Various

“ She was once married to a racing man of shady reputation and great wealth, but having soon wearied of the mock-respectability of a quasi-matrimonial existence, she makes the acquaintance of Mr. Justice Butt at a moment when he is engaged neither upon the probate of wills nor on the collisions of ships. Yet her dislike of one husband who happened for a time to be her own has not in the least impaired her affections for the husbands, actual or to be, of others. No lady can be considered truly Corinthian unless she has figured as the defendant in an action for goods supplied by a milliner. ”

“ Lady B. That knowledge will come! And the beer, Monkshood—you saw it broached?
Monks. Upon the village green; the mortality is still spreading, it being found impossible to undo the knots in which the victims had tied themselves. The sweetmeats were likewise distributed, and the floor of the hinfant-school now resembles one vast fly-paper.
Lady B. (with a touch of remorse) . The children, too! Was not my little Elfie once an infant? Ah me, ah me!
Elfie (aside) . ”

“ The above, Mon cher Monsieur, are the principal Rules, as arranged by the Committee, and you will see that they have been drawn up with a view to eliminating the bloodthirsty boule-dogue ferocity from a pastime which, under the title of Le Kick-Balle Fight, bids fair to become the characteristic sport, gay, active, and courage-inspiring, of our modern French youth awakened with élan and ardour to the athletic spirit of the age which has overtaken them. ”

“ Do the souls of men whose books,
So they tell us, outshine Dickens, rise superior to "spooks"?
Do the phantoms, having read them, fly in terror and in pain
At the cult of vivisection of La belle Américaine?
Howells puffs up Dudley Warner, who declares his Howells fine.
Do the spectres hate "log-rolling," and to haunt the place decline?
Are there no ghosts in New England? Really, this is something new. ”

“ Mon Cher Monsieur,
It is with the feelings of a 'Igh Life-Sporting-Gentlemans most ecstatic and profound, that I find myself preparing "Le Onze" of the great spirited youths of our Lycée, who have, brave-souled heroes, volunteered to meet on the véritable champ de bataille of the kicke-legges-match your Public-school-team, who have thrown in their faces the challenge glove of combat. ”

“ Receive, Mon cher Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished consideration,
Le Heads-Masterre of the Lycée Janson de Sailly.
THE FARTHING NOVEL SERIES.
Now that the entire works of the late William Shakspeare can be purchased (allowing for discount) for fourpence-halfpenny, it seems strange that no publisher has issued the more celebrated of our romances at the rate per volume of the smallest coin of the realm. That it can be done will be obvious to the meanest comprehension. All that is required is brevity and intelligibility. ”

“ Peter O'Brien, not yet expanded since compressed by contiguity of Thomas Bayley Potter, asked whether complete copies of the evidence would be supplied to other persons incriminated, but not being Members of the House? Old Morality at the counter again; the old Adam in him stronger than ever. Here was a pretty proposal! Bound to supply this interesting work gratuitously to Members of Parliament; to go beyond that most unbusinesslike.
"No, Sir," he said, firmly; "it is open to other persons to obtain the volumes by purchase." ”

“ There she occasionally consents to dance; more often she sups to an accompaniment of Viennese music, loud and mirthless laughter, jests which are as fatuous as they are suggestive, and wine which, unlike the humour of the plated youths, her companions, is always sparkling and sometimes dry. ”

“ Finally, however, in spite of her gallant and protracted struggles, the years overtake her. She begins to be talked of with a pitying contempt as "Old So-and-So"; art ceases to outwit Nature, and she herself can no longer deceive men. ”

“ Tuesday.—"Well," said Thomas Bayley Potter, sinking slowly into corner seat, grateful to find that Peter O'Brien was his neighbour, for Peter finds it possible to pack himself into a limited space and Thomas Bayley's proportions are roomy—"well it is nice to see how these old colleagues love one another. Come next April, I have sat in House man and boy for twenty-five years. Have found that on some pretext, on one occasion or another, they are always at it, scratching each other's face, pulling one another's hair, or stabbing each other in the back. ”

“ No two opposing combatants must ever, under any circumstances, permit themselves to touch each other. The great skill of the new game will be, by subtle and appropriate gesticulation, to dance out of each other's way. On any two opposing combatants, by any chance, touching each other, "Le Capitaine" of either side will appeal to the Umpire, and, after the manner of "Le jeu de Cricket," will propose for him the simple question, "Mister Umpire, 'ow is that?" ”

“ She possesses the secret of nocturnal youth, and her eyes are warranted to kill across a supper-table, yet she is no longer young, and sometimes betrays herself by her anecdotes of familiar associations with "boys" who have long since passed into respectability and middle-age. ”

