W. S. Gilbert

“ To this young officer I give That both of them intend to
live,
Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to
give
And all her predilections. Us cause for grave
reflections.
If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither
die
I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why
He should not, if he chooses, try I should not, if I wish it,
try
To win her young affections. To gain your young
affections!
(Exit Scaphio and Phantis
together)
DUET — Zara and Fitzbattleaxe
Ensemble: Oh admirable art! ”

“ Scaphio: Are we to understand that we are defied?
King: That is the idea I intended to convey.
Phantis: Defied! We are defied!
Scaphio: (furiously) Take care—you know our powers. Trifle with
us, and you die!
TRIO — Scaphio, Phantis, and King.
Sca.: If you think that, when banded in unity,
We may both be defied with impunity,
You are sadly misled of a verity! ”

“ Its force all men confess,
The King needs no admonishing—
We may say its success
Is something quite astonishing.
Our despot it imbues
With virtues quite delectable,
He minds his P's and Q's,—
And keeps himself respectable.
Of a tyrant polite
He's paragon quite.
He's as modest and mild
In his ways as a child;
And no one ever met
With an autocrat yet,
So delightfully bland
To the least in the land!
So make way for the wise men, etc.
(Exeunt all but Scaphio and Phantis. Phantis is pensive.)
Scaphio: Phantis, you are not in your customary exuberant spirits. ”

“ Zara: My Girton training, Arthur. At Girton all is wheat, and
idle chaff is never heard within its walls! But tell me,
is
not all working marvelously well? Have not our Flowers
of
Progress more than justified their name?
Fitz.: We have indeed done our best. Captain Corcoran and I
have,
in concert, thoroughly remodeled the sister-services—and
upon so sound a basis that the South Pacific trembles at
the
name of Utopia!
Zara: How clever of you!
Fitz.: Clever? Not a bit. It's easy as possible when the
Admiral-
ty and Horse Guards are not there to interfere. ”

“ Fitz.) Sir, you come from a country where
every
virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize
too
severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our
semi-barbarous society.
Fitz.: (looking at Zara) Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the
blameless and the beautiful.
King: We thank you—he is really very polite! (Lady Sophy, who
has
been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid to the
Lifeguardsmen by the young ladies, marches the Princesses
Nekaya and Kalyba towards an exit.) Lady Sophy, do not
leave
us.
Lady S.: Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent. ”

“ Are little better than half-clothed barbarians!
Enter all the Flowers of Progress, led by Fitzbattleaxe.
SOLOS — Zara and the Flowers of Progress.
(Presenting Captain Fitzbattleaxe)
When Britain sounds the trump of war
(And Europe trembles) ,
The army of the conqueror
In serried ranks assemble;
'Tis then this warrior's eyes and sabre gleam
For our protection—
He represents a military scheme
In all its proud perfection!
Chorus: Yes—yes
He represents a military scheme
In all its proud perfection.
Ulahlica! Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
SOLO — Zara. ”

“ Now, the editor of a scurrilous
paper can stand a good deal—he takes a private thrashing
as
a matter of course—it's considered in his salary—but no
gentleman likes to be publicly flogged.
King: Naturally. I shouldn't like it myself.
Phantis: Then our Burlesque Theater is absolutely ruined!
King: Dear me. Well, theatrical property is not what it was.
Phantis: Are you aware that the Lord Chamberlain, who has his own
views as to the best means of elevating the national
drama,
has declined to license any play that is not in blank
verse
and three hundred years old—as in England? ”

“ Why,
the
fact is that, in the cartoons of a comic paper, the size
of
your nose always varies inversely as the square of your
popularity. It's the rule.
Zara: Then you must be at a tremendous discount just now! I
see a
notice of a new piece called "King Tuppence," in which an
English tenor has the audacity to personate you on a
public
stage. I can only say that I am surprised that any
English
tenor should lend himself to such degrading
personalities.
King: Oh, he's not really English. As it happens he's a
Utopian,
but he calls himself English.
Zara: Calls himself English? ”

