Pee-wee

“ Slowly, with its great nickel headlights glaring, the big machine moved forward toward the obstruction. It stopped, then advanced very slowly a few feet more. Then, with heart thumping, Pee-wee beheld something which made his blood run cold—a bright-colored shawl with spangles that shone brilliant in the moonlight and a dusky woman with a bandage around her forehead.
But this was not all. For sitting at the wheel was the most villainous looking man that Pee-wee had ever seen, a man with a mustache of a pirate or a Spanish brigand. ”

“ Meanwhile Pee-wee went across the lawn and down the road to the scene of their hapless enterprise. The roadside rest could boast now of but two jars, one of peppermint sticks and one of gumdrops (both in rapid process of consumption) and a number of spools of tire tape. But the absence of doughnuts and sausages and lemonade, this was nothing. It was the absence of Pepsy that counted. ”

“ Pee-wee agreed enthusiastically.
“If you don’t care where you go you can’t go to the wrong place,” said Ray. “Places aren’t wrong or right. How can places be wrong or right?”
“Gee whiz, they can’t,” Pee-wee agreed. “Anybody can see that.”
“A place can’t be incorrect,” said Fuller Bullson as if laying down a fundamental proposition. “What’s another place? Why, it’s the place you don’t go to, that’s all. Am I right?”
“Sure you are,” vociferated Pee-wee.
“And if you go to it,” said Ray, “why then the other place is the other place. So no place can be wrong. ”

“ As Pee-wee penetrated deeper into the woods the more terrible was the masquerade of his own enticing signs. His stenciled cards, deserting their lawful mates, had struck up ghastly unions with other cards proclaiming frightful items of refreshment to the appalled wayfarer who was reminded of NON-SKID BANANAS and advised that OUR PEANUT TAFFY STICKS LIKE GLUE. The faithless TIRE TAPE which should have surmounted the STICK LIKE GLUE card was nestling under the fatal EAT, while FRANKFURTERS COLD AND COOLING and ICE CREAM SIZZLING HOT met Pee-wee’s astonished gaze. ”

“ But Pee-wee had gone.
Up the narrow, boxed-in stairs he went, never asking permission. He could see nothing but a big enclosed wagon, dark inside, with Pepsy inside it. He had no more idea what he was going to do that day than the man in the moon. But he knew what he was going to do that very minute. When a scout makes up his mind to do a thing....
Into the little room under the eaves he strode, his eyes glistening, but his heart staunch and his resolve indomitable. ”

“ We all have supper at different times except Pee-wee and he has supper all the time. As Abraham Lincoln said at the battle of Marne, 'Some people are half hungry all the time, some people are all hungry half the time, but Pee-wee is all hungry all the time.' I wonder where he is anyway? ”

“ A scout is resourceful.
Pee-wee never had to pause and consider which thing he preferred, since he preferred all things. The place that he liked best to go was everywhere. The thing that he liked best to do was everything. Broadly speaking, the thing which he liked best to eat was food. And speaking more particularly the food that he liked best was dessert. But it might be said that he ate everything; adventures, hairbreadth escapes, colossal enterprises, dark mysteries—he ate them alive. ”

“ To tell you the honest truth the only thing that makes me think we won’t find anything is because Pee-wee is mixed up in it. You fellows don’t know because you’ve never been up to camp before, but Pee-wee is the big hero of about three million things that never happened. ”

“ And so they had gone and Pee-wee had spent three rather lonesome days waiting for Townsend’s parents to get ready to go to Orange Lake. It was during that time that he had his great inspiration.
Pee-wee had had many inspirations; they seemed to grow wild in his brain. But this was by far the greatest one of all. And it furnished an example of how great events may flow from trifling causes. For this world catastrophe started with a gum-drop. ”

“ Pulling out of his pocket a licorice jaw-breaker of vast dimensions, Pee-wee sent it shooting in a bee-line at the face of the stranger.
Never before in all his checkered history had Keekie Joe ever received any edible of any character whatever in response to his menacing demands. He had always assumed that boys who were well dressed had fruit or candy in their pockets. ”

“ Soon the lantern light on the island was abreast of them, some forty or fifty feet distant.
"Hello, over there," called Warde.
"I'm pretty well," called Pee-wee.
"What are we going to do?" asked Townsend. "The tide has beat us to it. He's safe enough."
"Oh, he couldn't be safer," said Warde. "Our name is mud. All our rowing for nothing."
"How about the eats over there, Kid?" Warde called.
"They're all right," called Pee-wee, "only the ice cream is starting to melt. I stuck my finger in through the ice and the cream is kind of oozing out. ”