“ Thursday.—"Curious," said Campbell-Bannerman, "how habits ingrained in early life, born in the blood as it were, come out at chance times. Here's Old Morality been for a generation practically divorced from business affairs in the Strand, and yet look at him now, and listen to him!"
Strange transmogrification truly. Arose on question put by Hunter as to when the ten volumes of evidence, upon which Report of Special Committee founded, would be on the bookstalls. ”

“ Dear Charley,—I'm afraid I'm not of much use. Send in application about your pop-guns, and I will look after it as much as can. You mustn't expect much, as the Department has a way of knocking a thing about for months—sometimes years—and then quietly shelving it. Hope to see you soon.
Thine ever,
Thomas Tenterfive.
Report of Ordnance Committee, to be forwarded to the Adjutant-General.
We have examined the Bounder Patent Ironclad Pocket Revolving Cannonette, and consider it a weapon that might possibly be introduced into the Service with advantage, if the cost of production is not excessive. ”

“ For some time she clings to the fringe of the society she once adorned; but sinking gradually from the Corinthian to the Continental, from the Continental to the Cavour, from the Cavour to a supper-less Music-hall existence, and hence, after many misfortunes, to the cold comfort of the pavement, she ends her days decrepit, obscure, and unfriended, in the back bed-room of a Soho lodging.
GHOSTLESS BOSTON.
[It is said that the Psychical Society could find no authentic stories of ghosts in Boston, U.S.A.]
Not a ghost in bumptious Boston! ”

“ Harcourt, a little out of it, sits and ponders, possibly thinking of the days when he was plain Mr. Vernon Harcourt, and, seated below the Gangway, used to, in company with his young friend, Mr. Henry James, bait Gladstone, then on Treasury Bench, hastening to the catastrophe of 1874.
"Makes me feel quite old," said Thomas Bayley Potter, dexterously appropriating another half-inch of the space that rightfully belonged to Peter O'Brien. "Seems but yesterday that Harcourt and James were in the running, one for Attorney-General, the other Solicitor-General. ”

“ Dear Tommy,—I say, can't you give me a leg up, to get the Government to adopt my confounded pop-guns? The foreigners don't seem to see them much, and, hang it all! a true-hearted Johnnie should give his native land the first chance. ”

“ Bring and Rhymer, the great Cooks, as amost everybody knos and reweres, I seed a henwellop a laying on the pavement, which I naterally picked up, and put in my pocket quietly, and then, crossing over to the Royal Xchange, jest hoppersit, I sets down on one of the forms kindly purwided by the generus Copperashun and the Mersers Company, six of one, and arf a dozzen of the other, for the rest of the weary traveller.
Then I quietly hopened my henwellop—which, strange to say, hadn't no name on it—and hinside it I found a check for twenty-five pounds! It was payable to "No. 2,437, or Bearer." ”

“ Lady B. When what? Do not torture a wretched old woman!
Monks. When I heard a loud report behind me, and, in the portion of a brace, two waistcoat-buttons, and half a slipper, which hurtled past my ears, I recognised all that was mortal of the late Sir Vevey. You mixed them cigars uncommon strong, m'Lady.
Elfie (aside) . Can it be? But no, no. ”

“ It is this making of "Le Balle," a light, gay, and altogether ethereal creation which will strike the key-note of the new game of Le Kick-Balle Fight as a recognised pastime for the courageous youth of modern France.
2. Le Onze, will all wear one uniform, which will consist of white satin slippers, pantalons of cashmere, with feather pillows worn as a protection strapped over the knees, a bolster being wound round the body to safeguard the chest, ribs, and spinal column. A broad gay, coloured satin sash with a cocked hat and ostrich feathers completes the costume. ”

“ Her versatility has gained for her many admirers and a precarious income, but so long as she possesses the former she scorns to live upon the latter. Being unquestionably a real lady, she has been elected an honorary member of a night club to which undoubted gentlemen resort. ”

“ First time, don't you know; everybody dying to see how it goes off; warrant you they shan't be disappointed."
Cobb the Curious came on with first interrogatory. All about fox-hunting and fox-hunters. Pretty to see Cobb, having submitted his question under ten sub-heads, place hands on knees and fix Minister with steady stare. Chaplin advanced to table with graceful carriage and confident bearing; produced with imposing flourish a sheaf of notes, foolscap size, stoutly sewn, apparently exceeding a dozen in number; began to read with practised elocutionary art ”

“ It means that the sight of this 'ere angel- [Pg 101] child recalled me to a sense of what I might be exposin' myself to by carrying out your Ladyship's commands; and so I took the liberty of substitootin gifts more calculated to inspire gratitude in their recipients—that's what it means.
Lady B. Wretch!—then you have disobeyed me? You leave this day month!
Elfie (pleading) . Nay, Grandmother, bear with him, for has not his disobedience spared you from acts that you might some day have regretted?... There, Mr. Butler, Granny forgives you—see, she holds out her hand, and here's mine ”