“ Phantis: Yes—bizarre, is it not?
King: Most quaint. But then it's a quaint world.
Phantis: Teems with quiet fun. I often think what a lucky thing
it
is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor!
King: Do you know, I find it invaluable. Do what I will, I
cannot
help looking at the humorous side of things—for,
properly
considered, everything has its humorous side—even the
Palace Peeper (producing it) . See here—"Another Royal
Scandal," by Junius Junior. "How long is this to last?" ”

“ Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses.
Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces.
Chorus: Divorce is nearly obsolete in England.
King: No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour;
For the higher his position is, the greater the offender.
Chorus: That's maxim that is prevalent in England.
King: No peeress at our drawing-room before the Presence passes
Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower middle-classes. ”

“ Oh, if you please, Lady Sophy has sent us in here,
because
Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe are going on, in the
garden,
in a manner which no well-conducted young ladies ought to
witness.
Lord D.: Indeed, we are very much obliged to her Ladyship.
Kalyba: Are you? I wonder why.
Nekaya: Don't tell us if it's rude.
Lord D.: Rude? Not at all. We are obliged to Lady Sophy because
she
has afforded us the pleasure of seeing you.
Nekaya: I don't think you ought to talk to us like that.
Kalyba: It's calculated to turn our heads.
Nekaya: Attractive girls cannot be too particular. ”

“ Discarding their own barbaric
dress,
the natives of our land have unanimously adopted the
taste-
ful fashions of England in all their rich entirety.
Scaphio
and Phantis have undertaken a contract to supply the
whole
of Utopia with clothing designed upon the most approved
English models—and the first Drawing-Room under the new
state of things is to be held here this evening.
Fitz.: But Drawing-Rooms are always held in the afternoon.
Zara: Ah, we've improved upon that. We all look so much better
by
candlelight! ”

“ Zara: But perhaps the most beneficent changes of all has been
ef-
fected by Mr. Goldbury, who, discarding the exploded
theory
that some strange magic lies hidden in the number Seven,
has
applied the Limited Liability principle to individuals,
and
every man, woman, and child is now a Company Limited with
liability restricted to the amount of his declared
Capital!
There is not a christened baby in Utopia who has not
already
issued his little Prospectus!
Fitz.: Marvelous is the power of a Civilization which can trans-
mute, by a word, a Limited Income into an Income Limited. ”

“ Phantis: It's so hard on the company—who are liable to be roasted
alive—and this has to be met by enormously increased
salaries—as in England.
Scaphio: You probably know that we've contracted to supply the
entire
nation with a complete English outfit. But perhaps you
do
not know that, when we send in our bills, our customers
plead liability limited to a declared capital of
eighteenpence, and apply to be dealt with under the
Winding-up Act—as in England?
King: Really, gentlemen, this is very irregular. ”

“ Nominally a Despot, I am, between ourselves, the
helpless tool of two unscrupulous Wise Men, who insist on
my
falling in with all their wishes and threaten to denounce
me
for immediate explosion if I remonstrate! (Breaks down
completely)
Zara: My poor father! Now listen to me. With a view to
remodel-
ling the political and social institutions of Utopia, I
have
brought with me six Representatives of the principal
causes
that have tended to make England the powerful, happy, and
blameless country which the consensus of European
civiliza-
tion has declared it to be. ”

“ What do we complain of? Why, through the
innovations introduced by the Flowers of Progress all our
harmless schemes for making a provision for our old age
are
ruined. Our Matrimonial Agency is at a standstill, our
Cheap Sherry business is in bankruptcy, our Army Clothing
contracts are paralyzed, and even our Society paper, the
Palace Peeper, is practically defunct!
King: Defunct? Is that so? Dear, dear, I am truly sorry.
Scaphio: Are you aware that Sir Bailey Barre has introduced a law
of
libel by which all editors of scurrilous newspapers are
pub-
licly flogged—as in England? ”

“ King, Lady Sophy, Nek., Sca., Phan, and Tar Fitz. and
Zara (aside)
Kal., Calynx and Chorus (aside)
Henceforward of a verity, If he has the temerity Who love
with all sincerity;
With fame ourselves we Our wishes thus to blink Their
lives may safely link. ”

“ England has made herself what she is because, in that fa-
vored land, every one has to think for himself. Here we
have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates
all
our wants, and our political opinions are formed for us
by
the journals to which we subscribe. Oh, think how much
more
brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been
accustomed to exercise our reflective powers! They say
that
in England the conversation of the very meanest is a
corus-
cation of impromptu epigram!
(Enter Tarara in a great rage)
Tarara: Lalabalele talala! Callabale lalabalica falahle! ”