“ It was Pee-wee’s fate in life to be accepted as a substitute for something better because he was amusing. He did not object to this because, as he said, he had plenty of fun just the same. Being small and full of enterprises entirely disproportionate to his size, he was acceptable everywhere and universally liked. Girls thought he was “excruciating” and “adorable.” Men were greatly taken with him and liked to hear him talk. At Temple Camp, where he and his scout troop spent the summers, he was called the mascot, sometimes the animal cracker. Pee-wee had not an enemy. ”

“ There followed the most terrible moment in the life of Pee-wee Harris, Scout. He knew that one more bite would be fatal, that the postman would not wait. In two bites, or in three at most, he could finish the banana and his hand would be free.
How could a postman, who brings joy to the lonely, words of love from far away, cheer to those who wait, comfort from across the seas, Boys’ Life Magazine—how could such a being be so relentless and cruel? ”

“ Pee-wee always claimed that it was he and he alone who discovered the mysterious secret of Merry-go-round Island; he and he alone who penetrated its unknown depths. In this bold exploration a courageous sardine sandwich played an important part and out of sheer gratitude Pee-wee, from that time forward, was ever partial to sardine sandwiches, regarding them with tender and grateful affection.
He was standing near the apple tree holding the traffic sign like a pilgrim's banner beside him and, as has been told, eating a banana with the other hand. That fact is well established. ”

“ Because you like to eat. Do you know how to save yourself from drowning?”
“By not going in the water,” said Emerson.
“Nope,” said Pee-wee. “Scouts, the more they go in the more they don’t get drowned. ”

“ Pee-wee said, very lofty like. “It’s something you can make light with in the pitch dark. If you’re going to be a scout you have to have a lot of resources. Nature, you have to be able to kind of boss it.” ”

“ Parents did not trouble him, he ate them alive.
"You leave them to me," he said to Pee-wee as they advanced against poor defenseless Bridgeboro. "They'll either consent or we'll shoot up the town, hey, Safety First? We're on the rampage to-night; somebody's been feeding us meat."
It was not Pee-wee's custom to leave a thing to somebody else. He attended to everything--meals, awards, hikes, ice cream cones, camping localities, duffel lists, parents, everything. He was the world's champion fixer. You can see for yourselves what a triumph he made of not rescuing the wrong car. ”

“ He’s our young hero and some of the fellows call him Peerless Pee-wee, and some of them call him Speck.
If all of us fellows were automobiles, Pee-wee would be a Ford. That’s because he’s the smallest and he makes the most noise. He eats all his food running on high. He never has to shift his gears to eat dessert. Even if it’s a tough steak he takes it on high. He’s a human cave. ”

“ She hated the bridge and dreaded it as a thing haunted.
Pee-wee soon became close friends with these two, and from a rather cautious and defensive beginning Pepsy soon fell victim to the spell of the little scout, as indeed every one else did. Pepsy did not surrender without a struggle. She showed Pee-wee the woodchuck hole and Pee-wee, after a minute’s skillful search, showed her the other hole, or back entrance, under a stone wall.
“There are always two,” he told her, “and one of them is usually under a stone wall. They’re smart, woodchucks are.” ”

“ To say nothing of the camp commissary. But the spirit of the onion spoke not to those who did not know its secret. Not a sign of writing was there upon that virgin page.
Pee-wee rolled the missive, injected it into the bottle, and corked the bottle tight. He then produced a small limp article connected with a short stick. On blowing through the stick the limp attachment swelled to astounding dimensions as Pee-wee’s cheeks puffed more and more till they seemed like to burst. Now upon the inflated balloon appeared the words Catskill Garage in conspicuous white letters. ”

“ Pee-wee said, “you can write notes to the feller across the aisle and he can hold them over the radiator and then read them. But don’t ever tell anybody; don’t ever tell any girls because they can’t keep secrets.”
“Can’t I tell my sister?” Willie asked.
“No, sisters are even worse than regular girls,” said Pee-wee; “sisters are the worst kind. Now I’ll tell you what you have to do. You sit here on this float and watch it till I get back, then we’ll sail out on the lake with sealed orders ”

