Various

“ It's evidently the fashion to be very young—for men, at least. Sometimes I wish it were the fashion to be old enough to know better. If Oriel really has been engaged before, and may be again, and if getting engaged to people is only a sort of habit of his, perhaps he would not mind so very much if I were to break it off. ”

“ Say, shall I write to you in verse Of metre strange and frantic, Which by neglect of barriers Proves genius gigantic? Is modern fiction dear to you? In scandal while I grovel, I will endeavour to outdo Its most pernicious novel! ”

“ For instance, a work may be described in one place as "possessing in the highest degree the master qualities of brilliant humour and profound pathos"; while, in another notice, published on the same day, it may be condemned as "an essay in stupid buffoonery, which mistakes inversion for paradox, and makes a parade of sentiment as laughable as its efforts at humour are melancholy." It is the intention of the Directors to change all this. Frequent Board-Meetings will be held, at which all books sent for review will be carefully considered, with a view to deciding how they shall be treated. ”

“ This fragment is prose worthy of the author of The Irish Emigrant, whose simple pathos has stirred the heart on both sides of the Atlantic. Within the brief limits he has assigned to himself, Lord Dufferin manages to give a succinct account of the illustrious family of which Helen, Lady Dufferin, was a bright, particular star. It would be difficult to parallel the sustained brilliancy of the Sheridans, from Richard Brinsley down to his great-great-grandson, at present Her Majesty's Minister at Paris. To the possession of all the graces they have added display of all the talents. ”

“ The poor husband sighed, mournfully turned off the gas, and went quietly to bed.
"Oh wife," murmured the aggrieved husband, as he mounted the stairs, "you cannot help bringing woe to man, for unless you did so you would not be a woe-man." ”

“ If strong on Woman's Rights you are, Upon her wrongs I'll ponder: I'll win for you a Wanderjahr, If I with you may wander. Or does Humanity enthrall? Before the summer passes I'll run a moral Music Hall To renovate the Masses. ”

“ The poor man, pale and careworn, re-arranged his necktie, and putting on an extra overcoat, prepared once more to resume the reading of a novel that had been attracting his attention earlier in the evening. It was called "Bobby," and related the adventures of a wild, thoughtless man, who was setting the laws of society at open defiance.
"How can men write of men like this?" he murmured. "I am not surprised that women think badly of us when we thus paint ourselves. ”

“ Why do no clients seek my door To profit by my legal lore? Will it be thus for evermore? I wonder! The New Fashion.
The fashion in hair The ladies now wear Never can last I'll engage: For though, pretty dears, It hideth their ears, It addeth some years to their age. THE NEW MAN. (A Fragment from the Romance of the Near Future.)
He had waited up until two in the morning. He had watched the hands of the clock as they passed round the face from hour to hour. ”

“ I say as no man can examine a 'orse thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I'm right or wrong, it 'ud be more of a satisfaction to me if Mr. Undershell was to step in and see the 'oof for himself. ”

“ The moral of which would seem to be that, since even conversation is now reported, silence is more golden than ever; though Mr. Punch notices that the Prime Minister showed rare diplomacy in his choice of a subject. Not even a reporter could extract any political meaning out of the sport of seal shooting!
SWEET SIMPLICITY.
Diffident Man (who does not know to how much of an Ingénue he is talking) . "Have you been out long, Miss Grace?"
Miss Grace (consulting her wrist-strap) . "Oh, about Three-quarters of an Hour. ”

“ The constable has sworn that the caitiff had pea-green hair. Now I have not pea-green hair; my locks are black.
Magistrate. Assertion is not proof. By the anthropometrical system we can spot you. Look at yourself in the glass and you will see that your hair is pea-green. ”

“ Well, if Nature ain't better up in her work than you seem to be, it's 'igh time she chucked it, and took to something else. You've a lot to learn about navicular, you 'ave, if you can talk such rot as that!
Check. Ah, I've 'ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I'm blest if I ever come across the likes o' you afore! ”

“ By a careful imitation of the worst models, and by assiduously cultivating their own natural coarseness, the managers anticipate very remarkable results. Style will be no object, but every worker in this department will be expected to provide his own rhinoceros hide and stock of allusions to Rabelais. ”

“ The Directors propose to organise a scheme of insurance against hostile reviews and obdurate editors. For an annual payment of £24 an insurer will be entitled to one favourable review during the year; for £30 he will be absolutely guaranteed against unfavourable criticism. A small yearly payment, varying according to age, will entitle his widow to claim £1000 at his death upon furnishing a certificate, signed by Mr. ”

“ Undershell. He's coming in along with us to 'ear what you say, if you've no objections.
Und. (to himself) . I must make a friend of this coachman, or else —— (Aloud.) I shall be charmed, Mr. Checkley. I've only a very few minutes to spare; but I'm most curious to see this horse of yours.
Checkley. He ain't one o' my 'orses, Sir. If he 'ad been——But there, I'd better say nothing about it.
Adams (as he leads the way into the stables, and turns up the gas) . There, Sir, that's Deerfoot over there in the loose box.
Und. (to himself) . He seems to me much like any other horse! ”

“ Baby Beaumont is always changing his clothes, and has two button-holes sent down from London daily. He says he "intends to revive the gardenia."... Oriel has just gone out for a "brisk walk before dinner." Aren't we utterly unsuited to each other? ”

“ Adams (stripping off Deerfoot's clothing) . He's a good 'orse, Sir. Her ladyship won't trust herself on no other animal, not since she 'ad the influenzy so bad. She'd take on dreadful if I 'ad to tell her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would!
Und. (sympathetically) . I can quite imagine so. Not that he seems in any danger of that!
Check. (triumphantly) . There, you 'ear that, Adams? The minute he set eyes on the 'orse!
Adams. Wait till Mr. Undershell has seen him move a bit, and see what he says then. ”

“ Certainly he will, Sir. I'm sure Checkley'll feel proud to turn out, late as it is, to oblige a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of 'orse-flesh. Drive you over hisself in the broom and pair, I shouldn't wonder!
Und. One horse will be quite sufficient. Very well, then. I'll just run up and get my portmanteau, and—and one or two things of mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance—don't trouble to drive up to the front door—as soon as possible, I won't keep you waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. ”

“ Und. (to himself) . A vet! They've been taking me for a vet all this time! I can't have been so ignorant as I thought. I really don't like to undeceive them—they might feel annoyed. (Aloud, knowingly.) To be sure, I—I spotted it at once.
Adams. He does make it out navicular after all! What did I tell you, Checkley? Now p'r'aps you'll believe me!
Check. I'll be shot if that 'orse has navickler, whoever says so—there!
Adams (gloomily) . It's the 'orse'll 'ave to be shot; worse luck! I'd ha' give something if Mr. Undershell could ha' shown I was wrong ”

“ Besant and the family doctor, that he died after reading an unfavourable notice of one of his books. All literary men, however, are recommended to subscribe £30 a year, thus obtaining a life-long immunity from depreciation. ”