John Morton

“ SIR F. Is that all?
ARTH. All! It strikes me as being quite enough. No, it isn’t all—it’s only half, for Myrtle—
SIR F. (cutting him short) . Never mind Myrtle; I know all about her. She thinks you a bit of a milksop—s—so do I; that you’ve no energy—not an atom! no will of your own—never had! and that in order to reinstate yourself in her good opinion you must do something desperate! So you shall! Now what do you mean to do?
ARTH. Show a proper spirit, and—run away!
SIR F. Run away! Certainly not—fling yourself into my arms and I’ll pull you through! So cheer up! ”

“ I don’t know if it’s admiration, young lady, but I have learned that Mr. Morton knows what’s right. There isn’t a man anywheres that can teach him much! You can build on him and never get left. If he says a thing—it’s so; and if he stands up for you you’re all right. And then, he ain’t putting the load on the other fellow, either! When it comes to hard knocks, he takes his share—and takes it without a [148] murmur. He is square, is Mr, John—and white all through! ”

“ I am the last man in the world to intrude upon any one, but if upon emerging into yonder crowded thoroughfare, our paths happen to lay in the same direction, we will walk together, and by the time we part, as I shall probably be dry, I can embrace you.
O’WALKER. (impatiently) Oh! confound it—there— (flinging his arms round BROWN) and now I’m off to Pimlico—what say you?
BROWN. I say wherever you go—Brown goes too. (taking O’WALKER’S arm)
O’WALKER. Brown!
BROWN. Brown! Barbican Brown! but perhaps you’ll have no objection to my taking Little Windmill Street in my way? ”

“ SIR F. Pshaw! you carried the thing too far, sir!—a devilish deal too far!
ARTH. Come, I like that! I only did what you told me!—except that I didn’t tear my hair out by handfuls!
COL. (counting his pulse) . A hundred and twenty at the very least! (tossing a couple of pills into his mouth—then to VALLANCE) . Now, sir, what do you mean by making love to Lady Fritterly, and proposing an elopement to her? It’s scandalous, sir!
ARTH. Not the slightest doubt about it, uncle! but I only did it to oblige Sir Felix!
COL. Oblige Sir Felix by running off with his wife?
ARTH. Yes! ”

“ And was he—this coward hiding in the mountains of the West, leading a hateful existence hunting wild horses for the few dollars that the hides would bring, that he might be able to buy the necessaries of life, since he had failed to get work in any other calling—was he the one whom John Morton had once loved and trusted? He shuddered with disgust; no man could feel a greater contempt for him, than he felt for himself.
He rose abruptly and walked to the opening of the tent, looking out on the sweep of sagebrush-covered foothills about him. ”

“ CRUM. I will. (looks mysteriously about him—BETSY watches him with astonishment—then in a loud whisper) You must fall in love with Mr. Mouser.
BET. Sir!
CRUM. And Mr. Mouser must instantly fall in love with you.
BET. (staring at him—then with dignity) Give me my pattens, sir, and let me go. Give me my pattens, I say.
CRUM. ’Pshaw, child! You misunderstand me. Listen! Your sudden passion for Mouser——
BET. (seizing hold of them, and trying to pull them out of CRUMMY’S hand)
CRUM. Oh! Very well! It’s a pity, too—for a married couple might do very well. ”

“ J. S. God a-mercy, Wat; and ere we have done.
We will be lords every one.
Hob. Gentle Jack Straw,
In one line let us draw,
And we'll not leave a man of law,
Nor a paper worth a haw,
And make him worse than a daw,
That shall stand against Jack Straw.
Mor. Methinks you might do well to answer the king, in the name of the whole company: some dozen or twenty men for the nonce, that may deliver the minds of you all in few words.
[Pg 392]
J. S. Sir John Morton, you are an ass to tell us what we have to do;
Hold your prating, you were best.
W. T. I tell thee, Sir John, thou abusest us ”

“ John Morton was a west-country man, having been born about 1420, at Bere-Regis, a small market town in central Dorset, where his family had for some time been settled, and were of good standing. He was educated in the Abbey of Cerne, and then entered Balliol College, Oxford, where his proficiency attracted the notice of Cardinal Bourchier. He was successively Rector of St. Dunstan's, London, Prebendary of Wells, Bishop of Ely 1478, Archbishop of Canterbury 1486, Lord-Chancellor 1487, Cardinal of St. ”