“ I, also, dance a step or two—
Of this now guess the hidden sense:
(Scaphio and Phantis consider the question as King continues
dancing
quietly—then give it up.)
It means complete indifference!
Sca. and Phan.: Of course it does—indifference!
It means complete indifference!
(King dancing quietly. Sca. and Phan. dancing furiously.)
Sca. and Phan.: As we've a dance for every mood
With pas de trois we will conclude,
What this may mean you all may guess—
It typifies remorselessness! ”

“ Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to go
to
England—the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest
country
in the world—has taken a high degree at Girton, and is
on
her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery
over
all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious
country to her present pre-eminent position among
civilized
nations!
Salata: Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completely
Angli-
cized?
Calynx: Absolutely and without a doubt.
Melene: (lazily) We are very well as we are. ”

“ He's a great arithmetician who can demonstrate with ease
That two and two are three or five or anything you please;
An eminent Logician who can make it clear to you
That black is white—when looked at from the proper point
of
view;
A marvelous Philologist who'll undertake to show
That "yes" is but another and a neater form of "no."
Sir Bailey: Yes—yes—yes—
"Yes" is but another and a neater form of "no." ”

“ King.: It means unruffled cheerfulness!
(King dances off placidly as Scaphio and Phantis dance furiously.)
Phantis: (breathless) He's right—we are helpless! He's no
longer a
human being—he's a Corporation, and so long as he
confines
himself to his Articles of Association we can't touch
him!
What are we to do?
Scaphio: Do? Raise a Revolution, repeal the Act of Sixty-Two,
recon-
vert him into an individual, and insist on his immediate
ex-
plosion! (Tarara enters.) Tarara, come here; you're the
very man we want.
Tarara: Certainly, allow me. ”

“ Fitz.: It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are in
love with the same lady, and until it is settled which
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is
provided, by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation
Act,
that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of
Household
Cavalry as stakeholder, who is bound to hand her over to
the
survivor (on the Tontine principle) in a good condition
of
substantial and decorative repair.
Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?
Fitz.: Exactly.
Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable. ”

“ Zara: Necessarily, for a time.
Fitz.: Just as I wanted to tell you, with all the passionate
enthu-
siasm of my nature, how deeply, how devotedly I love you!
Zara: Hush! Are these the accents of a heart that really
feels?
True love does not indulge in declamation—its voice is
sweet, and soft, and low. The west wind whispers when he
woos the poplars!
DUET — Zara and Fitzbattleaxe.
Zara: Words of love too loudly spoken
Ring their own untimely knell ”

“ RECITATIVE — Lady Sophy
This morning we propose to illustrate
A course of maiden courtship, from the start
To the triumphant matrimonial finish.
(Through the following song the two Princesses illustrate in
gesture
the description given by Lady Sophy.)
SONG — Lady Sophy
Bold-faced ranger
(Perfect stranger)
Meets two well-behaved young ladies.
He's attractive,
Young and active—
Each a little bit afraid is.
Youth advances,
At his glances
To their danger they awaken ”

“ Lord D.: Every one is in his place.
King: Then let the revels commence.
(Enter the ladies attending the Drawing-Room. They give their
cards
to the Groom-in-Waiting, who passes them to the
Lord-in-Waiting,
who passes them to the Vice-Chamberlain, who passes them to
the
Lord Chamberlain, who reads the names to the King as each lady
approaches. The ladies curtsey in succession to the King and
the
three Princesses, and pass out. When all the presentations
have
been accomplished, the King, Princesses, and Lady Sophy come
forward, and all the ladies re-enter.) ”

“ Heliogabalian profligates that ever disgraced an
autocratic
throne! And do these Wise Men denounce him to me? Not
a
bit of it! They wink at his immoralities! Under the
cir-
cumstances I really think I am justified in exclaiming
"Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalale poo!" (All horri-
fied.) I don't care—the occasion demands it. (Exit
Tarara)
(March. Enter Guard, escorting Scaphio and Phantis.)
CHORUS.
O make way for the Wise Men! ”