at present inhabits a sniper's post surrounded by a perfect thicket of barbed-wire, and I had a bright scheme for its removal. I got hold of a trench catapult, an ingenious contrivance of elastic that hurls a bomb some hundreds of yards, and placed in it a harpoon attached to a long coil of rope. The idea was that on release of the catapult the harpoon would be hurled in the air, the rope would neatly pay out, and then, as soon as the harpoon had grappled Mahomet, all we would have to do would be to haul on the rope and over would come the whole bag of tricks. ”

“ Jimmy had to bite his lip as he refused the exercise-book, and then with head erect and lips no longer trembling he went forth to face the ordeal.
Form II. had arranged themselves in two ranks, facing one another, and the knots in the handkerchiefs were firm and hard. "You have got to bunk through and back again and then down again," said Jones minimus in a hoarse whisper. ”

“ I see Them rising, a little wearily, perhaps, and heavy-eyed. Breakfast They snatch, and so out into the winter morning towards that place where, unknown and unrecognised, They pursue throughout the year Their changeless toil. ”

“ Rundall, from material which in some cases was admittedly slight, could weave a tale full of magic and charm. The story of the old brown bear in "The Scape-goat" may not greatly stir the heart with the thrill of adventure, but the hero has attractions that no child and no man that has not forgotten his childhood could resist. ”

“ Miss Florence Smithson, an accepted Drury Lane favourite, looks very charming, makes love in pretty kitten wise and still indulges in those queer harmonics of hers—virtuosity rather than artistry, shall we call it?—but is altogether quite a nice princess of pantomime. ”

“ Unmanned for a moment I recovered, and I slowly slid my fingers down his hirsute neck and with a gentle titillation slid the flap clear. Ibrahim merely stirred in his sleep and resumed his slumbers. Triumphantly hugging the trophy to my bosom I crawled back to our barricade.
The saddest part of the tale is yet to come. I had promised to procure you a trophy unstained by association with human slaughter, but when the day dawned there lay poor Ibrahim stiff and stark behind his barricade, killed by a cold in his head.
PANTOMIME ANNOUNCEMENTS.
"Message Boy Wanted for Butchery." ”

“ People who look at the black side of things, who think chiefly of themselves—these are the wumbled. The cure is star-dust—which is sympathy. The treatment was discovered by the children of a poor author in a cheap Swiss pension and by "Cousinenry," a successful business man of a quite unusual sort. You have to get out into the cave where the starlight is stored, gather it—with the help of the Organ Grinder, who loves all children and sings his cheery way to the stars; and the Gardener, who makes good things grow and plucks up all weeds ”

“ I imagine Them gathering with mutual greetings in the workroom—a little company about whose features I have so often speculated. Poets are there, and artists; probably some among the men may wear their hair a trifle longer than the military fashion of to-day; but the greater part of the crowd are almost certainly women. ”

“ Sven Hedin is reported to have said, "Peace will be dictated from Berlin." And so say all of us!
Relations between Potsdam and Sofia are said to be badly strained. Three days after the Kaiser had issued his celebrated manifesto, "To my noble and heroic Serbian people," Ferdinand in the Sobranje was publicly denouncing the Serbians as obstinate, treacherous, and tyrannical. The Kaiser considers this conduct extremely tactless, and threatens, if it continues, to spell Bulgarian with a "V."
All hitherto-published explanations of the threatened German attack on the Suez Canal are hereby cancelled. ”

“ However, to refer back to the map once more, our barricade across the ditch is a most convenient spot for observing artillery fire and as such is frequently used by me. Unfortunately my view was always hasty and badly interrupted by the attentions of a Turkish sniper behind their barricade. This man's name was Ibrahim, and he was a Constantinople cab-driver, married, with two children, both boys. You may be surprised that we know so much about the enemy, but we live in such close proximity that opposite the Lancashire Fusiliers a Turk named Mahomet, who lives at No. ”

“ I was somewhat surprised, but, thinking it best to humour him, I read the first sentence, which was: "In view of possible attack by hostile aircraft, it is necessary that the blinds of all trains should be kept down after sunset," and gave him my opinion of it. ”

“ The conjunction of a rib, a garden, and a fall has in at least one previous case resulted in permanent injury.
A martyr to insomnia threatens, unless the Government stops the whistling for taxis, to let Mr. McKenna whistle for his.
Our men in the trenches are beginning to welcome the German gas-attacks. ”

“ A job's a job even if it does make you pay. You've had £210 on balance, and you ought to be thankful to have been allowed to pay forty pounds for munitions."
"And now," I said, "perhaps you'll let me get on with my work."
R. C. L.
The Pull-Through:
Being a paraphrase of an answer in an O.T.C. examination.
Just one long pull, a straight strong pull—no other pull will do;
A man must never take two pulls to pull the pull-through through. ”

“ If you read the concluding sentence, Sir, you will observe that it begins: 'The blinds may be lifted in case of necessity!' (That, I need hardly say, is entirely my own. There is a sort of inspired swing in it, the true lyrical lilt with which even red-tape has not dared to tamper! But mark how they go on) : 'when the train is at a standstill at a station, but, if lifted, they must be lowered again before the train starts.' And this insufferable bathos, forsooth, was substituted for lines like these:—
"'The blinds may be lifted in case of necessity ”

“ She was not going to risk her own Christmas stocking.
"It is no easy thing to replace an artist of the quality of Miss Lily Elsie, who, in spite of the warmth of her reception at His Majesty's Theatre, recently took so severe a chill that the doctor would not hear of her playing again for some time."—Daily Mail.
The figurative has no chance with the actual. ”

“ The fact is that the Kaiser's fleet is increasing so rapidly that it has outgrown its present accommodation.
During the visit of Mr. Ford's Ark to Bergen the following notice was posted up at the Grand Hotel:—"All members of the Henry Ford Peace Expedition are requested to call for their laundry at the Grand Hotel, Room 408, Tuesday evening after supper. ”

“ Will most indubitably bomb it!'
"That," he observed complacently, "is not only verse of the highest order, but clearly conveys the reason for such precautions, which the official mind chose to cut out. And now let me ask you to read the next paragraph." I did so. "At night-time when the blinds are drawn" it ran, "passengers are requested before alighting to make sure when the train stops that it is at the platform." ”

“ Parcels of food are sent to them, fortnightly to each man, as well as clothing and tobacco; and it is known that they receive all that is sent. Mr. Punch begs his readers to help the fund from which these simple comforts are provided, and to address their gifts to Lady Gwendolen Guinness, at 11, St. James's Square, S.W. ”

“ They are very brave, some of them, and are so called after St. Patrick, who is Ireland's private saint. The patriots who are brave make splendid soldiers. The patriots who are not brave go to America. ”

“ Well, to refer to the map, you will observe that there is an old ditch running between the two lines of trenches, and both sides have advanced a certain distance along this ditch and have built barricades about ten yards apart. Every day it is part of my job to take a constitutional along our trenches, and after discussing the European situation and the latest Budget with the various battalion commanders to ask them whether there is any particularly obnoxious part of the opposition line they would like me to salute with my battery. ”