“ MRS. S. Yes—to do them, justice, they fairly danced me off my feet, and yet I am neither grown better tempered, nor better looking, than I was three months ago, when at a previous party [Pg 7] not one of them condescended to select me for a partner; but then, on the other hand, I am fifteen thousand pounds richer.
PEGGY. (suddenly, and giving MRS. SOMERTON’S hair another jerk) That’s it! Ah, ma’am, these lords of the creation, as they call themselves, are but a poor mean selfish set after all.
MRS. S. Selfish! No, not all— (sighing) —there is one at least.
PEGGY. No! ”

“ I turned round and found myself face to face with a ferocious looking individual, almost as tall as the lamp-post, and considerably stouter. (mechanically wiping his face with the linen he takes out of the clothes basket, and blackening it) Well, my first impulse was to come Tom Sayers over him, but it suddenly occurred to me that the brawny ruffian before me might be a husband and a father, I therefore spared him, and walked slowly away—as fast as my legs could carry me! ”

“ Have you quite done? Then suppose we change the conversation! Now, if the thing were properly put to you, which do you think you would prefer?—having your nose pulled (JOGTROT retreats) , a sound horse-whipping (JOGTROT takes another jump backward) , or a good kicking (swinging his right leg about; JOGTROT rushes out at C.) .
JACK. Ha! ha! ha! (Suddenly stopping.) Zounds! these infernal little pets of mine will be the ruin of me! Of course he’ll tell aunt—she’ll scold—Jessie’ll blubber—so shall I—at least I’ll try. Our marriage will be— But he can’t have left the house yet! I’ll run after him! ”

“ BART. The truth, madam! (To JULIA.) May I hope, or must I endure a second refusal!
JULIA (tenderly) . I suffered too much from the first, Harry (giving her hand to BARTON) .
ROYS. (aside) . That’s one couple; but there’s room for another. (To MRS. TEMPLETON.) Madam, I have the honor to solicit the hand of your younger niece, Miss Josephine!
MRS. T. With all my heart, Mr. Royston; that is, unless Josephine objects.
JOSEPHINE (quickly) . But she doesn’t! (giving her hand to ROYSTON) .
BART. You see, Jonathan will be satisfied, after all. ”

“ I am about to make.
LADY F. Continue, I beg!
ARTH. Oh, madam, dear madam, dearest madam, if you only knew all!
LADY F. Hall? A gentleman of your acquaintance?
ARTH. I didn’t say Hall, madam! Let me observe, Lady Fritterly, that this is no subject for levity.
LADY F. No one would imagine it was, from your countenance, Mr. Vallance. Its solemnity is positively, painfully ludicrous!
SIR F. (listening) . Why the deuce don’t he open his batteries?
ARTH. (seeing SIR FELIX, who is making energetic signs to him to proceed with his love-making. Aside) . Well, since he will insist upon it, here goes! ”

“ I’m not addicted to picking and stealing, but a man can’t be expected to go all day long, on half an ounce of lozenges! (goes to the sideboard and begins helping himself, drinking the negus out of the decanters)
[Pg 24]
Enter PHŒBE at L.
PHŒBE. (seeing TRIPTOLEMUS) Ah! somebody helping himself to the negus! Holloa, sir!
TRIPTOLE. (turning round, his mouth stuffed full of cakes and each hand crammed with them—seeing PHŒBE) What’s the matter? Ah, Phœbe!
PHŒBE. Trip! Dear—dear, how wet you look!
TRIPTOLE. Do you expect a man to stand under a waterspout and not get wet? Look there. ”

“ Ah! happy the woman who makes a conquest of such a man! (Aside.) There! now I’m in the conspiracy too!
MRS. T. (to ROYSTON) . Your friend Mr. Barton does not leave here till to-morrow; you, I hope, will also defer your departure till then?
BART. (quickly to ROYSTON) . Of course you will! (To MRS. T.) Of course he will! (To ROYSTON.) You’ll be only too delighted! (To MRS. T.) He’ll be only too delighted!
MRS. T. Ah! here’s my niece! (going up to meet JULIA, who enters at C.) .
ROYS. (seeing JOSEPHINE, who at the same moment enters at R. H.) . Look! what a charming creature! ”

“ Why does he still seem to seek my presence? At any rate, he shall see that I am no heartless coquette; and when this Mr. Royston presents himself, as I’m sure he will (seeing ROYSTON, who enters from R. H.) — I thought so!
ROYS. (aside) . She’s alone! She’s decidedly handsome. Yet, as I said before, there’s something about the other that—that— (Aloud, and bowing to JULIA.) Miss Templeton!
JULIA (courtesying) . Sir! the business matter in which you are engaged is, I presume, settled?
ROYS. Yes; the signatures alone are required.
JULIA. In that case perhaps I had better— (About to retire.) ”

