Various

“ I felt so sure it would go so easily when once you had got away from dear Spreta.
Alfred (shrugging his shoulders) . It did—wonderfully easily. The truth is my thick fat book on Canine Idiosyncrasy—h'm—has gone—entirely out of my head. I have been trying thinking for a change. It's easier than writing.
Spreta. Yes, Alfred, I can understand that. And then, when you had never really got farther than the title——!
Alfred (smiling at her) . No farther than that. Somehow, none of the Früysecks ever do. My family is a thing apart. And now I have determined to devote my whole time to Little Mopsëman. ”

“ But there is yet another reason why the Dover and Calais route is the best of all ways to the Continent, and that is on account of the excellent déjeuner—still, as I believe, unequalled at any port or at any station in Europe—served to the many poor hungry and thirsty travellers quickly, hotly, and as comfortably as the confounded bustling circumstances of travel will permit. ”

“ The rope was immediately pulled taut, and began to choke the tiger. His roars were awful but unavailing. Neither elephant nor python would release his hold, and in just seventy-four seconds—I took the time by my stop-watch—the beautiful striped brute was a corpse. This, however, was not all. So hard did the two living beasts struggle in their fearful tug of war that the tiger's head gradually became detached from his body and rolled away to my immoveable father's feet. ”

“ Why the railway company which takes us to Paris cannot give us three quarters of an hour for our very necessary toilette (after the sea passage) and our food, and then do the journey in double quick time, or in the same time as now for the matter of that (for what does it matter to the accomplished traveller who "does know where he are" and where he will be, and has pre-ordered everything wisely and well?) , and so get up to Paris in time for a little late supper and an early bed? ”

“ And afterwards I have several important drains to disconnect at the great new hotel in Christiania, and the most tremendous scientific safeguards to grapple with and overthrow. What a glorious thing it is to be a plumber and make a little extra work for oneself in the world! ”

“ I am going to act it out instead—on Little Mopsëman. (With shining eyes.) I intend to perfect the rich possibilities that lie hidden in that rather unprepossessing poodle. There!
Spreta (holding aloof from him) . And is that all?
Alfred. H'm, yes, that's all. But you never did properly appreciate poor Little Mopsëman!
Mopsa (pressing his hand) . She never did, Alfred. But I do. And we will teach him the loveliest new tricks together. (Fixes her eyes on him.) Just you and I.
Spreta. Alfred, I won't have the dog taught any tomfoolery. You shall not divide yourself up like that. Do you hear? ”

“ Spreta Früyseck stands beside the table, unpacking the traditional bag. Shortly after, Miss Mopsa Brovik enters by the door; she carries a pink parasol and a rather portly portfolio with a patent lock.
Mopsa (as she enters) . Good morning, my dear Spreta! (Sees the bag.) Why, you are unpacking a travelling-bag on the drawing-room table! Then Alfred has actually come home?
[Takes off her things.]
Spreta (turns and nods with a teasing smile) . As if you didn't know! When you have never been down in these parts all the time he has been away! (Unpacking a flannel vest and a respirator.) Yes. ”

“ Spreta (takes out a bottle of cough mixture, and closes the bag with a snap) . I am not quite a fool, my dear. But really, when you have such a firm admirer in Mr. Blochdrähn——!
Mopsa. He is such a mere bachelor. I never could feel really attracted to any unmarried man. All that seems to me so utterly unmaidenly. (Changing the subject.) How is dear Alfred?
Spreta. Dear Alfred is tired, but perfectly transfigured by his trip. He has never once been away from me all these years. Only think! ”

“ The truly reverent have no sense whatever of the ridiculous. Still, it would certainly be better in future to keep Little Mopsëmann indoors, because if the dogs in the streets saw him in those clothes— (clenching his hands) —and after he has had that unfortunate accident to his tail, too!
Spreta. Alfred, I won't have you bringing up that again! There's someone knocking. Come in.
The Varmint-Blōk (enters softly and noiselessly. He is a slouching, sinister figure, in a fur cap and a flowered comforter. He has a large green gingham in one hand, and in the other a bag which writhes unpleasantly) . ”

