Various

“ To be obliged to listen to his maudlin philosophy and misty metaphysics—for they are all to a man philosophers or metaphysicians—is about one of the most distressing inflictions we know.
The next genius on our list is the Universal Genius, perhaps the most amusing of the whole fraternity. This gentleman, although perfectly satisfied that he is a genius, and a very great genius too, does not know himself precisely in what he excels. ”

“ The oratorical genius is nearly, if not every bit, as conceited as the poetical genius. He has the same provoking, self-satisfied simper, and is in other respects a still greater bore, for his forensic habits and practices, without furnishing him with a single additional idea, have given him an unhappy fluency of speech, which he himself mistakes for eloquence, and with which he mercilessly inundates every one whom he can get beneath the spout of his oratorical pump. ”

“ The dirty genius delights in unkempt locks, which he not only allows but encourages to hang about his face and behind on his coat collar, in large tangled filthy looking masses. He delighteth also in an unwashed face, in dirty linen, and in a general slovenliness and shabbiness of apparel. ”

“ But he enjoys a delightful consciousness of a capacity that would enable him to surpass in anything to which he might choose to devote himself, and that in fact he does surpass in everything. His pretensions therefore rest on a very broad basis, and embrace all human attainments. He is in short a universal genius. This gentleman is very apt to assume peculiarities in dress and exterior appearance, to wear odd things in an odd way, and to sport a few eccentricities because he has heard or imagines that all geniuses are eccentric. ”

“ But most men become in time alive to the real state of the case, and, willingly resigning the gift of genius, are thankful to find that they have common sense.
While under the hallucination alluded to, however, the sort of geniuses of whom we speak are rather amusing subjects of study. We have known a great many of them in our day, and have found that they resolve themselves into distinct classes, such classes being formed by certain differing characteristics and pretensions: the individuals of each class, however, presenting in their peculiarities a striking resemblance to each other. ”

“ We know a speculative or debating society man the moment he opens his mouth. We know him by his studied, prolix phraseology, and much, much do we dread him, for of all earthly bores he is the most intolerable. ”

“ By the margin of a stagnant swamp, rife with malaria and intermittent fever, embosomed in thick woods, stood a pen of rough boards, obtained heaven knows how, about ten feet square, into which about fifty specimens of animal life, human and canine, were crowded. ”

“ Having heard, or having of himself imbibed a notion, that madness and genius are allied, he, although of perfectly sane mind originally, takes to raving, to staring wildly about him, and to practising various of the other extravagances of insanity, till he becomes actually half cracked: some of them indeed get stark staring mad. ”

“ Nature, however, does not always favour those ambitious attempts at the bold and romantic, for we often find them associated with snub noses, lantern jaws, and the most stupid and unmeaning countenances, that express anything but a consonance of character with pretension. We have known geniuses of this kind—the bare-necked and turned-down-collared—set up for romantic desperadoes on the strength of a hairy throat and a pair of bushy whiskers. ”

“ The pretensions of this genius are very high; for he affects to be superior to all the common observances of [Pg 152] civilised life; its courtesies and amenities he holds in the most sovereign contempt; despises soap and water, and rises proudly above white stockings and clean shirts.
There are several other descriptions of geniuses, on each of which we could say an edifying word or two, but reserve them for another occasion. ”

“ I am not aware that any records exist to furnish a clue to the history of Garry Castle, nor have I been able to meet any one able to give me any information about it, beyond the usual tirade about Oliver Cromwell, who seems doomed to bear on his back the weight of all the old walls in Ireland. One very old man, who in his youth had been, I believe, a servant of the Maw, was the only person in fact who seemed to know more about it than that it was “an ould castle, an’ a great place in the ould times.” ”

“ This sort of genius, we have observed, is much addicted to wearing odd sorts of head-dresses, fantastic caps all befurred and betasselled, and moreover greatly affects the bare throat, or wearing only an apology for a neckcloth, with shirt-collar turned down—in this aiming at a fine wild brigandish sort of look and appearance, much coveted by geniuses of a certain order. ”