“ Roy, despite his habit of victimizing Pee-wee with unholy banter, was after all his friend—his closest friend.
“Do you mean—do you really think he won’t—that when it comes down to it he won’t join?”
“Who, Arabella?”
“Do you mean it?”
“Good night, kid, have some sense on your birthday. Why didn’t he come with us if he was willing to be one of us? What did he do? Turned around and walked home. There you are; what more do you want?”
Pee-wee was thoughtful. As he could not decide what he wanted to do or say, he fell back on doing something which he was absolutely positive he wanted to do. ”

“ Grove Bronson asked. "I don't see anything here but some fishhooks and a package of tacks."
"Listen to the voice from Pee-wee's old patrol!" said Roy. "Eats! I'll fry some killies. Haven't we got some milk chocolate and Ulika biscuits? I bet there's a large crowd of peanuts and other junk in Pee-wee's locker. Can't you wait till you get to Minerva's? She'll have chicken salad and ice cream and sandwiches and cake and lemonade and paper napkins and souvenirs and everything. We'll feel more like eating a little later. What do you all say? If each of us goes home we'll never get together again ”

“ Pee-wee demanded. “I’m the boss of that patrol. I’m not the patrol leader, but just the same I’ve got a lot to say about it. Gee whiz, I’d like to hear anybody say they don’t want you. Just you let me hear them say it!”
“I should think any one would like to have dinner in the woods,” said Emerson, with a frankness that was pathetic.
“You don’t say dinner, you say grub,” said Pee-wee. “Or if you want to, you can say eats. Some scouts say feed. But I like eats best, don’t you?” ”

“ Pee-wee said, “and then start and I’ll count for you. You’re not supposed to touch the floor. Most always girls go over backwards, but don’t you care, because the window sill is there. I won’t make fun of you.”
“Oh, you won’t?” said Miss Hope ironically.
“Sure I won’t because girls can do lots of things that fellers can’t do; gee whiz, I have to admit that.”
“That’s very kind of you.”
“If I tilt you over backward I bet you can’t get up by yourself with your hands clasped,” Pee-wee said. “We all tried that at scout meeting and I was the only one that did it. Are you good at doing things?” ”

“ During the dismal rehearsal of their probable adventures, Pee-wee, looking darkly significant, had restrained himself with difficulty. Indeed it was only by the happy inspiration of using the banana as a gag that he was able to control his voice at all. He now exploded like a stick of dynamite.
“The truth is something or other and will—will what do you call it—I can prove—”
“Yes, I’ve heard that,” said Townsend; “the truth is mighty and will prevail. But goat stories don’t go.” ”

“ Will you love me when my flivver is a wreck?” “Gee whiz, I don’t see how the top can fall down and hit me,” said Pee-wee. “Do you call that logic?”
“Once it had a fine top, Kid,” said Townsend. “A top that could fall down—easily—every ten minutes. A real top. It can’t fall down any more, Kid,” he added sadly. “It would if it could; you shouldn’t make fun of it.”
“How can I make fun of it when it isn’t there?” Pee-wee shouted.
“That’s just it,” said Townsend; “you talk behind its back when it isn’t here to fall down on you. ”

“ As the Good Turn, free at last from prosaic rollers and plank tracks, rolled easily in the swell, pulling gently upon the rope which the excited Pee-wee held, it seemed that she must be as pleased as her new owners were, at finding herself once more in her natural home. How graceful and beautiful she looked now, in the dying light! There is nothing so clumsy looking as a boat on shore. ”

“ Pee-wee said in scornful reproval; “that could happen to—to—to Julius Caesar.”
“He’s dead, you ask Miss Bellison,” said Pepsy timidly.
“That shows how much you know,” said Pee-wee scornfully as he brushed off his clothing. “Can’t something be a kind of a thing that could happen to somebody who’s dead if he was very smart, only if he wasn’t dead? We got a dollar and ten cents from them, didn’t we?”
“Yes, but—did you—did you—handle them?” Pepsy asked fearfully.
“There are different ways of handling people,” Pee-wee said; “you can’t handle people that are crazy, can you? ”

“ Pepsy was suspicious because she could not understand it. But Pee-wee, quick to forget dislikes and trifling injuries, was strong for the new partner.
“He’s all right,” he told her, “and scouts are supposed to be kind and help people and maybe he wants to reform and we ought to help him get into business.”
“He’s a smarty and I hate him and three is bad luck,” was all that Pepsy could say. Then she broke down crying, “Miss Bellison hates him, too,” she sobbed, “and—and if people sit three in a seat in a wagon one of them dies inside of a year. ”