“ In the event of the ball travelling anywhere near the goals, or in any way endangering the tea-things, the referee shall at once stop all further play. It shall be permissible, and, indeed, recommended, that any, or all, the umpires shall leave the football alone at any stage of the game, and attend to the lady-players, and no umpire shall be ruled "off-side" for so doing. ”

“ For those who value their digestions, and who love good food and drink, even when they have but a short time for refreshment, there is but one route to Paris from London, and that is viâ Calais, i.e. viâ the buffet. ”

“ A "free kick" shall be given to any umpire who fools about after the ball, when he ought to be in the marquee. If there be insufficient space, the game may be omitted entirely, and tea given in the nearest and best-laid-out private gardens, where there are shrubberies and summer-houses; or the match may be converted, in the event of doubtful weather, into a dance. ”

“ The play shall be conducted by the umpires, who are to be of the male sex. There shall be eleven umpires on each side. In all cases where possible, the match shall be settled without resorting to brute force, or needless waste of time and breath, by appealing immediately before "kick-off" to the arbitration of the referee. The referee shall be the most intelligent and elderly foreign count whose services are obtainable, or, failing that, the least athletic cabinet minister or archbishop in the neighbourhood. ”

“ The Baron in those happy days and nights was attired in the costume in which Richard Doyle has dressed young Clive Newcome when he accompanied his father, the Colonel, on that ever memorable evening to The Cave of Harmony, and heard the song that made him so wrathful. There are no Cyder Cellars, Coal Holes, and Evans's nowadays, which owlish resorts were strictly restricted to the use of the male sex, young and old. ”

“ They say the sham ice here is almost perfect, very nearly as good as the real ice, in fact so little is the difference between the real and sham that a skater, unless he had tried it, would hardly real-ice it! ”

“ There are here and there sharp bits of dialogue in it, though scarcely a line in the lighter vein that rises above farcical comedy.
Mr. Bishop's Earl of Caversham is a thoroughly natural piece of acting, and Mr. Brookfield's Phipps, the Butler, a bit of character so perfectly rendered that, like Sam Weller's Valentine, it makes you "wish as there was more in it." Miss Fanny Brough, having plenty to say, but not much worth listening to, does her best with a poor part. Miss Maude Millett is nice, and Miss Florence West as unsympathetic as her part was intended to be. ”

“ But even if a kind, considerate legislature does insist on extinguishing the lights, and turning us out in the streets at 12.30 precisely, are morality and health so very much benefited by the process? ”

“ Alfred (with suppressed indignation) . We most certainly do not. He is intended for higher things. Get out, you have frightened him under the sofa.
The Varm.-B. He'll come round right enough.... There, didn't I tell you! See how he sniffs at my legs. It's wonderful what a fancy dawgs do seem to take to me—follow me anywhere, they will. (With a chuckling laugh.) Seems as if they'd got to.
Spreta. There is certainly no accounting—— And what becomes of them when they do? ”

“ Sir,—I have recently seen letters and paragraphs in various newspapers instigating travellers going abroad to choose the Folkestone and Boulogne route instead of going viâ Dover and Calais. I forget what particular reasons are given for advocating this substitution, nor do I care what they are or what they may be. ”

“ Alfred (almost paralysed) . The little——it is Mopsëman! I taught him to do it so thoroughly! (With outstretched arms.) He cannot shoulder a musket and swim too! (Glancing darkly at Spreta.) Woman, you have your wish! Henceforth my life will be one long rankle of remorse! ”

“ But if you will not take your turns, you'll none o' you get nothink!
"Abbey Thought!"—"The Quest of the Holy Grail.". These pictures are being exhibited just at the right time, when the Arthurian legend is attracting at the Lyceum. Mr. Edwin A. Abbey has been five years at work upon this most striking series. Their beauties are many: their faults very few, and when these are pointed out to the Anglo-American artist, he gaily replies, "What's the odds as long as I'm Abbey!" Which is true; as none but himself can be his parallel. ”

