Various

“ By the by, it is one of the unavoidable désagréments of New York society that the wearer of the elegant dress is often conscious that her partner in the waltz knows precisely how many yards of material compose her skirt, and exactly how much it cost per yard, for the excellent reason that he himself measured it with his professional yard-stick, and cut it with his private scissors. This, however, is a subject that belongs not to old comedy, but to the extremely modern comedy of New York society. ”

“ There are quantities of elegant dresses in the house,—the ladies having an idea that an old comedy is one of those things which every fashionable person ought to see. There are also numbers of nice young men, who, being the burning and shining lights of fashionable society (after their day's work behind the counter is ended) , come to be bored by the old comedy, with a heroism which proves how immeasurably superior to the influences of tape and calico are their youthful souls. ”

“ Fearful misgivings as to the wisdom of his step came swooping down upon him, and he almost wished he had not tried to mend matters, but had patiently borne with the rats, when suddenly—the vision of a cat swept athwart his mind, and he groaned aloud in bitterness of spirit. ”

“ I might go on straight through the Dictionary, but I refrain, desiring only to show you what a light and entertaining subject philology is, and what quantities of fun you can get out of it on winter evenings.
If any one should desire to pursue this subject further, let him go through CHAUCER, SPENSER, SHAKSPEARE, and MILTON with a fine-tooth comb and a pair of spectacles, looking for roots, and then try my book on "Words and their Uses." He had better not attack the latter work on an empty stomach. An empty head will be more appropriate. ”

“ Not even the ever after clean hearth-stone, with the dead bodies of his enemies, the rats, piled thereon, could make him forget that one moment of agonizing consciousness, when he realized for the first time that he had burdened himself with a wife when a cat would have answered as well. ”

“ I sternly remark that "nice girls never pun."
"Yes," she replies; "punning, like beer and other vices, is the peculiar prerogative of men, I suppose. But you need not be afraid. I read PUNCHINELLO sometimes, and it is a terrible warning to people who are tempted to pun. I could give you frightful instances of the appalling depth to which the men who make puns in PUNCHINELLO occasionally sink."
I hastily close the discussion by inviting her to come to WALLACK'S and see an old comedy. ”

“ No man after reading the above need say "he doesn't marry because he cannot, as no one will have him." He need not stop for that hereafter, but just go to London, pick out one to suit, pay the price, and bag the article. It can all be done in a day, and save time wonderfully.
He bought his wife—a cheap one undoubtedly—and gave his promise to pay; then started homeward, feeling his importance as a married man, and chuckling over the idea of the astonishment and dismay of the rats and mice when he should set his wife after them, and thereby deprive them of their daily rations. ”

“ Politics.—Quack philologists, who evidently were insane, have gone back to the classics for the root of this word, when it is well known that immediately after the termination of the Revolution, when the Government of this country was about to be settled, the word came into existence. A woman, called POLLY, kept a corner grocery in New York, and all the fellows who wanted offices were accustomed to go to POLLY'S for their beer, because she trusted. ”

“ To amoose him—If your wife is too bizzy durin the day, doin the cookin, washin, &c. 4th, to amoose the child, give him an ink bottle, and set him down on the parler carpet. If he has any idee of geografy, when you come home nites you will find a good helthy map of the black sea, which Rooshy will insist on bein added to your war map.
Another way of amusin him, is to give him a raiser, and let him play learn to shave. If he should cut his nose off, it would make the little shaver smart.
If you expect to bring your boy up to hold offis,' let him cultivate cheek. ”

“ The whole work, page by page, poem by poem, has passed under the educated criticism and scholarly eye of WILLIAM CULLEN BRYANT, a man reverenced
among men, a poet great among poets.
This is a Library of over 500 Volumes in one book, whose contents, of no ephemeral nature or interest, will never grow old or stale. It can be, and will be, read and re-read with pleasure as long as its leaves hold together. Over 800 pages beautifully printed, choicely illustrated, handsomely bound. Sold only through Agents, by subscription. ”

“ And then, you know, the institution must have its own particular organ, you know. Every man, and every member of his family, shall print his or her Free Press, and independence of opinion shall reign. ”

“ In telling us he laid his bread and cheese upon the shelf, he at once shows he had left his parental abode, and the ministering and watchful care of his maternal parent.
There must, of course, have been a cause for such a step. Some reason why the gentle being should have been wrought up to that pitch, when he daringly throws off all restraint, and steps into the world to act and think for himself. ”

“ Unseal those ruby lips and tell me that I am the happiest of men."
Here the UNCLE and OLDBOY enter. They chuckle, and poke one another in the ribs, remarking "Gad" and "Zounds" at intervals. They bless the young couple, and order up some of the old Madeira. The curtain falls as OLDBOY gives the health of the young people, with the wish that they may have a dozen children, and a cellar never without plenty of this splendid old Madeira,—"that your father, bottled, Miss LYDIA, the year our gracious sovereign came to the throne."
This is a fair sample of the old comedy. ”