“ The great class of universal geniuses now under consideration may, on close inspection, be found to subdivide itself into several minor classes, including the Sublime Genius, the Solemn Genius, and another tribe which has hitherto been, we rather think, without a name, but which we shall take the liberty of calling the Dirty Genius. ”

“ The causes which produce the ascent of the sap are of a very powerful nature. The celebrated Hales ascertained that a vine branch, in a few days, sucked up water with a force equal to the weight of sixteen pounds on the square inch: this was a power greater than atmospheric pressure; and when it is recollected that the pressure of the atmosphere is capable of lifting thirty-three or thirty-four feet of water in a common pump, some estimate may be formed of the force with which the sap ascends. ”

“ The poetical genius is addicted to tea parties, and to writing in albums. He also much affects the society of tabbies: for of all his admirers he finds them the most liberal and indiscriminate in their praise. ”

“ Happiness [Pg 150] in a cottage seems always more real than it does in a gorgeous palace. It is not wasted in large rooms—it is concentrated—a great deal of love in a small space—a great, great deal of joy and hope within narrow walls, and compressed, as it were, by a low roof. ”

“ These true philosophers all appeared to enjoy the most robust health, with one exception, who was shaking with a paroxysm of ague on one of the frames before mentioned. The men were stout, hearty fellows, who might do their country good service at the tail of a plough or the end of a musket; but their ambition does not soar so high. They literally take no thought for to-morrow, though they very well know what a day must bring forth. ”

“ The next class of geniuses which we propose to consider, is the Oratorical Genius. This person labours under the delusion of supposing himself a second Demosthenes. He is a great frequenter of debating societies, and other similar associations, where he makes long, prosy, unintelligible speeches—speeches full of mist and moonshine, in which no human being can discover the slightest trace of drift or purpose. ”

“ The only satisfactory reply to this question is, that these substances become formed out of the water and carbonic acid absorbed from the soil; but this is a transformation which cannot be effected by the most expert chemist, so that we find in this, as in many other instances, a living body is a laboratory in which Nature executes changes far transcending the loftiest efforts of man’s ingenuity.
The part of the vegetable through which the sap ascends can be easily shown in any of the ordinary trees of this country. ”

“ These are common and favourite expedients with the would-be genius, who moreover frequently adds dissipation to his distinguishing characteristics, it being a pretty general notion that genius is drunken, and of a wild and irregular life. ”

“ Age could not make her head whiter. She must have been more than a century old, and yet hearing, vision, speech, every faculty, was unimpaired, and she was as brisk as any of the horde. According to all appearances, Time had lost all power over her, and she may yet live longer than the everlasting pyramids. ”

“ In disdain of modern times he adhered to the national customs of Ireland, and the modes of living practised by his ancestors. His house was ever open to strangers. His tenants held their lands at will, and paid their rents, according to the ancient fashion, partly in kind, and the remainder in money. ‘The Maw’ levied the fines of mortmain when a vassal died. He became heir to the defunct farmer; and no law was admissible, or practised, within the precincts of Mac Coghlan’s domain, but such as savoured of the Brehon code. ”

“ Am I not right, Andrew; and will you not forthwith take my receipt, and make it for yourself? You will never wish for any other: it is warmer than ginger, and sweeter than anniseed. I am sure you will agree with me that a loving wife, in the enjoyment of the humble comforts which an industrious sober husband can bestow, smiling, healthy, well-clad children, and a clean cabin, where the fear of God banishes all other fears, make
THE TRUE TEMPERANCE CORDIAL!”
THE SAP IN VEGETABLES. FIRST ARTICLE.
Botanists describe two kinds of vegetable sap ”

“ In the northern states of America, sugar in large quantities is obtained from some species of maple, principally the sugar maple and swamp maple of Canada, by boring the stem, collecting the ascending sap which flows from the wound, and evaporating away its watery portions. ”

“ Neither gentle nor simple passes this road without eating with the Mac Coghlan, an’ you must follow the rule as well as another: stay as long as you like, an’ go when you like; an’ I give you my word you shall have the best of tratement, an’ no one shall bother you with any questions you don’t like.’
‘Yer honour,’ says the spalpeen, ‘I’m not a young man, an’ yet my head was never this many a night twice on the same pillow, an’ you’d be a long day findin’ out the spot that in that time I hav’n’t visited.’
‘Maybe you’re the Wanderin’ Jew,’ exclaimed Father Madden. ”