“ Why? Because, first, undeniably viâ Dover to Calais is the shortest route, and to those of Britannias's sons and daughters—gallant islanders all—who detest the sea as much as does the humble individual who now addresses you, the saving of twenty minutes or half an hour, or in some instances it may be even more, of the sea-passage would be well worth any extra expense (if extra expense there be, which, an' I remember rightly, is not the case) , especially when aboard such steam-vessels as are now provided ”

“ So they resort to the ruinous—I repeat, the thoroughly ruinous—practice of arbitration.
Mr. Redbagge. It is really a serious state of things, m'lud—for us, not for your ludship. "Those who live to plead, must plead to live"—and it's a little difficult to plead when— (breaking down) —there are no clients.
The Judge (soothingly) . We must think of some other plan of attracting them, I suppose. How would it be if, instead of troubling them to come here, the Court offered to go to their offices and sit there? ”

“ Spreta (with a half smile) . Shouldn't you? I should. But he has not mentioned it—perhaps he was too tired. And he has been trying to teach that miserable Little Mopsëman tricks ever since he came back. I never did care about dogs myself, and really Alfred is so perfectly absurd about him. Oh, here he is.
Alfred Früyseck enters, followed by Little Mopsëman on his hind legs. Alfred is a weedy, thin-haired man of about thirty-five (or thirty-six) with tinted spectacles and limp side-whiskers. ”

“ It would certainly have to be some evening when—— But on the whole, perhaps, I—I really almost think we had better—— It isn't as if you were really my second cousin!
Spreta (re-entering from verandah) . Has that horrible person with the rats gone? He has given me almost a kind of turn.
[pg 53]
Alfred. He is a sort of itinerant Trope, I suppose. Talking of turns, did I tell you that I, too, have experienced a kind of inward revolution away up there among the peaks?... I have.
Spreta. Oh, heavens! Alfred, was it the cookery at those high mountain hotels?
Alfred (soothingly, patting her head) . ”

“ A REVISED CODE.
["The Ladies' Football Club have been defeated—we make haste to add by the weather. They are said to have shown of late a disinclination, with which it is easy to sympathise, to practice in the cold, to say nothing of the mud.... A wit has suggested that football matches should be settled "by arbitration."—Daily Graphic.]
Rules of the L. F. C.
Only the Association game shall be permitted, with the following modifications. Matches shall under no circumstances be played between the months of September and May. ”

“ No match shall be declared "off" after the banns have been read.
[pg 50]
THE INTERESTING INVALID.
Dr. Lobster (to Nurse Crab) . "Can't make out what's the Matter with him! Expect he's shamming!"
[pg 51]
ONE TOO MANY ALL ROUND
Sportsman (showing his horses to friend who has ridden over to see him) . "Now that's the cleverest little beggar I ever had in my life—obliged to sell her though—got too many." (Insinuatingly.) "By the way, she would carry you!"
Friend. "By Jove! Why that's the mare Crasher sold to Bolter—had too many, I remember—odd, ain't it? ”

“ LITTLE MOPSËMAN. (The very newest Dramatic Allegory from Norway.)
PERSONS.
Alfred Früyseck (Man of Letters) .
Mrs. Spreta Früyseck (his wife) .
Little Mopsëman (their Püdeldachs, six years and nine months old) .
Mopsa Brovik (a little less than kin to Alfred) .
Sanitary Engineer Blochdrähn.
The Varmint-Blōk.
Translator's Note.—The word "blōk," like the analogous Norwegian "gëyser," implies merely an individual—not necessarily a shady one. Cf. Elen and Chevalier, passim.
THE FIRST ACT.
A richly-upholstered garden-room, full of art-pots and other furniture. ”

“ They dont seem in werry bad sperrits, for sum of the most importentest of em all had a grand meeting on Tuesday last, and laid the werry fust stone of a butiful new Manshun, werry close to Gildall, which I am told is to cost about thirty-five thowsand pounds, and will take a hole year to bild, so that didn't look as if they were quite fritened out of their wits; and just to show the principle gents among em as there wasn't not nothink to fear, the nobel Gent as took the chair inwited amost a hundred of em to dine with him in the most scrumpsheous way possible, and drunk their helths all round! ”