“ They should suffer more and be stronger. Let TRAIN do a bold stroke of business by declaring himself the perpetrator of the latest mysterious murder, and it might be the making of the exhumed JOBSON to revive a fossilized memory, and confess himself to be the criminal who delivered the fatal blow to the late Mr. WILLIAM PATTERSON.
True to his Colors.
A Bostonian visiting New York, not long since, and reading in the papers that there was to be a celebration of Mass in an up-town church, decided to remain over Sunday for it, thinking, Bostonially, that Mass meant Massachusetts and nothing else. ”

“ If you've got any regard for our nashnal caracter, don't let your son rite comic copy for the noosepapers, after which, be so rash as to rite a book, and have English crickets set up their darn singin, when they catch your little innocent abroad. ”

“ I don't believe in spoilin the rod and sparin the child, but I think it is well enuff to keep a rod hung up in the barn, where your child can occasionally look at it, to see what he will come to, if he undertakes to kick over the traces. ”

“ Nothing, except counting your stamps, can be more pleasant and exciting than tracing out the origin of words by the aid of a second-hand dictionary. It's the next funniest thing to grubbing after stumps in a ten-acre lot. Dentists make capital philologists—: they are so much accustomed to digging for roots. ”

“ Life being in any event a transitory affair, and especially so in New York, where, every one lives some miles from his business, our means of transit are of interest to every one. However well the owners of those at present in use may insist that they are, yet the public feels they should be better, and Mr. ”

“ With boys you must begin talkin turkey, when they are young goblins, ef you don't, when they get old enuff, they will "strike for their sires," and gobble up the old man's scalp.
Teach your son to honor his pa and ma, and decline the English mission, when it comes his turn.
Between you and I, aspirants for the honor of bordin with St. JIMMY are on the decline, Pitty it haint a gin-cocktail. I shouldent be surprised, if some big criminal was sentenced to go there yet, which minds me of a konundrum. Why is the English mission like lager beer? ”

“ Raisin children is a bizziniss which haint every mans best holt, and as long as you've got into the bizziness, excoose me for givin you a little wisdom, which you as a parent must swaller without makin up a face. ”

“ I say to her, "An old comedy is to the comedy of to-day, precisely what an old beau, padded, painted, simpering with false teeth, and leering with rhumy eyes, is to a handsome, gallant young fellow, such as Mr. ”

“ It's rather dull work to shovel around in the Anglo-Saxon stratum, but, as soon as you strike the Sanscrit, then you're off, and if you don't find big nuggets, it's because—well, it's because there are none there. ”

“ He finally drove his mother into a consumption, and at her funeral, instead of taking on as he ought to, he only just looked at the body, and said, 'Well, that's the worst coffin-fit the old lady ever had.' And then he turned round and began to get off puns on the mourners. ”

“ Children are a good deal like wimmen. If you don't set your foot down when you first get married your wimmen will raise their foot up, and afore you realize any pain, your gentle form will be histed out into the street. ”

“ By the time he gets old enuff to read, I will have my life out in pamphlet form, and you can draw onto me for a copy. Beware of works of fiction. Don't let your boy have a great deal to do with such readin as HOYLE on Games, TOM PAINE on Infidelity, nor HORRIS GREELY on farmin. Such works are bringin more ruin onto the country, than the numerous jewrys of twelve talented men, who allow murderers to come the loonatic dodge over 'em. ”

“ This example shows how simple the whole subject is, and how easily the philology business could he run by a child six years of age.
Country. The origin of this word is, to say the least, odd. City people were accustomed to visit the rural districts at about the time when rye was ripe, and they were generally amused by the farmer's pereginations around his rye. Farmers always count rye-stacks in the morning, in order to discover whether any of them have been lifted during the night. ”

“ AND
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“ For if any one dissented from his notions injudiciously,
He went for him immediately, ferociously and viciously,
Did this absurd equestrian who cantered on incessantly.
With which remarks the author of this brief, veracious history
Concludes his observations on the incarnated mystery
Known as an agriculturist, philosopher, and editor,
Who thought the world his debtor, and himself, of course, its creditor,
And who will surely figure on the oddest page in history.
THE FITTEST PLACE FOR A "PRESERVER" OF THE PEACE. A "Jam" on Broadway.
DR. HELMBOLD TO J.G. BENNETT, Jr. "Boo-shoo! fly." ”

“ Sixty-two cents.
Q. Where did you get that? A. (With embarrassment.) I borrowed it.
Q. Were you present when defendant first offered his land for sale to the plaintiff? A. (Brightening up.) I was.
Q. Do you burn gas or kerosene in your house? A. Gas.
Q. How many burners? A. Ten, I think.
Q. Are you willing to assert, upon your solemn oath, that there are only ten? A. (Witness counting on his fingers.) I am.
Q. Do you wear studs or buttons on your shirt fronts? A. Studs.
Q. Gold, or pearl? A. Mother-of-pearl, as a general thing, but sometimes I wear one gold one at the top. ”