“ When they have thus been compelled to pass a night under a roof, it has been remarked that no human logic can persuade one of them to submit to the abhorred contact of soap and water, or to sleep in a bed, suppose any person could be found willing so to accommodate them. They own no boats, and they neither hire nor borrow them. ”

“ To make out this character, then, the universal genius takes to breaking the public lamps, wrenching off bell-handles, kicking up rows in taverns with the waiters and others, and on the streets with the police; gets his head broken and his eyes blackened; keeps late hours, and goes home drunk every night ”

“ It is an insolent creature too, for it treats you and everybody with the most profound contempt. Its calm, confident smirk, and lack-a-daisical look, are amongst the most provoking things in nature, and always inspire you with a violent desire to kick it out of your presence. ”

“ Before doing this, however, let us remark, that the sort of geniuses to whom we allude are to be found amongst young men only: for, generally speaking, it is only while men are young that they are subject to the delusion of supposing themselves geniuses. As they advance in life, they begin to suspect that there has been some mistake in the matter. A few years more, and they become convinced of it; when, wisely dropping all pretensions to the character, they step quietly back into the ranks amongst their fellows. ”

“ To illustrate this, let us suppose a bladder containing a little syrup, and placed in a vessel of water, and we will have the conditions necessary for endosmose: the syrup and water will both pass through the bladder in opposite directions, but a greater quantity of water will pass into the syrup, than of the latter into the water. It will be evident to the reader that this excess of thin liquid passing into the denser will constitute a force or power which will require an equal force to neutralise it ”

“ To cold, heat, rain, &c., they are perfectly indifferent, and their only known evil is pain, which comes to them only in the shape of hunger and intermittent fever. Nerves and delicacy they never heard of. Thus have they ever lived, and thus they will die. ”

“ The whole score and a half of humanities might have possessed some four or five threadbare and tattered blankets, such a stock of clothing as might have furnished forth one respectable scarecrow, and perhaps half a shirt among them ”

“ Mr Bradbury also followed; and it was immediately communicated to Captain C—— that he must submit to a search, a warrant for that purpose having been obtained against every gentleman in the room. This was instantly submitted to in the most cheerful manner by Captain C——, who invited them to make it, and expressed great satisfaction at such a course as the only means of detection; but he could not bring himself to believe that any gentleman could be guilty of so infamous an act except through inadvertence. ”

“ Our miniature will all become magnitude, and it is difficult for us to see our way clearly in the world. Our insects will grow into elephants, and for aught we see we shall have to speak of the gnat as a large monster, and the honey-bee have to be described as a beast of prey. ”

“ As for their religion, they believe in beef and bread, and go to church, like parasitical insects, as often as they are carried. They believe that the earth is flat, and that the city of New York and the Narrows are its limits. ”

“ Some philosophers have taught that content is the grand desideratum, the greatest good of earthly felicity. The contentment of savages and of negro slaves is brought to support their position. It is true that these are happy under their painful and degrading yoke ”

“ Nobody thinks nowadays of calling the conductor of a mud cart on the railroad by any less dignified title than an agent. The vender of apple-jack on a dilapidated cellar-door upon the North river, is a merchant; and the fourth-rate victualler along the wharves, who manages to rent half of a broken-down cobbler’s stall, keeps a public house!
Printed and published every Saturday by GUNN and CAMERON, No. 6, Church Lane, College Green, Dublin ”

“ None of them were either young or handsome enough to mark them as the victims of man’s villany. The smaller fry about their wretched cabin attest that they have not in the least neglected the first command of God to man, though no priest or preacher can say that he has received a wedding fee on account of either of them. ”

“ Others may seek objects of interest abroad; we are content with what may be found near home; and in this singular family we found a happy practical illustration of the Golden Age, which poets so much regret, and agrarian politicians so devoutly hope and expect to restore. ”