Various

“ JOKIM doesn't enjoy performance quite so much as GENIAL GEORGE. Oddly enough, Budget Night, which ought to be the apex of comfort and glory for CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER, is with him ever the season of tribulation. House of Commons is, regarded as audience, always at its best on Budget Night. ”

“ THE ADOPTED CHILD.
"Last year the CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER frittered away his resources in a number of small remissions, for which hardly anyone was grateful. This year he squanders the greater part of his surplus in providing for Free, or—as the phrase is—Assisted Education—an innovation for which there is hardly any genuine demand, and which a very large class of the community, including many of the most loyal supporters of the Government, view with rooted distrust."—The Standard.
MRS. GAMP (the "Old Regular") loquitur:—
"More changes, too, to come afore we have done with changes!" ”

“ Nusses now ain't no more like old SAIREY, no not than the old Aldgit Pump.
Like the Cristial Palluses fountings; A Pilgjian's Projiss is life,
And a Nuss ain't no more like a Nuss than a Wife now resembles a Wife. ”

“ Oddly enough boxes empty; stalls a wilderness; pit only half full. Energies of House so sapped with dreary flood of talk on Irish Land Bill cannot be reanimated even for a brisk battle over the Budget. ”

“ Then comes HARCOURT with the abhorrëd shears of facts and figures, and slits the thin-spun web of JOKIM'S ingenious fancy; shows that, instead of a surplus, he has, when honest arithmetic is set to work, a deficit; instead of increasing the rate of reduction of National Debt, he has done less in that direction than his predecessors; and that whilst expenditure on Army and Navy has exceeded any figures reached by former Chancellors of the Exchequer, the floating debt is ever growing. ”

“ It is true that when the SAGE has got him on his legs, starting afresh on new Amendment, he seizes the opportunity to slink out of the House, and take another cigarette, quite certain that the PARTY is good for half-an-hour. ”

“ Punch's Own entered the Royal Naval Exhibition, which now occupies the larger portion of the grounds of the Military Hospital, Chelsea. That so popular a show should be allowed to occupy so large a site speaks wonders for the amiability of the British Public. ”

“ In meanwhile, the Woman's Suffrage Debate on Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of Session lost.
"I'm inclined," said WM. WOODALL, "as a rule, to take kindly views of my fellow men, to put the best construction upon their actions; but, upon my word, I'm not satisfied in my own mind that we advocates of Woman's Rights have not been made the victims of deep and dastardly design."
"Order! Order!" said COURTNEY; "no more am I."
Business done.—Woman's Rights men dished.
Friday.—Brer FOX looked in to-night, and, finding Brer RABBIT absent, undertook charge of Irish affairs. ”

“ Irish Land Bill, which, as CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN says, makes a Moated Grange of House of Commons, on again all day. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE and his Party active as usual. The PARTY a little doubtful of the SAGE. Sometimes, in blessed intervals of silence, is discovered gazing on a bald space on back of SAGE'S head, striving, as it were, to pierce through this weak spot, and discover what is in the SAGE'S mind. The SAGE in outward manner most deferential and encouraging. Misses no opportunity of publicly applauding him. ”

“ Committee naturally expected he would. But OLD MORALITY had another card up his sleeve. At very last moment, whilst Members trooped out, and it was thought all was over, OLD MORALITY gave notice of motion to take the whole time of House, including Tuesday and Friday nights' evening sittings.
"I think you had them there," I said, as we walked across to Grosvenor Place.
"Yes, TOBY," he said, a little flush mantling his modest face; "we've given them rope enough, and now we'll hang them. They've had their run, now we'll take ours. It's the main thing I always look to. ”

“ Yes, we're realistic types of human nature, and all that—but a trifle squalid, perhaps. And why did you give LÖVBORG your pistol, when it was certain to be traced by the police? For a charming cold-blooded woman with a clear head and no scruples, wasn't it just a leetle foolish? ”

“ Business done.—Once more Committee on Irish Land Bill.
Thursday.—A pretty little game on to-night. OLD MORALITY moved his Resolution taking power to appropriate Tuesdays and Fridays evening sittings, and all Wednesdays for Irish Land Bill. In ordinary circumstances there would have been stormy protest led from Front Opposition Bench against this inroad on time of private Members. Other fish to fry to-night. Wednesday week assigned for Second Reading of Woman's Suffrage Bill; if Government take that day for Irish Land Bill, obviously can't be utilised for furtherance of Woman's Rights. ”