“ John Maddison Morton was born on January 3, 1811, at the lovely Thames-side village of Pangborne, above Reading. His father was the famous dramatist Thomas Morton, [Pg vii] author of “Speed the Plough,” “Town and Country,” “The Way to get Married,” “Secrets worth Knowing,” “Cure for the Heartache,” “School of Reform,” etc. ”

“ Morton, he knew. He looked fine! I wish his father could ha’ seen him! The old man always was proud of his boy—as he had a right to be. He used to say to me: ‘Don, I want my boy to be a man first and a gentleman after!’ And I guess Mr. John is both, and both to the limit. ”

“ Self-revelation! Every man confesses sometime. It happened that I chose a dinner party. Do you understand?'" It was almost as if Sir John himself had asked the question.
"And then"—he was speaking in his usual calm tones again—"there happened a curious thing, a very curious thing, for Morton stopped and turned toward me and began to laugh. I thought he would never stop. It was rather uncanny, under the street lamp there, this usually rather quiet man. 'And that,' he said at length, 'that's only half the story. ”

“ I’m more dead than alive!
CAPT. H. Well, as I was going to say—about two months ago I put into Plymouth with my first cargo of herrings, and there I got into company with an old gentleman with a bald head, green spectacles, and an only daughter—the smartest-looking craft I ever clapped eyes on! Well, finding I couldn’t forget her, I determined to follow her to London, got here this morning, called on the old gentleman, made an offer of my hand and my herrings, when, muskets and marlinspikes, what d’ye think he told me? ”

“ At rising of curtain, CAROLINE is seen in the corridor at back, receiving the GUESTS, who pass across towards C.; she accompanies them; JONATHAN is standing before the sideboard, loading a large tray with cakes and glasses of negus; he is dressed in an old-fashioned long-tailed brown coat, a pair of blue plush breeches, white stockings, and ankle boots, very high shirt collars above his ears; as he fills the tray, he occasionally eats a cake and drinks a glass of negus—Enter BUNNY (with a light flaxen wig) at C., followed by PHŒBE, carrying cloaks, shawls, hats, &c., &c. ”

“ But I’ll hold him up to the execration of mankind. “Not particular as to the number of his attachments!” Gracious goodness! And to think that such a man is able to walk the streets without a policeman on each side of him. (CRUMMY returns with hat, coat, and blue bag) But, as I said before, I’ll expose him! (in his excitement he puts on the dressing gown again—puts on CRUMMY’S hat, and takes CRUMMY’S umbrella from table) I shan’t be long, my ’Stasia. I shall soon return on the wings of love—— (going)
MRS. M. (L., detaining him) You’re surely not going out in your dressing gown? ”

“ MRS. S. (retreating, and in a tone of alarm which she endeavours to repress) Who are you, sir? and why this unseasonable intrusion? I insist on knowing.
RAT. A little patience, my dear madam, and you shall. (observing MRS. SOMERTON, who endeavours to reach the door, L. C.) One moment, madam. Before you summon your servants, allow me to observe that I shall be under the painful necessity of punishing any one who presumes to interrupt so delightful a tete à tete. (slowly taking his pistols from his pocket, and depositing them on the table)
MRS. S. (terrified and aside) He’s armed. ”

“ JOSEPHINE (aside) . That’s not very encouraging! (Aloud.) How do you manage to find so many admirers? I can’t!
JULIA (smiling) . Hitherto, perhaps, I may have had the lion’s share of attention, homage, and professed admiration; but your turn will come.
JOSEPHINE. It’s a long time about it! You are so difficult to please. And poor Mr. Royston, I suppose, will be snubbed like the rest!
JULIA (reprovingly) . Josephine! surely you don’t imagine—
JOSEPHINE. That there is some attraction for him here? Of [Pg 47] course I do! It can’t be Aunt Martha—nor I! I’m only a child! (with affected humility) . ”

“ POS. Of course, it was! would you allow a fellow to walk off with your property without making a fight of it, not you, my trojan—I mean your worship! but I’ll tell you all about it. I had just arrived from London, and finding that cousin Somerton had that instant returned home from a ball, I determined to give her an agreeable surprise, and for that purpose I was walking on tiptoe along that passage, when I was almost knocked off my legs by a piercing shriek. ”