“ Madame RICHARD—"O Richard, Oma Reine!" repeated her grand impersonation of Fides, but being a trifle "out of it" as to tune occasionally, I cannot be Fidei Defensor, and swear she was quite correct, so can only report that RICHARD was a bit "dicky"; otherwise, sings like a Dicky-Bird. Cathedral Scene magnificent. Rites are wrong, probably; but these are trifles, except to strict ritualists. Skating Scene not up to date; it was a novelty once upon a time, but rinks have done for it. ”

“ Why, who would not, after this, have his back drawing-room converted into the quarter-deck of the Shannon, and his spare bed-room into a tiny reproduction of the Battle of Copenhagen!
Mr. Punch's Representatives, after partaking of Chelsea Hospitality (a purely fancy sketch) .
The Scribe and the Artist, on their visit, were invited by all sorts and conditions of men to partake of champagne. The moment it was discovered that they were "connected with the Press," the offerers of hospitality were absolutely overwhelming. ”

“ Oh, I've just admitted that I did give him the pistol—how annoyingly unwise of me! Now I'm in your power, I suppose?
Brack. Precisely—for some reason it's not easy to understand. But it's inevitable, and you know how you dread anything approaching scandal. All your past proceedings show that. (To GEORGE and Mrs. E., who come in together from the back-room.) Well, how are you getting on with the reconstruction of poor LÖVBORG'S great work, eh? ”

“ By this time, all Amendments to Clause 3 being wearily worn off, opportunity just left to pass Clause before Sitting adjourned. Question put that Clause 3 pass. Then SAGE, smelling obtrusively of cigarettes, interposed, and declared it "would be indecent" to accept the Clause without further discussion. Nothing House shrinks from just now more abjectly than from charge of indecency. ”

“ And now you come dandling, and doddling, and patting the brat on the 'ed,
And forgetting the things as you promiged, and backing on all as you said.
Missis G., you do raly amaze me! This comes of our precious mix-up;
Which the child's no more like one of ourn than a pug's like a tarrier-pup.
In the best-regulated o' fam'lies things will go askew, I'm aweer;
As I says to my friend Mrs. HARRIS, as says to me, "SAIREY, my dear,
You looks dragged, my sweet creetur," she says. "Missis HARRIS," I makes 'er reply,
"When the 'art in one's buzzum beats 'ot, there's excuge for the tear in one's heye. ”

“ They pay the Income Tax, sure enough. It's as much as they can do to keep bodies and souls together. But somebody must pay—why not they?—pay for themselves—and for me!"
THE DUMB SHOW.—It sounds odd that the serious pantomime, L'Enfant Prodigue, the play without words, should be "the talk of London."
LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
Canvas and Scrutiny.
"George Hotel," Billsbury, Friday, April 25th.—Arrived this morning in order to attend a "Monstre Open Air Conservative Fête, which was held in the grounds of the Billsbury Summer Palace. The programme was a very attractive one. ”

“ As it was, they were able to take their departure through the main entrance with some show of dignity, and not in a less imposing manner (as the Committee—Cook's Gallery near the Dining-rooms—ho! ho! ho! ha! ha! ha!—would probably and amusingly suggest) , by Tite Street.
AMONG THE IMMORTALS.
Mr. PUNCH would be failing in his duty to Art and the British Public if he did not place on imperishable record his notes of the exceptionally brilliant Royal Academy Banquet of last Saturday. ”

“ SCENE.—The same Room, but—it being evening—darker than ever—The crape curtains are drawn. A Servant, with black ribbons in her cap, and red eyes, comes in and lights the gas quietly and carefully. Chords are heard on the piano in the back Drawing-room. Presently HEDDA comes in and looks out into the darkness. A short pause. Enter GEORGE TESMAN.
George. I am so uneasy about poor LÖVBORG. Fancy! he is not at home. Mrs. ”

“ No. 544. Josephine Grimaldina; or, Female Clown, the next novelty in Pantomime, dedicated to the author and composer of L'Enfant Prodigue. JOHN S. SARGENT.
No. 667. Feeling his Bumps; or, Phrenology in the Olden Time." ERNEST NORMAND.
No. 651. Gentleman ready for riding, but no spurs. "Where the deuce have I put them?" he is evidently saying. "All ready but that. Can't find 'em anywhere!" ”

“ There were Conservative merry-go-rounds, Conservative negro-minstrels, Conservative acrobats and Conservative dancing bears, distributed about the grounds. I was taken about by Alderman MOFFAT and HOLLEBONE, who introduced me right and left to hundreds of my supporters and their wives and daughters. At the end of it all I felt as if I had got a heavy sort of how-do-you-do smile regularly glued on my face. One of my chief supporters is an undertaker named JOBSON. HOLLEBONE brought him up to me and said, "Mr. JOBSON, permit me to introduce you to our popular young Candidate, Mr. ”